Nameless

by Claire

Very carefully, she put her daughter’s carrier down on a large, sturdy chair in the entryway. Took a moment to make sure the baby was all right and still asleep.

  Then she took a deep breath and prepared herself.

  “Erin,” Seth began, his face surprised and tense.

  His having the nerve to even say her name was the final straw. She turned on him.

  “How dare you? You selfish, heartless ass—” Remembering her sleeping daughter just in time, she amended lamely, “Butthole.”

  Seth opened his mouth to reply.

  She didn’t let him. “I’m talking right now. You can talk when I'm done. I’ve put up with a lot from you and I’ve tried to be reasonable about it, but this is the limit. I know I hurt you, but I apologized. Over and over again. You don’t have to forgive me. You can even hate me if you want. But how cold do you have to be to take your bitterness out on your own daughter?”

  She’d gestured over toward the carrier to make her point. But, when she saw Seth’s eyes straying over in that direction, she felt a new burst of anger. She didn’t want him to even look at their baby.

  “You wanted to be a father,” she continued, stepping in his line of sight to draw his attention back to her. “And now you’re just willing to give it up? You told me that you’d be involved, that you’d be supportive, and then you just snatch it away? Because you didn’t get your way?”

  She had to pause to breathe but didn’t let it break her momentum. “You’re a coward. Too scared to even try. And you’re selfish, thinking only of yourself. And heartless, because you know what it’s like to grow up without a father—but you’re still willing to do it to her anyway.”

  Seth’s face was unreadable, but he took a step closer to her. Opened his mouth again.

  Erin put an abrupt hand up to stop him. “It would be one thing if you didn’t even care—if we were meaningless to you. But you do care. We do mean something to you. You wouldn’t be stalking us otherwise.”

  When she saw him open his mouth again to object, she growled out a sound of rage, effectively cutting of his words once more. “You must still want to be involved, to be a father, but you’re holding back because...” Unable to come up with any sort of reason, she threw her hands up in utter exasperation. “I don’t know why the hel—the heck you’re holding back.”

  It would be a lot easier to lay into him effectively if she didn’t always have to check her language.

  Seth tried again to respond. Actually got out the beginning of a word this time. “Er—”

  She didn’t let him. “I’m sorry you felt differently about our relationship than I did. I’m sorry if I’m to blame for the confusion.” She felt a lump in her throat again at the memory, but forced herself to ignore it. “I’m sorry that I was so insensitive when you...you told me. But I’m the one who hurt you. Not her.

  Seth’s eyes once more shifted in the baby’s direction, as if he couldn’t quite control his gaze.

  But Erin still wasn’t finished yet.

  She stepped forward even more. Was close enough now to touch him.

  “I’m sorry you can’t have everything you wanted, but that doesn’t mean you can offer her nothing. And only an idiot would think it’s not worthwhile to only get some of what he wants.”

  “Erin,” Seth began, reaching a hand out toward her shoulder.

  She jerked away. “Don’t interrupt me. I’ve still got more to say.” She took a deep breath. Tried to remember what else she had to say. “I’ve tried to be mature and reasonable about this. I really have. I do understand where you’re coming from and can sympathize a little. But you’re not protecting yourself. You’re hurting yourself. You’ve missed out on three months of her life. So either be a father to her, or that will be it. No emails. No pictures. No stalking. No nothing.”

  She was swaying a little from an overload of emotion, hunger, and fatigue. Her throat hurt, and her fingers were trembling embarrassingly.

  “Erin,” Seth tried again, his face so confusing—strangely rigid and urgent at the same time.

  Feeling the overwhelming heat of her anger deserting her at last, she mumbled, “And don’t you dare complain that I used a double negative.”

  Seth’s lips tightened in amusement almost imperceptibly but then settled back into a stoic line. He stood in front of her quietly.

  The only sound in the apartment was the sound of their rapid breathing.

  Suddenly, as she waited, Erin was washed with an entirely new thought—the mortifying possibility that it hadn’t been Seth that Stella had seen at all. That he hadn’t been waiting to talk to her. That he had no idea what she was doing here. That he hadn’t even thought about her in weeks.

  And that she’d just come over and attacked him for no reason.

  Finally, Erin was so uncomfortable that she demanded, “Well? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?”

  His mouth tilted up briefly, in automatic amusement at this piece of irony.

  Erin almost, almost responded in kind.

  Then Seth said softly, “I’m sorry.”

  “What? What? You are?”

  He nodded, perfectly composed but somehow not as confident as she was used to seeing him. “That’s what I was planning to tell you, when I was trying to catch you on your walk earlier. I'd finally worked myself up to it.”

  “After stalking me,” Erin muttered, unable to process everything and so clinging to the most inconsequential details.

  “I wasn’t stalking you,” he countered coolly, obviously forgetting that he was trying to apologize. “I just wanted to catch a glimpse of the two of you occasionally.”

  “You could have done so more easily if you’d bothered to return my calls and emails.”

  “I know. Everything you said about me is true. I’ve learned to be a cold, selfish bastard.” With another fleeting quiver of his lips, he corrected, “A cold, selfish jerk.”

  Erin wanted so much to smile at him, his humor speaking to hers so effortlessly, but it wasn’t safe enough to do so yet.

  He continued, his demeanor mild, understated, but because of that more sincere. “Maybe there are reasons for my becoming so—you know what they are as well as I do—but that’s who I’ve been for the last fifteen years. So, when the one attempt I made to be healthy and happy failed, I thought it was safer to go back to what I knew.”

  “I knew that,” she mumbled, shifting self-consciously from foot to foot. “I knew that’s what you were trying to do. So why the stalking?”

  Seth shook his head and looked away from her. “I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t forget I had a daughter. I couldn’t forget about you.”

  This pulled at Erin’s heart so much she had to overcompensate for the emotion. “So you’ve been sulking like a little boy for three months.”

  He tightened his lips, obviously not approving of her choice of language. “I’ve been miserable. Yes.”

  “Then why didn’t you do something about it?”

  “I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me.” At her annoyed, disbelieving look, he continued, “It’s true. For the first weeks, I was just trying to forget, but you kept sending me those damned emails.”

  Erin cleared her throat automatically.

  “Sorry. Those unbearable emails. And slowly I came to the same conclusions you were just screaming at me. I realized that I couldn’t forget—that sometime in the last nine months, I’d...changed.” He still wasn’t meeting her eyes. “But then I thought it was too late. I had one chance and I blew it.”

  Part of her wanted to hug him—wanted to soothe the wounded boy who always hid behind the cold, powerful façade.

  But the tender urge just irritated her even more.

  She smacked him lightly on the chest with the flat of her hand, just for effect. “That’s because you’re completely clueless about relationships that aren’t business or sex.”

  “Why would you forgive me?”

  “Because I want her to have a father, provide
d you want to be one.”

  There was a long silence. So long that Erin thought she might crumble into pieces.

  Then finally he murmured, “I do.”

  Erin let out a breath. All her emotional energy had left her now, and she was left feeling drained, starving, and utterly exhausted. Like she might actually faint. “Okay then.”

  Seth had been glancing over to the baby carrier throughout their conversation, but now he was gazing at it steadily. “May I...” he asked, his face a little diffident.

  Erin nodded mutely. She was on the verge of breaking down completely. Everything had changed so quickly. So irrevocably. And maybe she should have been more careful before she’d accepted his presence in their lives again.

  But she knew Seth, and she was sure he’d meant everything he’d said.

  Knew, if he was able to give his heart and feel it was secure, then he wouldn’t take it back.

  He stepped over to the chair and knelt down next to the baby carrier.

  Their daughter was just starting to wake up again. She made little cooing sounds, moving her arms and opening and closing her eyes.

  Seth gently touched one small hand with one of his fingers, just as he had at the hospital. “Hi,” he murmured, very softly.

  The tiny fingers automatically curled around his larger one.

  Erin managed to say, “You can pick her up if you want.”

  He didn’t react immediately. He just knelt on the floor staring. Then finally he reached his arms out and unhooked the strap of the carrier. Put his hands under the baby's arms and lifted her up, standing up at the same time.

  He held her out in front of him at first, like he didn’t know what to do with her.

  His face was tense and wary as he gazed at his daughter, who began to fuss and squirm. Then he pulled the sleepy figure forward toward his chest until the pink cheek rested against his shoulder, pressed against the expensive fabric of his white dress shirt.

  “Hi,” he said again, bending his neck so he could look down at her grumpy face. “Did I wake you up? Very insensitive of me.”

  At his voice, their daughter’s soft whines silenced. She stared up at Seth’s face in curiosity with blue eyes that were so much like his.

  Erin’s face crumpled, and she had to turn around, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably with sudden emotion.

  She felt Seth take a step closer to her. “Erin, there’s no way for me to apologize. Or ever make it up to you. I have no excuse that even comes close to answering what I did. But I never meant to hurt you.”

  Erin whirled around. Instinctively checked to assess whether her daughter was all right before she snapped, “Yes, you did! You knew how much I cared about you. You knew. So you must have known how much it would hurt to lose you.”

  Seth’s face had frozen, and his voice was hoarse as he said, “I knew it would hurt you to lose her father, but it never occurred to me that you would miss me...for me.”

  Erin was about to bite his head off for this piece of idiocy, but then she realized it was probably true.

  “Well, I did,” she mumbled. “A lot. Just because I’m not...in love doesn’t mean that you don’t mean a lot to me. How could you be so stupid?”

  Seth looked stiff and awkward. In this, he was utterly exposed and vulnerable. He wouldn’t be willing to talk about it for long.

  He’d already stretched himself more than she’d ever imagined him doing.

  So she said, “All right. We’ll let it go.” Feeling a continued pang of worry, she added, "For now."

  Seth’s face relaxed and he looked back down at his daughter, who was wriggling and mouthing again.

  Erin had no idea how much time had passed, but she realized that the poor little thing must be hungry again.

  “What’s her name?” Seth asked. “You never mentioned it in the emails.”

  She jerked in surprise. “I thought you would know. Didn’t you check?”

  He shook his head. He was barely moving, as if he were afraid that motion would upset her. “I was trying not to obsess.”

  Erin couldn’t respond, her throat ached so much.

  “Her name?” Seth prompted.

  Shaking herself off, Erin answered, “It’s Mackenzie.”

  He stiffened dramatically.

  She gulped. “Mackenzie Elizabeth.”

  “Erin?” His voice was thick, disbelieving.

  She nodded, her eyes blurred just a little. “That’s her name.”

  “Erin, why—”

  “That’s her name.”

  After she spoke, there was a minute of silence. Erin felt awkward and self-conscious, and it looked like Seth felt that way too.

  He finally said, “Thank you.”

  She nodded. Felt the beginnings of a peace she hadn’t felt in months. This was what she’d wanted. Her daughter to have a real daddy. She just needed to say one more thing. “Seth,” she began.

  He looked up from where he’d been staring down at Mackenzie’s increasingly grouchy face.

  “Seth, I want you to be her father, and I want you in my life. But I need some assurances from you. I’m an adult, and I can evaluate risks and then live with the consequences if they don’t pan out, but I can’t do that for her.”

  She stepped toward him in her earnestness. Put one hand on his arm. “Soon she’ll be old enough to know you, to...to love you. And, if you’re going to phase in and out of her life—pulling back when you’re unhappy or even when you’re too busy—then she’s going to get really hurt. I can’t let that happen. It will be better if you’re not in her life at all, than if you’re going to come and go as the mood strikes you.”

  Seth’s face was rigid for just a moment. Then he nodded. “I’m not going to walk away again.”

  The clench in Erin’s gut that had been present for three months finally started to relax. She knew this wasn't over, that they had so many things to still work through.

  Knew she couldn't yet trust him as she had four months ago and knew he would be wary and stiff around her for a long time.

  But, still, it was a start.

  “Really?” she asked, a plea in her voice. “Even if you can’t have everything you want?”

  Something wounded and fleeting passed over his controlled expression, but then he nodded again. “I want this much at least.” He raised a hand and rubbed Mackenzie's back as she started to gurgle unhappily. “With her, it doesn't have to be halfway."

  He met Erin's eyes. Spoke what she knew was a promise. "I’m in this for good.”

  ***

  Fifteen minutes later, Seth sat on a sofa in the main living area of the apartment, with Mackenzie in his lap. He still didn’t seem entirely comfortable. His hold on the baby was cautious, as if he were afraid he might break or startle her.

  But he kept staring and occasionally murmuring random comments to her—in his normal voice, not in baby talk—to which she responded by gurgling irritably or flailing her arms, sometimes swatting him in the face.

  Erin sat on a leather side chair, slouching down against the cushioned back with barely enough energy to hold up her head.

  She was faint from hunger and exhaustion, and she really needed to get home soon so she could eat something and get some rest. But she hated to just snatch Mackenzie away from Seth, when this was the first time he’d met her.

  Pretty soon, however, she wouldn’t have a choice. Her stomach did hungry flip-flops, and she was a little dizzy. As it was, she could hardly keep her eyes open as she watched Seth and Mackenzie stare at each other.

  Mackenzie was getting more and more ornery. She’d started squirming about five minutes ago, and now she began to fuss. Clearly—although she’d been mesmerized by her father to begin with—she wasn’t appreciating the prolonged introductions.

  One particularly long whimper from the infant caused Erin to say, “We should go. She needs to be fed again soon, and I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

  Seth looked over at her. “You should
have said something sooner. You can eat here.”

  “It’s no big deal. I'm tired and was just going to make something easy at home.”

  Studying her face intently, Seth frowned. “You’re pale. Why didn’t you eat lunch?”

  “I was busy,” she responded, rolling her eyes at his nosiness. “It hasn’t been a very good day, and now I’m hungry and exhausted.”

  She stood up and looked at him pointedly.

  Seth got to his feet as well and handed Mackenzie back.

  Erin automatically shifted the baby into a soft embrace, kissing the warm little head and soft hair. She looked around, wondering where the carrier and diaper bag had ended up.

  As she peered around the room, Seth wandered away, so she assumed he'd gone to find them for her.

  But when he returned, he announced, “I ordered from the place downstairs and told them to rush it. Dinner will arrive shortly.”

  “Seth,” she complained, feeling half annoyed by his presumption and half relieved that she wouldn’t have to droop all the way home before she got something to eat.

  At the moment, she wasn’t sure she would make it home, lugging both Mackenzie and the diaper bag.

  “You look like you’re about to fall over, and I don’t have anything better to do. Why shouldn’t you eat here?”

  She didn’t have a good answer for that, so she didn’t argue any further. It would save her the trouble of trying to find something to eat herself, and maybe give them a chance to work out some of the parenting issues that would come up now that Seth was back in the picture.

  Mackenzie’s fussing had shifted into full-fledged cries. “She’s hungry. I need to feed her. Is there somewhere I could go?”

  “Oh. Sure. Wherever you like. You can just stay in here if it's convenient. I’ll get your stuff.”

  Erin sank back into the chair. When Seth returned with her diaper bag, she pulled out a burp cloth and adjusted Mackenzie into position.

  She wondered if Seth was going to stay while she nursed their daughter—it wouldn’t really matter to her if he did—but after a moment, he left the room again.

  So Erin fed Mackenzie in the quiet room, the silence broken only by the occasional sound of her baby’s wet sucking. She felt a little strange in the sleek surroundings. Everything looked, felt, and smelled like Seth, and the apartment had evidently been decorated to impress, per his grandfather’s advice.