Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  “Okay, okay, Ada. You don’t have to remind me. You’ve made your point. Who am I to pass judgment? After all there’s been Gary, Michael, Edward, Shawn and, oh, I don’t want to even think about it. As usual, you’re right.” Clarye decided she would do just what Ada said. She had no idea, however, that Ada had given her the best advice she ever would.

  Clarye and Eric had to fly to New York to meet with her publisher about her latest novel that was in the works. They would be gone a couple of days. Clarye promised Gavin she would call him when she came back into town.

  On the plane, in the hotel room, during her meeting, when she went to pee, when she came from peeing, no matter where she was or what she was doing, she found herself thinking about Gavin. Clarye wanted to call him desperately, to hear his tantalizing voice, but she continued to make excuses to herself why she shouldn’t.

  Clarye kept pacing back and forth pass the telephone when she got back home from New York. “Should I call him? No. I shouldn’t call him. Or should I? No, I won’t call him.” She wrestled with herself over and over again. Finally she told herself, “I am not going to call him. I refuse to play the fool again. Forget Gavin,” she said. Who was she fooling?

  A week had gone by since her return and she still had not talked to Gavin. She began to feel her defenses rising. I can’t believe he hasn’t called me. After all, anything could have happened. He surely can’t say he knows the reason I haven’t called because he hasn’t called me to find out. She wouldn’t admit to herself that she was making excuses for not keeping her word to him. Instead, she placed all the blame on him.

  The fact of the matter was that Clarye was terrified of what she was getting herself into with Gavin Elliston. She was afraid that Pain would move back into her life. She decided that a relationship with this man was doomed for failure anyway. After all, what was to make her think any differently.

  “This is God’s way of telling me that it isn’t going to work in the first place,” she tried to convince herself.

  She and EJ were on their way home from church when EJ asked if he could stop by the store to get him some hot Cheetos, one of his favorite snacks. Clarye must have passed five or six convenience stores. Somehow though, she found herself pulling into EZ Shopper. She told herself that she wasn’t expecting to see Gavin. After all, she was just doing what any mom would do, stopping to pick up something for her child.

  “Who am I fooling? Myself again? He probably isn’t here anyway,” Clarye said.

  “Who are you talking to, Momma?” EJ asked, with a look of innocent wonderment on his handsome, little face.

  “No one, honey. I was just thinking out loud,” she said. Clarye and EJ walked into the store.

  She pretended that she was not searching for some sign of his presence, when she heard a voice behind her ask tenderly, “Why didn’t you call me like you said, Miss Lady?” She suddenly felt like she was going to pass out right then and there as she slowly turned to gaze into those magnetic eyes of his.

  He is so doggoned fine. He was dressed in taupe, silk pants that flowed the length of his long legs with such grace. His silk shirt was taupe with tiny pinstripes of charcoal brown coursing through it. It had, what Clarye called, one of those round clergy type collars. His jacket was the same charcoal brown like the pinstripes through his shirt. The clothes fit his body so well that Clarye knew that his outfit was tailor made. His alligator, taupe and charcoal Armani shoes were to die for. This man was clean from head to toe, smelling good, looking good. “Oooh weee, Lawdy, Lawd, he’s so fine.” Her heart was racing a thousand beats a minute as she breathed in slowly the scent of his cologne. She quickly used the excuse that she had been unusually busy and working such long hours that she just didn’t have the time to call him.

  “Clarye, what happened? I really was expecting to receive a phone call from you. You promised, remember?” Before Clarye could respond Gavin said, “Since you refuse to call me, I’ll just have to call you.”

  Clarye’s heart was pounding ever so loudly that she wondered if he could hear it. She tried telling herself to get a grip but there was no grip to be gotten. She had lost this battle with herself.

  “Well, who’s this young man escorting you this afternoon? Gavin asked.

  “This is my grandson, EJ. EJ this is Mr. Gavin Elliston. He owns this store and several more EZ Shoppers.”

  “Hi,” said EJ, with very little interest in his voice. “Where do you keep your hot Cheetos?”

  “Come on. I’ll show you personally,” Gavin answered. “How many bags do you want?”

  “I don’t know, maybe two or three. But I have to see how much money I have first, okay?” EJ dug deep into his pockets.

  “Okay. Hey are you the young man who just had a birthday?” Gavin asked him as they walked down the long aisles of the huge grocery store. Clarye listened intently to their conversation as she walked beside the two of them.

  EJ’s eyes lit up when his birthday was mentioned. “Yes, and I had a birthday party. How did you know about it? My Momma must have told you.”

  “Yeah, she sure did. She also told me that you’re dynamite on the basketball court. You and I have to go one on one. What do you say about that, EJ? Don’t worry; I won’t beat you the first time.”

  Hearing Gavin talk about basketball and playing one on one really seemed to excite EJ. Basketball was a passion for him. He had played on several basketball teams since he was four years old and he was really good at it.

  “Man, you don’t have to talk about beating me. I’m going to show you what I can do. You’re going to run crying to my momma ‘cause I beat you so bad,” EJ said as he and Gavin both let out a big laugh.

  Clarye felt Gavin’s hand going around her waist easily, while he and EJ continued their conversation about who was going to win. She didn’t try to move it away. In fact, it felt good. The three of them walking down the aisle made her feel that everything was perfect. It used to make Clarye feel uncomfortable when a man tried to hold her around her waist while she was walking. She usually felt awkward and off balance because of her braces and crutches which seemed to always get in the way. This time, though, his arm around her made her feel a strange sense of security, comfortable. It felt good and it felt right.

  EJ picked up two bags of hot Cheetos and they headed back to the front of the store to the checkout counter. Just like he did when Clarye came in for the ice cream a few weeks ago, Gavin told EJ that the hot Cheetos were on him this time. He added, “You’re going to need more than hot Cheetos when I beat you in basketball, EJ.”

  EJ responded, “I don’t think so, Mr. Elliston.”

  Clarye thanked Gavin and they headed for the doorway. As they were walking outside, EJ turned to look up at Gavin and asked, “When are you going to come over to our house so we can shoot some hoops?”

  Clarye looked as eager to hear his response as EJ.

  “I believe that’s up to this woman right here,” he said and looked at Clarye with a raised eyebrow. When she says it okay, then I’ll be there.”

  Clarye said in her timid voice, “We’ll talk later, Gavin.”

  “Not if I depend on you, we won’t, Clarye.” Clarye must have turned two shades of red with embarrassment.

  “Don’t worry, Shorty,” Gavin said. I won’t put you on the spot like that right now. I’ll call you later tonight.” He bent down and kissed her gently and innocently on her cheek.

  She mumbled a weak, “Okay.” That’s all she could do. Her body was doing it’s own thing, feeling it’s own emotions of desire that she hadn’t ever remembered feeling in any of her past relationships.

  Gavin called her later that Sunday evening. Much to Clarye’s surprise, they talked about or rather he talked about God while reminding her once more that in everything, they should put God first

  “Even when it comes to relationships,” he said, which was an area Clarye had done just the opposite. “See, I believe that one of the major keys to making a relationsh
ip work and last is in praying together and praying about everything.” Gavin amazed her further when he asked her if she and EJ would like to come and visit with him at his church.

  “We’re having midweek service Wednesday evening at six o’clock. I’d like you to go with me.”

  There had never in any of her marriages or relationships been a time when she been invited to church. All of this was definitely new to her because she was not used to having a man talk to her about God, let alone about putting God first. It had mostly been the other way around, with her being the one trying to instill some morals and values. Oh sure, she had tried to talk to them about the goodness of God, and about believing in Him and accepting Him but they never listened. She always believed in praying and asking God for things she desired. Why, she had even remembered how she used to pray for God to send her a man. But it had never worked for her in the past so she had long since stopped praying about that.

  Clarye told him that she would think about his invitation and let him know in a day or two. She didn’t know what to do. She felt her self consciousness rise within her. She could see the people at his church staring at her, looking at her limp, her crutches, her braces, and deformed legs. In her overactive imagination, she could see children pointing at her, whispering about her.

  “Would there be steps? If so, how will I get up the steps? Will his family be there?” A thousand and one questions played in her mind.

  She remembered Gavin had told her that his mother and stepfather attended the same church as he did.

  “What will they think about their only son bringing a crippled woman to church with him?” All kinds of troubling thoughts continued to race through Clarye’s mind.

  “What was she going to do? What would be her reply? She knew she wanted to go with him desperately. But could she do it? Could she?

  “What will Eric and Jeremy say? What are they going to think when I tell him that this man I met in the grocery store wants me to go to church with him?” This was all so new to her, so baffling to her. She decided to tell Eric and Jeremy before EJ could get to them.

  “When they come up to the house after church, I’ll tell them during dinner.”

  Thelma, her cook, had prepared fried chicken, turnip greens, fried corn, hot water cornbread, fresh tomatoes, boiled okra and she had made a double chocolate fudge cake for dessert.

  Clarye inhaled the tempting aroma of food wafting throughout the corridors of the house. She went into the kitchen.

  “Thelma, everything smells so good. The table looks good too.” As usual, Thelma had the table set for a queen. It was covered with a white linen tablecloth. The silverware and dishes were midnight blue. The napkins were white and midnight blue and the glasses were sparkling, clear crystal. They were already filled with Clarye’s favorite beverage of iced tea.

  “Have you seen Eric and Jeremy?” Clarye asked Thelma

  “No, but Jeremy called. He said we should expect them in about thirty minutes or so. EJ is at Eric’s. He’s coming back up with them. “

  “Thanks, Thelma. I’m going to go out in the sunroom until they get up here.”

  “All right. When I finish with this, I guess I’ll be leaving unless you need something else. “

  “No, No. You go on, Thelma. As a matter of fact, you can leave now if you’d like. We can take care of everything else. I appreciate you so much. You are indeed a lifesaver.”

  “Well, since you insist, I’ll get ready to get on out of here. I’ll see you in the morning. Have a good evening. Oh, and Clarye, everything is going to work out for you. I feel it in my spirit. Good things are about to happen.” Thelma turned and walked away.

  Clarye sat down in her easy chair in the sunroom. “What is she talking about? Whatever it is I sure hope she’s right,” Clarye said.

  Clarye heard her sons as they entered. “What’s for dinner? We’re hungry.“

  “Yeah,” said EJ following suit. “We’re real hungry.”

  Clarye still thought of them as her little boys, her babies. They were always good kids. Eric had really turned out to be an excellent agent. He had learned the publishing business inside out and had been responsible for the huge advances Clarye received on her books.

  Jeremy was not only a successful in making people laugh; he was also the head nurse at the largest hospital in Memphis. He loved taking care of people. They really didn’t have to work if they didn’t want to. Not since Clarye’s writing career had soared.

  The three of them had seen some tough times. Clarye was especially grateful that EJ would never have to see the not so good times. They were financially set for life. That made Clarye proud and most of all thankful to God for his bountiful blessings on their lives.

  While they sat around the table gobbling down the delicious meal, Clarye started telling them about Gavin and how she had met him. She even let EJ tell about the basketball conservation between him and Gavin. She knew that this was going to be tough with Eric and Jeremy.

  They listened, still never missing a bite of the delicious food Thelma had prepared. When Clarye finished, she waited on a response. There was silence. Clarye expected them to be apprehensive about hearing her say that she wanted to start a relationship with Gavin. After all, they had seen the pain, hurt and loss their mother suffered at the hands of abusive, evil, self seeking men. They were determined not to go through that again nor were they going to allow her to experience such pain and hurt again.

  Jeremy finally spoke up. “Mom, I want you to be happy, but please just take things slow. Me and Eric don’t want Gavin or any other man to invade in your already peaceful life.”

  “Yeah,” added Eric. “It’s been too hard to get to this point. Now we’re in a good place, and you’re happy and doing well for yourself.”

  “You’re both right,” Clarye said and took a bite of food.

  “But,” Jeremy added. “I guess there’s nothing wrong with accepting his invitation.”

  “But we would like to meet him and see what he’s all about,” Eric said.

  “Oh, great. That’s fine,” said Clarye with relief. But then she felt fear welling up inside her. Fear of how they would react to Gavin when they met him in person. Fear of if they didn’t see in him what she saw in him.

  The following morning as Clarye turned over in her bed, her mind immediately fell on Gavin. She got up and fixed her some coffee. The house was quiet. Ada had left a few days ago. EJ was down at Eric’s house and all was serene, and quite peaceful. Clarye loved these quiet times. This was when she did her best writing. This is when the thoughts would just flow. She sat in the monster sized kitchen, filled with its colorful roses and breathed in the heavenly aroma the roses emitted.

  Every morning without fail, the gardener made sure Clarye had fresh cut roses in the kitchen. Streaked rays of sunshine shone through the bay window of the kitchen. She could see that it was going to be another brisk but beautiful day. She reached for the phone to call Eric to see if he had gotten EJ up and ready for school.

  “Hello,” the little voice said.”

  “Hi, sweetie,” Clarye said with a little sleep still ringing in her voice. “How are you this morning?”

  “I’m fine, Momma,” EJ said wide awake.

  “Are you ready for school yet?”

  “Yep, and my daddy is getting ready to take me now. I already ate my breakfast too, Momma. I have to go so I won’t be late for school.”

  “Okay, sweetheart. Have a good day. I love you.”

  “ Bye.”

  “Bye, EJ.”

  Clarye sat back, relaxing, sipping on her coffee. Roc, the family dog, came up beside her, nudging her with his cold nose.

  “You wanna go outside, big fella?” Clarye always had kids and pets in her house for as long as she could remember. Roc was a four year old 100 pound, full-blooded Weimaraner. He spent his days between all three of their houses and roaming over the acres of lush, manicured green lawn.

  Her thoughts returned to
Gavin and his invitation. As if reading her mind, the phone rang. She glanced at the caller id. It was Gavin.

  “Hello, sleepy head,” the voice on the other end said.

  “I’ll have you to know that I have had my coffee, let the dog out and now I am getting ready to start on my second cup of coffee, so I’m a long way from being asleep.” She laughed.

  “What are your plans for the day? Do you think you can pencil me in somewhere in your busy schedule? I was thinking that we could have lunch.” How bout it?”

  “Lunch, well, uh, I guess so,” Clarye said nervously.

  “Great, What about one o’clock. How’s that?” Gavin asked with excitement in his voice.

  “One is fine. Oh, oh wait a minute,” Clarye said. “Where are you talking about having lunch?” The self consciousness thing had quickly wielded its ugly head again. “Are you talking about picking me up? Do you want me to meet you? I mean what are you talking about,” Clarye rattled on and on with question after question.

  “Slow down, Shorty. I know a nice little barbecue restaurant out east. Do you like barbecue?”

  “Yes, I love barbecue. As a matter of fact, I’ve been craving some good old, spicy barbecue for a while.”

  “Well, I tell you what, I’ll pick you up. Just give me the directions to your house. I’ll be there around 1:00. Okay?

  “Okay,” she said. “By the way, Gavin, what’s the name of the restaurant?”

  “It’s called Smitty’s. You know it’s out off east Mendenhall.”

  “Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of it. But, I’ve never been there before.”