The Helio Trilogy: Volumes 1-3

by Valerie Roeseler

  Sleep comes easy in Ezra’s arms as he flies me back to The Keep. I’ve been awake for what I assume is around sixty hours with no form of nourishment while I was in a trance of euphoria and did anything and everything to drain my body of energy to no avail. On top of that… I just lost to Cora.

  Chapter 21

  It’s amusing how things evolve; time and seasons, people’s traits and emotions, earth and water, order and chaos, hope and dreams, luck and destiny. Growing from a child to a woman, over eighty different seasons passed, none the same as before. My hair grew long, my body matured, and I went from happy and loving to closed off and guarded. My Enochian heritage simmered within my veins until the prime moment my body would be at its ripest. My dreams transformed into nightmares. The earth was cracked open, and I drowned. Everything I knew as myth became my reality. I was forced to give in, then forced to let go. In return, my unbeatable ruthlessness was taken, leaving me frail and broken; an utter failure.

  These things are all I’ve been thinking about as I lay curled into myself on my bed. Solas has been sitting in the chair beside my bed since I woke up. I haven’t spoken to him yet, and have kept my back to him, but he knows I’m awake. He finally moves onto the bed with me, and wraps his arms around me, resting his warm face against mine. His solid chest rumbles against my back as he whispers against my cheek, “Come back to me, princess. This isn’t you.” He gently kisses my face.

  I want to be the person for him that I used to be.

  Something stirs profoundly from within me. There’s an unfathomable craving for strength, courage, and resilience. It’s an effortless quality I once possessed. The place within me where it once lay is gone, and I wish it could be replaced.

  We are taught to believe our flaws and faults are crimes against perfection. We are trained to be ashamed of them. We spend our entire lives laboring for improvement, to rectify the mistakes we were created with, to no longer insult those we have offended by our mere existence. But without our imperfections, we are half the beings we were created to be.

  It has taken me great lengths of giving up my own imperfection—my Darkness—to appreciate why that part of me is crucial. Without my Darkness, my essence is unbalanced. Not only has it deteriorated the strength of my abilities, but it has also weakened my resolve. I am literally half of what I am capable of. I am half the being I was created to be. Once you relinquish a piece of your essence, I doubt it can it be sewn back together. My Darkness is gone, and so is that part of me. I am forever changed.

  Teloch does not exist.

  Teloch is dead.

  Solas spins me within his arms to face him. The emotion in his gaze speaks volumes. He’s been listening to my thoughts. He claims, “Your Darkness is not why I love you. It’s the entirety of you, Light and Darkness together, colliding and unifying into the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes upon. No one being could handle the balance as you have. No one else would have the strength to sacrifice that balance. You don’t see the strength I do. You are Ivy Harris. You don’t give up. You never surrender.”

  Despair trails down my cheek as I doubt his words. I have nothing left. I don’t know who I am anymore.

  I’m hoisted over his shoulder and marched into the bathroom. I holler, “What are you doing?”

  He turns the water on, filling the tub. He turns this way and that, gathering things, “I’ve had enough of this shit. I refuse to let you abandon everything you know. Do you realize you don’t even curse anymore?”

  I’m swung off his shoulder and placed in the cold water filling the tub—fully clothed. I gasp with the drastic cold temperature. My teeth clench as I growl, “What do you want from me?”

  He folds his arms over his chest in hesitation. “I want you to say ‘fuck.’”

  “Why?” He snatches up the extendable faucet and sprays my face. I fan and wave a hand to block the water, but it’s no use. “Stop!”

  “Say it!” he demands. He’s not being funny or playful. I fear the next step he’ll take if I don’t do as he says. “I’ll stop as soon as you say it!”

  “Solas, come on! This is stupid!”

  “Then say it!”

  I fist my hands tightly, my nails digging into my palms. My entire body tenses in unison. When I can’t hold my frustration anymore, I bellow, “Fuck!”

  The water stops spraying me as he drops the faucet back in place. I wipe my eyes, shake the water from my hands, then glare at him. He comments, “Good.” Turning to leave, he remarks, “Now, get cleaned up, put your big girl panties on, and find me on The Common when you’re done.”

  My jaw drops. The door to my chambers is slammed shut. What just happened?

  I take my time gathering myself, throwing a hissy fit the whole time. By the time I stomp down the corridor leading to The Common, I’m fuming. The vaulted door is left wide open for me, the storm outside blowing in and slicking the entrance. I grumble internally, crossing my arms over my chest, Solas! It’s raining! I’m not coming out there.

  He reprimands me through thought, “Yes, you are. We’ve been waiting. Get your ass up here!”

  We?

  I throw my arms down and stomp my foot with a growl. “Fine.” I march through the threshold, blinded by the heavy pellets of rain, finding Solas at the peak of The Keep with Jack, my father, and Camael. Swiftly, I comprehend the amount of trouble I’m about to be in for leaving. I don’t expect them to baby me. They never have. My wings burst from my shoulder blades and carry me to face the consequences of my action. Landing in a puddle of thick mud, I’m greeted with collective disappointment and frustration.

  Solas quirks a brow at me, “Are you done throwing a temper tantrum?”

  I roll my eyes and wipe the water from my face. “Is it ever going to stop raining?”

  Jack offers, “The hurricane should pass in two more days.”

  I ask my father, “Where have you been?”

  He raves, “It is none of your concern as to where I have been. I was away on business. Why would you leave The Keep? You were unguarded, and anything could have happened to you. You are lucky Ezra was there to save you from Cora.”

  I can’t meet anyone’s eyes. Silence eats the space between us as I focus on the mud on my boots. Shame plagues me once again, Great. Everyone knows. Then I question, If everyone was so worried, why didn’t anyone come for me?

  Solas addresses Camael, “She wants to know why no one came to retrieve her.”

  I look to Solas with betrayal, “What the heck, Chief? Are you going to be my narrator from now on?”

  Camael begins, “After the disaster of our training, I knew the turmoil you would undoubtedly feel. You needed time to process and discover a way to handle yourself—Your new self.”

  Jack glares at his father as he adds, “He forbid us from coming after you.”

  Camael continues, “I covered for your absence. I told Michael and the others that I needed more time to train you. It took some convincing, but he ultimately agreed. I stayed out of sight during the day. No one questioned it. Once Azrael arrived, I told him what had happened while he was away; your fight with Michael, Dominions’ decision, ordering you to purge your Darkness, and your claim that it was a piece of your essence.”

  I behold the sadness in my father’s dark violet eyes. He admits, “I never knew. I never thought to search your essence. I never needed to.”

  Solas testifies, “They believe us now.”

  I wring my hair out over my shoulder as the rain begins to let up and I shrug, “So? There’s nothing I can do about it. It’s gone. I’ll have to start my training from the beginning and hope it’s enough to keep me alive; to keep everyone alive.”

  Jack raves, “No. I don’t except that. This has changed you so completely; I wouldn’t know where to even begin to re-train you. You have no anger! There’s not a mean bone in your body! How are we supposed to train you to kill?”

  I whine in protest, “I have anger. I was mad earlier when Solas spr
ayed me with cold water.”

  Jack counters, “Not real anger. You get irritated, but there’s no rage! I haven’t heard a single curse word fly from your mouth!”

  I volley, “I curse!”

  Solas snickers beside me. “I made her say, ‘fuck.’”

  I scoff as the two of them snicker at my expense. Camael interrupts, “Each of us has come to the same conclusion.” I give him my full attention. “You need your essence to be unified again. I realize, now, it never should have been taken from you in the first place.”

  “You want me to defy Dominions?” I challenge.

  He doesn’t voice his agreement, but I see it in his countenance. Solas notes, “This decision is ultimately yours to make. We cannot make the decision to damn your essence for you.”

  I think carefully about my choices. Even if there were a way to get my Darkness back, I would constantly battle with myself to maintain its balance.

  Solas presents, “Is that something you’re willing to sacrifice?”

  I announce, “I want it back. I’m lost without it.”

  My father stresses, “It would mean you must take an essence of Darkness and claim it as your own. You must hunt for one worthy enough to fill the void within you.”

  I hesitate, “There may be a different way.” They wait for me to elaborate, but my idea is not set in stone. “I’ll get back to you by the end of the day.”

  I’m gone before they can question me further, and I block my thoughts from Solas’ prying.

  I trail water through The Keep as I return to my chambers. A fresh set of clothes is my first mission. While I was irritated with the location Solas chose to meet, I understood why. The distance and noise of the storm covered up our conversation, making it impossible for those wanting and able to eavesdrop. I give up fixing my hair in this weather, resigning to a tight plait over my shoulder.

  My search takes me through the east wing of The Keep with no result. As I pass the Throne Room on the way to the west wing, Michael halts me, “Ivy! How has your training progressed with Camael?”

  My body stiffens. I’ve been engulfed with the thought of getting my Darkness back. I didn’t stop to think about how Michael could prevent it from happening. I don’t want to tell him and hope that just this once, I can hide behind my father’s wings while he explains why my Darkness is a necessity. I give Michael a nervous half-smile, “Uh… It’s been very…enlightening.” He tilts his head at my stammering. I quickly add, “You should ask him yourself. I think you’ll be surprised!”

  He pivots away gradually, keeping an eye on me as I walk backward on my path to the west wing. “Perhaps, I will.”

  I bolt for Beckett’s chambers, knowing Michael will find Camael soon enough. I relentlessly pound on his door with the flat side of my fist, “Beckett! Open up! Come on, Beck! I know you’re in there!”

  The door swings open as Beckett answers, “Where’s the damn fire?” I barge in, pushing him out of the way. He presents a hand behind me, “By all means, do come in, Princess!” The door is slammed shut.

  I ignore his jib, talking fast due to the weight of my race against time. My hands gesture wildly as I pace and rant, “I suck, Beck! I suck so bad! I should have known what was going to happen. I think Michael’s had it out for me from the beginning. I just haven’t figured out why. I gave up all that I am. Cora almost killed me!”

  He interjects, “When?”

  I roll my eyes. “At The Tunnel, but Ezra was there, thank goodness, and he saved me.”

  Beck bursts, “You were at The Tunnel? Did you know it’s a trap?”

  “It’s a long story. I had fun. Ezra showed up. We were dancing. Cora came. Kicked my butt. He brought me back to The Keep. Blah, blah, blah.” I see the gears turning in his head but don’t have time to elaborate. “Anyway, I tried to explain to Solas before that my essence is a perfect balance of Light and Darkness. After the fight Michael and I got into, Dominions took his side and demanded I purge every ounce of Darkness from me.”

  “Is that what’s the matter with you?”

  I clap once to keep him focused, stilling myself as well, “Yes. Listen. Since I gave up the Darkness of my essence, I’ve been incomplete. I’m nothing compared to what I used to be. Training with Camael, he deemed me an utter failure. After losing to Cora, he’s coming back around. He and my father want me to take the Darkness back, even if that means defying Dominions.”

  “How would you do that?”

  I waver a moment. How could I ask him for his essence? I’m a horrible person.

  I deflate, “I have to take an essence of Darkness from someone and make it my own.” Beckett goes motionless. I swallow hard before I lie, “I need your help finding someone. I’m not allowed to leave The Keep.” For a moment, I fear I’ve broken him with how fast I spoke. I excuse myself, sliding past him for the door, “I’m sorry. You probably don’t want to leave either. I’ll see if Solas can go.”

  “What if I gave you mine?”

  I freeze. Tears build behind my eyes, burning my throat. My words come softly, but I don’t turn back around, “I can’t ask that of you.”

  “You’re not. I’m asking you.”

  I regard him with a wretchedness seizing my heart, “You would be made a mortal human… You would lose your wings.”

  Beckett’s response is steadfast, “I would do it for her… I would do it for you.”

  I propose, “I don’t want you to make this decision hastily. Please, think about it. I’ll wait. I’m sure I will have to clear it with the rest of the Originals.”

  “No. I want to do it,” he asserts.

  We behold each other’s eyes, a lifetime of sorrows, appreciation, respect, and adoration passing between us. I’ve always thought Beckett to be as reckless as I was, yet I know this is not a swift decision for him. I see this is what he wants. There is no doubt in his beautiful gray eyes. I acknowledge his choice, “Thank you. When you’re ready, meet me in my room.” He nods once, and I show myself out.

  I send a thought out to Solas to meet me with the others in my chambers. When they arrive, I explain to him, my father, Camael, and Jack about Beckett’s situation. I inform them of my plan and Beckett’s agreement to take his essence and give him a mortal soul in return. They are taken aback, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

  Finally, Solas asks, “Does anyone else know? Did he tell Theodora and Cassius?”

  “I don’t know.”

  There’s a knock at the door, Beckett enters as I call for him. He sees those present and nervously closes the door behind him. “I’m ready.”

  Camael assesses, “Are you positive this is what you want, Beckett?”

  Beckett answers, “Yes.”

  Solas inquires, “Do you want to talk to Theodora or Cassius?”

  He alleges, “They will be here shortly. I told them what I was doing.” He regards me, “Is it ok if they’re present?”

  I nod without voice, my emotions building in my chest.

  Cass and Thea arrive, and there’s a heaviness that befalls the situation. They embrace their brother as if this is the last time they will see him. In a way, it is. He will never be the same after this moment. He will be human. He’ll never fly with us again. He’ll never take on his form of a Griffin again. He’ll never battle with his brother and sister by his side.

  I think back to the first day I met him—when he and Cass were charged with guarding me. We raced on The Common that day. They had a hard time keeping up with my speed. I had joked that they should stop relying on their wings so much. The truth is, I could never keep up with his speed in the sky.

  It dawns on me that he won’t be able to stay at The Keep any longer. I’m sure he didn’t plan on staying anyway since this was his way to be with Becky. I was going to miss our pranks. I was going to miss him. He would no longer be a rogue. He would be free. That’s the most important outcome to me; his freedom.

  Beckett turns to Jack and shakes his hand. Jack jerks him into his chest
for a manly bear hug. Beckett regards Solas, “Well, Chief?”

  Solas and Beck assess each other a moment, then surprise everyone when they embrace. Solas mutters, “You be good to Becky. She’s Ivy’s friend. If you hurt her, I’ll have to hunt you down. Got it, pussy cat?

  Beck chuckles as he pulls away with a grin, “I got it, pigeon.”

  He takes a relaxing breath as he faces me, “Let’s do this.”

  I squeeze my arms around my middle as I nod vehemently. I present a hand toward the rug before the roaring hearth, “Just like before.”

  We face each other on the rug as everyone else circles around us. The reflection of the fire dances in his irises. I offer my hands for him to take when he’s ready. He doesn’t hesitate. I let my empathic walls down enough to feel Beckett’s emotions while guarding myself from the emotions of others. His emotions flow into me, valor, pride, sorrow, anxiety, hope, determination.

  I direct Beckett tenderly, squeezing his hands firmly for encouragement, “Keep your eyes on mine, alright?” He nods once. It’s tense with nerves of what may transpire.

  The room and its contents constrict around us as Beckett’s pupils dilate. I dive deep into his being, searching for his essence. I recognize the obligation he feels to protect what is his; Becky. He has always been compelled to break free of the Darkness, only never knew there was an option. He has longed for freedom and a soul of his own for so long, yet it is his biggest fear. I see that now. He feels he will regret leaving his brother and sister behind. I feel the doubt in his mind.

  I dig deeper. The Darkness of his essence calls to me. It’s beautiful, shimmering blue and gold flecks within its blackness. I reach out with my mind, plucking a fleck from its form, mesmerized with how easy it would be to separate it. Beckett’s growing fear and anxiety cause me to falter.

  He’s not ready.

  I begin to retreat, not willing to force him into giving up his essence. As I pull my mind back, his Darkness appears to follow, separating itself intentionally. I pause, Wait.

  I withdrawal from Beckett immediately. Beckett and I gasp together.