One Forever Kiss (Affair Without End Book 4)

by Susan Ward

  I searched her face, hoping I’d heard her wrong and seeing on her face that I hadn’t. A dozen thoughts collided in my head.

  “What? Is that a joke? I’m sixty-three years old, Linda. Believe me, it’s not funny.”

  Her eyes flashed—oh shit, that was out of my mouth, in a totally wrong way, before I could stop it.

  “It’s not meant to be,” she snapped. “Personally, I think it’s pretty damn serious. About as serious as life gets.”

  I stared at her. “How? I don’t understand.”

  “Aha.” She arched a brow and crossed her arms. “You’ve figured me out. After twenty-five years, my plan has come together. Jesus Christ, Jack. I stopped using birth control when we decided you were right and couldn’t get the job done. You know that. We talked about it. Remember? Continuing in spirit was what you jokingly called it. You’d be up to your neck in shit with that last comment if I didn’t know you are always a stumbling jerk when life surprises you and if that joke comment wasn’t pretty much what I said when the doctor told me. I thought it was early menopause. I’m forty-six. So don’t look at me like I shot your dog or something. Jesus Christ, Jack. I’m fucking forty-six.”

  Her voice broke on the last words, and she sank down onto the sand and started crying.

  I settled close to her and pulled her into my arms. “Don’t cry, baby. We’ll figure this out.”

  Her face jerked up and her eyes flashed again. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  Oh fuck.

  “How pregnant are you?” I asked, and damn, it was another blunder, because I could tell she thought I was asking are you too far along to fix this? instead of trying to figure out if she had that preggers hormone thing yet.

  Her lips tightened before she took the lower one in her teeth and made her I’m really mad, Jack sound. “Ten weeks.”

  “OK. That gives us time to consider all our options. Is your doctor concerned because of your age? Is that why you’re so rattled by this? The risk—”

  She sprang to her feet. “Oh, don’t you even try that. If you don’t want me to have it, say so. It won’t change what I do, but at least it would be fucking honest.”

  I stared up at her, fighting to maintain my calm. I was just trying to figure out what she was thinking about this. I hadn’t even had time to process what I thought.

  “Your body, your choice, Linda,” I said patiently. “My vote ended when I climbed into bed with you. Whatever you want to do is what we do.”

  She stared down at me, eyes sparkly and anxious.

  “But I don’t know what I want to do. Our life is perfect. We have the best of all worlds, Jack. We’re faithful, committed, in love, and independent.”

  “Thank you for not saying old,” I added carefully. “Well, on my side of the list.”

  She unbent a tad and dropped down onto the sand, laying her head on my shoulder this time. “Definitely not what I expected at this point.”

  I kissed her cheek. “Me either.”

  “Life is supposed to get easier, not harder. Why is it so fucking hard?”

  For some reason, I didn’t like the sound of that comment on the heels of the our life is perfect speech.

  “Life is pretty damn simple, Linda, if you let it be. Why don’t you just tell me what it is you want us to do? What do you want me to do for you?”

  I knew what I wanted.

  The baby was a deal changer, and I couldn’t settle for anything less than them both being here with me always. Even if it didn’t work with her unique way of balancing her universe, it wouldn’t work for me any other way.

  I waited, tense with dread, my heart rapidly pounding as every muscle on her face tightened.

  “Oh? You’re the priority here. Not me. Not my life. Not my job. Not everything I’ve worked for. Jack not wanting kids—priority. Then let me fix that fast for you so we can move on to our next argument. I don’t want anything from you. I don’t want anything in our life to change, Jack.”

  Oh fuck. Did she really think that existed in the realm of possibility for me? Us being as we were, except now both the woman who owned my heart and my child would be part of the happy Rowan family.

  “Linda, you don’t mean that.”

  She stared me down with her dark brown eyes.

  “Oh yeah, Jack, I do. It’s for the best we leave everything exactly as it is.”

  I squared off with my eyes right back at her. “You know me better than that, Linda. I can’t do what you expect me to do.”

  “Then don’t,” she whispered before she stood up and hurried back toward the stairs to the lawn.

  I stopped her. “Don’t ask me to give you things I can’t. Not now. Not after everything we’ve been to each other. I love you, Linda.”

  Her eyes lost their luster before she squared her shoulders. She shook off my hand from her arm. “I didn’t ask you for anything, Jack. That’s how we love. Remember?”

  She hurried up the stairs, went home, and seven months later named my daughter Madison Rowan.

  Chapter Fifty

  The present…

  My phone dings and I look up to see that it’s nearly sunset over the Pacific and it’s a notification from Kaley.

  Oh Jeez, if she’s texting me I’m a great-grandfather.

  My heart races as I swipe open the phone. Probably one of Kaley’s massive group texts.

  Ah, a video.

  I hit play and my eyes burn with tears as I lock on the screen. Bobby and Kaley in the hospital. Alan and Chrissie on one side of the bed—they look so happy—and Linda on the other side.

  My heart clenches.

  I turn up the sound.

  My granddaughter’s face smiles out at me.

  Music plays in the background.

  When the hell did Kaley find time after having a baby to produce a video? Jeez, she is an amazing girl—married, blogger, independent film producer, and now mother at twenty-one.

  Completely together, getting everything right at a third my age. I feel a sharp jab at my heart and force it away as the music fades because I don’t want to feel anything other than this moment.

  “Hello everyone,” she says proudly. “I have a special guest joining me for Kaley’s World today. He arrived at 4:02 p.m.” She turns the baby to face the camera. “I’d like to present Samuel Parker Rowan. I’m going to sign off now and I’m taking a short leave from my vlog, but I’ll be back soon with new stories and definitely a baby tale or two. Thank you all for your texts and calls. As you can see, we’re all doing wonderfully in Kaley’s World. Love and peace.”

  The video ends on a picture of baby Samuel.

  Oh fuck.

  So much is running loose in me I can barely breath. I can’t believe she named the baby after Sammy.

  I brush at my tears as I shoot a fast text to Kaley.

  I should have been there. Some moments in life are too special to miss.

  I replay the video without the audio and this time focus only on Linda. Lovely Linda. Lovely—stubborn and proud—Linda.

  She still gets my heart racing. Nothing is ever going to change that, and the wrongness of where we are hits me like a ton of bricks in a painful, unmistakable way.

  Neither of us has done one right or emotionally honest thing since that fight on the beach when she told me she was pregnant.

  I did, for a while, try to roll with things the way Linda wanted, but trying to love her the way she needed me to without having her in my life hurt too much, and by Madison’s third birthday I couldn’t do it anymore and stepped into the role she forced me into.

  Family friend.

  In managing her life the way she thought she had to—correction, where that argument at the beach made her think she had to—I was dropped to a status in Linda’s world below her career, her family, and my daughter.

  We’re still friends.

  We talk and see each other regularly.

  Our lives are forever interwoven.

  It is impossible to
untangle that.

  And I don’t want to untangle us, because even though she walked away from me, I’d never walked away in my heart from Linda.

  I tried many times to make amends. To figure a way out of the situation I created and she lets exist. But clearly somehow I wasn’t doing it the right way.

  So I left the ball in her court, sat back, loving and patient, waiting for Linda to come back to me.

  A lot of good that did me.

  There are religions that believe every agonizing moment of your life you will go through more than once until you get it right. I’m not a wholehearted believer in any faith or philosophy, but time has pretty much confirmed that maxim for me. We do go through the agonizing moments over and over again until we get them right. But that’s not the result of a divine being or some superior master plan. It is the inescapable flaw of human existence.

  We live the same moments and they end the same way, only to be repeated, until we change. We have to change the road we’re on and the journey we are making.

  I’ve always been a constant and unchanging man.

  Patient, steadfast, and loving.

  Those traits in many ways have been my doom.

  But the trick isn’t to change who the man is; it’s to change how he uses who he is to better his life and the lives of those he loves.

  Patience—that hasn’t worked thus far with Linda.

  Steadfast—some success, but we were never completely what I wanted us to be. We sure as hell weren’t now.

  Love—our life wasn’t better from me having loved Linda. I simply loved and left it to do the work for me, and I should have learned back with Lena that that is the ultimate failure of a man.

  I stare down at my cell, eyes locked on the picture of Kaley with little baby Sammy. Jesus Christ, a new generation of Parkers has entered the world. Joy and sadness suffuse my flesh.

  I’m not really sure how I got to the place I presently am with Linda. Maybe the how doesn’t matter. I will always love her and I’m pretty sure she still loves me.

  It’s time for me to change my journey the way I’ve longed to since 1980. It’s time for me to be the man I need to be for me.

  I spring up from the grass and walk from the cliffs to the house. When I reach the patio, Liam is stretched out in a lounger by the pool.

  “Where the hell you been all day?” he asks.

  I shrug. “Fishing.”

  His brows shoot up. “I went to the beach at noon. Empty chair, line in the water, cooler, but no Jack. I thought maybe you got a call from the hospital and took off to see Kaley and forgot to tell me goodbye.”

  I settle in the chair beside him.

  “No. Going down after everything calms down. I’m a great-grandfather, though. I got the text an hour ago.” I switch on my phone and show him the picture of Kaley and the baby. “Samuel Parker Rowan.”

  He smiles as he looks at the picture, but I can see that flash in his eyes caused by the baby’s name.

  “Congratulations, Jackie boy. A great-grandson and Kaley naming him Sammy. No words for that. You’re a lucky man, luck of the Irish. You’ve got a beautiful family.”

  Two daughters. Five grandchildren. One great-grandson.

  “Yep, I do.”

  Liam studies my face for a moment. “You doing all right, Jackie boy?”

  I nod. “Who would have thought we’d still be together all these years? Still friends. Still a band.”

  He laughs. “I knew that I wasn’t getting rid of you ever the first time I met you in that bar in Southie.”

  “Do you regret it?”

  “What?”

  “Me. The band. Our life. I don’t know. Everything?”

  “Fuck no. We’ve had one hell of a wild ride together. Dodged a bullet with ’Nam. Dodged a bullet with the booze. Definitely dodged a bullet with the women we’ve loved. Crazy times, Jack, but I’d do every fucking one of them again.” Still looking at me, he frowns. “What’s wrong with you today? You’ve got that look, Jackie. Like I need to talk you from a drink.”

  I shake my head. “No, not today, Liam. In fact, quite the opposite. A moment of clarity. But the good kind.”

  “Jack, what are you talking about?”

  “I need to make a phone call and make a date with a girl.”

  His eyes widen, brightening with comprehension. “It’s about fucking time.”

  “It’s past time, Liam. I should have listened to you ten years ago. You were right.”

  “I’m always right, Jackie boy. I thought you’d have figured it out before this.”

  I stand up and pat him on the shoulder. “You staying the night or are you cutting out?”

  He laughs and grabs his junk off the table beside him. “Going back to my place. Call me if you need to.”

  I nod—he was my sponsor and friend.

  I wait until he’s gone before I swipe open my phone and hit Linda’s number. I tap the speaker button and hold it facing me even though I didn’t select video call. I just want to look at the picture of her as we talk.

  Ring.

  Ring.

  “Hey, stranger, how are you doing?” she says lightly, affectionately and not at all surprised I called her today.

  Cell phones and caller ID—ruining a man’s game.

  It would have been nice to surprise her.

  I sink back into my chair. “Quite a day, huh?”

  “Quite a day, Jack. You should have been here. I feel awful that you stayed away because of me—”

  “I didn’t stay away because of you,” I say quickly, leaning forward in my chair. “I stayed away because of me.”

  The silence is too long between us.

  Fuck, maybe she took that wrong.

  “Emotional triggers, Linda. Remember?”

  “You hanging in there, Jack?”

  “I’m good. Real good. Are you doing OK, baby?”

  Linda laughs. “Great, actually. Even knowing I’m a grandmother now.”

  We both laugh.

  The laughter melts in me first.

  “Linda, there’s a couple things I need to say today. I’ve spent most of the day thinking—”

  “Jack—”

  “You’re not stopping me,” I interrupt, frustrated. “Not this time, Linda. This time I talk and you listen.”

  A loud exhale comes through the receiver. Oh fuck, I’ve gotten her angry.

  “Please, Linda, don’t you think it’s time for me to say a few things?”

  “I’m willing to listen if you’re willing to talk.”

  My lids shut tightly as my memories carry me back to the argument in the field our first affair together. I’m willing to listen if you’re willing to talk, I’d told Linda when she’d been too ashamed to face me with the truth of why she’d bothered with her drunken beach bum, and it had worked out pretty damn OK.

  “I’m listening, Jack,” she whispers huskily.

  I take a moment to compose myself. I want to do this right, but it feels like my heart is about to explode and I just want to cry and be through this.

  “I’ve loved you, Linda, every moment of every day since I first laid eyes on you,” I say. “I know you didn’t believe it then or when we were together since I didn’t do a very good job at being clear about that, and I don’t know if you believe it now, but you have been the first priority of my heart always and you still are.”

  A rough emotion sounds like it’s being cleared from her throat.

  “On the beach the evening you told me you were pregnant—”

  “No, Jack, I don’t want to talk about that—”

  “Well, I do, and remember this round you’re only listening.”

  I wait for a moment then hear a short laugh, an exasperated purr.

  “Can I go on?” I ask, but I’m smiling. I know this woman well.

  “Go on.”

  “I’ve been replaying that hour between us and a whole lot of others through my head all day. I didn’t handle it well and I’m
sure you thought I was an ass. I should have listened and not talked. I think it would have worked out better that way because, fuck, I know I said things wrong and you heard them wrong. Not the way I intended them or what I thought and felt. I was blown away you were pregnant, and all I wanted was for us to finally be together always.”

  “Bullshit,” she shot back, electric with anger. “You remember it wrong. You don’t need to rewrite history with me, not now.”

  “No, I’m not doing anything of the sort. I’m remembering what I tried to do, what I wanted for us, and regrettably you remember what I said and did.”

  Another pause.

  “Aha. Fine. So why are you telling me this? Why now after ten years?”

  “Because I love you and whatever this is we’ve been doing, it stops now, Linda.”

  Nothing.

  No response.

  Stubborn woman.

  “Do you hear me, baby? It stops now.”

  A ragged breath. “Fine. It stops.”

  I curl around the phone, willing my emotions calm. “Linda. I’m not going to tell you that you were right to walk away and do the things you did. You weren’t and we both know it, and we both know it isn’t what we wanted. I’m also not going to tell you you were wrong because the only one wrong that day was me. What I am going to tell you is I’m sorry. It’s long overdue. And I’m not staying on the phone long enough to hear you answer me this time, because I don’t want to have to hear it before I know it’s true. Do you understand, baby?”

  My gut churns as I wait for her to answer.

  “No, Jack. Not really. But if I understood you, you wouldn’t be you.”

  Always a wisecrack.

  I sniff back a tear and a laugh.

  “I miss you, Linda.”

  “I miss you, too.”

  “I know it’s crazy down there. I know it’s where you think you’re needed. But isn’t it past time for us both to be where we need to be for each other? Baby, I need you. Come to Santa Barbara, Linda. And bring Madison, sweetheart.”

  Silence.

  Fuck.

  My heart races so quickly it’s painful.

  “Do you understand what I’m saying?” I whisper.

  “I think so.”

  “I love you, Linda. However you want it, that’s how it’ll be. Just come home and bring our daughter.”