Further To Fall

by Catherine Cowles

  “Yeah, but he’s back tomorrow.”

  Kyle nodded his head jerkily and then reached for my hand. “Come inside, let’s watch a movie.”

  “Okay.” Curling up on Kyle’s couch while he searched for a movie he wanted me to watch, my eyes traveled over the space. Everything was utilitarian with no real heart or warmth. Granted, he was a guy, so I didn’t know what I really expected.

  The sofa springs squeaked as Kyle sat down, throwing an arm over my shoulder and pulling me against him. “You’re going to love this film, it’s a cinematic masterpiece and one of my all-time favorites.”

  A genuine smile came to my lips. This was one of the things I found charming about Kyle. He was a total film geek. I often didn’t completely get or enjoy the films that were his favorites, but I appreciated how passionate he was about them. It was adorable. “I’m excited to watch it,” I said, knowing I’d most likely need to fight nodding off.

  I was right. Two and a half hours of subtitles would never be my idea of fun, but everyone had to make sacrifices for their significant other. Arching my back as I stretched, Kyle’s eyes dropped to my breasts. I had to bite my lip to keep from chuckling. He grabbed my wrist, pulling me onto his lap and pressing his lips to mine.

  There was a flicker of heat as his tongue invaded my mouth, but it quickly faded away into nothing. My mind drifted to another embrace, and I cursed myself and that stupid kiss. One that had lasted under a minute was now the bar I held all other kisses to. I was starting to wonder if I had imagined the way my belly heated and my lips tingled when Austin’s mouth had been on mine. I tried to shake those memories from my mind, focusing on the feel of Kyle’s tongue dueling with my own.

  His hands slipped beneath my top, stroking my skin. It felt nice. But was nice what I should be feeling? Where were the dips in my stomach or the stuttering of my heartbeat? When Kyle reached for the clasp on my bra, I stilled his hands. He groaned in my ear. “Carter, come on.” His hands worked their way back to my bra, unclasping it.

  I shoved at Kyle’s chest, and it wasn’t gentle. “Stop it. I told you that I just wasn’t ready to go there yet.” My stomach twisted into knots. Something was holding me back from being intimate with Kyle. A part of me felt guilty since we had been dating for a while now, but there was a larger part that knew I had to be true to what my gut was telling me.

  Kyle brushed a frustrated hand through his hair. “This is getting a bit ridiculous at this point.”

  “Look, Kyle, I think it’s best if we stop seeing each other.” The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to evaluate or second-guess them. But as soon as they left my lips, I knew it was the right decision.

  Kyle ran a hand down my back. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed. You just drive me crazy, and sometimes I get carried away. I promise to be more mindful.”

  He leaned in to kiss me, but I held out a hand to stop him. “I appreciate that, but I still think we should stop seeing each other. We are just looking for different things right now.”

  Kyle’s cheeks reddened. “I don’t agree. I think we do want the same things, you just have to be willing to let go of things in your past to see that.”

  My stomach clenched at his insinuation. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.”

  Kyle’s face only got redder, but he took a steadying breath and kept his cool. “I’m sorry you feel that way, and I hope you will take some time to think about it.”

  “I will, but I don’t think I’ll change my mind.” I rose, refastening my bra. “I really am sorry, Kyle.”

  He said nothing as I grabbed my bag and headed for the door.

  The warm mug brought comfort, along with the hands that had prepared it. “I’m so sorry, Carter,” Taylor said as she settled on the opposite end of the couch.

  “It’s all right. I never should have gone out with Kyle in the first place.”

  “Don’t say that. You never know when a spark will appear. Sometimes, it’s POW; but other times, it’s a delayed reaction that leads to a fireworks show. I’m just sorry this one ended with more of a fizzle. And that he was such a pushy jerk.”

  Swallowing a sip of tea, I said, “Well, at least I tried, right?”

  “Right.” Taylor’s eyes studied me carefully. “Do you think any of the lack of heat is because you’re still tied up in Austin?”

  I sucked in a breath. We didn’t talk about Austin much after those first painful months following our falling out. I had been miserable. Our little group had kind of fallen apart. Taylor had stayed firmly entrenched in Team Carter, but it was like the guys were children of divorced parents with shared custody. I gave Austin the bar, never once setting foot in there since the night I had found Lexi on her knees and had even given up Liam’s Malibu beach house for the most part. But Liam and Ford made sure to spend time with me whenever they could, often coming over to Taylor’s and my house so we could feed them.

  My friends rarely mentioned Austin unless I had a moment of weakness and asked about him. It’s not like I had a prayer of forgetting him, even if I would have tried. He was everywhere. Sometimes, it felt like his face was stalking me around Los Angeles, looking down on me from larger-than-life billboards. He seemed to be touting everything from Gatorade to underwear. He’d even guest-starred on a television show. I had, of course, followed his launch into superstardom, secretly watching every single one of his fights on my laptop or iPad in my bedroom, screaming into my pillow when necessary. I think Taylor knew I did it, but she never said anything.

  “I’ve never stopped missing him,” I admitted. “I’m not sure what that says about me after he basically told me I was an over-emotional baby and to get lost. Maybe I’m just messed up in the head.”

  Taylor leaned forward and patted my knee. “You are not messed up in the head. And I don’t think he really meant it. Everyone has said something in the heat of the moment they wish they could take back.”

  “Well, it’s not like he’s been pounding down my door, trying to apologize.”

  Taylor made a humming sound around the edge of her cup before taking a sip of her tea. “For what it’s worth, I think you just triggered some of his deep-seated issues by getting so close to him.”

  “My bestie, the shrink.” Taylor grinned at me over her mug. “At the end of the day, the why doesn’t really matter,” I continued. “He’s not in my life, and chances are, he never will be. I just have to find a way to get past it. Kyle wasn’t the one for me, but I have to keep the hope alive that someone out there will make me forget all about Austin Lyons.”

  24

  Austin

  I opened the door to my office and gestured for Liam to take a seat on the couch opposite two overstuffed chairs some overpriced interior designer had picked out. “So, what do you think?” I had just finished giving him the tour of my recently remodeled MMA training center. I had bought the old gym Mel owned six months ago, sending him off into retirement with a handsome paycheck.

  After buying out the businesses on the floors above, I had gutted the entire building, bringing it down to the studs before remaking it into a training facility that had all of the latest technologies, equipment, and services. It was my baby, and a way to keep my mind distracted from obsessing about Carter since giving up the numbing effects of an entire bottle of booze.

  “This place is incredible, A. I’m proud of you, man.”

  “Thanks, Liam. I wouldn’t have made it this far without your help.”

  Liam leaned back into the couch, resting one ankle on his knee. “I had no doubt you’d make it to the top, and here you are.”

  I leaned back in my own chair, my mind running through all that had happened over the past year. I’d accomplished just about everything I’d ever dreamt about. I’d dominated the UFL heavyweight division, had gained crazy lucrative sponsorships, and was now training some of the other top fighters in the world, but ever since that fight a few weeks ago, I had only grown more aware that something
was missing. Someone was missing.

  I shifted in my chair. “I’m thinking about dedicating the third floor to a youth program.” I had always dreamed of starting something for kids who didn’t have access to the kind of training and equipment they would need to excel at MMA. A program they wouldn’t have to pay a dime for. So parents like my dad wouldn’t have to work extra hours just so their son could follow his dreams. The more I daydreamed about what something like that could be, the wider the scope grew, and the grander my plans got. It also gave me a great idea for a catalyst to get Carter back in my life.

  Liam cocked his head to the side. “Really? That’d be awesome.”

  I picked at the fabric on the arm of my chair. “I hope so. I was actually thinking of asking Carter to consult on it, but when I tried to call, her number was no longer in service.”

  Liam sat up. “You finally got off your lazy ass and called her?”

  He was such a dick. “I’m not lazy. I was just waiting for the right opportunity and getting all my ducks in a row.”

  Liam smirked now, and I wanted to wipe it off his face with a nice uppercut to the diaphragm. He was eating this up. “Okay, maybe not lazy. Maybe just a little, itsy-bit scared...of a girl about half your size, literally.”

  “Give me a break already, would you? What’s the deal with Carter’s phone?”

  Liam’s lips pinched together, and I was suddenly on alert. Something wasn’t right here. “She has a new number. Lexi was pretty persistent in sending her some real charming texts, so she had to change it.”

  My jaw went tight at the mention of Lexi. “Shit.” A wave of dread washed over me, and something that felt a lot like shame. “I can’t believe she’d say anything to Carter.”

  “That girl is unhinged. She texted Carter weekly, graphic shit that would make even Ford blush.”

  My teeth ground together. “What a conniving bitch.” Liam just stared at me. “I know, I know, it’s my own fault for ever touching her.”

  “It is your own stupid-ass fault. I don’t want that chick anywhere near Carter.”

  “Me either.” I cracked my knuckles. “God, it kills me that Lexi’s been laying into her.” And it did. There were lots of things I regretted doing over the years, but number one would always be touching that snake of a female. My stomach roiled at the thought of her and how much my actions had hurt Carter. I knew I would have to tell her the whole story at some point, but I needed to get her to trust me again before I did. I could only hope that she would forgive me when she learned the truth.

  “It should,” Liam shot back, protective big-brother act in full effect. As annoying as it was at the moment, I was glad Carter had someone like Liam looking out for her.

  “Enough already. What do you say? Will you give me Carter’s number?”

  Liam rubbed his jaw like he was considering all his options. “I’m not giving you Carter’s number without asking her if it’s cool. But before I even ask her, I gotta know where your head is at.”

  “I’m ready to go after my girl.” That was the simple truth of it. I never should have let her go in the first place. But the fact was, if I hadn’t lost her, I might have always taken her for granted just a little bit. Having lived without her for an entire year, I knew that life was just a little bit duller without her in it. I didn’t laugh as often or as hard. I sure as hell didn’t look at the positive side of a tough situation. I just plain wasn’t as happy. At the end of the day, I was selfish. I wanted her in my life in every possible way, lighting up every dark corner.

  A small grin spread across Liam’s face. “You know you’re going to have your work cut out for you. She thinks you never want to see her again.”

  “You know me, I’m not afraid to fight for what should be mine.” Not anymore anyway.

  “Just go slow with her. Ease into being friends first, give her some time to adjust.”

  I didn’t want to take it slow. I wanted to throw Carter over my shoulder, cart her back to my house, and never let her leave. But that would probably get me arrested. “I’ll try to go slow.”

  “All right, good luck, man. You’re gonna need it.”

  25

  Carter

  I swirled the spatula around the edge of the cupcake, leaving smooth waves in the buttercream frosting. After sprinkling a few sugar crystals on top, I reached across the kitchen bar and placed it into Liam’s waiting hands. “Thanks, this looks amazing.”

  “Anytime. You want milk or water?”

  His eyes lit up like a little kid’s at Christmas. “Cupcakes and milk? I feel like I’m back in Georgia, sitting at your mom’s kitchen table.”

  I smiled as I poured him a glass of milk. “Best compliment ever.”

  He smiled back and took a sip. “So…I saw Austin today.”

  I stilled. Liam almost never brought up Austin’s name, and if he did, it was usually an accident. Never anything direct like this. “He said he tried to call you and asked for your new number. He’s starting a youth program at his new training facility, and he wants you to consult on it. You ready for something like that?”

  I wiped my suddenly sweaty palms on my apron. I had no idea if I was ready. I had honestly resigned myself to the notion that Austin wanted nothing to do with me. And why would he? He had the world at his fingertips now. I was just a faint memory of a girl he used to know.

  Because I was so sure he was done with me, I honestly hadn’t thought about how I would feel if he ever came back around. My heart clenched. “I miss having him in my life. I miss my best friend. So, I guess…yes?” Liam didn’t look convinced. “I just need to have better boundaries in place this go-around.” I could do this. I had a year of distance on my side, and the knowledge that Austin had zero interest in me beyond friendship. This would be a piece of cake.

  Liam had a look on his face that I couldn’t quite read, but he pulled out his phone. “I’m going to send it to him then.”

  I swallowed hard, my throat suddenly dry as a desert. “Okay.”

  Later that afternoon, I was on my hands and knees, scrubbing a spot on the kitchen floor that nobody could see but me when my phone’s ringtone caused me to jump and knock into the bucket of water next me, spraying it all down my front. “Shitake mushrooms!” I had turned my phone’s ringer to the highest possible setting so I wouldn’t miss any phone calls while in my cleaning frenzy.

  In hindsight, it probably didn’t need to be quite that loud when it was less than two feet from my face. Live and learn. Jumping to my feet, I grabbed for my phone. Austin’s name lit up the screen, I guess he hadn’t changed his number. My hands shook as I hit the green button. “Hello?”

  “Hey, Firecracker.”

  With just two little words, he stole all the breath from my lungs. “Hi, Austin.”

  “It’s so good to hear your voice.”

  “Yours, too.” His was different, yet the same. Rougher or deeper somehow but holding that same warmth that hit me right in the belly.

  “How are you?”

  “Um, I’m good. Freaking out a little bit at the moment, but good.” I twisted the rag I was holding between my fingers.

  “Don’t freak out. I hate that this is over the phone, I want to talk to you in person. Would you meet me?”

  My stomach dipped at the thought of seeing him in person after all this time. “Uh, sure. When?”

  “How about tomorrow after you’re done with school?”

  “Okay, that works.”

  “Can you meet me at my gym? The same place we used to do self-defense training.”

  I sucked in a breath, thinking about walking into a place that held so many memories but nodded. Then I realized Austin couldn’t see me nodding and said, “Yeah, I can do that.”

  “I can’t wait, Carter. See you tomorrow.”

  “See you.” He had hung up, but I stood there for several long seconds, phone still pressed to my ear, wondering what I’d just gotten myself into.

  The sound of footsteps ha
d me turning around as I headed out to the school parking lot. It was Kyle. I inwardly groaned. It was like he was everywhere these days. But I guess that’s what you got when you dated a co-worker, and it didn’t work out—frequent awkward encounters. “Hey, Carter, you done for the day? Want to go grab coffee?”

  He asked me to do something at least three times a week. At first, I had said yes every so often because I wanted us to transition back into a friendship. We’d never had much chemistry, so I had thought it would be easy, but…not so much. I now politely declined every time he asked. “Hi, Kyle. I can’t, I have plans.”

  “Oh, yeah, what are you up to?” he asked as we continued walking.

  I thought about lying. Austin had not exactly been a warm and fuzzy topic during our short relationship, but I went with the truth. “I’m meeting Austin at his gym.”

  Kyle grasped my arm and stopped walking. “You’re talking to him again?” His jaw was tight, and his fingers cut into my flesh.

  I pulled my arm out of his grasp. “Just as of recently, but yes.”

  He ground his teeth together. “You can’t do that.”

  I wanted to pound my head against a wall. Kyle was a great many wonderful things, but what he was not was the most socially adept person in the world. It was hard for him to get the message, even when I spelled it out. “Kyle, Austin and I are just friends. We’ve always just been friends, and we’ll always be just friends.” It hurt my soul to admit that. I continued, “But you and I are broken up. We have been for weeks. You have no say in who I spend time with.” I said it in a soft tone, even though the words were a bit harsh. I needed him to get the picture, but I didn’t want to be cruel.