Never Should Have Loved You

by Tierra Ashley

  We stood there for a few quick moments just enjoying being back in each other’s lives, before Lisa walked off to the file room. I sat back down at my desk determined to do some work and to check on the mess that Marcus had created with the bank accounts which caused the business credit and debit cards to decline. I figured it was time that I take the business off auto pilot and start getting my nose back in the pot so I could start making my transition to leave Marcus. I hadn’t even seen a lawyer yet, which was something that I had been meaning to do when I got some free time; but I had been using all my free time to be with Jerome. However, there was business that needed to be handled and I had a clear mind to do so.

  I got on the internet and went to Wells Fargo’s website to log into the company account, but my login credentials did not work.

  I tried again

  Invalid password

  I tried another business account

  Again…Invalid password

  “What the fuck?” I mumbled.

  I stared at Marcus’ computer across the room from me. Marcus was not in the office yet and I didn’t know if he was even going to come into the office at all, but if I was going to use his computer I would have to use it right away. I walked across the office and caught a glimpse of Sandra from the doorway, sitting at the front desk talking on the phone, before I sat down at Marcus’ desk. I knew for a fact Marcus could never remember shit. His memory was just as bad as his sex, so if he had underhandedly changed the passwords on the business bank account, he would either have it written down somewhere or have the password auto-filled using his Norton Anti-virus password saver.

  I pulled up the internet and logged onto Wells Fargo website

  Just as I expected…The username and password auto-filled

  I was logged into the business bank accounts

  And my heart dropped

  I about shitted on myself

  I scrolled through the recent transactions

  Scrolled and scrolled until I ran out of transactions

  Trying to see what the hell was going on with the expense account

  Trying to see why the expense account that should have four hundred grand in it

  Was negative thirty thousand dollars

  Trying to see why the Wells Fargo Business credit card was over the limit by ten grand

  Trying to understand HOW IN THE FUCK MY BUSINESS WAS BROKE…

  I hit the print button to start printing out the bank statements

  As it was printing I started looking at our payroll account

  Payroll was untouched…

  I looked at our general account and it had two hundred and fifty grand in it…

  …but it should’ve been more money in there

  I checked the transactions of our general account

  Marcus had been using the general account as the expense account…

  Which explained why the general account was so low

  …So where did all the money in the expense account go?

  Lastly I checked our investor account

  It had ten million in the account

  Which looked about right

  But that was not our company money so I wasn’t too concerned with it

  The bank statements finished printing and I logged off Marcus’ computer. I took the statements to my desk and pulled out my highlighter. The first thing I noticed was that the address on the bank statements did not match our business address, but I was quickly interrupted by the sound of Marcus greeting Sandra in the front. Shit! I hurried and stuffed the bank statements in an empty manila folder and shoved them in my desk drawer.

  Marcus walked in the office and gave me a dry ass good morning. I kept my nose down like I was too busy on my computer to hear him. Marcus set his things down on his desk and walked to the back toward the file room and the bathroom. After a few moments I could hear Lisa and Marcus chatting away in the back.

  I was so angry I didn’t even want to be in the office anymore. I was so mad you could see steam coming out of my ears. I wanted to leave work so I could analyze the bank statements free of distractions. As I was sitting in my thoughts, Marcus came from the back smiling.

  “Aye. You didn’t tell me Lisa was working here now.”

  “Yeah, she is here full time now,” I said in a mono tone not looking up from my computer. I couldn’t make eye contact with him because if I did, I envisioned myself leaping across the desk and stabbing him with the scissors that were on my desk.

  “That’s cool. Glad to see you two are back friends again.”

  “Yeah.”

  “What’s got your panties all in a bunch?”

  “Leave me alone, Marcus,” is all I could manage to say. My blood was boiling. I was doing my best to warn him of my impending rage that was about explode if he didn’t get the hell away from me.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s my handsome face that’s got you pissed,” he said grinning like he was some damn comedian.

  I balled up my fist

  Closed my eyes

  And tried my best to muthafuckin Woosah

  “Relax baby. I’ll go back to the silent treatment; was just letting you know that it’s good to have Lisa around. Maybe she will help you be more pleasant again,” Marcus said before he walked away to the front where Sandra was. After a few minutes I heard Marcus leave out.

  “Sandra!” I called. “Where did he go?” I asked her.

  “He said he was going to the apartment construction site for the day,” Sandra shouted back.

  Lisa came from the back asking me questions, but I could not hear her. My nerves were on one thousand and anything she said to me sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher was talking. Lisa shook me.

  “Naomi, you alright?” she said with her hand rested on my shoulder.

  “I’m leaving for the day. Anything you need to know Sandra can help you with,” I told her as I pulled out the manila folder with the bank statements and stuffed it in my purse.

  “Okay, but girl, you look like something terrible has happened. You want to talk about it?” Lisa asked looking worried.

  I stood up and put my hand on her shoulder the same as she had done me and said, “You know how before we fell out you said that you don’t like how when I get angry that I start saying mean things I can’t take back?” I asked Lisa.

  “Yeah,” she mumbled. The look of worry on her face was so real as if she had done something to me personally.

  “Well I’m angry right now. Not at you or anyone in particular. I just have a lot going on right now, so I don’t feel like talking. So, just stay out of my way so that we don’t fall out again,” I said being straight with her. I didn’t want to accidentally snap on her and she be the one to take the butt of my rage.

  “Okay, but I’m here for you,” Lisa said.

  “Just don’t discuss anything I say to you with anyone including Marcus,” I told her grabbing my purse and the rest of my things, heading towards the doorway. I turned around and said one last thing to Lisa before leaving,

  “And Lisa…I’m really glad you’re here girl, I missed you,” I told her.

  “I missed you too,” she said as I turned around and left out, telling Sandra to take messages for all of my calls for the rest of the day. I was headed to do some serious research on Marcus’ business dealings and to look into finding me a lawyer.

  Whitney

  Friday Morning

  “Oh, so now you want to talk to me?” I said with attitude to Jerome. I was outside on my fifteen minute break at work. I worked at Wells Fargo office building in the loan department. Everyone in Charlotte worked at Wells Fargo, but I hated it. I was on the phone listening to Jerome suggesting to meet up on my lunch break, but I was no fool. He was not about to show up at my job and give me a taste of my own medicine by embarrassing me. We could talk just fine over the phone.

  “Whit, you’re crossing the line. You say you don’t like me to disrespect you and I try my best not to, but you show up at my house u
nannounced, you fuck my car up and you running yo mouth to my family knowing I don’t fuck with them like that. You foul.”

  “Jerome please. Do you even know all the stress you have put me through? My fucking hair is falling out, I have gained twenty pounds and counting, and my skin is breaking out like crazy. You’re insensitive.”

  We were going back and forth, giving each other the list of reasons of why we were both upset; but I knew the real reason why we were both hurting was because we were not together.

  “But Whitney, this has been a long time coming. Stop acting like I just hit you out the blue with a break up. You signed the divorce papers just as well as I did, so stop acting like us not being together is breaking news.”

  “Jerome, I only signed the papers because you were being so mean to me, I just broke down and did it. I thought that’s what you wanted.”

  “It is what I wanted!!” Jerome was shouting now and hurting my feelings. My heart sunk down to my feet. He was hurting me so bad I was starting to become physically ill. Whoever said love hurts was not talking about just emotional pain, but physical pain as well, because my hands were shaking and I was sick to my stomach about to throw up.

  “I hate you so much Jerome. I swear I hate you. I’ll never forgive you for how you’re acting toward me. You’re going to need me one day and all this you doing right now, just remember it.”

  I was silently crying, steaming, hot tears on the side of my office building. I was feeling so weak, if someone nudged me I would faint. Hearing Jerome say he didn’t want to be with me was like death to my ears; but my heart, as crazy as it sounded…my heart kept telling me that he loved me.

  “Just let me come up to your job and see you on your lunch break,” Jerome said.

  “No. You’ve already upset me too much over the phone. I can’t deal with you, I can’t.”

  “Whitney—”

  I hung up on him.

  I was going to have to take a Jerome break if I was going to be able to hold it together for the sake of my sanity. Don’t call him no more…just let him go. They say if you love something let it go. If it comes back to you then it’s yours, if it doesn’t then it never was. I wasn’t sure if Jerome was mine, but I couldn’t sit around listening to him anymore telling me that he wasn’t, or I would surely snap…and the last thing I wanted to do was bring harm to the man I loved.

  I headed back into work toward my cubicle, and knew right away that I would not be able to finish the day in my current physical and mental condition. I walked right up to my manager, Ricky’s desk.

  “Ricky, I’m not feeling well at all. I just threw up in the bathroom. I need to go home for the day,” I said holding my belly. I wasn’t completely lying because my stomach was feeling queasy.

  “Sure, is there anything I can do?” Ricky said with wide eyes. He was a Spanish guy that I knew had a little crush on me, so I knew he wouldn’t have a problem letting me go home. Plus, I never took off work so it was not a regular occurrence for me.

  “No, but thanks. I just need to get to the bed and lay down,” I told him.

  I finished up with Ricky and went to my desk to grab my things. I headed out to my car to go home. When I pulled out of the parking lot, my phone started buzzing with an incoming call from Marcus. I had been calling and texting him all week about Jerome and he was just now getting back to me, in the moment I least wanted to talk about Jerome.

  “Hello,” I answered.

  “Hey sis. Sorry I’m just now calling you back. Things have been crazy with my business. How are things?”

  “Things are…well, you know. Things are not the best,” I said trying not to be too dramatic. I was sure he was tired of the tirade of text messages I had been sending him.

  “Yeah I know. I heard about the car incident. Why don’t we meet and have lunch and talk things over. Maybe it’ll make you feel better.”

  I was reluctant to take Marcus up on his offer of lunch to talk about Jerome, especially since I swore off talking about him. But I wasn’t going to do anything but go home and drink myself to sleep, so I guess lunch was a better idea.

  “That sounds good. Let’s meet within the hour.”

  “Cool, I’ll text you the restaurant’s address,” Marcus said.

  “Okay, see you soon.”

  We hung up the phone.

  I gathered my emotions so that I would not be a wreck by the time I met up with Marcus. He sent me the text of the address to the Fogo de Chao not far from where I was. Angry text messages from Jerome flooded my phone and I was swerving in and out of my lane trying to read them all.

  — I never thought you would do this to me

  — U acting like you the fuckin victim!

  — U been talking crazy about me to my moms!

  — My mom tho? Out of all people why would you talk to her!

  — U not my gotdamn wife no more. GET THAT THRU UR HEAD!

  I was so devastated. I just wanted to be done with the entire situation; pack my bags and not look back. Jerome was doing more than just hurting me, he was destroying me. I pulled into the Fogo de Chao restaurant parking lot and saw Marcus standing out front talking on his cell phone, dressed in a button up and dress pants. I got out of my car and fumbled to pull my shirt down that was now too small because of my growing waistline.

  I waved at Marcus who gave me a nod back and kept chatting away on his cell phone. I walked over to him and gave him a side hug, the type of hug you give to your brother-in-law, and he opened the door for me so we could walk inside. The aroma of beautiful food filled my nostrils, taking me on a temporary high away from my current problems. Marcus finally got off of his phone when the hostess greeted us and escorted us to our seats.

  “So what’s up sis?” Marcus said giving me a half smile.

  “Just maintaining.”

  “Yeah, I know how that is. I’m doing the same myself.”

  “Oh really? Anything going on with you?” I asked.

  “Let’s just say you not the only one having relationship problems,” Marcus said as he picked up the menu and started looking it over.

  “How is Naomi by the way?”

  “Naomi is Naomi. We don’t really talk much so I wouldn’t know.”

  “Ya’ll separated?”

  “I mean, if you could call it that. We’re still sleeping in the same bed, but we not intimate. We barely say hello.”

  “Wow, I’m sorry to hear that,” I said as the waiter came over and told us their specials and then took our drink orders.

  “Yeah, it is what it is. I don’t really care anymore. I’m kind of over it,” Marcus said shrugging his shoulders. It was relaxing that he was being so transparent with me. His revelation of his relationship problems was making me feel less crazy and more normal.

  “I guess I can stop feeling sorry for myself…we all have our share of problems,” I said.

  “Yeah, but you got Jerome problems. That’s a whole new set of problems. We’ve been having trouble with him for years. I’m surprised you went so long without any drama out of him.” Marcus said as the waiter came back with our drinks and took our food orders.

  “Tell me about it,” I said sipping my drink.

  “Me and moms was so glad when he went off to the military to give us a break from his shenanigans. Then when he came back and met you and was so chilled out and mature acting, we were relieved. Guess it’s only a matter of time before people revert back to their old ways,” Marcus said looking at his phone that was buzzing. I sipped my cold ice tea.

  “So what do I do? How do I get him back?” I asked.

  “You still want him back?” Marcus asked with a confused look on his face like I was tripping.

  “I mean yeah, I love him. Who else going to love him if I don’t?”

  Marcus laughed at me, but I was speaking from the heart. I was serious.

  “Well for starters, if you want him back, stop with the crazy antics because it’s only a matter of time before Jerome matches
your crazy. And I don’t know if you’ve seen his crazy, but I have and it’s nothing that you want to see,” Marcus explained. “Be nice to him. Jerome is a sucker for niceness. I’m sure that’s something you already know because you’re a really sweet girl and that’s probably the main reason you have lasted this long with him. Right now you’re angry and lashing out. I get it; but he is a spoiled brat. My mom ruined him as a kid and we both pay for it every single day with the loss of my father. So if you want Jerome back, be nice. I mean extremely nice.”

  “I don’t know if that will work, Marcus. I was thinking of just letting him go and then seeing if he came back to me.”

  “No, don’t do that. If you let him be alone, he won’t come back. He’s not that type of person.”

  “I’m not trying to kiss his ass, Marcus.”

  “I’m not saying kiss his ass, just be nice. Be creative. You know him better than anybody. You know what he likes, you know what makes him happy,” Marcus said as our hot steaks arrived and my saliva glands started watering. Marcus continued, “Anyways, I’m having a get together over my house tomorrow. Nothing fancy, but you should come. I’ll invite Jerome and you two can be cordial.”

  “Sounds cool. I would like that.”

  “Yeah, you family. You should come around more often,” Marcus said taking a bite into his medium rare steak. I smiled. I liked talking to him. He and Jerome didn’t look alike because Jerome was brown skinned and Marcus was dark skinned, but their eyes were the same. I found comfort in his eyes.

  “Oh, and don’t come over trying to WWE Jerome either. If you two start messing up my house, I’m kicking both ya’ll asses out!” We laughed in unison.

  “I’ll be on my best behavior,” I said throwing up my hands as if I were surrendering.