Let Me List the Ways

by Sarah White

  I didn’t have any siblings, but those boys were close enough. I tangled my fingers into Gavin’s shaggy hair and messed it up. He slapped my hand away and tossed a fry at my forehead. “Stop it,” our moms said in complete unison. See, just like siblings.

  “Are you coming to my game on Saturday?” Gavin said around a mouthful of fries.

  “Of course she is,” Seth answered. “Nolan already said they’d be there.” Seth and Gavin were closer together than Gavin and Nolan. The Walkers had lost a baby a few years after Nolan was born, and it took them a while to move on from that loss. Gavin was fourteen now and Seth was on the newer side of thirteen.

  “If Nolan said we are going, then I guess we’ll be there.” It wasn’t unusual for Nolan to assume we would be hanging out together on a Saturday. Actually, that statement could apply to any day of the week. We were together all the time and rarely ran plans past each other.

  The loud slap of a fastball hitting the catcher’s glove caught our attention, and Nolan’s eyes met mine for a second before returning to the ball in the catcher’s hand. My heart jumped from the sound. I caught the glare reflecting from Erin’s phone in the corner of my eye and turned to see what she was doing. She had both elbows on her knees and was focusing all of her attention on the shiny screen in front of her. She typed out a few texts in rapid succession and then opened up the Facebook app and scrolled through a few posts.

  “Want some fries?” Gavin asked, holding the greasy bag out in front of me. I reached inside and took a handful. Seth pulled a small container of ranch dressing from his bag and handed it to me. I quickly covered myself for the fries I thought I’d be eating.

  “Thanks!” I dipped a couple of the fries in and ate them as I watched Nolan wind up again. That time I was ready for the loud slap and loved the expression of triumph on Nolan’s face when the batter stepped out of the box as the umpire called a strike. I saw Nolan hold his shoulder for a second and rotate his arm. I worried that he’d hurt it again.

  When Nolan turned his attention back to home plate, I could see a small grimace. When he looked up into the stands again, he shook his head ever so slightly, letting me know it wasn’t too bad. The anxiety in my gut let up a little and I exhaled a sigh of relief. I watched the rest of his pitches closely, looking for any sign that he was hurting.

  When the inning switched from the top to the bottom, he jogged into the dugout and headed for his bag. I stood and made my way past his brothers to the small snack bar and grabbed an ice pack. By the time I reached the dip in the gate near the old wooden dugout, he was already making his way to me. I handed him the ice pack and he gave me my kit.

  “Thanks,” we both said, and then laughed.

  “Do you think you hurt it again?” I asked, concerned.

  “I don’t know. It feels really tight.” He rotated his shoulder and I reached out and rubbed it with my hand.

  “If you can’t handle it, I’m ready,” Henry called from the dugout. Nolan’s jaw tightened, but I held on to his shoulder so he wouldn’t make a move he’d regret.

  “Doctor said you should take it easy this year. How many innings does the coach have you pitching?” I asked.

  “Three for right now. I’m fourth to bat and we’re going to see how I feel after. He wants to keep my count low so he can save me for playoffs. I should go,” he said, looking over his shoulder at the batter finishing warming up.

  I stood at the fence a little longer, watching him duck back inside. I took a minute to check my blood sugar and then I headed back up to the bleachers. Erin’s head was buried in her phone, but as I made my way to our seats, she looked up at me and asked, “Did he hurt his shoulder?”

  “It’s an old injury. He’s not sure if he reinjured it or if it’s just tight.” I put my kit down between us and reached for the drink on the bench near both his brothers.

  “Regular,” Seth said. Gavin handed me his drink instead and I took a long sip of the diet soda to wash down the fries. When I reached for more, the bag was empty. Seth shrugged.

  Our moms were just as ridiculous when Nolan came up to bat. I tried hard not to laugh when shouts of “Show ’em how it’s done, number seven!” and “Home run, Nolan!” flew like a flurry of snowflakes in a blizzard behind me. Erin looked up long enough to watch him rip one out to far right field. We cheered loudly as he passed first base and headed for second. The outfielder tried to get the ball in quickly, but he didn’t quite make it and Nolan stopped safely on the base.

  The rest of the game seemed to fly by as I watched Nolan and talked with his brothers about school. Our team won the game seven to five, and we moved from the bleachers to the fence and waited for the boys to pack up their gear. Nolan’s parents gave me hugs good-bye and told Erin they were looking forward to seeing her again soon.

  When Nolan finally emerged from the dugout, the ice pack on his shoulder was filthy with red clay and grass. It didn’t seem to matter, though, and that’s when I knew he was hurting worse than he was letting on. I wanted to reach for him again, but felt like it would be disrespectful to do that in front of Erin. Instead I just fell in step behind them as we made our way out to his truck.

  “Thanks for inviting me,” Erin said when we pulled up in front of her house. “It was a lot of fun.”

  “Thanks for coming.” Nolan leaned over and gave her a quick kiss. “I’d walk you to the door but I really need to get home and put some more ice on this quick.” She looked a tad bit hurt but seemed to shake it off.

  “See you tomorrow,” she said as she stepped down out of the truck. We waited outside until he was sure she’d gotten in safely. He pulled away from the curb and drove down a few house lengths until we were out of sight.

  Pulling over again, he asked, “Can you drive? This shoulder’s fucking killing me.” I’d like to think he was hiding the severity of his pain from Erin because he wanted my help instead of hers, but Nolan had a lot of pride so maybe he just didn’t know her well enough yet to let her see him in a moment of weakness. He put the truck in park and scooted over to the passenger side. Being the lady I was, I climbed over the seat, banging my head and managing to tumble a bit before righting myself behind the wheel. He looked at me with an amused expression. “We don’t need both of us hurt, Zie.”

  “Zip it.” I put the truck in drive and got us home safely. It was just getting dark by the time we pulled into his driveway. I had some homework I needed to finish up, but I wasn’t really in the mood to start it.

  Nolan used his good arm to open the tailgate, but I reached up and grabbed his bag so he wouldn’t have to carry it in. “I can carry my own bag,” he said.

  “I’m not taking any chances. You were such a whiner.” I was teasing, of course. He’d actually been very strong during his recovery. He worked extra hard with the physical therapist to make sure he’d be cleared to play this year. That was all the more reason my heart was hurting for the setback he was experiencing.

  When we got to his room, I put his bag down near his closet. “Are you going to shower up and get some rest?” I asked as he struggled to pull his jersey off. Without much thought, I grabbed its hem and pulled it up and off his body. He winced again at the angle his shoulder had to make to get the jersey over his head.

  “Actually I think I’m going to sit in the hot tub for a while. The ice didn’t help, so I’m hoping the heat will loosen it up. Feel like sitting with me?” His hands moved to his belt and he unbuckled it and pulled it through the loops. He toed off his cleats and reached down to pull his socks off but couldn’t manage it with his shoulder hurting.

  “I can sit with you for a little while.” I put my hand flat against his warm chest and pushed him playfully back so he tumbled onto his bed. Dropping down, I pulled off his socks one at a time. When I straightened back up, he was staring at me, propped up on his good arm and leaning to the side. The sight of him made my cheeks flush and I felt a small earthquake inside my stomach. He was just so breathtaking. The picture be
fore me could have been an ad for men’s underwear.

  We didn’t say a word to each other. When I took a tiny step back in an attempt to break the spell, he sat up and reached for my arm. His strong fingers wrapped around my wrist and he pulled me a little closer. I waited for him to say something, but he just looked up at me like he couldn’t put the words together. The sound of the front door opening brought us back down to reality and he quickly released my arm and looked away.

  “Go get your suit,” he said as I backed up and he stood.

  I didn’t look back as I took a few steps on my way out of his room. When I turned the knob and opened the door, his voice seemed to float over my shoulder and down into my soul. “Thanks, Zie.”

  “Of course.” I pulled his door shut behind me and headed downstairs.

  “How’s he doing?” his mom asked as she set her purse down on the counter.

  “It’s really sore. I think it’s hurting more than he’s admitting.” His mom nodded and I could see the worry in her eyes. So much of Nolan’s future was riding on his scholarship for baseball. If he couldn’t finish the season, there was a chance he would lose it. I wasn’t sure what would happen if he didn’t get the scholarship because we never talked about that. It felt like talking about that possibility gave it power somehow, and no one wanted to put that negative energy out there. Nolan’s dad put his hands on Mrs. Walker’s shoulders, and I got the impression that even though Nolan and I hadn’t discussed the possibility that he might lose the scholarship, they certainly had.

  “He’s going to be fine,” his dad reassured us. I nodded and smiled, hoping against all odds that he was right.

  Fourteen

  MY FEET WERE cold as I made my way across the wet grass and up to the gate. I should have worn my flip-flops, but my thoughts had been focused on hurrying back to Nolan. I opened the latch and slipped into his yard. The sound of the hot tub bubbling echoed through the otherwise quiet night.

  “Set up the Bluetooth on your phone to the speakers. You can pick the playlist,” he said from the edge of the hot tub. His legs were in the water from just below his knees down, and he was massaging his injured shoulder mindlessly as he watched the bubbles formed by the jets chasing each other around.

  I quickly set up the music and chose my country playlist. I set my phone and kit down on the lounge chair next to the one that had Nolan’s towel and flip-flops. It was still a little chilly outside so I tried to hurry so I wouldn’t get too cold in my bikini. Unclipping my pump, I slipped the small disconnect cover into the cannula housing and then wrapped the tubing around my pump and set it down on top of my towel.

  I sat on the edge of the hot tub and kicked my feet in the swirling water. “How’s it feeling?” I asked.

  “Not sure yet. I didn’t feel anything snap or pop, but there was this sharp pain when I released the ball. Now it just aches. Maybe I didn’t warm up enough.”

  “That sucks.” I kicked at the water and leaned back on my hands. I was glad I’d remembered to pull my hair up into a messy bun on the top of my head. The smell of chlorine seemed to take forever to wash out. The music was interrupted for a second and then resumed playing, which meant I had received a text message. My parents knew where I was and chances were, it was just the group text I was included on where Nisha and Regan were discussing The Bachelor spoilers they had accidentally seen online. I was just about to submerge more of my body into the water when it happened again.

  “You should get that or it’s going to drive me crazy.” Nolan bumped my shoulder with his good one. I twisted around and set my feet back on the steps. I could feel his eyes on me as I made my way over to my phone.

  JUDE: Hey Mackenzie.

  JUDE: Is Italian ok for Friday?

  My lips curled up as I typed back a response.

  ME: I love Italian.

  JUDE: Then it’s settled. Can’t wait to see you again.

  “Who’s making you smile?” Nolan asked when I set my phone down and headed back toward him.

  “It was Jude asking about dinner Friday.” I climbed up the steps and decided to just go for it and sit down on the seat beneath the water. My back stung for a second but quickly adjusted. Nolan slipped off the edge and into the water too. He let out a hiss when his shoulders dipped below the scorching surface.

  “Are you getting excited about your date?” He moved his good hand across the surface of the water, gathering the bubbles and then letting them go.

  “Excited and nervous, I guess.” I closed my eyes and slipped lower so my neck was submerged as well.

  “What are you nervous about? Just be yourself.”

  “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do, Nolan. Do we hold hands? Do I offer to pay for dinner?” I sighed and opened my eyes, looking at him. The jets tossed me around a little and our bodies had moved apart to slip comfortably into the seats in each corner.

  “He’ll pay for dinner because he asked you. Hold his hand if it feels right.” He put his good arm up across the back of the hot tub. I’d never even held a boy’s hand besides Nolan’s. I wasn’t sure any other hand would ever feel right in mine.

  “Do you think he’ll be able to tell that I’ve never kissed anyone before?” I sat up and folded my arms on the edge so I could rest my head.

  Nolan thought for a minute. I could tell the question had caught him off guard. “I guess that will depend on how good you are at doing it.” He looked away for a second. “Even if he figures it out, I don’t think that would make him not like you. I think it would be kind of cool to be someone’s first kiss.” His hand dipped back into the water and he rubbed at his hurt shoulder.

  “Come here,” I said, waving him over to me. He hesitated for a minute but then slid along the seat until he was in front of me. I opened and closed my hands to show him that I wanted to massage his shoulder. He grinned and turned around so he could sit between my legs. “Tell me if I hurt you.”

  My fingers gently traced his skin, from his neck to his shoulder and back. When he didn’t flinch or move away, I made the same movement again with more pressure. “That feels really good,” he said, relaxing back into me. My skin was touching his, and the places where we were connected were suddenly even hotter than they had been from the water. I made the trail with my hands back out to his shoulder.

  “Any pointers you could give me, Mr. Experienced?” I teased. He’d told me tons of stories over the years of his adventures with girls, but I couldn’t recall anything specific that would make me feel more prepared for what was happening on Friday. I already had plans to call Nisha and Regan later to talk more about it. We’d been discussing it all week and I knew they’d be excited to hear a guy’s perspective.

  “You’re really nervous, aren’t you?” he asked with disbelief. His hands rested on my knees beneath the surface. He leaned his head to the side so I could have better access to the muscles in his neck. “I don’t think there’s anything you could do to screw it up, Zie. You’re overthinking everything. Just relax and enjoy yourself. Don’t let him push you further than you want to go. That’s pretty much all I can give you.” He turned his head so he could see my face.

  “Okay. I’ll just relax and see what happens.” It was a lie. I was going to stress out about Friday for the rest of the week. Nolan was easygoing. Everyone loved him and he always knew the right things to say and do. I couldn’t get past imagining this horrible disaster of a kiss or getting food stuck in my teeth during dinner.

  “You’re not relaxing,” he said, and I realized I’d been staring off into space as I rubbed his tight shoulder muscles. I shook my head and blew out a big breath. He turned his body so that he was almost entirely facing me. His thigh brushed up against mine on the seat and I almost squeezed my legs around it. He laughed and grabbed my wrists. “Quit freaking out about it.”

  “Easy for you to say!” I tried to slip free from his grip but he just grinned at me and brought my hands beneath the water. “This is all new to me. I don�
��t like feeling like I’m going to mess something up.”

  “It doesn’t have to be perfect, Sugar. It’s just a first date. Maybe you will be nervous. Maybe you’ll struggle to find something to say to each other over dinner. Maybe he’ll even hold your hand the wrong way.” We both laughed because we knew the right way to hold hands was to lace your fingers together; it was something we’d discussed and agreed on in fourth grade. I moved my eyes back up to his. “And maybe you’ll need a little more practice kissing. None of it will matter if he gets to know you.”

  “If you say so,” I said, and he released my wrists. He watched my face, searching for a sign that I truly agreed with him and wouldn’t worry anymore. When he tipped his head to the side as if to say really? all I could do was shrug. He let out a strangled laugh and rubbed his hand over his face.

  “You’re infuriating sometimes,” he said as he stared straight into my eyes. “You get so deep into this head of yours, you sabotage yourself.” He tapped my head a few times lightly with his finger. “I can’t believe you’re really that worried about it.” When I didn’t say anything, I knew he could read all of my self-doubt in my face. I didn’t move and neither did he. Finally, he righted his head and whispered, “Do you trust me?”

  “Yes,” I whispered back without any hesitation. His hand emerged from the water and moved to the side of my face. He leaned in close to me and I watched his eyes until he was so close I could feel his skin brush against mine. His lips touched my lips softly as his hand tilted my head up just slightly and his thumb brushed across my cheek.

  I couldn’t believe it was happening. Nolan Walker was kissing me. Every other thought in my mind got quiet as his lips parted and his tongue slipped between my own parted lips. I hadn’t even realized I was opening my mouth for him, but there he was, his tongue caressing my own as our lips met again and again. I grew dizzy from the sensation of it and steadied myself with my hands on the outsides of his shoulders. My chest pressed up against him as I arched toward his body, needing to get closer and closer.