Kiss My Ash

by Leddy Harper

  “Wait.” She frantically waved with both hands, forcing me to stop and listen. “Months? How long has this been going on? Since Thanksgiving, hasn’t it? I knew it. I walked into something when I came home.”

  I shook my head, my heart hammering against my sternum. “No, honey.”

  “Then when? When did it start?”

  “Initially? When we first moved in.”

  “Since last summer?” Her eyes widened, her mouth agape, surprise intensifying every aspect of her expression.

  “Technically, yes. That’s when I believed he was in his twenties. It wasn’t until the Fourth of July that I found out his age…as well as the fact that he was still in high school—is still in high school, I mean. By then, I think I’d already fallen for him. But I swear to you, once I learned he was only seventeen, I cut ties. I stopped talking to him, avoided him at all costs. I’m not the person this situation has painted me to be.”

  She dropped her head into her hands and took several deep breaths, her shoulders rising and falling with each one. After a moment, she lifted her face, but only to stare at the wall across the room, not once chancing a glance my way.

  “I know you don’t understand this, Emma. I’ve always known you would have an issue with it, and I’m sorry it all came out the way it did. You’ve made your feelings known. I’m not asking you to change your mind or give the idea of us a chance…just show me a little respect, please.”

  “You said you cut ties once before, but that clearly didn’t stop you from going back to him. What’s stopping you from doing it again and keeping it a secret like you did last time? What happens if I come home one day and find the two of you on the couch? Then what?”

  These were all valid questions and concerns, and she deserved my honesty, no matter how badly the truth would burn my tongue. “It won’t happen again. It was easier to give in last time, because no one knew. So there was no one to object to the relationship. But as long as you disagree or are uncomfortable with the two of us being together, we won’t be. You’re my daughter, and no matter what, you come first. No matter how badly it hurts me to give him up, it doesn’t come close to how much it would kill me to lose you.”

  Confusion crossed her eyes, and for a moment, hope filled my chest, blossoming at the thought she’d feel guilty for making me choose and tell me she would learn to live with a relationship between Ash and me for my sake, to make me happy. To put me first. But I should’ve known better.

  She stole the wind from my sails when she said, “I’ll never be okay with it, Mom. I’m sorry, I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, but I can’t. It’s too weird. Even listening to you explain how it all happened, trying to picture it in my head as if you were talking about other people, I can’t wrap my mind around it. It’s disgusting.”

  “I’m not asking you to accept it. I just wanted to answer your questions in the hopes you’ll quit expecting me to hit on your friends. The only thing I care about is you and me moving on. What’s done is done. We can’t change it, can’t rewind time and take it away. I did what I did, you said what you said, and now it’s time to decide where we go from here.”

  Regret weighed heavily in her downturned gaze as she fought against the emotion that rimmed her eyes red. “I’m sorry, Mom,” she whispered, though it felt more like a smack across the face. That was…until she shrugged and added, “I said some really awful things to you, treated you horribly, and you didn’t deserve that. But I can’t lie…imagining you with Ash makes me suspicious of you with other guys my age. Trust me, I don’t want to think that way, but I can’t help it. It’s stuck in my head, and the only thing I can tell you is that maybe in time, it’ll go away. But as of right now, I’m not convinced.”

  “Does this mean you’re willing to give it time, though?”

  “Yes, Mom. I’m not moving out.” Her decision had likely been determined by what high school she’d have to graduate from. But I chose to push that thought aside and focus on the fact that my daughter wouldn’t be packing up and leaving a year earlier than I’d originally anticipated.

  For the first time all weekend, I could breathe again. Nevertheless, each inhalation served as a reminder that while my lungs worked to supply oxygen to my brain, my heart remained stilted, broken, unable to beat sufficiently.

  And I doubted it would for a very long time.

  Until either Emma changed her mind, or I found someone capable of pressing play and bringing me back to life the way Ash had done. Though, I doubted the latter would happen. He was right when he’d said the longer I went stuck on pause, the more distant that side of me would become. And eventually, she’d fade away, never to be found again.

  Although, Ash believed that part of me had taken a break from reality to assume the responsibilities that had come along with becoming a mother at such a young age. That wasn’t true. If anything, I had locked her away, waiting for someone to let her out. Like King Arthur with the sword, I doubted more than one person possessed the key.

  And it seemed the only one who could free the fun-loving side of me happened to be the same person my daughter refused to accept. In the end…I chose my child over myself, over my own happiness. Yet that certainly didn’t make me feel like mother of the fucking year.

  * * *

  I peeked through the large window in my office, the one that faced the teller desk. Mallory held up all five fingers with a grin, telling me how much time she had left with her customer, and then she went back to what she was doing. I’d locked the front door a few minutes ago; now I just waited for them to finish so I could let the gentleman out.

  Returning to my cell, I finished my text to Emma, letting her know I’d be leaving soon.

  Over the last three weeks, our relationship had slowly shifted back to normal. Meanwhile, my emotional state resembled the aftermath of a city swept away by a tsunami after being blown down by a hurricane and then torn apart by an earthquake.

  Living next door to Ash made everything infinitely worse. For a while, it’d caused Emma to distrust me, which had led to many tension-filled evenings. Since our heart-to-heart, she’d spent one weekend at her father’s house, but when she came home that Sunday, I had to deal with her uncertainties. It wasn’t easy, but I’d kept my mouth shut and allowed her to do what she felt was necessary.

  It wasn’t like I had anything to hide. The only times I saw Ash were when I drove past his house, catching him in his garage. No wave, no smile, and after a week, he’d stopped glancing my way. If anything, it appeared he’d mastered the art of avoidance, while I continued to flounder with the concept.

  It was what it was.

  Nothing I could do to change it.

  I dropped the phone into my purse, set it on the corner of my desk, and grabbed the bank keys, hoping they were almost done at the counter. Mallory was a sweet girl, yet she really needed a lesson in time management. With as great as she was at opening new accounts, I had no doubt she’d break records if she just figured out how to pick up the pace.

  My cell chirped from my bag behind me, but I was halfway out of my office and didn’t care to go back. I assumed it was Emma returning my message with something as simple as “K.” I caught Mallory’s famous tell-tale grin, which signaled the end of their transaction. And while the gentleman, dressed in a navy-blue business suit, slipped his paperwork into his messenger bag, Mallory rounded the counter to meet me on the other side.

  His lime-green eyes met mine, just before his lips spread into a beautiful grin. Maybe I’d never paid attention before, or maybe Emma had hung posters around town advertising that I needed a man my age. Either way, I found it odd that I’d caught the attention of more men lately, at least ten times as many as all the years I’d been here combined.

  Although, I’d apparently been smiling more myself.

  I had several people tell me today they’d noticed how much happier I seemed since last month. Then again, that might’ve had something to do with spending the entire weekend wi
th Emma. It was the first time since spring break that I felt some semblance of normalcy where she was concerned. Even though the rest of my life was an utter shitshow, I had my daughter, and that was all that mattered.

  Granted, yesterday was Easter Sunday, which meant we’d had the entire three-day holiday weekend together—her dad had taken his family on a trip, so I didn’t even have to split my day with her this year. Not only that, but now that she and Thomas had broken up, she had more time for me—when she wasn’t with Tori, that is. Something told me her split with Thomas had something to do with the fight between Ash and him several weeks ago, yet whenever I asked, she played it off as no big deal.

  I had to remind myself that it didn’t matter as long as my relationship with my daughter was back on stable ground. Just thinking about that made my lips stretch wider. There was a good chance the gentleman approaching me believed my smile had been meant for him, especially with the way he eyed me up and down like I stood before him naked, but I didn’t let that clear away the genuine happiness that burned my cheeks.

  Thumbing through the keys in my hand, I searched for the one that fit in the front door to let the man out. But then Mallory gasped, and the blood in my veins turned to ice.

  There’s a distinct difference between the sound of someone taking a breath and that of sheer terror, even if you’d never heard it before.

  I froze, and the keys fell from my fingers, clamoring to the tile with far less sound than what echoed in my ears. However, even without her subtle warning, I would’ve eventually figured it out on my own…when I lifted my gaze and came face to face with the barrel of a black, steel handgun. At that moment, that was all I could focus on.

  Until he ordered, “Pick up the keys,” in a menacing, harsh tone.

  But when I closed my eyes to do as he commanded, heat consumed every cell of my body. Tingles danced along my skin, like someone had covered me in a fuzzy blanket. And once my heart rate slowed to a calming rhythm, I dropped to my knees.

  However, as the most reassuring peace cradled me like an infant, two thoughts continuously looped through my mind—Emma and Ash. Ash and Emma. Over and over again.

  Chapter Twelve

  Asher

  I’d spent the entire afternoon and evening looking at places to move my workshop. I needed to get it out of the garage, and I’d hoped to do so before summer. With time quickly running out, I wanted to get a head start at looking for options. Luckily, Dad would be home Friday to help me find something.

  I turned on the TV in the living room for background noise—the house was too quiet when I was home alone—and then sat at the kitchen table to study for my exams. Even though there were still four weeks until graduation, the seniors only had nine days left of school. After this week, we’d take our tests and be done.

  At one point in time, I’d looked forward to this moment. But without Kristy, my focus had changed. Now, I counted down the hours until I could move forward—get out on my own and really do something with myself. I’d spent three years preparing for this, and I couldn’t wait to go from building tables in a garage to installing some of the best woodwork anyone’s ever seen.

  Yet I wouldn’t get there until I passed these exams.

  I was halfway through my study guide when the TV caught my attention. Since my dad had been the last one to watch anything in the living room, the news was on, and if I’d had any interest in what program played while I studied, I would’ve changed it. Now, I was glad I hadn’t.

  Leaning to the side to see the screen from around the corner, I watched as the anchorman sat behind the news desk, discussing the bank that had been robbed earlier. And in the corner above his head was a picture of the building where Kristy worked. I found myself standing behind the couch, desperately fighting to pay attention to what was said, though I couldn’t retain any information. All I could think about was Kristy.

  If she’d been there when it happened.

  If she was okay.

  If. If. If.

  Unable to stand in front of the TV a second longer, I ran out of the house, across the yard, and up the steps to Kristy’s front porch without thinking to put on shoes. I rang the bell, then knocked. Then I pounded the solid wood with the side of my fist, prepared to kick down the door to make sure she was all right.

  What felt like hours later, Emma answered, standing in my way with a scowl. “What do you want, Ash?”

  “Is she here?”

  “Yeah, of course she is.” That was all I needed to hear.

  I pushed my way inside, ignoring her complaints and appalled tone. She could once again tell me how disgusting she thought I was after I checked on her mom. Right now, I didn’t care about anything other than Kristy; the rest of the world and their opinions could wait.

  Her bedroom door was closed, so that was the first place I went. The sound of her shower running filled the room as soon as I stepped in. I didn’t think about it, just put one foot in front of the other until I found her.

  She stood beneath the spray, shoulders hunched. Her hands had covered her red, splotchy face, but at the sound of the glass door sliding open, she lifted her head with a frightened gasp. And as soon as her bloodshot eyes met mine, the fear fell away.

  Instantly, her nose scrunched. She closed her eyes, and with a shudder, her shoulders hiccupped, and a strangled sob clawed its way to the surface. It was as though she’d held on tightly to the emotions following the events of today, and once she saw me, her will to stay strong vanished.

  I didn’t think twice before stepping under the water and wrapping her in my arms. I didn’t care that my clothes would get wet, or that I wasn’t supposed to be here. Barring death, nothing could’ve kept me from holding her, from bringing her comfort when she needed it most.

  Kristy grabbed my shirt, fisting the drenched material along my back, and buried her face in my chest. Her entire body trembled until her knees became too weak to hold her. She slid down the tile wall, dragging me to the shower floor with her, where she straddled my jean-covered thighs.

  This was the first time she’d ever held her naked body against me and I didn’t feel the need to worship her smooth, flawless skin. It was the first time she had her bare legs wrapped around my hips and sex never entered my mind. If I hadn’t already known I loved her, I would’ve realized it now. Had there been any question in my mind that our relationship had been strictly physical, this would’ve answered it.

  As I sat with her in my arms, my clothes soaking wet, I couldn’t think about anything other than taking away her pain and making her whole again. Even if that meant things would go back to the way they were between us. I would gladly go without ever again hearing her say my name, without ever feeling her lips on mine or seeing the gold flecks in her eyes. If it meant she was okay, I’d learn to live without my heart beating inside my chest.

  “Talk to me,” I begged into the crook of her neck, my voice shredded with agony and weak with helplessness. “What happened today?”

  Kristy clung to me tighter, cried harder, and shook her head.

  I wished I had taken a moment to assess her body before engulfing her in my arms—if only to see with my own eyes that she wasn’t harmed. “Just tell me you’re all right. That you’re not hurt. Please, at least give me that. The rest I can deal with.”

  Again, she shook her head, the only sounds she emitted were short gasps of air between garbled sobs. But the longer I gently stroked her back, grazing my fingertips along her spine, the more relaxed she became. Eventually, her breathing slowed and her cries quieted, just enough for her to whisper, “Every time I close my eyes, I see his gun in my face.”

  Hearing the panic in her voice as she told me the bastard had held a gun to her, I realized what pure, unadulterated wrath felt like. Blinding, violent anger coursed through me. It viciously furled in my chest until its fiery talons ripped apart my heart.

  “He…he had a gun?”

  She nodded, and then continued with tears distortin
g her strained voice. “I can’t make it go away. I couldn’t tell the cops much, because all I can remember is what the end of the gun looks like. Everything else is blurry.”

  I’d never experienced hatred this deep. I never thought it could be possible to feel this much hostility toward one person. Until now. Until I thought about what this man had done to Kristy.

  “It’s okay, babe. You’re all right.” I held her tighter, hoping she couldn’t feel the indignation that flooded my veins and fried my nerves.

  I pulled her to her feet and shut off the water that had now run cold. As I dried her, I carefully examined every inch of her body, ensuring she didn’t have so much as a scratch on her porcelain skin. And when I felt content that he hadn’t touched her, I led her into the bedroom, my sopping clothes leaving a trail behind me.

  I’d waited for Emma to storm in, make a scene, show herself the way she’d done for the last month, but she never did. The door remained closed while I pulled clothes from the dresser. The house remained silent as I slipped a T-shirt over Kristy’s head and lowered myself to my knees so she could step into a pair of panties. I managed to peel the wet denim from my legs and replace them with sweatpants I’d accidentally left behind, all without a single interruption. And after I had Kristy in bed, beneath the covers, I crawled in behind her, anticipating something from Emma.

  Yet nothing came.

  I tugged Kristy to my chest and wrapped my arms around her. It was meant to comfort her, to bring her peace and a sense of safety. However, she must’ve felt my own distress, because after we settled in, she consoled me in the only way she could…by opening up.

  “Do you believe in angels?” Hope filled her voice, causing me to release a little of the tension that coiled my muscles.

  “I don’t know. Why?”

  “I think I might’ve had one with me today.” Without waiting for my questions, she shared her experience, explaining the ordeal with surprising awe. She had me hooked to her every word as they became a visual slideshow in my mind. “It was so surreal, Ash. I’ve never felt anything like it—the calm that washed over me was almost eerie, and the warmth along my skin was out of this world. I probably sound crazy.”