Let Me List the Ways

by Sarah White

  “Whatever. One day you’re going to swing that door open and I’m going to be standing in here in just my underwear and then we will never be able to look at each other again.” I took a few steps into my bathroom and grabbed my brush from the drawer. My parents weren’t leaving for the game for another hour, but I wanted to get ready early so I could ride with Nolan.

  “If I could still look at you after that awful neon phase you went through, our friendship could survive anything.” He moved from the bed and past me into the bathroom, turning and lifting himself so that he was sitting on the counter beside me. I rolled my eyes and ran the brush through my hair.

  “All right. I can agree the neon wasn’t my best look. But I’d like to remind you our friendship has also survived the ‘deep V’ season.” I pretend to shiver. “Not cute, Nolan.”

  “I was a misguided youth. No one told me a deep V neckline was best on a muscular chest and not on a prepubescent boy. Tragic . . . and yet not as terrible to look at as mismatched animal prints.” He shook his head and I began to gather my hair into a ponytail as I laughed.

  “Those were bad,” I agreed. He reached out and tickled me while I had my hands tangled in my hair. “Stop!” I laughed and struggled to keep a hold of my ponytail while he continued to attack. It didn’t matter which way I weaved, he followed along and tickled my sides until I finally gave up and let my hair go.

  I slapped at his hands and he jumped off the counter and stood behind me so that I could see his face in the mirror. “Here, I bet I could do this faster.” He began to gather my hair in his hands. This I had to see. Everything with him was always a race. It had been that way since we were little. Anything I could do, he’d try to do faster. But he was about to be wrong. I watched him in the mirror as he focused hard on getting my hair to stay in one place. I couldn’t help but giggle at how terrible he was at it.

  After a few minutes of struggling, he had most of my strands in his hand, secured at the nape of my head. I held up a hair tie and quirked an eyebrow, knowing that getting it wrapped around was the hardest part. He seemed to accept the challenge as he took it from me and went to work again. The first time through was more successful than I thought it would be, but getting the full length through the tie again was much harder, and even though he tried his best and tugged the hair tighter, half the ponytail went through and the other half tangled itself into some sort of half loop.

  I laughed out loud as he made a frustrated face. His eyes shot up to meet mine in the mirror. “Are you laughing at me?” I immediately flattened out my lips and shook my head quickly, trying to act serious, but when the strands that had only been modestly secured slid from the tie and the whole ponytail unraveled, I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.

  When we were little, he used to hate when he couldn’t do something as well as I could. Those times were rare, but his frustration each time made them seem so much more monumental. He put his hands in my hair and messed up what was left of the epic failure of a ponytail. I was laughing hard at this point, bent over trying to escape his playful hands. He moved them down to tickle my sides again before wrapping them around my waist and lifting me off my feet.

  I tried to grab on to the counter, but it was too late. He swung me around easily and walked a few steps to toss me onto my bed. I turned over quickly so I could block his next attempt to tickle me. From that angle I could see his bright smile as he reached for my arms. In a split second, they were pinned above my head, and even though I tried to move my legs and break free, it didn’t faze him and he just straddled my body and held me down tighter. I tried to talk but I couldn’t through the laughing.

  His hands moved my hands closer until he was able to hold both my small wrists in one hand. “Don’t!” I managed, but he was already taunting me with his free hand, threatening to tickle my side again. I squirmed beneath him, but he just moved with me and ran his hand down my side. We were both laughing; his hand felt firm on my side as he first squeezed and then quickly moved his fingers to tickle very effectively. I took a deep breath and tried hard to sound serious when I said, “It’s not funny.” He made a very serious face and stopped for just a second.

  “You’re right,” he agreed, and I nodded, lifting up against his hold on my wrists, but not being successful at breaking free. “It’s hilarious!” His hand was back at my side with a vengeance. As I wiggled and bucked beneath him, he leaned forward to keep his hold on my arms. Our faces were so close I couldn’t even see his entire expression. I was only able to focus on his features one at a time. His lips were curled up, his cheeks flushed red with exertion, but what made my stomach clench tightly was looking into his eyes. They were crinkled at the side with his smile, but as soon as our gazes locked, the skin around them smoothed out and he looked straight into mine.

  We didn’t move for what felt like forever. His one hand was still holding my wrists above my head and the other rested flat against my side. I was amazed at how quickly the sensation of being tickled was drowned out by the electric feeling of his heavy, warm palm touching my bare skin where my shirt had ridden up. I could hear my throbbing pulse in my ears and knew my face had to be flushed from the laughter and struggle of a few minutes ago. Our breaths were in sync.

  I felt my chest rising and falling with my labored breathing and became acutely aware of the way it brushed against his each time we inhaled. I would only have to lift my lips slightly to meet his, but the fear of rejection kept my head planted firmly to my mattress. I wanted that kiss so badly it hurt physically, but it wasn’t right, and it would be a second of satisfaction for years of pain that would follow. Instead, I closed my eyes, unable to look into his gorgeous blue ones.

  He released my wrists and sat up taller. I wasn’t brave enough to open my eyes until I felt the tip of his finger touch the tip of my nose in his trademark move. “Finish getting ready, Sugar. I’m going to be late.” He moved quickly back to his feet and stepped away from the bed, offering me his hand to help me up. I took it because, let’s be honest, I always would.

  “I’m not responsible for your childishness,” I said playfully as I was lifted to my feet. I moved back toward my bathroom, pausing to look over my shoulder and stuck my tongue out at him. I tied my hair up and threw the brush back into the drawer. Nolan sat back down on my bed and waited as I grabbed his hooded sweater out of my closet. It still smelled like him, and I fought the desire to bring it up to my nose and sniff it. I’d had it since the bonfire and would be a big liar if I didn’t admit that I’d been thinking of a million reasons to keep it. I knew rationally that it wouldn’t smell like him forever. That thought was what helped me toss it to him.

  “Thanks,” he said, grabbing it as it sailed in the air.

  “You’re welcome. Thanks for letting me use it.” He just nodded at me and folded it up while I searched for another sweater in my closet. I pulled an old gray one from the hanger and slipped my feet into a pair of sneakers. I tried to fit my kit inside the front pocket of the hoodie, but it was too big.

  “I’ll put it in my bag. Just let me know if you need it during my game. I can get it to you easy if we’re batting and if not, I can get it to you between innings.” He was truly a great friend.

  “Thanks.” He twisted his cap forward and lifted his chin toward my door, letting me know we needed to get going. I followed him down the stairs and we gave my mom a hug good-bye before climbing up into his truck.

  He turned down the volume on the stereo that was automatically blasting every time we got into his truck. “I’m picking up Erin. I hope you don’t mind.” His words felt heavy; I had to quickly remember to smile and act casual so the pure weight of them didn’t flatten out my lips.

  “Of course I don’t mind.”

  He drove through the intersection and switched lanes to make a right turn. I stared ahead at the city in front of us. I wondered if he laughed with her the way we laughed together. Did he let himself into her room like he did to mine? Sudden
ly all the things I loved about my relationship with him felt like the very things that kept us friends instead of more. I wanted everything with him. I wanted the casual comfort we had around each other—but also the kisses he had with her. I wanted the laughter and intoxicating joy I felt when I was with him—but also wanted to give him the feeling of butterflies and desire like he got with her. But mostly, I wanted him to be a part of my life forever because of all the things I knew for certain in my life, the truth that was more true than any other was that I couldn’t be Zie without Nolan. So I accepted that I’d be the friend he’d always find comfort in, the one he’d laugh and experience joy with, and someone else would get his kisses and give him butterflies, because having Nolan as a friend was a thousand times better than not having Nolan at all.

  Thirteen

  NOLAN PULLED UP in front of Erin’s house and parked. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do next. I thought it might be odd if we both went up to her door, but it also didn’t seem right that I stay in the car. I thought waiting in the truck might make her think I was being standoffish. In the end, I didn’t have to make a decision because she was out her front door before he even had a chance to get out of his seat.

  I opened my door and jumped out, giving her a small hug when she reached the truck. I knew the right thing to do was to give her the front seat next to Nolan, but it sure felt odd when I climbed into the backseat. Nolan gave her a quick kiss and then turned to me and gave me a tight smile. “Thanks for picking me up,” Erin said as she buckled her seat belt.

  “Of course. I thought it might be nice if you had someone to sit with.” He motioned over his shoulder to me in the back. “Zie’s family is coming in a little bit and they’re super cool. You should have about forty-five minutes before the game starts so I thought you could hang out together.” Nolan’s eyes met mine in the rearview mirror. I could see that he needed me to be okay with spending time with her. It felt like he was asking permission, and that didn’t help the guilt that was already moving into my heart.

  “It’ll be fun.” I gave him a little nod and then busied myself looking out the window. I wondered what she and I would talk about once he was busy with the team. I knew she was going to want to talk about him and I worried it was going to be awkward for me. I was worried about that line that I had trouble navigating. Would I say too much? I was grateful for the music that filled the cab and made conversation unnecessary. We finally pulled up to the school. I unclasped my seat belt and practically leaped from the truck.

  Nolan grabbed his bat bag out of the bed of the truck and took Erin’s hand. She grinned with what could only be described as pure joy and my heart stung with envy for what she had with him. Despite what Nolan had said earlier about not being serious with Erin, he clearly cared about her.

  When we got to the stands, he gave her another quick kiss. I tried to look out across the field at anything other than what was happening right beside me. When he stepped into my line of sight, I made sure to put on a smile. He touched my nose and gave me a tight smile. “If you need your kit or anything, just tell me.”

  “I’ll be fine,” I assured him quickly. I had always appreciated how conscientious Nolan was about my diabetes, but in that moment, it made me feel embarrassed that he was worried about me because of my health.

  I sat down on the bleachers and watched him walk away before turning my attention to Erin. “So, Nolan says this is your first game?”

  “Yeah, I’ve never been before. Thanks for sitting with me.” She sounded very sincere. She’d always been nice to me and we’d had a great time at the beach, but there was a little part of me that wished we hadn’t gotten along so well. I wanted a reason to not have to accept her. I was being evil and hoping that she said or did something unforgivable so that I didn’t have to sit right by her and watch as she fell for my best friend.

  “You’re welcome.” There was a lull in the conversation as I scrambled to think of something else to say. “So, um, you and Nolan have a class together?”

  “Chemistry. First period. Mr. Torrez.” She made a disgusted face and I laughed. He was an awful teacher who insisted on keeping every window and door closed, even when the classroom got so stuffy you thought you’d suffocate.

  “Sorry about that,” I said.

  “It’s okay. I guess it’s worth it to get to sit by Nolan.” That lull returned with a vengeance and brought his friend awkward with him.

  I could see Nolan looking over at us between pitches as he warmed up his arm. When we were younger I’d catch for him. We would pretend it was the World Series and the last batter was up. I remembered the way he’d pretend to watch the imaginary runner on first before pulling his leg up to gain the momentum to send the ball flying over the home plate we had drawn in the dirt. I’d call them strikes, even when they were balls, and then we’d jump up and down and cheer as if he’d just shut the batter out.

  The bleachers began to fill with a few people here and there. “So you guys have been friends for a long time?” Erin asked.

  “Since we were kids. We live next door to each other.” I held on tight to the wood plank below me and leaned forward a little. “Our parents are friends too.”

  “That’s nice,” she replied. “I know this is a little weird; I’m not really sure what kind of relationship you have. I hope you don’t think I’m trying to take too much of his time or anything.”

  “We’re just friends.” It came out a lot stronger than I thought it would. I hoped it would be enough to convince her.

  She laughed without humor and turned her head in my direction. “What the two of you have together isn’t ‘just friends.’ Everyone can see it except maybe the two of you. It’s like you’re in a relationship but without the fun stuff.” I wanted to argue with her that we had a lot of fun together, but I of course knew that wasn’t what she was referring to.

  “I know our friendship is unique. A lot of people just don’t understand it.” I met her eyes.

  “Doesn’t it make it hard for you to date people? I saw you with Jude on the beach. Does he care that you and Nolan are so close?” She wasn’t being snarky or mean, just curious. It was almost as if I could see the wheels turning behind her eyes, trying to figure out how all the pieces of our puzzles could possibly fit together.

  “Jude knows about our friendship.” I could only imagine how it must feel from her side. If I was dating Nolan I’d be afraid to lose him too. She just didn’t see that I wasn’t really competition. Saying Jude’s name made me realize that he shouldn’t be competing with Nolan either. “You don’t have anything to worry about. Our relationship isn’t like that.” I could see the relief in her face as she nodded at me and then looked out to find Nolan again.

  “I think it would be nice if the four of us hung out. Maybe we could double date or something?” Ugh, that sounded horrible. I hated the quick car ride there—how was I going to survive a whole night of watching the hand-holding and kisses?

  “Sure. That sounds fun.” I totally lied.

  Once we got that out of the way, we fell into a friendly conversation again. I’d never had the chance to speak with her alone before, but it was clear that if we had, we would have figured out that we were actually quite similar in many ways. She told me about her family and how much she hated some of her classes. We both loved country music and we were both only children. I think in another life she and I could have been great friends. Maybe we would be eventually. This pining in my heart for Nolan would have to come to an end. I’d have to let him go so I could watch him be happy with someone else without hurting inside.

  Henry’s parents arrived and Erin waved to them. They quickly waved back, but made no move to come greet her or invite her over to where they were sitting. They took their seats far away from where we were and turned their attention to the field quickly. It was hard to believe they were her aunt and uncle, but the feud between Nolan’s family and Henry’s ran deep, and I counted as Nolan’s family in their ab
sence.

  A few minutes before the game started, I spotted my and Nolan’s parents making their way across the field from the parking lot. Seth and Gavin, his brothers, were carrying food from the local burger place and trying to trip each other as they headed toward the stands. I giggled as they stumbled and recovered. I waved everyone over to where we were sitting. I felt Erin grow stiff beside me and I knew she must have been nervous about being near his family.

  I, on the other hand, felt at ease with all of them. They were practically my own. My mom climbed up and sat behind me. I touched Erin’s shoulder. “Mom, this is Erin. Erin, this is my mom, Julia.” In the end I had gone with not giving her a title at all and hoping no one would ask for one.

  “Nice to meet you.” Erin smiled up at her and gave a little wave.

  “This is my dad, Sean.” She gave a small wave to him as well, and then Nolan’s mom moved in to sit next to my mom. I shook my head a little in warning. My mom rolled her eyes.

  “We are going to be quiet,” my mom insisted, and Mrs. Walker nodded in agreement and zipped her lips with the invisible zipper. It lasted for maybe two minutes.

  “Nolan! Strike him out!” Mrs. Walker screamed above me as Nolan stepped up to pitch.

  “Get ’em, Nolan!” my mom joined in. Nolan smiled from beneath his cap. He said he hated their screeching, but I knew deep down it meant a lot to him to have everyone’s support.

  Seth climbed up the bleachers and moved to sit next to me. He looked a lot like his big brother, but had lighter hair and darker eyes. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He always teased Nolan about making me his girlfriend. He loved to see Nolan get his feathers all ruffled and go into protection mode. From the field I saw Nolan scowl at Seth, but Seth just flipped him the bird and nuzzled up a little closer. Gavin sat down in front of me and began shoveling fries into his mouth.