The Hippie Handbook
Page 6
POSSIBLE SUBJECTS FOR YOUR MURAL
Peace doves
Rainbows
Unicorns
Wizards
Sunrises
Sunsets
Blue Meanies
Dancing bears
Purple haze
Psychedelic swirls
An octopus’s garden
A scene from Alice in Wonderland
Constellations
The Earth as viewed from space
The galaxy as viewed from space
MLK, RFK, and JFK
Blissfully content Native Americans
How to Pick a Suitable Hippie Job
There was a time when hippies did not need jobs and frolicked freely in the Haight-Ashbury and in soy fields throughout the fertile Midwest. Those times are over. Now many hippies hold down jobs, at least in short bursts for part of the year. Here are some jobs to consider if you need bread to gas up the bus.
Bike messenger
Potter
Musician
Poet
‘Zine publisher
Garden store clerk
Brewpub operator
Vegetarian café waiter
Cookbook writer
Collage artist
Bike shop clerk
Head shop clerk
Petition signature gatherer
Functional glass sculpture blower
Masseuse/masseur
Jewelry maker
Anarchist bookstore owner
Teacher
Activist
Social worker
Filmmaker
Beekeeper
“Oregano” farmer
Ice cream magnate
Mail sorter
How to Panhandle
Once you give up all material attachments, you’ll soon notice that you don’t have any money. Faced with this fiduciary conundrum, some hippies choose to rely on the kindness of strangers.
Work high-traffic areas.
Keep your distance from other panhandlers.
Work with a pet.
Flash a peace sign.
Make eye contact.
Be polite.
Don’t lie.
Look downtrodden but not demented.
Play the banjo or guitar.
Do not drum.
Target men with dates.
Target mothers.
Give half your earnings to charity.
How to Organize a Protest
The hippies who were best at organizing protests were the Yippies, the two most famous of whom were Jerry Rubin and Abbie Hoffman. The Yippies nominated a pig named Pegasus as a candidate for president of the United States. They also organized the “raising of the Pentagon” (picture thousands of protesters sitting lotus style around the Pentagon attempting to levitate it), as well as the protest at the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention, which culminated in the police hitting college kids over the head with their batons while TV crews filmed and the whole world watched. The evening news that night radicalized a lot of people. That’s what made the Yippies so effective. They knew how to attract the media.
TIMING
Choose a convenient day and time for your protest so that both protesters and TV news crews can attend. For instance, select a Friday around five o’clock, in time for the late-evening TV news cycle.
PERMITS
You usually don’t need a permit to hold a protest on a public sidewalk, as long as you don’t block traffic on the sidewalk or on the street. You will need a permit for a street march and should contact City Hall many weeks in advance. If you protest on private property, you will be required to leave if the owner requests it, or face arrest. It is always a good idea to inquire about local and state laws regarding demonstrations, even if you plan on protesting on public property. You need to know the permit requirements, noise limits, specific hours when protests are permitted, and other logistical details.
BE CREATIVE
People can stand around with signs anytime. To get more public attention, make your protest something special. Wear costumes, stage a “die-in,” nominate a pig for president, try to levitate the Pentagon—let your imagination run wild.
VERY IMPORTANT PROTESTORS
If possible, get some local celebrities or VIPs (actors, musicians, lefty politicians) to attend. Identify famous folks who might be interested in your cause and contact them via letter or phone a few weeks before your event. Just pick up a magazine and see who shows up to what sort of fundraiser. Woody Harrelson likes hemp. Ed Begley Jr. doesn’t like pollution. Martin Sheen doesn’t like nukes. Alicia Silverstone likes animals. Celebrities can be especially effective if you can convince them to get arrested. All they can do is say no.
ALERT THE MEDIA
The whole world can’t watch if the media aren’t there to cover it. Send a press release to your local print, television, and radio media a full week before the protest and call them that morning to remind them. Tell them what the protest is going to be like and how many people you expect to be there. Let them know about any VIPs who will be attending. Offer to supply articulate, knowledgeable spokespeople for them to interview.
GATHER THE TROOPS
Get people there: A few days before the event, put up posters. Alert like-minded organizations and college radio stations. Call all your friends.
COMMUNICATE THE PLAN
Once everyone has gathered, make sure all your protesters know what the protest plan is. Are you going to march? Where? What will you do if the police decide to disperse the group? Are you going to “claim turf” or disband peaceably? Protests can get out of control quickly if everyone isn’t on the same page. Make sure that all of the organizers have walkie-talkies and megaphones.
HOW TO “CLAIM TURF”
Claiming turf is a time-honored hippie protest method. Claiming turf is, quite simply, the act of taking over a location and refusing to leave. Here’s how you do it.
Move into an area in large numbers.*
Link arms.
Go limp (it makes it harder for law enforcement officers to move you).
Chant, “Hell no, we won’t go.”
*Make sure you have money to make bail
WHAT TO DO IF YOU’RE TEARGASSED
If you are gassed, do not panic. Your eyesight will most likely become blurry. Don’t compound the problem by running out into traffic. Calmly move to a safer area.
Immediately flush the affected area of your body with neutralizer solution (95 percent water and 5 percent baking soda). Do not rub the solution into your skin; this will only cause the tear gas chemicals to sink in deeper. Take a cold shower afterward to rinse off the irritants. Hot showers and baths should be avoided since they open pores and may allow the irritants to penetrate further.
CLASSIC PROTEST CHANTS
(just fill in the blanks)
What do we want? [_________] When do we want it? NOW!
Hey Hey! Ho Ho! [______] [______] [______] has got to go!
One, two, three, four, we don’t want your [_____] war!
CLASSIC PROTEST SONGS
“We Shall Overcome”
“Give Peace a Chance”
“You’ve Got to Fight for Your Right to Party”
How to Tree Sit
WHAT YOU NEED
An old-growth tree in danger of being cut down
A hammer, nails, and two-by-fours to build a tree-sitting platform
A rope
A blank journal for writing poetry
A cellphone
At least 1 tarp
A lantern
A gas stove
Water
Matches
Sunscreen
A first-aid kit
A sleeping bag
Vegetarian snacks
Containers with snap-tight lids to keep moisture out
A 5-gallon bucket
Friends to empty your poop bucket and bring you food
Hippie in Tree
* * *
&
nbsp; Build a tree-sitting platform.
Climb the tree.
Perch on the tree-sitting platform.
Give interviews to the media.
Write memoir.
OPTIONAL
A Powerbook G4 with DVD player
Audio books and tape player
A Palm Pilot (with Scrabble)
A book of Sunday New York Times crosswords
A generator
How to Smoke Bananas*
* with the understanding that this will not get you high
WHAT YOU NEED
5 pounds bananas
Water
Cigarette rolling papers
A whole lot of determination
* * *
Peel all your bananas. Eat as many as you can. Give the rest to the dog.
Using a sharp knife, scrape off the white pulp lining the inside of the peels.
Put all the scrapings in a large pot and fill the pan about one-third with water. Boil for 3 to 4 hours, until the mixture takes on a solid consistency.
Preheat the oven to 300°F. Spread the mixture on a cookie sheet. Bake for 20 minutes.
Scrape the dried residue off the cookie sheet and put it on a plate. The residue will look a little like burnt sautéed mushrooms.
Roll the residue into cigarettes using cigarette rolling papers.
Put on “Mellow Yellow” by Donovan.
Smoke the cigarettes. You will notice that they taste appalling and burn your throat and lungs a lot, so go easy.
First row, from top to bottom:
Earpiece
Catnip
Billy Club
Second row, from top to bottom:
Fake Beard (Crooked)
Hippie Handbook
Socks with Sandals
How to Recognize an Undercover Cop
If you are a hippie who likes to attend outdoor hemp fests, protests, “critical mass” demonstrations, concerts, and various other hippie gatherings, chances are that you will eventually be in the presence of an undercover cop. This undercover cop will probably be there only to ensure that peaceful relations are maintained and won’t be trying to bust anyone or bring anyone down. But see if you can spot him, just for fun.
SURE-FIRE GIVEAWAYS
Is he smoking catnip?
Is he wearing socks with his sandals even though it’s summer?
Is he carrying a copy of this book?
Does he have an earpiece?
Is he chanting slogans a little too loud?
Is his beard crooked?
Is he wearing shiny black shoes?
Does he refer to marijuana as “the devil’s weed”?
Is he carrying a billy club?
Is he arresting people?
How to Get a Copy of Your File from the FBI
Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), which can be found in Title 5 of the United States Code, section 552, you have the right to request access to federal agency records or information. Does this mean you’ll get whatever you request? No! But it can’t hurt to ask. Here’s how.
Write a letter to the Department of Justice (DOJ) at the address listed below, politely requesting that a copy of your FBI file be sent to you forthwith. The DOJ will forward your request to the proper folk at the Bureau.
FOIA/PA Mail Referral Unit
Justice Management Division
U.S. Department of Justice, Room 114 LOC
950 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, D.C. 20530-0001
Write “Freedom of Information Act Request” on the front of your envelope and at the beginning of your letter.
Include the following statement immediately above the signature on your request letter: “I declare under penalty of perjury that the foregoing is true and correct. Executed on [date].”
Wait for your file to come in the mail.
HOW LONG WILL I HAVE TO WAIT?
The FBI is required to respond to a FOIA request within twenty business days, excluding Saturdays, Sundays, and legal holidays. The FBI may take an additional ten business days, but they need to notify you of the delay.
HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?
Unless you are a commercial entity, an educational institution, or a news media outlet, you will be charged for record searches and photocopying. There is no charge for the first two hours of ferreting around or the first one hundred pages of photocopies. G-men charge ten cents per page for photocopies. If the total fee does not exceed a minimum amount, currently $14, the FBI will charge you nothing. You may also include in your polite request letter a specific comment stating the amount that you are willing to pay in fees. If you do not do so, the FBI will assume that you are willing to pay fees only up to $25.
If they estimate that the total fees for processing your request will exceed $25, they will notify you in writing of the estimated amount and offer you an opportunity to narrow your request in order to reduce the fees.
WHAT’S ALL THIS BLACK STUFF?
If the FBI does have a file on you, and the FBI does send it to you, chances are that words, passages, or even whole sections will be inked out in order to protect national security.
For more information—and, this being the government, there is a lot—go to www.usdoj.gov.
How to Join the Peace Corps
Working in the Peace Corps is a richly rewarding experience for hippies and provides an instant boost to waning karma.
Complete the Peace Corps Volunteer Application and Health Status Review forms. This can be done on-line (www.peacecorps.gov), or you can request that a paper packet be sent to you.
After your recruiter reviews your application, he or she will ask you to submit three references.
About a month after you send in your application, you will be asked to meet with a Peace Corps recruiter for an interview. This can be done in person or over the phone.
If the recruiter nominates you, this means that you are accepted pending your health screening.
The Peace Corps will send you medical forms; you will need to get a physical and dental exam and then send in the proper paperwork.
The Peace Corps also runs a background check and considers your financial obligations. For instance, if you have six kids, they might not think that your going to Africa to dig ditches for no money is such a good idea.
The Peace Corps assigns you to a particular country and job, matching the needs of the countries they serve and your qualifications and interests.
You will then receive an invitation to accept a specific Peace Corps assignment. Now that you know where you’re going, you have ten days to chicken out and go straight to junior college.
If you decide to accept the assignment, you will gather with a training group for a predeparture orientation before you kick it overseas.
Serving a stint in the Peace Corps may have been impressive to the other grown-ups, but it wasn’t so great for us kids who had to sit through hundreds of hours of post-adventure slide shows. My mother knew a seemingly endless string of long-haired, bespectacled young women who were always just getting back from Africa, Kodak tray in tow. Upon their return, we would all be immediately herded to a nearby home, where a three-hour slide show and lecture on the fine points of ditch digging would ensue.
How to Run Away to Morocco
Ah, Tangier, beloved by beatniks and hippies alike. Paul and Jane Bowles lived there. So did William Burroughs. Pilgrims included Allen Ginsberg and Jack Kerouac. In the 1960s, you weren’t rich and bohemian if you didn’t run away to Tangier and live there until your family sent someone to come and get you. It was literary, exotic, and, once you got there, cheap—all the makings of a great hippie destination.
WHAT YOU NEED
A copy of The Sheltering Sky, by Paul Bowles
A plane ticket to Morocco
A passport
Money to buy rugs, caftans, and jewelry
Purchase your ticket to Morocco.
Fly to Morocco.
Purchase rugs, caf
tans, and jewelry and have them shipped back.
Groove on it all.
Fly home.
Essential Hippie Movies
BILLY JACK
Directed by Tom Laughlin (1971)
He’s the man who loves peace so much he’s willing to fight for it. Yep, it’s old B. J. (Tom Laughlin), the half–Native American ex-Green Beret who prevents wild horses from being made into dog food and protects a desert “freedom school” where he and his wife teach kids to be right on and fight The Man. There are sequels where he goes on trial and to Washington, but do not watch them.
EASY RIDER
Directed by Dennis Hopper (1969)
Captain America (Peter Fonda) and his pal Billy (Dennis Hopper) fill up their gas tanks and ride out on a cross-country drug-smuggling Mardi Gras–bound motorcycle trip to nowhere. Along the way they meet Jack Nicholson and Phil Spector. My dad saw it again recently and was surprised by how much he laughed. “It wasn’t so funny the first time,” he said.
THE GURU
Directed by James Ivory (1968)
James Ivory has made wonderful, sensitive films about India, but this isn’t one of them. Michael York is a British pop star (read: George Harrison) who’s come to the subcontinent, girlfriend (Rita Tushingham) in tow, to have his consciousness expanded by a Maharishi.