Kiss My Ash

by Leddy Harper

  “Ash, think about it…neither one of us has ever been in love before. Don’t you think it’s worth it to take some time to make sure that’s what this is between us? I don’t think you understand how damaging it can be for you if we aren’t careful.”

  He fell onto his back again, yet this time, he didn’t pull me to him.

  It was my turn to push onto my elbow and stare down into his eyes. “We only need some time to prove to ourselves that we aren’t reliant on the other, and that we are capable of being independent people who happen to love each other. You want to do something with yourself, so do it. I need to find out who I am outside of being a mother. There’s nothing wrong with getting our ducks in a row before making the decision to be together.”

  “Just a break…right? To get our ducks in a row?”

  I shrugged, taking a moment to answer. “Providing we’re right about how we feel, then yeah. But I don’t think we should make any decisions until that time comes.”

  “And what time might that be?”

  Settling into his side, I draped my arm over his chest. “When it feels right.”

  * * *

  I’d never felt more broken than I did waking up alone the next morning. I knew I’d hurt him with what I said, evident in the way he’d barely spoken the rest of the night. So, the fact that he’d snuck out before I woke up didn’t surprise me, yet it killed me all the same.

  However, the silence that followed hurt even worse.

  A week later, I came home to a moving truck in his driveway, and when I tried to gain his attention, he acted like he didn’t see me. Taking the hint for what it was, I refrained from reaching out. It was clear I’d hurt him more than I had assumed, and at this point, there wasn’t much I could do.

  A few days later, I found a small box on my front porch. The sight alone brought me to tears before opening it. I didn’t need to read the card to know it was from Ash, or that he’d remembered my birthday. But what had hurt more than anything, was that I couldn’t share it with him the way he’d shared his day with me last year.

  Again…my bed, and I had to lie in it.

  I just hated how easy it seemed for him to pretend I wasn’t alive, while I did nothing but think of him on a daily basis. In fact, Emma had even started to side with Ash, saying it was ridiculous to put myself through this when I knew we’d get back together in the end. If it were that simple, I would’ve gone straight to his house and knocked on his door. But Will had been right—I needed to think of Ash and how a relationship with me wasn’t what he needed right now.

  Even if it was what I needed.

  The morning of his graduation, I caught Will outside, heading to his car in his usual business suit and polished shoes. “Morning, Will,” I called out, crossing the yard to stop him before he left. “Congratulations on getting your son through high school. You must be so proud.”

  He nodded with an infectious grin, much like the one I had grown used to seeing on Ash’s face. “Yes, very. Feels like not too long ago I questioned if this day would ever come. Can’t say I’ve ever been prouder of him.”

  “I noticed his car hasn’t been here. Do you happen to know if he’ll be back before the ceremony today? I got him a little something, and I would love to give it to him.”

  He cocked his head and studied me for a second, as if I should’ve known something and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t. “Uh, no. Asher won’t be here today. But I’ll tell him you stopped by.”

  All I could do was nod and slowly back away. Will’s entire demeanor seemed odd, yet I wasn’t sure what it meant. It was clear there was something I hadn’t been privy to when it came to Ash and his absence from the house. I just wished I knew what it was—or that he would’ve told me.

  I’d assumed he had only cleared out the garage, moving his shop somewhere else. Although, I couldn’t help but think it was more than that.

  He’d left and never told me.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Asher

  The auditorium was packed, filled with spectators celebrating with their loved ones. Somewhere out there was my mom and dad—though likely not together. And I wasn’t sure, but I doubted my stepdad came, which was fine with me.

  After the speeches, we walked across the stage, accepted our diplomas, and switched the tassel from one side of our caps to the other. All the while, I couldn’t wait for this to be over. I hadn’t wanted to come, but it was a big deal for my parents, so I gave in and participated. Just knowing I was officially out of high school was all I needed to satisfy myself, but if they wanted the photo op and memories, I couldn’t take that from them.

  Not after all I’d put them through.

  At the end, we all took off the cardboard hats with the tassels that had cost a ridiculous amount of money and tossed them into the air, undoubtedly getting back someone else’s. Again, it was a tradition important to someone—just not me.

  As I made my way out of the crowd, I spotted my dad. His face lit up when he noticed me. Beside him was my mother, tears lining her cheeks just like I’d expected. They seemed far too excited for me, which made me smile, regardless of how absurd this entire thing was. It made them happy. That was all I needed.

  “We have reservations at Luciano’s Pizza. Did you want to follow us, or just meet us there?” Leave it to Dad to pick my favorite pizza joint to celebrate. Most of the other families probably planned to dine at a fancy establishment, or at the very least, some place quieter. Not us, though.

  I glanced between him and Mom, wondering if I had missed something. “Just the three of us?”

  “Yeah,” Dad said with his gaze narrowed, as if he didn’t understand why I’d ask.

  Mom’s lips trembled as she forced a smile, her emotions still rampant. “Is that okay, Asher? Your father and I thought it might be nice if we all shared this moment together. I mean, you are our son and all.”

  “Yeah, I get that, Mom. And I’m totally fine with it. I guess I’m just surprised to see you two get along and actually want to spend time together.” I shouldn’t rock the boat. The fact that they weren’t at each other’s throats was a gift in and of itself. Granted, Mom was crying, though I doubted that had anything to do with Dad.

  “Oh, before I forget…” Dad leaned forward, lowered his tone the tiniest bit, and added, “Kristy came by the house today. She said she had something for you. Did you not tell her that you moved?”

  After finishing my last exam at school, I had gone straight to the apartment complex and signed a lease on my first place. From there, I’d met my dad at the office for the warehouse we’d found together, and I signed the paperwork to rent space there, too. The following day, Dad and I took my tools and wood to my new work area. Then I’d spent the next week slowly moving things to my new apartment while filling it with what little furniture I needed—all without saying a word to Kristy.

  She’d made it clear that I needed to be an adult and do things on my own, which I had already been in the middle of doing. The last thing I wanted was to explain my plans to her and make it look like I’d only done those things because she’d told me to. Not to mention, I wanted to have all my “ducks in a row” before going to her.

  “Thanks, Dad. I think I’ll just meet you guys at Luciano’s. What time is the reservation?”

  Mom smiled with tears glistening in her eyes while Dad checked his watch. “Not until six. It’s barely five now, so you can go hang out with your friends for a little bit if you want.”

  I laughed to myself and clapped him on the shoulder. He still couldn’t accept the fact that I didn’t have many friends, and of those I did have, they hadn’t graduated with me today. They were older, and most of them had bought furniture from me. But that was neither here nor there. “Thanks, Dad. What are you going to do in the meantime?”

  To my surprise, he placed his hand on Mom’s lower back and glanced at her for a moment. “We’ll probably get there early and share a drink at the bar while we wait for you. Jus
t shoot me a text when you’re on your way.”

  Rather than ask, I simply nodded and walked away. I couldn’t help but wonder if Mom’s tears were more than her emotional overload at the fact that her son—her only child—had officially become an adult. Although, that would have to wait.

  I had something more pressing to deal with.

  With slightly under an hour before I had to meet my parents for dinner, I was pretty much in a race against time. There was a dollar store I needed to raid, a doorbell I had to press, and a woman I had to win over. In that order.

  Luckily, the summer rack at the corner shop had what I needed, so I filled a bag with the rubber toys and then made a beeline to my old neighborhood. My palms grew moist as I knocked, and then my heart raced as I backed down the steps to her porch, waiting for her to answer.

  The moment she opened the door and stood in front of me, my breathing stopped. She was so damn beautiful I couldn’t admire her and remember to suck in air at the same time. It was like every brain cell stopped and focused on just how stunning she was—hair piled in a mess atop her head, pink cheeks being the only color on her face, and the golden flecks in her eyes as bright as the first day we met.

  “Ash…” My name was nothing more than a whisper, yet it sounded like a prayer. “W-what are you doing here? What about your graduation?”

  “Been there. Done that. Got the tassel to prove it.”

  Her shoulders quivered with the slight humor that rolled through her, curling her lips just before she dropped her chin to hide it from me. It was as though she didn’t want me to see her happiness, and for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why.

  “My dad said you came by today?”

  She lifted her gaze, the grin still lingering on her lips. “Yeah. I picked up something for you. It’s small—nothing worth you coming all the way over here to get. I just thought if you were around… Speaking of which, he appeared to be a little confused when I had asked if you would be home before the ceremony.”

  “Yeah. That’s one of the things I came to tell you.” I reached into the bag and pulled out the first rubber duck. Setting it on the top step, I said, “I graduated high school. Although, I don’t have the certificate…they’re mailing those. But, I have an empty diploma holder waiting to be filled.” With a smile, I grabbed another and set it behind the first. “I have a place to build my furniture and conduct business that isn’t in my father’s garage. So far, I’ve been able to get three tables started without running out of room to move around or store anything.”

  She stepped to the side and leaned against the panel next to the door, her fingertips covering her parted lips. Yet she didn’t interrupt, just stood there and watched as I continued to pull rubber ducks out of the plastic bag and set them along the step a few feet from her.

  “I got my own apartment. There’s not much in it at the moment, but I don’t need a lot. I have a recliner, a TV, my bed and dresser, and a few things in the kitchen to get me through meals. However, I don’t want anything more, because one day, I want us to get a place together, so the more I have in my small apartment, the more I’ll eventually have to get rid of.”

  “Ash, that’s—”

  “I didn’t say right now. You still have Emma living with you for at least another year, and I have a business to get off the ground. So when I say one day, I don’t mean tomorrow. There are twelve months on my lease. We have time, babe.”

  She nodded and waited for the remaining ducks in the bag.

  “I have a registered business name”—another duck, followed by one more—“and I’m officially certified with the county to practice carpentry…unlicensed of course, but that’s only temporary. Once I can take the exam and pass, I’ll be licensed.” I held up the last duck. “That’s what this one’s for. I know you said we had to have them all in a row, but since this one isn’t far behind, it’ll have to do.”

  A tear slipped down her cheek just as a hiccup caught in her throat. I wanted to go to her, but she held up her hand, holding me off until she could get out what she needed to say. “That’s amazing, Ash. I’m really proud of you. But what about me? I still don’t know who I am other than Emma’s mom.”

  Ignoring the rubber bath toys on the top step and the hand she continued to hold out, I went to her. I cradled her face in my palms and wiped away the uncertainty that fell from her eyes with my thumbs. “Find that out with me. I realize you and I don’t have the slightest clue how relationships work, or what it’s like to be in love. But that doesn’t mean we can’t figure it out together.”

  “How am I supposed to discover who I am when so much of my life is consumed by you?”

  “The same way I do. The same way everyone does. I want you to find out what makes you happy, but not if it means you learn that without me. I refuse to let us grow apart instead of growing together. I promise to cheer you on, to support anything you want to try while rehabilitating the part of you that has been stuck on pause all these years. I already told you, Kris…I found her. I pressed play. At the very least, let me watch her live. Can you give me that?”

  “I…I don’t know.”

  If she wanted to fight, fine.

  But I wouldn’t make it easy on her.

  I silenced her with a kiss, denying her need to argue. If there was one thing I was sure of, my lips could remind her of all the things she tried to ignore. She couldn’t negate anything while I had her in my arms. And if that meant I had to hold her and kiss her until she relented, then so be it. I was young…I could outlast her any day of the week.

  “You said when it feels right. Nothing has ever felt more right, babe. Tell me I’m wrong.”

  She sighed and fisted the front of my pressed, button-down shirt, wrinkling it with her desperation. “I would be doing you a disservice by giving in.”

  “I’m begging you to be with me. How do you figure giving me that is a disservice?”

  “I’m aware you don’t act your age—you don’t talk or react like someone who just finished high school, and you certainly don’t see the future the same as your peers. You’re eighteen going on thirty-five. As much as I appreciate and love that about you…it doesn’t actually mean you are thirty-five. Or twenty-five. Or hell, even twenty. There’s so much left for you to do before you consider settling down with someone.”

  When her sad eyes met mine, I saw the truth. The war was clear; her alliance was obvious. These weren’t her words, but those of my father. Somehow, I was able to keep a level head long enough to ask, “What exactly did my dad say to you a few weeks ago? What was it that he said that made you think with your head and not your heart?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Closing my eyes, I dropped my forehead to hers. “You know exactly what I’m talking about, Kris. He had questioned me the night before, making sure I knew what I was getting myself into by being with you—or more accurately, any older woman. So, I’m not stupid enough to think he didn’t ask you the same, making an issue of my age. So…what was it?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  My hands fell to her hips. I pulled her closer to my body and smiled against her mouth. “You’re right. It doesn’t matter. Because whatever he told you, whatever question he asked or guilt he tried to lay at your feet is irrelevant. The only thing that has any bearing on us is how we feel—what we want.”

  She shook her head and gently pushed against my chest. “Ash—”

  “I love you, Kristy. I’ve never denied that. I want to be with you…something else I’ve never kept hidden. It hasn’t changed, no matter what we’ve gone through. You can push me away a thousand more times, and it won’t stop me from loving you. It won’t keep me from wanting to be with you. So, you can either ignore what my dad told you and accept it now, or deal with me showing up everywhere until you’re too tired to fight anymore.”

  Defeat darkened her eyes as she lowered her gaze, a sigh slamming into me like a wrecking ball. “What about
Emma?”

  “What about her?”

  “Have you thought about what being with me actually means? Let’s just say we get married…that would make you her stepdad. And when she has children, that would mean you’d be their grandfather. Think about it, Ash. I doubt you’ve even considered all that.”

  I licked my lips and waited for her undivided attention. “I have no desire to be Emma’s parent. Just as I’m sure she isn’t interested in that happening. But if the day comes when you’re my wife, and she has a family of her own, you better be damn sure I’ll be the coolest fucking grandpa any kid could have.”

  “That doesn’t freak you out?”

  “Babe…” I grabbed her hands and held them between us. “The only thing that freaks me out is living without you. Other than that, I can deal with anything. I’m ready to jump those hurdles with you by my side. As long as we’re together, it doesn’t matter what obstacles are thrown our way—I’ll knock them all down and then carry you over the wreckage.”

  “This is what you really want?”

  “No.” I lowered my mouth to hers. “You are what I really want.”

  * * *

  Walking into Luciano’s, I found my dad immediately. He sat next to my mom at a booth, close enough no one would guess they had spent the last eleven years apart—they also would have no idea that my mom was currently married to another man.

  Dad pulled himself to his feet by the time I reached the table. Shaking his hand, I made eye contact with him, and then I turned toward my mom, offering her a gentle grin, happy to see the tears had faded and contentment had replaced the upset.

  “Dad…Mom…” I glanced between the two of them and took one small step to the side. “I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Kristy Richards.”

  Squeezing her hand, I watched for any sign of hesitation or a cue that she might try to hide. To my surprise, she did neither. Instead, she smiled at my dad and nodded to my mom in greeting. She acted as if this wasn’t the least bit odd—being on a date, holding my hand in public, and meeting my parents like we were no different than any other couple.