Further To Fall

by Catherine Cowles

  Carter smiled, oblivious to where my mind had gone. “No, I’ll be fine.”

  I checked my phone, it was already past 8 p.m. Damn, this felt like the longest day ever. I slumped into one of the kitchen barstools and massaged the back of my neck while I read over Carter’s discharge paperwork one more time, wanting to make sure I knew when to give her the next dose of pain meds.

  The sound of Carter’s door opening had me spinning around. Hell, she was wearing a pair of those super short girlie boxers and a long-sleeved shirt that hung off one shoulder. She was barefoot, and her toes were painted a bubblegum pink. My dick twitched. Shit. I coughed in an attempt to banish images of me ripping those tiny shorts from her body. “Why don’t you go climb into bed, and I’ll get you a glass of ice water. That might feel good on your throat.”

  Carter gave me a small smile. “Okay, thanks, and not just for the water. For being with me today and staying tonight.”

  I probably shouldn’t stay the night, but instead of making an excuse to leave, my dumb ass just said, “Of course.” After filling a glass, I followed Carter into her room. “Here you go.” I placed the glass of water on her nightstand and sat down on the side of her bed. I reached out and tentatively smoothed the skin around her abused throat. “I’m so fucking sorry this happened.”

  She shivered when my hand reached her pulse. “Stop saying that, it’s not your fault.”

  “I want to kill him.”

  “Please don’t. I would miss you if you went to jail.” A small smile touched my lips. “Can I ask you to do something for me?”

  “Anything.”

  “Will you just hold me for a little while?” I couldn’t answer. Carter looked up at me with those wide, innocent eyes. This was such a bad idea. She kept speaking. “It’s just that you make me feel safe.”

  How could I deny her when she said something like that? This girl could wield words the way a surgeon wielded a scalpel, cutting right to the quick. “You got it.” I made my way around her bed, slipped off my shoes, and crawled under the covers. I steeled myself, trying to remember my last fight or picture the men’s locker room, anything to keep my dick in check.

  As soon as I lay down, Carter shimmied over and laid the unbruised side of her face on my chest. Her “thank you” was muffled by my shirt. I gently squeezed her shoulders. She was quiet for long minutes, and I thought she had fallen asleep when her voice cut through the darkness. “I was so scared.”

  “Baby.”

  I didn’t know what else to say, but Carter kept talking. “I was so scared, but I just kept thinking about all the things I haven’t done yet that I want to experience. All the places I haven’t gone, all the people I would miss. It was seconds, but it felt like hours. I thought about you. And that’s when I fought.”

  Her words shredded me. “I’m so glad you fought, Firecracker.”

  Carter tilted her face up to mine, our lips a hair’s breadth apart. “I’m glad, too.” Her words brought a warm breeze across my face.

  I don’t know who crossed the distance, if it was her or me, but suddenly we were there. The kiss was soft, but it lit a fire in my gut that I had never experienced before. My tongue parted her lips, and I fought back a moan at my first taste of her. I wanted more, needed more. I wanted all of her. And that’s how I knew I had to stop. I forced myself to pull back, my lips buzzing with the undeniable and indescribable energy that was Carter and me.

  “Sleep,” I said, my voice rough with the desire that was pumping through my veins.

  “Okay,” she answered, her voice just a little bit shaky.

  Fuck, what had I done? I could blame the kiss on the heightened emotions of the day, but the truth was that I had been playing with fire for far too long. Before I knew it, Carter was out, but even the sound of her deep, even breaths couldn’t lull me to sleep, and it was hours before I finally nodded off.

  I awoke to a delectable backside pushed into my painful erection, and I groaned. My hand was resting on the smooth skin of Carter’s abdomen, dangerously close to dipping underneath her boxer shorts. Shit. I slowly rolled to my back and tried to slip my arm from beneath Carter’s neck.

  She shifted and started mumbling in her sleep, then I heard distinct words. “Don’t go Austin…love you.” I stilled, studying her face. Her eyes were closed, her breathing still deep. She was asleep. Meanwhile, my whole body had seized up. I was suddenly hot and slightly nauseous. I needed some distance to think.

  As carefully as possible, I crept from the bed and into her en suite bathroom where I splashed cold water on my face and stared at my reflection. I needed to get out of here. Reaching for my phone, I texted Liam as I swished some mouthwash around in my mouth. As I exited the bathroom, I froze. Carter was awake. I forced words to come out of my mouth, but they were stilted. “How are you feeling?”

  She rubbed sleep from her eyes, and her hair stuck up all over the place. “Better.”

  I slipped my phone into my pocket and my feet into my shoes. “I have to get to the gym, but Liam is going to check on you in a couple hours. He said to text him if you want him to bring you anything.”

  A small frown formed on Carter’s lips. “Okay. Are you all right?”

  I shuffled my feet. “Yeah, fine. Just running late.”

  “Okay, if you’re sure,” she said. Her head was quirked to the side in that adorable way that now only compounded my nausea.

  I backed towards her bedroom door. “I’ll text you later. Get some more rest.” I hauled ass from Carter’s apartment to my car, eager to get my ass to the gym to pound the shit out of something.

  16

  Carter

  Austin was freaking out. I could recognize the look of sheer panic in his eyes. I just wasn’t sure if the alarm spelled good or bad things for the future of my heart. I was hoping against hope that he was flipping out about the possible change in our circumstances and not freaking out about how he was going to tell me that kissing me felt like kissing a sister.

  I tried a shower to clear my head, but it was no help. Cautiously, I slipped on my most comfortable sweats, taking care to not bump my neck or move too quickly. Heading out to the living room, I found Lexi sitting at the bar drinking her coffee. “Oh my God, you look awful!”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that. Taylor left me a message yesterday and told me what happened. Are you okay?”

  I continued into the kitchen, filling the kettle with water to make myself some tea to soothe my throat. “I’ll be fine.”

  “Was that Austin I saw making a mad dash from your bedroom?”

  I fought a cringe at the thought of Austin trying to get away from me. “He spent the night to make sure I was okay.”

  Lexi placed her coffee cup down on the counter. “Honey, are you sure that’s a good idea? I know you have feelings for him.” I pulled a mug down from the cabinet and found a lone box of tea amongst all our coffee paraphernalia, trying to ignore Lexi’s words.

  I made a noncommittal humming sound in the back of my throat. What I wanted to say was, “Yes, all right? I’m head over heels in love with him, and I have no idea if he feels the same. Sometimes, I think he might; and other times, I think he sees me as his sister.” But I didn’t say that. I wanted to keep that admission to myself for just a while longer. As soon as I spoke those words out loud, there would be no taking them back.

  Lexi ran a perfectly manicured finger around the edge of her cup. “I think if a guy wants you, he’s going to make the first move. Especially a guy like Austin. And I don’t say that to hurt your feelings. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up and get more hurt down the line.”

  I gripped the edge of the cool granite counter top to the point of pain, using the feeling to ground me. “Mm-hmm,” I answered, biting the inside of my cheek. I knew there was a possibility she was right, but I also knew that she didn’t know Austin as well as she seemed to think she did.

  I needed to call up my courage
and talk to him, be honest about my feelings. At least then, I would know. Then, I could either jump him or try to move on, but I knew I couldn’t stay in this place of limbo any longer. Especially when lip touches that seared my soul were being introduced into the status quo.

  Lexi rose from her stool, leaving her coffee cup for me to clean up. “I’ve got to get to work.”

  “Okay.” I washed her cup while I waited for my tea to steep, the whole time thinking about how I could explain to Austin that I had fallen in love with him.

  I fell into step next to Taylor as we headed towards Ford’s bar. It was Liam’s birthday, and I had taken extra care in my preparations for the evening. My strawberry-blonde hair hung in soft, beachy waves down my back. I had lined my eyes in a shade of coal that made the green in them pop, and I was wearing a little black dress that made it look like my legs went on forever.

  I had given it my all to make sure I felt my best because the last two weeks had sucked big time. Being forced to take a week off work to recover meant that I was super behind on everything now. Michael knew what his father had done and felt horribly guilty, no matter what I did to assure him that it wasn’t his fault. And Austin was officially avoiding me. I had only seen him once in the past two weeks, and it was for about ten minutes when he and Liam dropped off dinner for me. We had traded a few texts, but he always had excuses for why he couldn’t hang out. Tonight, I was getting answers. My phone buzzed in my clutch, and I pulled it out.

  Lexi: You almost here?

  Lexi had finagled herself an invite to Liam’s birthday party when he had come over to hang out with me while I recovered. She wasn’t exactly the person I was most excited to hang out with, but I didn’t blame her for wanting to go to a rock star’s birthday.

  Me: Walking up now.

  Lexi: Great! We’re in the back.

  Taylor and I made our way past the line of people to the front door where the doorman checked us off a list and let us through the velvet rope. I grasped Taylor’s hand as I cut a path through the crowd towards the seating at the back of the bar. I found Liam surrounded by gorgeous women, Ford, and a few more guy friends. I leaned over the table and grasped his face, planting a smacking kiss on his cheek. “Happy Birthday, Liam.”

  He smiled a smile that told me he’d already had a few. “Thank you.”

  I held up a gift bag and let it dangle from my pointer finger. “For you. Is there somewhere I can stash it so it doesn’t get lost?”

  “Yeah, there’s an office down the hall on the right. Austin’s back there stowing some other gifts. Tell him to get his ass back out here.”

  Perfect. I could corner Austin’s grumpy butt and get him to tell me what the heck was going on. I had grown paranoid that the pain meds I had been on the night Austin slept over had seriously screwed with my memory or perception of events. Maybe I had thrown myself at Austin and begged him to take my virginity—that would be humiliating. No matter what had actually happened, I was getting to the bottom of things tonight.

  I slipped through the back hallway and found the office door. Knocking briefly, I chuckled to myself—like anyone could hear knocking over the pounding of the bass in the speakers. Hesitantly, I pushed open the door, but when it reached the midpoint of the threshold, I froze. My heart thudded against my ribs and then dropped to my toes.

  Austin was there, all right. He leaned back against the desk, while a girl was on her knees in front of him, unbuttoning his pants. I did a double-take when I realized the girl was Lexi. Vomit crept up my throat. I felt Liam’s present slip from my fingers as I turned and ran. I thought I heard someone call my name, but I couldn’t be sure with the music blaring all around.

  I pushed people aside as quickly as could to make it back to Liam’s table. Taylor was sitting just across from him, and I grabbed her shoulder roughly. She spun around and took in my face. I must have looked awful because both she and Liam spoke at the same time. “What’s wrong?”

  I swallowed back the bile that was still making its way up my esophagus. “Lexi and Austin are hooking up in the office.”

  Taylor stood, wrapping an arm around my waist. “Jesus, you need better friends.”

  Liam leaned across the table and grabbed my hand. “He’s been drinking, he doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

  I couldn’t deal with Liam’s reasoning right then, so I turned to Taylor. “I’m sorry to make you leave when we just got here, but I really need to get out of here.”

  “Of course, let’s go before He-Man pulls his dick out of that skank and comes after you.” I cringed at the visual, and Taylor sent me a sympathetic smile. “Sorry.” Once we were out on the street, I sucked in a deep breath, trying to still my riotous stomach. Taylor still had a hold of my hand, and she squeezed it. “You going to be okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s just the wakeup call I needed.”

  17

  Carter

  I moaned as sunlight hit my tender eyes; apparently, crying myself to sleep had taken a toll. I rolled over and stretched, propelling myself into a sitting position. Gazing around Taylor’s guest room, I thanked my lucky stars that I hadn’t had to return to my own apartment last night. Slowly, I got to my feet and meandered out to the living room to find Taylor sipping tea on her couch. “Hey, girlie, how are you feeling?”

  I shuffled toward her and plopped down on the opposite end of the couch, pulling my knees up to my chest. “I feel like I’m hungover, and I didn’t even drink.”

  “It’s all the tears. A crying hangover. Just drink a bunch of water, and you’ll start to feel better.” She paused, bringing the cup to her lips. “What are you going to do?”

  I let my head fall to my knees. “I have no idea. You know, Lexi texted me as we were walking in last night. I think she purposely timed it so I would see them together, or at least have a real good idea of what they were up to.”

  Taylor shook her head. “What a bitch. I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now, but she’s always been jealous of you and the attention those guys give you. She’s used to being the center of attention and gets bitter when she’s not.”

  “What am I going to do? I have to live with her.”

  Taylor set her mug on the coffee table. “Move in here. I have more than enough room.”

  “Really?” Taylor lived in a gorgeous four-bedroom house in the Los Feliz hills that I would kill to call home. It felt like a Mediterranean oasis, complete with a pool and spa.

  “Why not? My dad got me this place as a ridiculously over-the-top graduation gift. Trying to assuage his absentee-father guilt. So, you wouldn’t have to pay rent. We have the same schedule, so no worrying about roommates throwing ragers when you have to be up at 5 a.m. Plus, we have the same taste in cheesy made-for-TV movies. We are basically a match made in roommate heaven.”

  “Well, when you put it like that…”

  Taylor clasped her hands together like a little kid. “Yes?”

  “Yes. Thank you.”

  She shrieked and threw her arms around me in a tight hug. “Now, tell me what you’re going to do about Austin because, that, I don’t have a quick fix for.”

  My excitement about moving in with Taylor immediately dulled. I sighed. “I lay awake most of the night thinking about it. In some ways, I really do think Lexi did me a favor. I mean, our relationship is kinda messed up. It’s like we’re dating, except we don’t have sex. I’ve said no to any guy who’s asked me out this year because I’m so caught up with Austin. But I haven’t been honest with him about how I feel or tried to set any boundaries with him putting us firmly in friendship territory either, and that’s not fair to him. I mean, we’re not actually dating, so he should be free to hook up with whoever he wants.”

  “Technically, yes. But come on, your roommate? That’s not cool.”

  Leaning back into the arm of the couch, I tried to sort through my feelings on the matter now that I had slept on it. “He has to know I have feelings for him, right?”


  Taylor sucked in a slow breath. “I would say, yes.”

  “If that’s true, then it’s super shitty of him to use my roommate to get off. I haven’t kidded myself into thinking he’s been celibate for the past year, but he’s never rubbed my face in it, never hit on one of my friends. I always convinced myself that he just wasn’t ready for a relationship with all he has going on, but that when he was—”

  “He’d choose you?” Taylor finished for me.

  I worried my bottom lip with my teeth. “Yes. I hate that I was so naïve. I was living over in dreamland, making up this whole story in my mind about why Austin hadn’t made a move. It’s pathetic.”

  Taylor leaned and patted my knee. “It’s not pathetic. You fell in love with someone, and you hoped he felt the same. Every girl on the face of the planet has been there. And, to be honest, I feel like Austin has been a bit selfish. I think, on some level, he knew that if he was honest with you about not wanting a romantic relationship, you would pull back, and he didn’t want to lose the comfort of having someone always there to support him. It’s like he got all the benefits of being in a relationship without having to commit to one. You met all his emotional needs, and he found random girls to fulfill his physical ones.”

  I groaned, leaning my head back to stare at the ceiling. “No matter what the reasons are, I need some time and space away from Austin. Because if I keep spending this much time with him, I’ll never fall out of love with him. Which means, I’ll die a ninety-seven-year-old virgin, while he’s out screwing half of LA.”

  Taylor chuckled into her mug. “Do you really think you can walk away from him?”

  “I have to. I want to meet someone who can love me back. I want to get married and have kids one day. I can’t do that if I stay stuck in this place.”

  “Fair enough.”

  I started chewing on my bottom lip again at the thought of not having Austin in my everyday life. “It’s not like it’s forever, it’s just until I can get over him.”