Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  As a family, they had indeed experienced much difficulty, pain and long struggles, complete with sleepless nights and worry. Yet she and her sons maintained a strong belief in God, in His mercy and in His goodness.

  There were many nights she had cried and cried, not knowing how she was going to provide for them. She remembered the days of food stamps and welfare, of standing in line for government assistance on her utility bill, of ducking and dodging creditors. Now God had delivered her, delivered them, from it all. He had truly poured out blessing upon blessing on their lives. Clarye never failed to teach them to always be thankful and to never let go of their faith.

  “We’ve had some rough days and nights,” she had told Ada more than once. “But I believe it’s been worth the struggle.”

  Clarye had arrived. Because of God’s blessings, she was making it in a world full of evil, crookedness and deceit.

  EJ’s party went over well. He got loads and loads of presents. Eric had gotten him the red, Schwinn bicycle he had been praying to God for every night. Jeremy bought him a new pair of those overpriced tennis shoes that EJ had spotted in a catalog, along with the matching jersey and pants. Clarye brought him a leather, burgundy Bible with his name engraved on the front and a fourteen karat gold chain with a cross hanging from it. They had clowns and a live DJ at the party. Ada came by and helped Clarye serve the food. Trisha came over with an arm full of presents and a helping hand.

  During the birthday party, Clarye confided in Ada about Gavin. She told her all the things that she was feeling and how she really tried to play hardball with him.

  Ada was thrilled to hear about Gavin. “Clarye, you may have stumbled on a live one, girl. From the way you’ve described him, I think I’ve seen him before when I’ve gone in that store. I guess all of the EZ Shopper grocery stores are owned by him. I knew they were black owned, but I didn’t know the owner’s name.”

  “Well, now you know,” said Clarye and started giggling.

  “He has to be banked too,” added Ada.

  “I’m sure he is. Look at all the stores he has. But, girl, I can’t get caught up with anybody else.” Clarye told her. “I’ve said “I do” three times and each time I fell lower than before. I just can’t do it. After all, a man as fine, and loaded as he is has to be a playa or have a steady woman somewhere.”

  “Girl, it’s time for you to step out,” Ada chimed in quickly. “You’re doing well for yourself in everything but the man department. It’s time for you to take the risk. Sure, you’ve not had much success. No, I take that back. You haven’t had any success in relationships but that’s even more reason for me to believe that this just might be the one. How are you going to know if you don’t take the chance?”

  Clarye said nothing. She couldn’t say anything. She was too frightened of what she was feeling. She was afraid that her secret friend, Pain, would quickly return if she gave in to her emotions. That was something she just couldn’t allow to happen. She had fought too long to get Pain out of her life and she refused to open the door for it again.

  “Anyway,” Clarye said to Ada, “He probably isn’t going to call anyway. I bet he threw my number away as soon as he saw me disappear from the parking lot. Like I said, he’s probably just a playa anyway.”

  “Okay, stubborn woman, but he’s going to call. You’re gorgeous, Clarye. The man would be a fool to let you slip through his fingers.”

  “Spoken like a best friend, Ada.”

  “I’m telling you what God loves, girlfriend – the truth.” Ada and Clarye laughed.

  Clarye prayed that Ada was right.

  CHAPTER 11

  Clarye and Ada sat back lazily in the sunroom. Clarye took a swallow of lemon iced tea. The party was over and her feet hurt something awful. Eric, EJ and Jeremy had helped to clean up and then decided they would go out on the basketball court Clarye had built for them on her 17 acre lot. She had also built two, four bedroom homes on her luscious green land; one for Eric and EJ and one for Jeremy, although EJ stayed with her most of the time in the main house, as they called it.

  “Do you think Gavin is really going to call?” Clarye asked Ada.

  “Of course he’s going to call,” Ada said. The question I have for you is, “Are you going to answer the call, girl? If you know what I mean.”

  “Ada, I’m scared. You know I just can’t take a chance of screwing up my life again. I mean, look at me, Ada. I’m a successful writer, a grandmother. I have two brilliant sons. I’m finally making a huge salary doing what I have always wanted to do. I just don’t want to mess things up, Ada. You know that five year relationship I had with Carlton was the closest I’ve come to knowing about love.”

  “Clarye, let me remind you of some things, girlfriend,” Ada butted in immediately. Carlton was a single man when you met him and what did he do to you? Do you remember, Clarye? Well, let me refresh your memory. He went and got married one year after your relationship started. Not only that Clarye, you continued to see him, to say that he loved you and all of that crap. You wasted five years of your life, Clarye with a man who took you for a ride. He was no better than the rest of the bums you’ve had in your life. He was just disguised as a doctor, splashed a few gifts on you every now and then and you thought he was “the one.”

  “Oh, Ada.” Clarye said, “You still have to admit, that he was really a nice fellow. He kept my mind from expecting too much since he was married. He was a safe, fail proof relationship.”

  “Oh, yeah, sure, fool yourself. Then you tried to justify the relationship, knowing full well that you were sinning big time. But you never have and never will be able to pull the wool over these here eyes, girl, let alone the Lawd Almighty. Naw, you sure as heaven can’t fool Him. But I can say this much; and that is that I was glad when you woke up, even though it took you five years to do it. And maybe he didn’t physically or verbally abuse you like the others, Clarye, but he was still abusive because he took you for granted. You helped him build up his practice, turned his life around, put him on the map, so to speak, by getting him chosen for several prestigious physician awards, and after all of that, what did he do, Clarye? Nothing but come and see you once, maybe twice a month. When you started working for him, helping him out at the office, why, he came to see you even less. Why, girl, he even began to just have you right there in his office so he wouldn’t have to come to see you at your place. Now you want to sit here and try to convince me, no convince yourself, that he was Mr. Nice Guy. I don’t think so, Clarye. He was just another user and abuser, girlfriend, a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

  Remember when he bought you that diamond ring? Shoots, Clarye, you had to go and pick it out for yourself. He just gave you the money and told you to go and get it. What a bum. Then, what did a diamond ring mean anyway? You wore that ring like you were really the one, girl. Shoot, all the time he was going home to his precious wife and big fancy house, taking her own cruises, buying her furs and cars and all that stuff. Child, he only spent eight hundred dollars for that ring anyway. That wasn’t even a drop in the bucket for him. So wake up, Clarye. It’s your turn now. You surely can’t mess up any more than you already have. So see what Gavin is all about. You’re breaking the man down before you even give him a chance. If you gave all those other low lifers a chance in your life, what the heck, go for this one. He might just turn out to be your so called “knight in shining armor.” God knows you’ve been searching for one long enough.”

  Clarye loved Ada. She had been Clarye’s best friend since junior high and had stuck by her through thick and thin. Many a night Ada was the one who talked her out of her deep bouts with depression and suicidal thoughts. Ada was there in the good and the bad times.

  Clarye was happy that she could return some of the love by making Ada her personal assistant. Ada was doing well for herself because of Clarye’s generosity towards her. Clarye knew that everything Ada said was right. She could always count on her to tell her the truth and not just what she wanted to h
ear.

  “If he calls, I’ll see what he talks like and go from there,” Clarye said. “Come on, Ada. Let’s jump in the Jacuzzi, girl and relax a bit.”

  “Naw, I’m going on to the house,” said Ada. “If I get into the Jacuzzi now, I’m going to be here for the night and I really had no plans of staying over tonight.”

  Ada had her own bedroom at Clarye’s. She stayed over many nights.

  “Come on, Ada," Clarye pleaded. “You don’t have to go home tonight. Anyway, I want you here in case Gavin calls and I start to panic. You know I need you, girl, to help me walk through this one.”

  “Shoot, woman, you’re getting on my last nerves,” said Ada. “But okay, let’s get into the Jacuzzi and after that I’m going to crash. You’ll just have to wake me up if he calls.”

  “You have a deal,” said Clarye. “Thanks, Ada.”

  “Yeah, girl, anytime. That’s what friends are for.”

  Ada did just as she said. She went straight to her bedroom after they climbed out of the Jacuzzi. Clarye went into her bedroom and climbed out of her bathing suit. She ran a nice, cool bath for herself, sipping again on another tall glass of iced tea. While she relaxed in the tub, Clarye continued to think of how she made it to this point in her life.

  CHAPTER 12

  Clarye could not rid herself of the questions that saturated her mind about where the relationship between she and Gavin was actually heading. Even before she received that first phone call from Gavin, she had become terrified of screwing her life up yet again.

  “Lord, help me; help me not to make another tragic mistake,” she cried out to God.

  She had fallen into a twilight sleep when she heard the phone ring. When she turned over to grab it, she saw the number on her caller id. The name read, Gavin Elliston. Clarye’s heart began to flutter wildly and her eyes lit up like bright stars in the sky. She reached over to grab the phone, hoping Gavin did not detect the excitement in her voice.

  The deep, sexy voice on the other end of the phone said, “Hello, may I please speak with Clarye?”

  Clarye answered, shyly, her face flushed, “This is Clarye you’re speaking with.”

  “Hi, Shorty,” he said with a hint of laughter in his voice.

  Oh, my God, he sounds so sexy over the phone.

  “Didn’t I tell you my name is not Shorty.” Clarye didn’t want to admit it just yet, but she found his nickname for her rather cute.

  “Were you busy?”

  “Not really. I was just relaxing.”

  “Well, how did the birthday party turn out for your grandson?”

  “Everything turned out perfect. Thanks for asking.”

  “So, tell me, how do you spend your time everyday?” Clarye was at a loss for words when she realized Gavin had no idea that she was a well known writer.

  “I’m a writer,” she said rather proudly.

  Surprise was in his voice when he repeated, “A writer? What kind of books do you write? The kind where the woman is always bashing up on men?”

  “I beg your pardon? Why would you put me in that category?”

  “Whoa, wait a minute, Shorty. Don’t get offended. It’s just that most of the women writers I hear about do just that. Down a brother, you know.”

  “Well, I’m not most women and I’m not most writers either. Actually I’m a romanticist. I do believe in love in spite of the fact that I’ve yet to experience it myself. I guess my lack of experience in love has made me rather naïve. I don’t write X rated stuff. I just write about how love should be in my eyes.”

  “And?” he said, pausing.

  “And what?” she asked, waiting for his reply.

  “How should love be in your eyes, Shorty? Tell me.”

  “Well, not that it’s any of your business. But I believe love should be just like it says in the Bible. Love is unselfish, kind, giving, and self sacrificing. I believe that a man should be the head of his household and that his wife and family should come before anything else other than God. I believe that his woman should be able to depend on him and vice versa. He should be able to depend on her. There should be passion, of course. But you can’t always depend on passion or expect passion to make your relationship work out. But how would I know. I just write out my fantasy idea of love. Like I said, I’ve yet to experience this kind of love.”

  “So you do believe your knight in shining armor is still out there somewhere?” Clarye heard the sincerity in his voice. She really didn’t know how to respond. She couldn’t believe she was even opening up to him as much as she already had. She only knew that there was indeed something different about this man. Just talking to him made her feel warmth throughout her soul. She felt comfortable. She felt as if she had finally found “home.”

  Without answering his question, she said, “Tell me about you, Gavin. How did you wind up in the grocery business?”

  “Well, let’s see. I’ve been in the grocery business most of my life. My first job was as a stock clerk in a corner store in my old neighborhood in South Memphis. I loved the business so much that I decided that this was what I wanted to do. I must admit that I got off track for a while.”

  “What do you mean, got off track?” she asked with curiosity.

  “Well, after I got out of high school, I got this girl pregnant. We were married when we were eighteen years old. I think we stayed together for about three months. When my daughter was about three years old, I moved out of the city. I wanted to get away from everything and everybody. I was all mixed up. I was confused about my life and my destiny. I was hustling and hanging around in the streets, doing much of nothing really. I ended up hanging around a bunch of no gooders. They tried to rob a store and I was going along with ‘em. Trying to be part of the in crowd. You know, trying to be some kinda macho, macho man. Anyway, I got caught and spent some time in the slammer.”

  Clarye felt her heart sink. Oh my God, my dreams are about to burst. I should have known he was too good to be true. Why is it that I always attract the ex-cons, the abusers and misusers? Am I really that pitiful, stupid and desperate looking? But she continued to listen.

  Gavin continued talking with ease. “When I got out of that place, I made a promise to myself and to my mother that I was not going to travel down that road again. I moved to Texas and worked in a few grocery stores. I realized that was my niche in life. That is what I wanted; my own business. To tell you the truth, I prayed and asked God to help me and to forgive me for my past mistakes. I didn’t have any real money, only meager savings. I went to my mother because she was the one woman, the only person as a matter of fact, who never stopped believing in me. Without a moment’s hesitation, she told me to come home and that’s what I did. When I got back here, she helped me with financing and I brought my first business. You know what the funny thing about it is, Clarye?”

  “What’s that?” she said, noticing that he had called her Clarye for the first time since the start of their conversation.

  “It was that same little corner grocery I had worked in as a teenager. When I took over ownership of the store, business began to boom. From there I was able to purchase my first large full service grocery store. The rest is history. I’ve just been blessed. That’s the bottom line. It wasn’t because I was so brilliant, or had lots of cash, or anything like that. It was because God saw fit to bless me in that manner. My mom always taught me to put God first in whatever I did in life. She said if I did that, then everything would be fine one way or the other. You know what, my mother was right. After all, you’ve come into my life.”

  Clarye could not say a word. She only knew that this man was sincere in what he was saying. She also felt something stranger but comforting stirring within. She didn’t want to give it a name just yet. How could she. After all, Clarye Dawson only wrote about love.

  CHAPTER 13

  Early the next morning, Clarye rushed into Ada’s room. She couldn’t wait to tell her all about the phone call from Gavin.

  “Ada,
you won’t believe it, girl.”

  Ada turned over, mumbling something about, “Girl, what time is it?” Clarye acted like she didn’t hear a word Ada was saying. She gently tugged on her friend’s soft, blue, satin gown.

  “Wake up, Ada. You’ve got to hear everything. He called. Gavin actually called.”

  “Girl, don’t be pulling on my gown,” Ada answered with sleep ringing in her voice. ‘You know how much this thing cost?”

  “Oh, who cares about the cost? Remember, we can afford hundreds of these old things. Now just sit up and listen.”

  While Clarye rambled on and on, filling Ada in on every detail. Ada could feel and hear the excitement of love in her best friend’s voice. Clarye told her everything.

  “Girl, just go for it.” Ada replied. Ada made everything seem so simple. She was twice divorced herself. She was still hung up on her second husband who was just a hustler in the street. He had left Ada and her two children several years ago. Somehow Ada could not, would not give up on him. She believed that one day they would be back together again. She believed that one day God would restore their relationship, fix James up, and bring him back home to the loving, waiting arms of his wife. Clarye hoped that she was indeed right. She wanted so much for Ada to be happy. After all, one of them certainly should.

  “Clarye, listen to me,” Ada said, in her I know what I’m talking about voice. “Don’t dwell on his past mistakes. After all, look at yourself in the mirror. You’re really not one to talk. Maybe you haven’t spent a stint in a jail cell but you’ve certainly lived in your own private prison. Do I need to remind you that your choices in the past have not been anything to write about? Oh, no, I take that back. You should write a book about your past. That’ll run a ring around anything you’ve ever written. You’re talking about a bestseller, girl you just don’t know. What about the male stripper, the drug dealer, the crack head, just to name a few of your “special” choices. Should I continue? Clarye, all I’m saying to you girl is to stop holding back. Stop dwelling on someone else’s past mistakes and failures. Girl, stop dwelling on even your own. Instead just pray about the possibility of a relationship with this man.”