Further To Fall

by Catherine Cowles

  Liam reached out and patted my shoulder. “I know, buddy, she is. Just close your eyes.”

  My eyes did feel pretty heavy, so I let them slowly shut, and was dead to the world before we were out of the parking lot.

  It felt as if a tiny elf were chiseling away behind my eyeballs. I opened my lids to find myself again in Liam’s guest room. At least I wasn’t in some fight groupie’s bed. That had happened more times than I wanted to admit over the last few months. I gingerly pushed myself into a seated position, rubbing a hand over my stubbled jaw. Fuck, I needed some painkillers and maybe a little hair of the dog.

  I stumbled into the kitchen to find Liam and Ford both sitting at the dining nook, sipping coffee. “There any more of that?”

  Liam studied me with an unreadable gaze. “Yup. In the pot.”

  “Thanks.” I poured myself a cup in the largest mug I could find and took a seat next to Ford. An awkward silence followed. “Sorry if I did something stupid last night, it’s all a little hazy.”

  Ford cleared his throat. “We wanted to talk to you about that.”

  I looked between Ford and Liam, now noticing their creased brows and nervous glances. “Okay,” I said.

  Liam leaned forward. “We’re worried about you. You’re drinking more than you ever have before—”

  I interrupted him before he could continue. “I know I was shitfaced last night, and I’m sorry for whatever idiotic shit I pulled. But I just won my first UFL championship. Didn’t I deserve to cut loose after that?”

  Liam and Ford exchanged a look. It was Ford who spoke. “You’ve been drinking a lot even when you’re in training, which you never used to do. And you’re fucking anything that moves.”

  I snorted. “So I’m having a little fun, what’s wrong with that?”

  Liam set his mug down on the table with a sharp clang. “You took a swing at Ford last night. I’ve never known you to do that before. And, quite frankly, if this is the new you, I’m done.”

  The few sips of coffee I’d taken settled in my gut like a lead weight. I took quick inventory of Ford’s face. He didn’t look hurt. “Did I make contact?” My voice came out hoarse.

  “No, man. You only succeeded in taking yourself out.”

  I swiped a hand over my brow. “Fuck. I’m sorry, man. Really, I—” I stumbled over my words because I didn’t know what the hell to say. There was no excuse for trying to deck one of your best friends just because you were wasted. I wasn’t a college frat boy; I was too old for this shit.

  I wasn’t in total denial. I knew I was trying to numb myself. Trying to turn off those flickers of pain from missing Carter by fighting, fucking, and getting shitfaced. It had to stop. I may need a distraction, but I could throw myself into something worthwhile instead of into the bottom of a bottle.

  I cleared my throat. “I hear you. I’m gonna make some changes.”

  The set of both Ford’s and Liam’s shoulders relaxed. Shit. What had I been putting my friends through these past few months? I was a bastard.

  “You know—” Ford started.

  “Don’t,” Liam broke in.

  “What? He’s a miserable bastard without her in his life.”

  My spine straightened. “What are you talking about?”

  A small grin spread over Ford’s face. “In your drunken state last night, you might have mentioned how much you missed Carter.”

  My expression went on lockdown. “She doesn’t want me in her life, and I think that’s for the best. I need to focus on getting my shit together right now.”

  “But—”

  “He’s right,” Liam said. “He needs to clean up his act before he goes knocking on anyone’s door.”

  My teeth ground together at the thought of Liam keeping me from Carter. There was this constant push and pull where she was concerned. A part of me that wanted nothing more than Carter back in my life. But in what capacity? She didn’t deserve me jerking her heart around. And every time I thought about committing to more with Carter, a panic seized my heart. So, I was left at this lonely impasse.

  The one thing I did know is that I wasn’t going to drag my friends down with me anymore. I pushed up from the table. “Come on, I’ll treat you both to breakfast at The Griddle. Then, we can go shoot some hoops, and I’ll sweat the rest of this whiskey out of my bloodstream.”

  Ford rubbed his hands together like some weird combination of an evil genius and little kid. “Now that’s an apology I can get behind.”

  Liam stood, slapping a hand on my shoulder. “Good to have you back.”

  21

  Carter

  The full moon lit the walkway as Kyle and I made our way to the front door. Summer had slid into fall and, before I knew it, winter was almost over. I had taken Kyle up on his offer to take me out. It was now our third official date. He’d taken me to a screening of one of his favorite films and out for ice cream after. The film hadn’t been my cup of tea, but the ice cream was delicious, and the company lovely.

  As we reached the door, Kyle grasped my elbow. “I’m not going to ask to come in, but I would like to kiss you goodnight.”

  So far, the dates had ended with an awkward hug or a peck on the cheek. Asking for a kiss kind of took the fun out of it in my mind, but I should be grateful that Kyle had sensed I wanted to take things slow. “I’d like that.”

  His hand released my elbow and came to the small of my back. He dipped his head, eyes closing as his lips met mine in a gentle touch. I shut my eyes, trying to lose myself in the moment. Kyle’s tongue dipped between my lips, but the rhythm felt out of sync. Seconds passed, but no sparks came to life.

  Kyle pulled back, sucking in a breath. “Wow. That was, wow.”

  I bit the corner of my lip, unsure of what to say. Evidently, Kyle hadn’t felt any lack of chemistry. Or if he had, he was covering it well. “Thank you again for the movie and ice cream.”

  “You’re welcome. How about I cook you dinner next Friday?”

  I twisted my fingers. I hoped these dinner plans didn’t mean that Kyle was ready to move things along physically. “Um, sure. That’d be nice.”

  “Great.” Kyle bent forward for another quick peck. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Goodnight,” I said and darted inside. Pushing the door closed, I sighed as I leaned against it.

  “Is that a happy I’m-in-love sigh?” Taylor called from the living room.

  I started towards her. “You couldn’t hear me sigh from all the way over there.”

  She cackled. “No, but I could see your dramatic shoulder rise and fall. So, tell me all about it. How was date number three?”

  “It was nice,” I said as I plopped down next to her on the couch.

  “Nice? Uh-oh, what happened?”

  “No, it really was nice. The movie wasn’t my favorite, but I still had fun. Kyle’s sweet, and he makes me laugh…” I trailed off.

  “But?” Taylor prompted.

  “But he kissed me tonight, and there were just no sparks.” I let my head fall onto the back of the couch.

  “Ah. Don’t get too discouraged,” Taylor said as she patted my knee. “Sometimes, it takes a while for you to find your sexy-times groove with someone.”

  “That’s true,” I admitted. But I wasn’t sure if that was going to be the case for Kyle and me. I had never felt the kind of attraction for Kyle that I’d felt for—I stopped myself right there. Comparing Kyle to Austin would get me nowhere. “He’s cooking me dinner on Friday.”

  “Ooooooohhhh!” Taylor sat up, suddenly very interested. “Are you going to sleep with him?”

  “What?! No! Do you think he’s going to expect that? He just kissed me for the first time tonight.” My stomach felt just a little bit queasy.

  “No, relax. Kyle seems like the gentleman type. And if he’s not, just knee him in the balls and head on home.”

  A small giggle escaped my throat. “Your solution is always to knee the guy in the balls.”

  Taylor
shrugged. “What? It’s a good solution.”

  I leaned over and enveloped her in a hug. “Thanks for being such a good friend and sticking with me through my sulky phase.”

  She squeezed me back. “Anytime, girlie. But I’ve gotta say, I’m glad we can leave the house again.” I snorted and pinched her side. “Hey! Watch it!”

  “Yeah, yeah.” I rose from the couch. “I’m gonna grab a shower and hit the hay, I’m exhausted.”

  “It’s all that making out, takes it right out of you,” Taylor said as she waggled her eyebrows.

  “Shut it, you!”

  “You love me.”

  “Unfortunately, I do,” I called over my shoulder as I headed into my bedroom.

  I tossed my purse on the bed and made quick work of showering and brushing my teeth. Pulling on my comfiest PJs, I slipped beneath the sheets. Flopping back onto the pillows, I worried my bottom lip between my teeth. I knew I shouldn’t do it, but the pull was too strong.

  I slid open my nightstand drawer and pulled out my iPad. Tapping on the YouTube icon, I typed in a handful of words. Austin’s face filled the screen in a post-fight interview. I studied the sharp angle of his jaw, the glint of his deep blue eyes. My heart contracted in a brutal squeeze. It always felt the same, a delicate balance of pleasure and pain, but I couldn’t stop myself.

  I tapped next and watched Austin decimate his opponent in the fight that had netted him his first heavyweight UFL title. A tear slid down my cheek as his hand was raised in the air. It didn’t matter how many times I watched the same videos, their effect never weakened. I told myself that, eventually, they wouldn’t pack such a punch, but deep down, I knew I was lying.

  22

  Austin

  The hallways and doorways of the T-Mobile arena on the Vegas strip did little to dull the roar of the crowd. I was glad. The cheers and boos did nothing but feed the beast inside. I had gotten really good at keeping that monster fat and happy over the past few months. If I didn’t, ugly things happened, and I didn’t want to go back there.

  Swinging my arms back and forth to keep my muscles limber and warm, I paced up and down the hallway outside my locker room. When I reached a corner, I paused, hearing Liam’s voice. “He’s good. He’s in the other room warming up.” His voice held a softness and tenderness that it only had when he was talking to one person. “How’s that tool you’re dating?” A stone dropped in my gut. “Come on, you know you need to end it. There’s no need to keep leading the poor schmuck on.”

  Carter was dating someone. I always knew it would happen, I was just surprised that it had taken this long. I was also annoyed that Liam hadn’t mentioned anything. “All right, all right, I’ll be nice. Promise. See you when I get back.”

  Liam rounded the corner, almost barreling straight into me. “Whoa. Sorry, dude.” His eyes darted around the hallway, and he looked guilty as hell. This was the awkward place we had lived in since Carter and I had stopped talking. Liam had refused to pick sides, but he was damn protective of Carter.

  Almost an entire year had passed, and I hadn’t heard one single peep. Not that I blamed Carter. The final words I had spoken to her had been cruel and untrue. I cringed at the memory. “Was that Carter?” I asked, voice rough.

  “Um, yeah.”

  “Who’s she dating?” It burned to say those words. The idea of anyone’s hands on her untouched skin made me want to kill someone. It was fucked, I knew it, but I couldn’t help it.

  “Are you sure you want to talk about this right before your fight?”

  A hand clamped on my shoulder. “He’s right, son. You need to be focused.”

  Liam and my dad might be right, but I didn’t give a fuck. “Who. Is. She. Dating?”

  Liam just shook his head. “Some teacher at her school.”

  I jerked my head in a nod, spun on my heel, and stalked back to the locker room. My pre-fight preparations were a blur, the deafening cheers of the crowd muted to a dull roar, the fight intros might as well have been in another language. The only thing that penetrated my brain was the sound of the bell.

  I unleashed the rage I held in check every day, the fury that could only be quenched on fight nights. I let it go, unchecked and unrestrained. Fourteen seconds later, my opponent lay semi-conscious on the ground. I was almost disappointed; I wanted to feel that pain.

  Minutes later, my hand was raised in the air, and I was named UFL Heavyweight Champion for the second time in a row. Liam and Ford were hooting and hollering. Mel gave me a fatherly slap on the back. My own dad squeezed my neck, bringing his forehead to mine. “Proud of you, son.”

  It should have felt like I was on the top of the world. It didn’t. It just felt empty.

  Strobe lights pulsed in rhythm with the music, I had a class of Glenglassaugh thirty-year whisky in my hand, my friends all around me, and gorgeous females flitting about. The finding myself in the bottom of a bottle had stopped, the losing myself in a nameless woman had been a little harder to cut back on. I took a sip of the heavenly amber liquid, determined to enjoy this day. To enjoy this life I had fought so hard to get for myself. This life that I had given up so much to have.

  A pair of large breasts pressed into my back. “Want to take this party upstairs?” a voice cooed in my ear.

  Another girl leaned in. “We both want to play.”

  My cock didn’t even twitch. What was wrong with me? This should be every guy’s dream, but all I could think was that girl two’s voice was whiny, and girl one’s breasts felt like boulders poking into my shoulder blades. Neither of them had a cute-as-fuck head tilt or nibbled on their bottom lip when they were worried about something or twisted their hands in complicated knots when they were nervous.

  Or, hell, maybe they did, but I would never know them well enough to find out for sure. It was then that I knew I was done. Done with these one-night stands that brought release but no true relief, these faces that blurred from one to the next, faces that sure as hell didn’t give a shit about me. Done.

  I stood then, causing girl number one to spill her drink. “Sorry, ladies, tonight’s just not the night.”

  Girl one huffed, and girl two pouted, neither action was very attractive. But at least when I showed no signs of reconsidering, they left. I gave a signal to my head of security, John, not to let anyone new past, and he nodded in acknowledgement.

  “Dude, what’s wrong?” Liam asked. Both he and Ford wore looks of startled concern.

  “I’m just over this. Can we get out of here?”

  “Sure,” Ford answered.

  Some of my life may have gone to shit, but I had some of the best friends in the world. We exited the club, John along with Liam’s security guard clearing a path. “Let’s get some food,” Liam suggested. “I’m starving.”

  “Sounds good,” I said, cracking my neck.

  Soon, we had found a twenty-four-hour diner and were spread out in a booth with more food than a small army would need laid out in front of us. “So, you want to tell us what’s going on?” Liam asked.

  I swallowed my bite of fried chicken and studied him. He was my in. If anyone could get Carter to let me back into her life, it was Liam. “I just thought this would all feel differently. Make me happier or something. But it just all feels kind of…” I let my words trail off, not wanting to seem like a total ungrateful pansy-ass.

  “Empty?” Liam chimed in.

  “Yeah.”

  “I know what you mean, man. The things you thought would mean everything to you can turn out to mean shockingly little.”

  I guess he would know better than most. Liam’s career had only reached even higher heights over the past couple of years, but he still hadn’t found that one person to share it with.

  Ford cleared his throat. “Are you finally going to pull your head out of your ass and realize you let go of the one person who would have made this all fun?”

  “I didn’t let her go, she walked away.”

  “And you let her,” Ford shot
back.

  “Liam told me not to call her!” I said, shooting a scowl in his direction.

  Ford let out a scoffing laugh. “You’re going to use that as an excuse? When have you ever let someone stop you from going after something you wanted?”

  He made a damn good point. I had bowed out of the most important fight of my life because I was afraid. That stopped today. I wanted Carter back in every possible way. I wanted her in ways I’d only dreamt about. Her skin against mine, her hair raining down around me as she took all of me. My cock jerked to life in a way it hadn’t in months. I had been without my girl for way too fucking long. I was finally ready to fight for her, even if I had to defeat her and my own demons in the process.

  Liam must have recognized the look of determination in my eyes because he said, “You’re going to have one hell of a battle on your hands. You ready for that?”

  I jerked my head in a nod. “I will be.”

  “Good, now get to work.”

  23

  Carter

  The sound of a sliding glass door had me turning away from the view of downtown LA and towards Kyle’s questioning face. “Who were you talking to?”

  I forced a smile. “Just Liam.”

  Kyle’s eyes went just a little stormy. “He’s at Austin’s fight, isn’t he?”

  My stomach sank. I did not want to get into yet another argument with Kyle about a person who was no longer in my life. To be fair, Kyle probably sensed that my heart just wasn’t into this relationship. After I had finally said yes to a date with Kyle three months ago, I just kept saying yes to the dates that followed.

  Our relationship was comfortable, easy, with no real drama or heartache, but there were no real sparks either. Kyle was kind and thoughtful; never made me second-guess his feelings for me. However, lately, Kyle had begun to press. Press for more of my time. Press for a more serious relationship. Press for more of my body than I was ready to give. I was starting to think that Liam was right, maybe it was time to end things. But I just wasn’t prepared to throw in the towel quite yet.