Nameless

by Claire

  And here Erin was, in the middle of it, breastfeeding and hoping her daughter wouldn’t spit up all over the antique Asian rug.

  By the time Seth returned, Erin had finished. She looked up to see him enter with a bag of food in his hands, napkins and utensils in the pocket of his dress shirt, and two bottles of expensive water under his arms.

  Erin, who was holding Mackenzie upright and rubbing her back, almost laughed at the sight on him.

  He gave her a suspicious, arrogant look—one that made her giggle even more—but he didn’t say anything as he set their meal up on the coffee table.

  When Erin had ensured that Mackenzie had burped or spit up everything she needed, she placed her daughter back into the baby carrier and made sure her own clothing was all in place.

  Then, finally, she was able to eat.

  Dinner was shrimp and scallops with pasta and a light cream sauce, and it was absolutely delicious. Better than anything Erin had eaten in a long time. There was even cheesecake for dessert.

  She stuffed herself and drank her water, keeping half an eye on Mackenzie, who soon fell asleep again.

  When she’d finished, she felt like she might just melt into her chair from pure satisfaction.

  “Do you want some more water?” Seth asked, rising to his feet in one smooth motion.

  “Sure. Thanks.”

  When he left the room, Erin slumped back against the chair again. Closed her eyes and tried not to worry. Everything was going pretty well so far, and now Seth was back in her life, which was hopefully a good thing. She wouldn’t dwell on possible disasters or brood about having made a mistake…

  She jerked awake when she heard Seth saying, “Erin?”

  Blinking, she tried to orient herself. Realized, in a panicked rush, that she must have dozed off in the few minutes Seth was out of the room. “God. Sorry. I just—”

  “You can barely stay awake.” He looked at her with the same cool efficiency that characterized nearly all of his actions. “Haven’t you been getting enough sleep?”

  Despite her befuddled brain, she managed to gape at him. “Are you kidding me? I have to feed her every few hours. I haven’t slept more than four hours at a time in more than three months.”

  “Of course. Maybe you should take a night off and leave Mac—”

  “Seth, just because you’re going to be involved now doesn’t mean you can start taking over.”

  He tightened his lips, but eventually gave one curt nod. “All right. Understood. But I don’t think you’re up to going home at the moment. I don’t want you to collapse in the lobby. Why don’t you just spend the night here?”

  Erin stiffened and sucked in a breath. “Seth.”

  “In the guest room, of course. You’re dead on your feet. This way, we can work out the dynamics of our parenting arrangement tomorrow morning when you feel better. It’s no inconvenience to me, so why shouldn’t you just stay here tonight?”

  Erin couldn’t think of a single reason. Although something inside her was trying to explain that it wasn’t normal, that it was inappropriate, the rest of her was so exhausted that she couldn’t think of any arguments.

  She had all of Mackenzie’s stuff she would need, and everything else didn’t really matter.

  So Erin nodded a mute consent and managed to pick up the carrier. Seth slung the diaper bag over his shoulder and led the way to the guest room.

  It was a well-appointed, comfortable bedroom, with a bed, dresser, and writing desk. There wasn’t a good chair for nursing, but Erin was too tired to complain.

  “I’ll be right back,” Seth murmured.

  In a minute, he returned, carrying a good quality, portable bassinet, which he efficiently set up next to the bed. “Will this be all right for her?” he asked, glancing at her over his shoulder.

  Erin stared for a minute. “Yeah. It’s perfect. How did you—”

  “I’d bought it,” Seth muttered, fiddling with the bassinet, as if he were making sure it was set up properly. “Before. Just in case.”

  She felt a pang so sharp it swallowed her breath. She didn’t question him further. Knew better than to make a big deal about this.

  Seth appeared stiff and awkward—which was uncharacteristic of the Seth she used to know—and he finally said, “The bathroom is just through that door. Do you need anything else?”

  Erin released a long breath. Wondered why on earth she was staying here tonight. “I wouldn’t say no to a toothbrush.”

  He didn’t respond. Simply turned around and walked out of the room. Erin stared at the empty doorway blankly, trying to figure out if she’d said something wrong. Then her eyes widened when he returned, carrying an unopened toothbrush and a soft Oxford shirt.

  “Here,” he said, handing her the toothbrush and the shirt. “And I got this, in case you don’t want to sleep in your clothes.”

  Erin took both of his offerings. Felt ridiculously embarrassed.

  Everything was changing so quickly. This morning Seth hadn’t been in her life at all, and now she was sleeping at his apartment and wearing his shirt.

  She shifted from foot to foot. Didn’t want to do anything but go to sleep, after such a long, stressful day. “Thanks, Seth.”

  “Of course. Let me know if you need anything. And please make yourself at home. If you need to move around tonight—go to the kitchen or wherever—you’re welcome to.”

  “Thank you.” She peered at him from under her eyelashes. Actually felt shy for some reason.

  Seth didn’t seem entirely confident himself, and—after a moment—he nodded, mumbled out a goodnight, and left the room, closing the door softly behind him.

  Erin let out a deep breath of relief, glad to be alone at last.

  Then she picked Mackenzie up out of the carrier, used the writing desk as a changing table to change the baby's dirty diaper, then settled her in the bassinet. Mackenzie fussed irritably as Erin was changing her, but she fell back to sleep immediately afterwards.

  After double-checking on her daughter, Erin put the small trashcan outside her bedroom door so she wouldn’t have to smell it all night. Then she went to the bathroom and got ready for bed.

  Finally she turned out the light and crawled into bed.

  Was asleep in less than two minutes.

  ***

  Erin woke up four hours later to the sound of Mackenzie's frantic squalls. She could tell by the tone of the crying that she must have been awake for a while and been getting more and more upset.

  Erin couldn’t believe she’d slept through it. Usually, she was so attuned to her baby that the smallest sound jarred her from sleep. She must have fallen into some kind of numb stupor.

  Moving quickly, although she could barely pry her eyes open, Erin rolled off the bed and leaned over to pick up Mackenzie. In the dim light, Erin could see that her daughter's little face was red and contorted, as she squalled out angry, breathless cries.

  “I’m sorry, pumpkin.” Erin held Mackenzie against her and rubbed her back. “I didn’t hear you before. You’re probably starving, aren't you?”

  She got back in bed and propped herself up, although it wasn’t as comfortable without the arrangement of pillows she used in her own bed. Then she positioned her still crying daughter at her breast. Offered her nipple.

  Mackenzie tried to latch on through her squalls. Took a couple of frantic sucks but then gurgled and dribbled out a mouthful of milk. Started sobbing again.

  Erin tried to both feed and comfort her anguished daughter for a couple of minutes, but Mackenzie couldn’t settle down enough to nurse.

  The poor thing was just so upset. If only Erin had woken up earlier. Or maybe the unusual surroundings had confused Mackenzie. Whatever it was, her daughter refused to be comforted.

  Some mommy Erin was.

  The only way to settle her down when she was in this mood was to walk her around, so Erin carried her out of the bedroom and down the hall, away from Seth’s room so she wouldn’t wake him up
.

  When Mackenzie had finally calmed down enough to nurse, Erin was in a room with a good, comfortable chair, so she sat down there to nurse.

  After a few false starts and final whimpers, Mackenzie began to suck eagerly.

  Erin sighed in relief. Then glanced around the room for the first time.

  It looked like either a library or a home office—or some combination of both. There were bookshelves lining two of the walls, a large desk on the far side of the room, and a gas fireplace next to Erin's chair.

  Looking at the table beside her, Erin noticed a book on top of a stack of papers. Readjusting her arms so that she wouldn’t jar Mackenzie, Erin reached over, feeling an irresistible need to know what Seth was reading at the moment.

  It was just a recently published book on legal issues regarding copyright in a digital world—nothing Erin was remotely interested in.

  As she was replacing it, she saw a photo of Mackenzie lying on the stack of books and papers beneath it.

  It was the one she’d sent Seth four weeks ago, and Erin made a surprised noise in her throat as she saw it.

  When she picked it up, she saw another picture of Mackenzie below it. The one Erin had emailed Seth nine weeks ago.

  Nearly all of the pictures were in the stack. Printed out on photo paper. The edges of the older ones were slightly wrinkled, revealing how often Seth must have looked at them.

  Erin was deeply touched by this evidence of how much he’d been thinking about his daughter, even as he'd been trying to ignore her existence.

  At the same time, Erin wanted to scream at him—he’d cared about Mackenzie so much and yet had thought he was capable of cutting her out of his life completely.

  Seth was such a mingling of opposites, such a tangle of varied instincts and feelings. She could picture him in this chair, looking at pictures of his daughter, torturing himself with how thoroughly he’d blown it.

  She returned the pile to the table and put the book on top of it again, feeling like she’d exposed something deep and secret about him. Something he might not want known.

  Mackenzie released Erin’s breast, so she held her upright to let her burp. Felt strange and uncomfortable and emotional and kind of bewildered.

  Erin didn’t like feeling any of those things.

  The only picture that hadn’t been in the pile was the last one Erin had sent Seth. Of both her and Mackenzie.

  Apparently he hadn’t wanted that one with the others. Maybe it brought up bad memories of her rejection. Maybe he'd gotten over his feelings for Erin and only wanted to focus on his daughter now. Maybe he just hadn't liked the picture.

  It was fine. Better that way, in fact. Mackenzie was the important one, and Erin hadn’t wanted to send that other picture to begin with.

  Erin was so glad that the photos had meant something to Seth over the last months. That Mackenzie had meant something to him.

  The baby spit up an impressive amount of milk. Erin wiped it up. “Well. That was quite a burp. Good job.”

  In response, Mackenzie just smacked her lips a few times.

  “Still hungry?” Erin repositioned her daughter. She patted Mackenzie's back as the little mouth latched on again and started to suck. “I know. I’m sorry you had to wait so long. It was very upsetting. For both of us. Mommy has got to do better.”

  “Is everything all right?”

  Erin almost jumped in surprise at the mild voice. Seth stood in the doorway.

  He wore only a pair of pants. Nothing else. And the black trousers rode low on his hips, emphasizing his flat abdomen and well-cut chest.

  For the first time in ages, Erin looked at a man’s body with pure appreciation. That was the extent of it, of course—since she wasn’t about to feel anything stronger while her baby was being fed—but, still, the extent of her appreciation almost surprised her.

  Finally realizing he’d asked her a question, she said, “Oh. Yeah. She was really upset because she was hungry. Sorry if she woke you up.”

  Seth came over to seat himself on the ottoman in front of the chair. His eyes focused on Mackenzie’s face.

  “I hope it’s all right that I came in here. The chair—”

  “It’s fine. I wanted you to make yourself at home.”

  Erin saw his eyes move betrayingly to the stack of photos beneath the book on the side table.

  She pretended not to notice. Didn’t even glance over to where she knew all those pictures of Mackenzie were located.

  “She’s okay now?” Seth asked.

  “Yeah. It doesn’t take much to make her happy.”

  They were silent for a long time, until Mackenzie finished eating and Erin held her upright again.

  Rubbing her daughter's back, Erin couldn’t stand the tense silence anymore. It had never been like this between them before. “I realize things might be a little awkward between us for a while, as we start to get used to each other again, but I’m really glad you’re willing to be involved and be her father.”

  Evidently he’d been thinking along the same lines, because his face relaxed slightly. “I don’t blame you for being skeptical of my intentions and commitment, but I’m serious about this. I'm not going to walk away from the two of you again.”

  Erin nodded mutely and tried to think of some way to bridge this silent gap between them. It wasn't going to happen overnight, but she wanted to at least make a start.

  Then she thought of something and voiced it before she chickened out. “Do you want to come to dinner at my place next Friday? Liz and my dad are coming over. I was going to actually try to cook something. They think I don't socialize enough.”

  “All right. I’ll come. Thank you for the invitation.”

  They were silent again—the uncertainty lingering in the air between them.

  “It might be a little awkward, at the dinner, I mean,” Erin warned him, wanting to say anything to cut the silence. “Liz is really mad at you—for good reason, I might add—and I’m not sure how my dad will feel about you now.”

  “I’m willing to risk it. I can guarantee that I've faced much more hostile audiences. If it’s possible, I’d like to be part of your life again.”

  Erin looked down—feeling absurdly embarrassed again. “I’d like that too.”

  Another long silence, filled with something different.

  This time, Seth broke the silence first. “Is there...” he began, swallowing and then beginning again. “Is there any chance that you might change your mind—about what you told me in the hospital?”

  The pang in Erin’s chest shot through her heart—sharp and sudden and painful. “Seth, I just don’t think so.” At the resigned acceptance on his face, she forced herself to add, “And I’m afraid it’s going to take me a little while to even get back to where we were before—in terms of trusting you.”

  “Of course.”

  She sighed and pulled Mackenzie against her, needing comfort. “But I really want to try. To get back to where we were before. I've missed you so much for the last three months. And I want us to be friends and...and partners again. Is that going to be enough for you?”

  She held her breath. Prayed that he'd say yes.

  If she lost him again, it would have to be for good.

  After a long moment, he lifted his eyes to her face. “Yes. It’s not what I want, but it's enough.”

  Fourteen

  “So tell me again why the asshole gets to eat dinner with us.”

  Erin glanced around the kitchen, automatically checking to make sure Mackenzie wasn’t in earshot of Liz’s language, even though she knew that her daughter was in the nursery with Stella, who had kindly offered to stay while Erin prepared for her dinner party.

  She rolled her eyes as she smashed a clove of garlic with the flat of her knife, the way they did on all of the cable cooking shows. “Liz.”

  “I’m serious,” her sister insisted, rinsing off the lettuce. “He’s treated you like crap for three months, and now suddenly he’s our
honored guest?”

  Erin smashed another clove of garlic, this time with a little more force. “He’s not an honored guest. I just invited him over tonight, since I was having you and Dad over anyway. He’s Mackenzie’s father, and I thought it was a good way to ease him back into spending time with us.”

  Liz sneered as she turned off the water in the sink, where she’d been washing the lettuce. “And the fact that he had cut both you and his daughter out of his life—and intended to do so forever—is meaningless now?”

  Erin groaned a little. She’d been expecting this inquisition ever since she’d announced that Seth was once more back in the picture. She just wished it wasn’t happening so soon before he was scheduled to arrive at her apartment this evening. “It’s not meaningless. Obviously, we still have to work through a lot of things. But he’s sorry. He wants to start over again. So do I.”

  “How wonderfully convenient for him,” Liz muttered sarcastically, as she patted the lettuce dry almost viciously. “He gets to drop you and start up again according to his whim, and you go out of your way to make it easy for him.”

  “What am I supposed to do?” Erin demanded, turning around to look at her sister with a piece of garlic peel in her hand. “Say forget it? That I’ll never forgive him? Or make him beg just to see his daughter? Yes, it’s going to take a while to get back to where we were—that’s just unavoidable—but I’m not going to make him jump through a series of hoops out of spite. He’s sorry. I believe him. His heart was broken, and I’m not guiltless in this scenario myself.”

  Liz blinked for a moment, as if surprised by Erin’s vehemence, but then she curled up her lip. “Hmph. Compared to the way Seth has been acting, you are guiltless. What should you have done? Swooned away in ecstasy just because he finally decided to mumble out a few of his feelings in the hospital?” Before Erin could object to this, Liz continued, “I get that he was hurt and maybe he needed a little time. A week or two of distance would have been natural. But three months? And the determination—which he was fully prepared to go through with—that he would no longer be a father to his own daughter? Nothing you did compares to that.”