Kiss My Ash

by Leddy Harper

  We’d shared much-needed time together last night, watching movies and bonding over ice cream. It had been too long since we’d opened up that much with each other, and part of me didn’t want her to leave. But she had to. She was supposed to have gone to her dad’s yesterday, yet with everything going on, he hadn’t objected to her need to stay with me—which likely wouldn’t have happened without Ash.

  “See you tomorrow,” I said as I lifted my hand to my brow, blocking the morning sun from my eyes. I didn’t typically stand outside and wave her off when she left for her weekends with her dad. Then again, she always left on Fridays before I returned from work. But this morning, I couldn’t find the strength to go inside before she drove away.

  And just as I turned to climb the steps to my porch, I was stopped by someone calling my name. His deep voice caused my heart to accelerate, but the second I glanced over my shoulder and noticed it was Will, not Ash, the beating stopped altogether.

  “Morning, Will.” I waved, hoping he would get in his car and leave.

  Unfortunately, that was not what happened.

  “I’m glad I caught you, Kristy.” He crossed the yard into my driveway and then followed me up the steps to my porch. With a hand out, he gestured to one of the chairs, taking a seat next to me once I sat down. “I might be overstepping here, but I was really hoping we could talk about you and Asher.”

  It seemed I wouldn’t be able to escape this, no matter how hard I tried to avoid the situation. First, it was Emma last night, wanting to discuss my relationship with our young neighbor. I’d attempted to change the subject, yet each time, she’d brought it right back to my feelings for Ash. Now, Will felt the need to bring it up—which was a hundred times more awkward than discussing this with my teenage daughter.

  “Uh, sure.” I wiped my sweaty palms on my jean shorts and stared at the deck.

  “Listen…I won’t lie; I’ve been aware of something going on between the two of you for quite some time. I never did or said anything about it, since I believed it was strictly physical, but after discussing it with Asher last night, I’ve discovered that it went beyond that.” He shifted in his seat, forcing me to look at him.

  The intensity of his stare made it difficult to turn away—it also increased my anxiety until my heart nearly tore through my chest. There was a chance my nerves would leave me bent over the railing, expelling anything and everything I had in my stomach. But I swallowed down the need to vomit and let him continue.

  “Regardless, I can’t do anything about it. I doubt I’ll ever fully understand what you two share, but I’m hoping I can at least get some insight on your end. I get why he fell for you. I guess I’m just struggling with your part in it. What could you possibly see in someone his age?”

  As much as I wanted to pry and ask why he hadn’t said anything before, I didn’t want to risk his answer being more than I could handle. So instead, I cleared my throat and prepared to give him as much of the truth as I could.

  “While I’m not blind to his actual age, it’s difficult to keep that in mind when I’m with him. He has the intellect of someone far older. Strangely, he’s someone I relate to, and because of that, a deeper, emotional relationship grew. I fell for the person he presented himself to be—the person he truly is regardless of how old he is. Trust me, if he acted his age, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

  For the first time since meeting him, Will seemed nervous. It was his turn to wipe his hands along his thighs, drying his palms on the pair of perfectly creased grey slacks that must’ve been tailormade. And if that wasn’t enough to give him away, he began to fidget with the knot in his tie.

  “I get that, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t change reality. He is eighteen. He hasn’t had a chance to live in the real world, to provide for himself let alone someone else. Have you thought about what it would be like if you two moved forward with this relationship? What that would mean for my son?”

  I swallowed harshly, hoping the tears would stay put long enough for this conversation to end. He didn’t need to see how deeply this affected me, nor did I care to give him that much insight into my feelings for Ash. I refused to let him intimidate me. “Every event in life is based on what could happen. You can either drown in the fears and what-ifs, disregard what you know in your gut is right, and move on…or you can give it a chance and see where it goes.”

  He stared off into the distance while nodding. Then he pulled himself to his feet, crossed the deck, and leaned against the railing. Facing me with his arms crossed over his chest, he continued. “I think—for me, at least—it would depend on how my decision would affect others. I agree that most things in life are up to chance, and you’ll never know until you try. But at the risk of someone else’s livelihood, I believe there needs to be a greater level of caution. Don’t you?”

  “Yes, I agree, which is why nothing has happened. I’ve only recently come to terms with my feelings for Ash. I realize a discussion is needed, but with everything going on, that hasn’t happened. I think we both fell into something we weren’t prepared for, and we’ve blindly navigated our way through it thus far.”

  I stood, although I didn’t move away from my chair.

  “I appreciate your concern, Will. Ash is lucky to have you in his corner. But the truth of the matter is…you’re under the impression that he and I have made a choice to carry on with a serious relationship when that’s not at all the case. All I can do is promise to take everything into consideration when deciding where to go from here—something we both have to do together.”

  Will slipped his hands into his pockets and nodded. With a tight grin, he moved closer to the steps. “Thank you, Kristy. I understand that ultimately, my opinion doesn’t matter. Nothing I do or say will change what the two of you choose to do. I just ask that you take his age into account…whether he acts it or not. He almost ruined his future once by being immature. The last thing I want to happen is for his future to fall apart because he’s too mature.”

  The irony was not lost on me.

  After Will left and I went inside, I spent most of the day contemplating what he’d said. I considered every valid point he’d made, and then I tried to play out every possible scenario in my head. By the time the sun met the horizon, I felt confident in what I had to do. I sent Ash a text, asking if he could come over, then I cleaned the kitchen while I waited.

  Less than five minutes later, a knock sounded at the back door. When I glanced over my shoulder, I caught sight of his smiling face through the glass panes. It was like the universe had swaddled me in a blanket, offering immediate comfort. The nerves and dread that had plagued me all day vanished, and I immediately began to doubt what I had to talk to him about.

  I opened the door, and before he stepped inside, I wrapped my arms around his neck, falling into him as if we hadn’t spent weeks apart. His hard, chiseled chest heated mine as I pressed my body against his. The short hairs along his jaw scraped the sensitive skin on my cheek, leaving behind the hedonistic burn I had missed so much. I could’ve spent hours holding him, breathing him in, wrapped up in his gentle masculinity.

  But once I pulled myself together, I released my hold on him and stepped out of his warm embrace. It took a moment to shake the desires, the thoughts, the security he’d offered with nothing more than a touch. This went beyond a physical reaction, which only made what I had to say so much harder.

  I resumed my place in front of the sink, hoping the dishes would occupy my hands and keep me from reaching out to him. Yet that didn’t stop him from moving closer—like a wild animal stalking its prey. Each deliberate step made it more difficult to breathe, and when his lips stretched into a sinful grin, I nearly gave in to what my heart wanted versus what my head told me I needed.

  “I see you’re in pajamas. Have you worn them all day?”

  I glanced down at the T-shirt and cotton shorts, even though I already knew what I had on. “Actually, I changed right before dinner, after
my bath. Earlier, I was in jean shorts and a tank top. I painted the railing on the front porch—wasn’t even inside. You should be proud of me.”

  He took my hips in his hands and turned me so that I faced him. “I’m always proud of you, babe.”

  That got to me—his calling me “babe” like he used to.

  With Ash this close, I didn’t need to do anything other than breathe normally to take in his scent. It was clean and fresh, that subtle mixture of soap, shampoo, deodorant, and cologne. I glanced up, taking note of his damp locks, confirming my suspicions. There was mischief written in his smile and a knowing twinkle in his eye.

  “I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?” I asked, assuming the answer before the question slipped off my tongue. “If you were heading out, I could’ve waited until you got back. You didn’t have to come straight over when I texted you.”

  He searched my eyes like he could read my thoughts or see into my soul. I wanted to close them, block him out, except I didn’t have the strength. More importantly, I didn’t have the desire.

  He pulled my body against his and then closed his eyes, dropping his forehead to mine. “I’ll always come when you call. Don’t you get that? Don’t you see how much you mean to me? Being here kills me, knowing we can’t be together. But I’ll spend every day knocking on your door if you ask me to. There’s nothing I won’t do for you, Kris.”

  That was like a dagger straight to my heart. I cleared my throat and took a step back, avoiding his eyes like the plague. “So…your dad came by this morning before leaving for the airport. We had an interesting chat.” I grabbed the drying towel and a dish, busying myself while I spoke. “Care to tell me how he knows about us?”

  Ash shrugged and then leaned against the counter with his attention set on me. “It was a surprise to me, too. I have no idea how he figured it out, or why he never said anything. But it doesn’t matter, because he doesn’t care.”

  It made me wonder what kind of conversation they’d had regarding our relationship. Will had admitted that there wasn’t anything he could do about it, although he’d expressed legitimate concern over the matter. Either their talk had been slightly different than ours, or Ash had heard what he wanted and ignored the rest.

  “It still would’ve been nice to know,” I argued. “He kind of caught me off guard this morning. I was totally unprepared for it.”

  “He said something to me last night when you were with Emma. What was I supposed to do, call until you answered? You’ve made it abundantly clear that you don’t want me contacting you. I’m trying to play by the rules here, so please don’t be upset with me for not immediately running to you the second I found out that my dad has known all along. Again, he doesn’t care, so I didn’t feel it was urgent. How was I supposed to know he’d say something to you?”

  I held onto the edge of the island in the hopes it would keep me from doing or saying something I shouldn’t. Endless questions ran through my head, concerns filling me with anxiety. All I wanted to do was go to him, feel his arms around me again, breathe in his scent and let it take me away to a place where our problems didn’t exist.

  But I couldn’t do that.

  I’d ignored the barriers between us long enough, which was what had landed us here in the first place. Pretending they didn’t exist wouldn’t help the situation. It’d only make it worse. And no matter how badly I wished we could carry on as if there was nothing wrong with us being together, that wasn’t an option. I had to face it, whether I wanted to or not.

  I closed my eyes, unsure of how to proceed. I’d had it all planned out in my head when I asked him to come over, but now that he was here, my mind was all over the place. The words I knew I had to say wouldn’t come, and the pain I’d prepared myself to feel ended up being worse than I had anticipated.

  Before I could reply, he carefully held my arm and pulled me away from the kitchen. “Come on,” he whispered, leading me toward the living room. Once we were seated on the couch, turned toward one another, he leaned forward with his elbows on his thighs. “It’s obvious you have something to say…so say it.”

  The ache in his voice choked me. The agony in his eyes crushed me. And the sorrow marring his face called to me, drawing me out of my seat and leading me to the edge of the coffee table. I sat directly in front of him where I could cradle his face in my hands. I’d been led to this position before, marking the turning point in our relationship. It was where I’d given in, closed my eyes, and took a leap into the unknown.

  And I was about to do it again.

  Disregarding everything I’d told myself I needed to say, I opened my mouth and admitted the one truth I’d never come back from. “Despite everything, I can’t deny how I feel about you. I love you, and no matter what I do, I can’t make it go away.”

  He didn’t waste a single second consuming my mouth with his. His lips had never tasted better; his palms on my heated skin had never felt as good. There were so many things we needed to discuss, but nothing seemed as important as being with him.

  I broke the kiss long enough to plead, “Make love to me, Ash.”

  He held my gaze for a moment, trying to read the sincerity in my eyes. But it didn’t matter if he stared at me for a hundred years, the certainty would never wane. I needed him in a way I’d never had him before. We’d had sex more times than I could count, in more ways than I could remember, but while the emotions and passion were always there, I couldn’t definitively say that any of them could’ve counted as making love. The slow, hypnotic connection of two people whose hearts bled for the other.

  I was well aware that this would be my one and only opportunity to experience that.

  Ash didn’t ask questions—didn’t give me the chance to change my mind. He quickly stood and lifted me in his arms. My legs wound around his waist as he carried me to my room. So much about this reminded me of our first time, making this even more emotional. There was a good chance this would be our last time together. It was as though we had come full circle.

  Rather than toss me onto the bed, he climbed up the mattress without letting me go. And instead of ripping our clothes off like he’d done countless times before, it became a gradual removal, one piece at a time, until we eventually connected without anything between us.

  It wasn’t a race, no finish line in sight. He drew it out as if realizing how this would end. Each stroke pulled more and more emotion from me until I thought I would combust. Maybe he did know…and he used our bodies to convince me to stay. Maybe he figured if he could prove to me that this was real, I wouldn’t leave. Either that, or he wanted me to remember just how much he loved me, so when this did end, I would have no question in my mind what I had given up.

  He made my body sing the most beautiful ballad, harmonizing with his until we created a chorus worthy of the most powerful love song. Each touch carefully strummed my soul to life. Every kiss hit the perfect note in my heart. And as the crescendo of my ecstasy increased, his raspy voice carried me the rest of the way until I danced in his arms. My cries of passion played around us as I gave in to the beat of his heart, the pace of his breaths, and the tempo of his every move as we came together.

  Panting wildly, Ash rolled onto his back, pulling me with him until I curled into his side. My head lifted with each frantic breath he took while his heartbeat echoed in my ear. His fingers drifted along my shoulder, and no matter how tightly I closed my eyes, I couldn’t ignore the reason I’d asked him over.

  Except, I wasn’t ready yet.

  “Stay the night with me,” I murmured against his bare chest.

  “What time is Emma coming home tomorrow?”

  “It doesn’t matter.” I nearly cringed at what I was about to say, knowing this would likely set us up for the talk I wasn’t ready to have. “She told me last night that if you made me happy, she would find a way to accept it.”

  His grip on me grew tighter. He didn’t have to say the words to let me know how happy that had made him. If only he kn
ew the punishing blow that would soon follow. “I knew she’d come around.”

  “It doesn’t matter, though. We can’t be together—it’s not right.”

  He stilled, his fingers frozen in place along the top of my arm. Then he shifted so that I lay on my back while he raised himself onto his elbow, practically hovering over me. “What do you mean? Emma’s okay with it, my dad doesn’t care, so why are you fighting it?”

  I traced the lines of his face with my nails, warring with the tears that stabbed the backs of my eyes. “Timing is everything, Ash. And right now, it’s all wrong.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “You’re about to embark on your first true year of adulthood. I know you think it’ll be easy since you’ve pretty much lived alone for a while now. But if anything, that’s given you a false sense of independence. There are so many things you have to figure out on your own, and being in a relationship with me will only hinder you—or worse, enable you.”

  He tucked his chin and blew out a harsh breath that slammed against my chest. “Is that what my dad told you today?” When his eyes met mine, I was silenced by the absolute desperation in the depths of rich brown. “That’s why you asked me to come over? To tell me we can’t be together because there’s a chance I won’t know what to do with myself once I leave my dad’s house?”

  “No. I mean…yes, but not the way you’re making it sound.”

  “Then please, explain it to me, Kristy.”

  I ran my fingers through his hair, hoping it would calm him down just enough to hear what I had to say. “If we have any chance of having something strong enough to withstand all the hurdles that will undoubtedly come our way, we can’t chance there being anything in front of us to start. You said so yourself…I don’t know who I am without Emma. And you’ve never had to completely depend on yourself, let alone have anyone else depend on you. We need to tackle those obstacles first if we ever expect to beat everything else we can’t control.”

  Understanding lined his eyes, though it was obvious he didn’t want to admit it.