Let Me List the Ways

by Sarah White

  She was absolutely stunning. A tall, smiling woman, proudly showing off her amazing body. I put my hand on the handle of the drawer in his desk, about to retrieve the paper I would need to cover her up, when I saw something in the picture that made me do a double take. I leaned in closer, certain I was mistaken. My breath caught in my throat and I felt my eyes sting with tears.

  That gorgeous woman who was hanging proudly from my best friend’s bulletin board had an insulin pump clipped to her bikini bottoms. If you didn’t look closely you’d almost miss it against the dark fabric of her bottoms. The closer I looked, the clearer it became that this woman had not been ashamed at all of her pump, but instead wore it proudly for everyone to see.

  I could tell from the picture she was young and in some sort of competition. My gaze dropped down to the text where I read that her name was Sierra Sandison and she was a twenty-year-old beauty contestant in the Miss America pageant. She hadn’t been trying to make a big deal out of her diabetes, but simply clipped her pump to her bikini and took the stage. What she hadn’t realized she was doing was showing the world and all the other little girls who wore their own pumps that it didn’t take away from their beauty.

  I continued to read about her, completely in awe of this inspiring woman. Little girls across the country had been searching for her picture, so she had posted it to social media and it caught fire. Miss Idaho was a type 1 diabetic and she had just helped heal a little part of my heart that had been hurt with the thoughts of returning to school and facing everyone who had seen me fall. I wiped a tear from my cheek and tried to pull it together. I knew I’d never cover her. She could stay right there in all her inspiring beauty. She was perfect just the way she was.

  “I was hoping you wouldn’t cover her.” His voice was quiet behind me. I hadn’t even heard him step out of the bathroom. I’d been too wrapped up in reading her story. I turned around to look at him as he leaned against the door frame of his bathroom.

  “I can’t believe I’ve never heard her story. She’s so pretty.” I looked back over my shoulder again.

  “I told you a pump doesn’t make you any less beautiful. I hope seeing her will make you finally believe it.” He pushed off the door frame and headed for his dresser. He was already dressed in shorts and a T-shirt as he retrieved a pair of socks.

  “Thank you.” The words didn’t quite feel like enough, but I knew he understood what I couldn’t say.

  I couldn’t stop myself from closing the distance between us and throwing myself into his arms. He caught me and laughed as he wrapped his arms around my waist to keep me from falling. I closed my eyes and held him tightly. When I finally pulled my face from the crook of his neck, I planted a kiss right on his forehead. “Thank you,” I said just before I kissed his head again.

  “I knew it,” Seth said from the doorway, and I looked over my shoulder at him while Nolan leaned to the side to see past my body as he held me.

  “You don’t know anything,” Nolan joked. He loosened his arms and I slid down his body.

  “So you’re leaving me for him, huh?” Seth continued. “I thought we were good together.” I walked over to him and messed up his hair.

  “It will always be you, love,” I teased, kissing him softly on his cheek.

  “All right. Enough.” Nolan sighed, smiling at both of us as he retrieved his socks, which had fallen to the floor when I jumped in his arms. “What do you want?”

  “Mom told me to let you know the physical therapist’s office called and needed to move your appointment to five tonight.”

  “Thanks,” Nolan replied, tucking his feet into his shoes.

  “No problem.” Seth blew me a kiss and then shut the door. Nolan rolled his eyes, but I could see the corners of his lips fighting a smile.

  I thought I would be a lot more nervous walking into school than I actually ended up feeling. Nolan was trying hard to keep me distracted, telling me about all the differences he’d found so far between The Walking Dead comics and the TV show on AMC. He liked to make predictions about what was going to happen next on the show based on what had happened in the graphic novels. His technique worked, and by the time we got to my locker, it felt like any other Monday at school.

  After gathering everything I needed from mine, we headed over to his. The school was decorated with posters announcing the dates for prom. Nolan and I had gone to many school dances together, but he would almost definitely go with Erin this year. As for me, I wasn’t sure who my date would be. Maybe Jude and I would go together or maybe I’d just go with some friends.

  Nolan stopped at the door of my classroom and pulled me aside. “You walk with your head up high today or I’m going to hold you down and tickle you until you scream.” He tapped my nose and made me smile. He reached into his pocket and handed me some candy Kisses. “Just in case you need a pick-me-up.” Kids pushed past us and stepped into classes while others acted like they had all the time in the world to sit around and chat with friends. “Start thinking about that road trip, okay?” Nolan took a step back. “Let’s cross it off our list during spring break.”

  “Sounds good,” I agreed even though I didn’t know if my parents would be okay with me going anywhere alone for a few nights. I was old enough that they couldn’t really stop me, but I’d never go without their blessing. I also wasn’t sure that Nolan had thought about Erin and how she’d feel about us going away on a trip together.

  “Head up, Sugar,” he said one last time before turning and heading to his class. I knew right then that I’d be spending the entire day dreaming about escaping this town for the wide-open road with him. It really didn’t matter where we went—I only cared about being where he was.

  Twenty-Six

  “SO WHAT EXACTLY is your assignment?” I asked my friend Sasha as we left the school newspaper meeting the following Monday. I was really excited because I’d been assigned to interview students about the mandatory pep rallies our school held after one group of students began protesting them last month. It was going to be a great story, and Sasha had even offered to introduce me to her cousin who had organized the rally resistance. She’d also asked if she could talk to some of my friends at lunch.

  “I’m writing about the remarkable things that happened to us this year. I feel like there is so much negative news going on in the world, I just want to write something that makes people smile. I want it to be happiness in print. I want students to connect with other students through shared joy.” Sasha was practically beaming. I still had no idea what she was writing about, but I always loved her work when she was finished.

  “Okay, then let’s get you started.” I led her out to where Nisha, Regan, Declan, and Nolan were sitting. I’d also let Jude know we’d be there if he’d wanted to join us. Once again the smell of burgers on the barbecue had called to Declan like a siren would a pirate.

  I sat across from Nolan with Jude and Sasha, leaving the open space next to him for Erin, who was almost to our group, her lunch in hand. I gave her a smile and a wave when she took her seat at his side. “Hi, everyone,” I said now that the group was all there. “This is Sasha and she writes for the paper with me. She needs to ask everyone some questions and I told her you would help her out because I need her to help me out. So please be cool.”

  Everyone laughed and agreed to help. Sasha slipped her backpack off her shoulders and pulled out her notebook. “Okay. I’m doing a piece on remarkable moments. I just want your honest response. I can also leave your name off if you want to be anonymous, but I’m hoping you don’t because it’s much more fun for our readers if they know who you are.”

  “Scandalous,” Declan teased.

  “I’ll ask the question and we’ll just go around the circle answering it. I think that’s the easiest way,” Sasha said, squinting her eyes as she counted our group members. “I won’t need your answers, Mackenzie.”

  “Sweet,” I replied as I pulled out my kit and tested myself.

  “Okay, first q
uestion. What was the most remarkable win you had this year? It can be social, educational, sports . . .” Sasha let her voice trail off.

  To answer in an orderly direction, Jude went first. “I won a regional surfing competition.”

  Declan went next. “I was accepted into Arizona State.”

  “I was accepted at NYU,” Nisha said next. Her smile faltered and Declan reached for her hand.

  Regan answered easily. “I asked my crush out and she said yes.”

  Erin was already smiling. She turned and looked at Nolan. “I started dating my crush too.”

  I was glad I didn’t have to share anything because in that moment it felt like my brain was wiped of all epic moments. Nolan’s eyes met mine and he paused in thought. I looked down at my lunch.

  “I didn’t reinjure my shoulder,” he answered. I looked up and saw Erin lean her head on it. I pulled my sandwich from my lunch bag, wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have offered up my friends so easily.

  “Great,” Sasha cooed. “Tell me about your most remarkable kiss this year.”

  I told myself not to look up at Nolan, but the message came too late. Our eyes locked for a brief second before we both looked away. I could feel the sharp pain where I’d drawn my bottom lip between my teeth and the heat that had risen to my cheeks.

  Jude smiled when I looked at him. “After Italian food with a girl who hates bachelor groupies almost as much as she loves zombies.”

  Nisha, Regan, and Erin all said, “Aww,” and I knew I should have been swooning, but I was feeling anxious instead. Jude deserved better than that. The guilt from what Nolan and I had done was back and I could hardly stand to be sitting there with Erin as if it had never happened. I tried to smile and I think I pulled it off, but I refused to look at anyone and I could see out of the corner of my eye that Nisha and Regan had their eyes on me, as if they could sense that something wasn’t right.

  I slipped my backpack off my shoulders and tugged off my sweatshirt. When did it get so hot? Heat spread up my neck and across my chest. Declan was oblivious to my freak-out and answered the question with the typical swagger he lived his whole life with. “Every time I kiss Nisha it’s remarkable. But I think the best kiss this year was at homecoming under those little twinkling light things. What are those called?”

  Silence met his question.

  “Babe?” he asked. “Nisha!”

  “What?” She finally turned to him.

  “What were those little twinkling lights called that you liked at the homecoming dance? You know, the ones you made us take ten thousand selfies with?”

  Nisha shook her head a few times, and I looked at Regan, who had never taken her eyes off me. She skillfully raised one brow. She was onto me. My only saving grace was that they were probably both assuming I was flustered by Jude talking about our first kiss. They wouldn’t assume it had been the memory of Nolan kissing me that had turned my world upside down again.

  “I don’t know,” Nisha answered. She looked at me, her expression confused and pleading all at once. She knew something was up. God, now I couldn’t breathe! Was my throat getting smaller? I put my hand around it just to check.

  “What about your most remarkable kiss?” Sasha asked Nisha, trying to stay on track and equally as oblivious as Declan.

  “Homecoming,” Nisha said succinctly.

  Regan was up next, and she squinted her eyes and answered, “I kissed my crush and it was epic.” I thought we were going to move on, but then Regan added pointedly, “But . . . my friends already knew that because I. Don’t. Keep. Secrets. From. Them.”

  Dammit.

  Erin looked to Regan and then back to me. Clearly there was some friend drama happening, but she didn’t know the half of it. No one did. Well, no one but the boyfriend at her side and me. She shook it off and smiled as she answered Sasha’s prompt. “My most remarkable kiss this year was at the beach bonfire. There is something about the waves and the glow of the fire that makes it so romantic, right?”

  Thank God it was almost over. Nolan just had to share his most remarkable kiss and we could move on. I could stuff this day away in my memory and then block it out like I had the memory of the night in the Jacuzzi with Nolan. I held my breath as he took forever to respond. Every eye in the group was on him, every ear ready to hear the story of his most remarkable kiss.

  He looked at Erin, and even though she was smiling up at him, his lips were not curling for her the way they should be and my lungs ceased their movement. His head turned in my direction and I pleaded with him silently to do the right thing for his relationship. He did not need to lie to save our friendship, and I had already begun to mend my own feelings so the responsibility to save them did not rest on his shoulders.

  He drew in a deep breath and I knew before he even began that he was about to make a huge mistake, and one that would not be easy to repair.

  “Mine was unexpected,” Nolan said, his eyes on mine, leaving no doubt that he was talking to me and possibly leaving little doubt to our close friends that he was talking about me.

  “Don’t,” I begged softly. I shook my head. “You didn’t have to do that. You know it meant nothing.” I grabbed my stuff as fast as I could as our friends sat in shocked silence. Just before I pushed up to my feet, I looked Erin in the eye. “I’m so sorry.”

  Once I was on my feet, I offered my hand to Jude. “Can I help you up? I’d like to walk you to your next class. I think we have a few things to talk about.”

  He only hesitated long enough to throw a glance in Nolan’s direction. I’m not sure if he was afraid Nolan was going to challenge him somehow or if he wasn’t sure he wanted to get in the middle of all the drama he’d found himself in. In the end, he gave me a tight smile and put his hand in mine.

  I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, but I knew it was time to be honest with myself and with him about my feelings. “I’m sorry about the way that just happened. The kiss between Nolan and me was before you and I went out on our first date.”

  “I knew he liked you,” he said, nudging me with his shoulder.

  “No, it’s actually the other way around. I’m sorry.” I made myself look up at his face even though I was ashamed for letting him find out about the kiss in such a terrible way and for not being honest with him about my feelings for Nolan when he’d asked about our relationship at the bonfire.

  “It sucks, but I’m not mad at you,” he said. “Obviously I know what it’s like to be into someone more than they’re into you. But if you want my opinion,” he said, and I looked up at him because I did want to hear what he was thinking, “Nolan is totally into you. The guy just completely destroyed his relationship for you.” He winced as he said it. “That was brutal out there.”

  I shook my head. “He thought his choice was his relationship with her or his friendship with me. We would always choose our friendship over anything else.”

  The bell rang, letting us know that lunchtime was over. Jude stopped us outside his class. “The way you describe your relationship with him, it sounds like your friendship is never really at risk, Mackenzie. Maybe Nolan was really choosing you this time.”

  Nolan was waiting for me by his truck after school. I’d had the conversation I wanted to have with him a hundred times in my head in fifth and sixth period, but when we were alone in the cab of his truck, I had no idea what to say to him. He spoke first as he drove us home.

  “I’m sorry, Zie. Were you able to fix things with Jude?”

  “He understood what happened between us. It wasn’t the best way to find out, but it was a conversation that was overdue. What about you? Was Erin hurt? Were you able to explain that it meant nothing to us? It was just a silly lesson.” I thought about the look on her face when I’d apologized. The way she’d had tears in her eyes and had let her hands fall to her lap instead of tangling them around Nolan.

  Nolan was quiet for a long moment, as if he was struggling with whether or not to tell me everything. Finally he said
, “She was hurt, of course. I was honest with her like I should have been the night it happened.”

  “Maybe she just needs time,” I said, trying to be hopeful that he didn’t just throw away his relationship for nothing.

  “Time isn’t going to fix this problem.”

  “I’m sorry,” I told him as we pulled into his driveway. “I wish that kiss had never happened.”

  Nolan’s hand froze on his handle, his eyes closed. “I’m sorry too, Zie.”

  Twenty-Seven

  NOLAN GAVE THE parking attendant a small wave as we passed through the orange cone maze they had set out through the entire parking structure. We hadn’t thought that Disneyland would be crowded on a Wednesday, but it looked like they were expecting tons of people. We went around another curve and then were led out to a large ramp where we’d have to ascend to the top level and park. Car after car slid into the spots they were directed to like a perfectly timed synchronized swimming routine. We were barely able to get our doors open before the cars on either side opened, spilling tons of kids into the space around us.

  Last night as I was lying awake in my bed unable to sleep, Nolan had sent me a text letting me know that his coach had a family emergency and practice had been canceled. It was something that never happened so he wanted to take advantage of his free afternoon and cross another item off our list. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. We needed to escape the drama our secret had caused and have some fun reminding ourselves why we were willing to risk everything to keep our friendship.

  Nolan was carrying a backpack that contained our sweatshirts, sunscreen, and of course my kit. My mom had bought the tickets for us after checking with Mrs. Walker and then calling the school to get our work for the day. If you live anywhere near the park, you know that the best days to go to Disneyland are the midweek days of any season that isn’t summer or Halloween or Christmas. If you don’t follow those guidelines, you will spend hundreds of dollars to wait in lines for hours to ride two rides and get a sunburn and tired feet. That’s how we found ourselves riding the large escalator down to the trams at nine in the morning on a school day.