Further To Fall

by Catherine Cowles

  “That might take longer than you think.”

  “Yeah, but I have to try. I’m going to see if he can meet for breakfast.” I reached for my phone so I could text Austin before I lost my nerve.

  “Doing it in person? Wow, you really have lady balls.”

  I stuck out my tongue at her and powered on my phone. “Oh, shitake mushrooms.” My head popped up, and I met Taylor’s eyes. “I have thirty-eight missed texts.”

  She rose, taking her coffee cup to the kitchen. “This is going to be one interesting breakfast.”

  Austin

  I groaned at the pounding in my head and the taste of death on my tongue. Opening my eyes, it took a few moments to realize where I was—the guest room at Liam’s house. Thank God. I rolled into a sitting position and pushed myself to my feet. Everything was just a bit fuzzy, I didn’t even remember coming back here last night. I glanced around, looking for my phone and keys, but didn’t see either so I went in search of Liam.

  I found him in the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “Looking for this?” He held up my cell phone.

  I grunted. “That and some coffee. Why do you have my cell?”

  Liam sipped his coffee, just staring at me for a moment. “Because you wouldn’t stop calling and texting Carter. Thanks for ruining my birthday, by the way.”

  Icy cold dread slid over my body as images from last night came crashing back: taking shots with the boys, Lexi cornering me in the office, Lexi unbuttoning my pants, Carter walking in, the shock on her face, the tears in her eyes, running after her, taking more shots when she wouldn’t answer my calls. Fuck, I was a bastard. “I’m an asshole.”

  Liam’s knuckles bleached white as he gripped his mug. “Yes, yes you are. I almost punched you last night.”

  “I’m surprised you didn’t.”

  “Fuck, man, of all the chicks in the greater Los Angeles area, you pick her roommate? Were you trying to crush her?” The silence in the kitchen was deafening. “You know she’s in love with you, don’t you?” I didn’t say a word. “And you’re in love with her.”

  I jerked back. “I am not.”

  “Bullshit.” Liam set his cup down with a crack.

  “I’m not. Or I can’t be. What I know for sure is I don’t want to be in a relationship.” I pulled at my hair as I started to pace.

  “You’re a fucking idiot.” More silence. “Fine, man. If that’s true, then you have to let her go. Don’t keep stringing her along, letting her think there’s hope.”

  My head snapped up, and I stopped in my tracks. Let her go? Fuck, no. “We’re just friends, we’ve never hooked up.” That one kiss didn’t count as hooking up, even if it had set my blood on fire. Even if nothing I had done over the past two weeks had been able to erase the memory of that handful of seconds. I pushed on, ignoring the pang in my chest. “You’re friends with her, are you going to let her go?”

  Liam shook his head. “I’ve seen you two together. You don’t act like just friends.”

  “Whatever.”

  A buzzing sound came from Liam’s direction, and he picked up my phone. “It’s Carter, she wants you to meet her for breakfast.” The fist I hadn’t realized had a hold of my chest loosened. Everything would be fine. I would apologize to Carter, and everything would go back to normal. Liam threw the phone in my direction, a bit harder than necessary. “Do the right thing, man.”

  18

  Carter

  I sat at a table outside of Toast, one of Austin’s and my frequent haunts, drumming my fingers to the staccato beat of my heart that felt like it was going to come out of my chest. I didn’t have to go through with this. Austin could arrive, and I could just apologize for overreacting last night, and everything could go back to normal. But where would that get me in the long run? Nowhere I really wanted to be. I just had to resign myself to getting through the awkwardness and pain to come. The only way out was through. I forced myself to take a sip of the freshly squeezed orange juice and take a deep breath.

  “Hey, Firecracker.”

  And just like that, it was as if someone had kicked me in the gut, stealing all the air from my lungs. I turned in my chair, finding Austin’s tall frame towering over mine. “Hi.” It came out as a squeak.

  He reached down, pulling me to my feet and into a hard hug. “I’m so sorry. I was an insensitive ass.”

  I felt myself stiffen at the reminder of last night’s events, and I pulled back. “Let’s sit.”

  Austin nodded and took the seat across from mine.

  I took another sip of my juice and swallowed. I just had to say what I needed to say before I lost my nerve. “I need to tell you some things.”

  “Okay, shoot.”

  I fisted my hands in my lap, letting the bite of pain from my nails digging into my palms keep me from passing out or throwing up. “I’m in love with you.” Austin just blinked at me. “I know you probably already knew I had some level of feelings for you, but I just needed to get that out there first. I’m in love with you.”

  There was no response other than the clattering of dishes and muted conversation around us. “I’ve come to realize that you definitely don’t feel the same way about me. I was kidding myself for a while that you might, but you don’t, and that’s not your fault or even something I can be mad at you about. I need to get over you. And to do that, I’m going to need to take a step back from our friendship. As much as it kills me to do it.”

  Austin’s throat worked as his jaw clenched. “What does ‘take a step back’ mean?”

  I pressed my nails harder into my palms. “I think it’s best if we don’t talk at all for a while.”

  “How long is a while?” He ground out each word like it was a battle for him to say them.

  “I’m not sure. Can I let you know when I’m ready?”

  Austin tilted his head back and looked at the cloudless, blue sky. “Is this really necessary, Carter? I mean, we’ve been friends for a year, never crossed any lines. I’m not in love with you, but I care about you. A lot. And I feel like you’re punishing me for not loving you.”

  I felt a tacky wetness on my palms, and some part of my brain realized I had broken the skin there with my nails. The pain was nothing compared to the wounds his last words had inflicted. “I’m not trying to punish you.” My voice was shaking. “I’m just trying to do what I think is best.”

  “Best for you, but not me,” he said, his teeth grinding together forcefully between words.

  At the end of the day, I guess he was right. I was choosing my happiness over his, but if I wouldn’t fight for my myself, who would? Not him. I needed to fight for me. “I guess so. I’m sorry, Austin, I really am.”

  “You know what, Carter, don’t call. Befriending you was a mistake. I did it for Liam, but it was a mistake.” My heart splintered, sending what felt like millions of microscopic shards into my bloodstream, radiating pain throughout my body.

  He stood, roughly shoving back his chair. “You’ve spent your entire life living in this naïve little bubble, thinking the world is all sunshine and rainbows, that everything will turn out exactly the way you want it to because you’ve willed it so. And if you can’t have it just the way you want it, you throw it away. Well, I’m no one’s trash. And it might be time for you to think about growing up.”

  His words left burns in their wake, but I said nothing, just stared at the chair Austin had abandoned, letting my vision go hazy. What would hurt more I wondered: to never see my best friend again, or to live my whole life standing next to the person I loved to the depths of my soul but was destined never to have? I guess I didn’t have to decide, the choice had been made for me.

  Minutes passed. Austin was gone.

  “I guess I should go now.” I spoke the words quietly to myself as though they would will me into movement. I slowly and robotically pulled a five-dollar bill from my purse to cover the OJ and set it on the table.

  I rose, spotting a bloody fingerprint on the bill. How fi
tting. I waited for a moment, glancing around to see if Austin might miraculously return, full of apologies and amends. There was nothing. No one. So, I turned and walked away, silent tears streaming down my face.

  19

  Carter

  THREE MONTHS LATER

  Taylor flicked on the side lamp as the credits to the movie rolled, illuminating herself on one side of the couch, and Kyle reclined in one of the overstuffed armchairs. I wish she would have left us all in darkness.

  “So, now that we’ve officially watched every horror movie on the face of the planet, can we pretty please go out tonight? Pretend we’re young and alive?” Taylor was exaggerating. We hadn’t watched every horror movie, but we’d watched a lot.

  I was desperate for anything to distract me from the pain of losing Austin. That meant dark rooms and endless screenings of films that had lots of dead bodies and zero unrequited love stories. Clearly, Taylor was done with me keeping her locked in a cold, dark room this summer.

  “I’m actually pretty tired. I think I’m going to go to bed early tonight.” I faked a yawn. “But you guys should go out.”

  Taylor threw up her hands with an exasperated sigh. “Carter, all you ever do is sleep and watch movies!” Actually, I rarely slept. The dark circles under my eyes should have been her first clue. I lay awake in my room each night, replaying my last conversation with Austin over and over, wishing with all my might that I could just take the words back. Wishing I could have Austin back. Taylor’s voice gentled. “I’m worried about you.”

  I swallowed back the tears that clogged my throat. “I’m sorry, Tay. I know I’ve been a bummer to be around this summer.”

  Taylor launched herself at me, pulling me into a tight hug. “You’re not a bummer to be around. I just want you to start fighting to get your life back. Find your mad!”

  Kyle cleared his throat, drawing my eyes to his handsome face. “Why don’t I take you girls out to dinner? Mexican?”

  Taylor pulled back, releasing me from her hold, and clapped her hands like a five-year-old. “Yes! Chips and queso! Come on, Carter. Please?” She stuck out her bottom lip, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “All right. I just need to shower and change real quick.”

  Kyle sent me a tentative smile. “Take your time, there’s no rush.” I had a feeling Kyle was talking about more than me getting ready for Mexican food. He had been a wonderful friend through my great summer sulk. He listened to me talk about Austin until even I had gotten sick of Austin’s name coming out of my mouth. Kyle had held me as I had a sobbing breakdown on the last day of school. And he made me laugh.

  “Thanks for this,” I said, returning his smile with one of my own.

  “Anytime.”

  An hour later, the three of us were piled into a booth at a neighborhood Mexican restaurant. I had a frothy margarita in my hand, and queso and guacamole were on their way. I had to admit, Taylor was right in trying to get me out of the house. As I sipped the salty-sweet concoction, my eyes traveled around the restaurant. There were groups of friends laughing, families enjoying a night away from cooking for themselves, and couples gazing into each other’s eyes everywhere.

  It hit me like a freight train. Life was passing me by. And I was letting it. I had never been this kind of person before: someone who brooded in a corner because I didn’t get something I wanted. When I thought back to the person I’d been over these past three months, I didn’t like her very much. It was time for me to check back into life.

  “So,” I asked Taylor, “how was your date the other night?” The surprise that showed on Taylor’s face was the only evidence I needed that I had been an unbelievably cruddy friend to her lately, as well.

  “Honestly? It was a total bust. He talked nonstop the entire date. Didn’t ask me a single question about myself.” She took a sip of her margarita. “Oh, well, on to the next one. That’s the beauty of internet dating, right?”

  Kyle tried unsuccessfully to hide his chuckle by taking a sip of his beer. Taylor didn’t miss a thing and shot him a dirty look. “I know you’re anti-internet dating, but how else am I supposed to meet someone? I’m too freaking busy!” She turned to me. “You know, I think we should sign you up. It’s time.”

  My palms began to sweat, and I rubbed them against my jeans. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m ready for full-out competitive dating.”

  Taylor snorted. “Stop calling it that. It’s fun!”

  “I don’t really consider that fun.”

  “I’ll tell you what,” Kyle interrupted. “When you’re ready to go out on a date, just tell me. I’d love to take you out.”

  My cheeks heated. Kyle had been hinting about his interest over the past few months, but this was the first time he’d stated it outright. “Thanks, Kyle. I’m not quite ready yet, but when I am, I’d really like that.” He beamed at me. Kyle was exactly the kind of guy I needed to date. He was kind, funny, and most importantly, he had no problem telling me he liked me.

  My phone buzzed in my purse, jarring me from my thoughts. I slipped it out, sliding my finger across the screen to read the message. Blood drained from my face, and my stomach roiled.

  Unknown: Austin gave it to me so good last night, my pussy is still aching today. But he’s so desperate to have me again I’m just going to have to put up with a little pain tonight.

  These little gems had been popping up on my phone at least once a week since I’d found Lexi on her knees in the office of Ford’s bar. At first, they came directly from her phone, but when I blocked her, they started popping up from unknown numbers and emails. I had given up trying to stop them.

  Taylor snatched the phone from my hand, quickly scanning the message. “That fucking bitch. Carter, you have to change your number.”

  If I was honest with myself, the reason I hadn’t changed my number was the tiny kernel of hope that Austin would call. But who was I kidding? His career had taken off like a rocket. He had forgotten all about me. It was time to move on. “You’re right. I’ll go to the phone store tomorrow and see what I need to do.”

  Kyle snagged the phone from Taylor, reading the message and then deleting it, all with a look of pure disgust on his face. “This should just be a confirmation that you should want nothing to do with that ape. If this is the kind of woman he associates himself with, you should count yourself lucky you got away from him.”

  “Yeah,” was all I could say. I wanted to find more of my mad. I really did. Austin had been a prick at the end of our friendship. But even with all he’d said and did, I wasn’t sure I could ever consider myself lucky for not having Austin in my life.

  20

  Austin

  Smooth Irish whiskey filled my senses as the bass beat the bar’s DJ was spinning thrummed against my temples. The alcohol stung my split lip as I took another sip of whiskey, but I relished the burn. Warm and willing bodies pressed up against me on both sides. I smiled into my glass.

  “Will you show me the belt you won?” one of the girls cooed.

  “Sure thing, honey.” I grinned at her and motioned a wobbly hand at Ford. “Where’s my belt?” My words sounded just a little bit slurred.

  Ford scowled in my direction. “It’s locked up in the office so your drunk ass won’t lose it or give it away to one of your groupies.”

  “Stop being a jealous pussy.” I stood, and the world seemed to tilt on its axis slightly.

  Ford stood, as well, reaching out a hand to steady me. “Maybe you should stop being a drunken idiot.”

  “Fuck you!” I swung a wild fist in his direction but missed sending a table of drinks and myself crashing to the floor.

  “Jesus. Help me get him up, would you?” Liam’s voice sounded far away. All I could do was groan.

  “We should just leave him there. It would serve him right.”

  Liam bent down, appearing in the periphery of my vision. “You’re a mess, you know that?” I groaned again.

  “Let’s take him through th
e back, so no paparazzi get a picture of this shit,” Ford said as he helped Liam get me to my feet.

  The world blurred around me as I was ushered through the crowd. The LA night air was still warm, even though it had been dark for hours. It wasn’t cold or fresh enough to give me the relief I needed. “Gonna puke.”

  “Shit! Get him over to the bushes! I do not want this joker’s puke on my favorite kicks,” Ford groused.

  I emptied the liquid contents of my stomach onto the poor, unsuspecting shrubbery. When my heaving finally stopped, I straightened. The world still seemed a little blurry, but I felt a whole lot better. Liam handed me a bottle of water. “Thanks.” My tongue felt thick in my mouth.

  “Let’s get him in the car.”

  Ford narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you going to throw up again? I don’t want any of your nasty-ass puke in my nice, new car.”

  “I’mmm good,” I said, drawing out the m sound.

  Ford sighed. “All right. Let’s go.”

  Liam and Ford helped me into the back of the SUV, and I immediately laid down. The engine roared to life, sending vibrations through the seat. “Where’s Carter?”

  Liam turned around in his seat, gazing down at me. “What do you mean?”

  “Where’sss Carter? Can’t leave her here alone.”

  Liam glanced back at Ford, and then returned his eyes to mine. “She’s not here, Austin. She’s, uh, at home.”

  Something tickled the back of my mind. “Oh, yeah, because she left me.”

  “Buddy, she didn’t leave you. Look, why don’t you try to get some sleep. Everything will look better in the morning.”

  “I’m fucking pissed at her, man!” I saw Carter’s beautiful face in my mind, smiling that radiant smile of hers. “But I miss her, too, ya know? She’s so fucking beautiful, right?”