Everybody Curses, I Swear!

by Carrie Keagan

  Being up on that stage in the Indigo Ballroom and looking out into the sea of cosplayers always gets me thinking. If there can be a Disneyland, there can most certainly be a Comic-Conville! The Con is, actually, the happiest place on earth, and I see it on all of the fans’ faces. Whenever I can, I try to hang with my wonderful amazeballs fans and take a few pictures. They are the greatest! I’m a very lucky girl!

  I have taken the endless walks from hall to hall. I have navigated the insanely crowded red carpets and engaged in impromptu celebrity interviews while standing in line for the women’s restroom. I have survived that smell you can taste that fills the exhibit halls. You know, the smell that can only occur when you jam a hundred thousand people into a space intended for only ten thousand. I’ve attend all the super-secret, by-invitation-only parties where the only way to get in is to be on a list where they can never find your name. Fortunately, I always bring Ben Franklin as my plus-one. He can talk his way into anything!

  I danced with my horror hero Bruce Campbell at Comic-Con! I discussed imagination chubbies with James Cameron. I nibbled on Emma Stone, had an arm-flexing battle with Mark Wahlberg, and examined the phallic nature of their spaceship Destiny with the cast of Stargate Universe. I’ve spent every night barhopping through the Gaslamp Quarter like it was Halloween only to end up partying to exhaustion with celebrities who are too busy having fun to realize that they’re actually down there working … also, I don’t think they knew who was in the Chewbacca costume.

  “I’m not saying that I made it up (I did), but I felt there was a new word that this film merited in the lexicon, which is Jizz-ney. The greatest Jizz-ney Tron-sucking film.”

  —Michael Sheen

  I come back every year because this is where I find my joy. These are my people. This is where I feel normal, even when I just happen to be clothed in head-to-toe latex body paint. That’s the secret of Comic-Con because as much as it’s a celebrity maze and a studio-driven commercial marketplace, it’s still really about the people, and the fans getting close to the celebrities and shows they idolize. Those who travel from all over the world and spend their hard-earned money just to tap into the pure joy that is Comic-Con. Remember that smell you can taste I mentioned earlier … well, it’s actually joy that emanates from an amazing group of people dedicating their blood, sweat, tears, passion, and love for four days to take it all in and have the most amazing time of their lives. I’m proud to stand with this geekalicious bunch!

  My not-so-secret survival tip is to prepare as one would for the zombie apocalypse: recording device, comfy footwear, bottled water (which can be vodka disguised as Smartwater, but you didn’t hear that from me), hand sanitizer and/or wet wipes, and protective garments, but seeing as how your costume probably already gives you super powers, you should be fine. The only way to avoid the wrath of the CON is to understand the art of the CON. Work hard, party harder! There will be no rest for the wicked!!

  Here’s what a typical magnificent day for me at Comic-Con might look like:

  7 A.M.: Wake up, drink mimosa(s), and eat croissant(s) shaped like the Millennium Falcon.

  7:30 A.M.: Cover myself in liquid latex head to toe, or a skintight superhero costume, preferably white.

  8 A.M.: Pack bag with a recording device, vodka-spiked water, and hand sanitizer, and head to convention center.

  8:30 A.M.: Spot cosplayers in assless chaps and body paint and double-check that I haven’t accidentally stumbled into a fetish convention.

  9 A.M.: Fight over premium seat with a Bioshock Infinite steampunk kid at The X-Files Q&A with David Duchovny (Mulder) and Gillian Anderson (Scully).

  10 A.M.: Stalk Gravity star Sandra Bullock as she walks the floor, looking for free swag.

  11 A.M.: Host “Comedy Legends of TV Land” panel starring Roseanne, Wayne Knight (Newman from Seinfeld), and—drum roll, please—William “Captain Kirk” Shatner. Become friends with “Bill.” Hanging with William Shatner is like being Buddy the Elf with Santa Claus. I kept saying to myself, I know him! I know him! Then, almost faint when the king of Comic-Con tweets me.

  12 P.M.: Get attacked by an animatronic Godzilla in a warehouse converted into a theme park.

  1 P.M.: Attend The Hunger Games cast panel. Dive under chair when I mistake thunderous applause for Jennifer Lawrence for a 9.0 earthquake.

  2 P.M.: Get lost in The Vampire Diaries’ Ian Somerhalder’s hypnotic blue eyes. Forget to take selfie with him. Slap selfie in face and scream, “You panty waist!” throughout the day.

  2:45 P.M.: Pose in front of Carrie movie poster and hope everyone sees. Make it my profile pic and post on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, Vine, Snapchat, LinkedIn, Flickr, Tinder, and Classmates.com.

  3 P.M.: Loosen James Cameron up, then sit back and let him explain what the MF stands for in the HMFIC embroidered on his baseball cap (Spoiler alert! It’s not Mezzo Forte).

  4 P.M.: Drink whiskey with Ben Foster, who stealthily smuggled it into the convention center.

  5 P.M.: Dress up as Princess Allura from Voltron. You don’t have to ask me twice.

  6 P.M.: Take pedicab to the first of thirty parties all happening at the same time. Scream-sing like a drunk white girl, “There ain’t no party like a Comic-Con party because a Comic-Con party REFUSES TO STOP!”

  7 P.M.: Attend Game of Thrones party. Smash chalices with the cast. Try to accidentally bump into Jason Momoa.

  8 P.M.: Party with Aubrey Plaza and Rachel Bilson at Maxim and Playboy shindigs, and fight off drunken fanboys with liquid courage and more hands than the Watcher in the Water.

  9 P.M.: Sip fairy blood with True Blood star Ryan Kwanten at makeshift Fangtasia club. Remember to take pic. Post and make people jealous.

  10 P.M.: Corner Joss Whedon at The Walking Dead bash and give him my horror script, Helen Killer.

  11 P.M.: Stuff my face with cake at Supernatural star Jared Padalecki’s birthday bash.

  12 A.M.: Try not to get trampled at the Superman party, which is so packed that I get five anonymous butt-feels. Hope at least one was Henry Cavill.

  1 A.M.: End night with fierce game of Pokémon in a smoky room at the Hard Rock Hotel. Lose shirt. Use your imagination.

  In true NGTV style, when we first covered Comic-Con, we didn’t know what we were doing (next time we bought our own sheets at Kmart to bring to the only fleabag motel we could afford), but what we lacked in knowledge we made up for in tenacity. The first year, Kourosh, Ken, and I did about 150 interviews in three days. You know why? Because if our fans couldn’t make it, we wanted them to feel like they were there. Even if I couldn’t talk, walk, or breathe for a week afterward, damn straight I was going to sprint three miles to get that last Robert Downey Jr. Iron Man 2 interview. That’s the sacrifice I’m willing to make for my art, and it’s worth every blister and toe-mangling disfiguration!

  The best thing about the geek franchises is that there truly is a special relationship between fans and stars. The celebs know what they’re signing up for when they agree to do it, so they’re willing to go the extra mile to connect with their uber-fans!

  I like to pretend all interviews are created equal, but the truth is I probably put some extra special sauce on the fanboy ones because I’m one of them. Besides, whenever I get a superhero, vampire, werewolf, YA-novel heroine, or geek icon to curse, it sends ripples the size of tidal waves through the geek-o-sphere. It gets dissected a thousand times over and disseminated globally in a celebration that feels like the Fourth of July! See why I feel so connected! So I work hard to really give them what they (I) want—which is to see their heroes as human beings they’d love to kick back with and have a beer.

  I mean where else are they going to go to see David “I wrote the best DC movies” Goyer have a fictional casting session for The Dark Knight Rises where Eddie Murphy ends up playing the Riddler but in white face just like when he did it on SNL? Genius! Or Edward James “Frakin’” Olmos cussing up a storm before revealing that his char
acter Admiral William Adama in the latest incarnation of Battlestar Galactica was an ancestor of Gaff, his character in Blade Runner! Or Tim Burton discussing how when he’s a producer on a film someone else is directing, like on 9, he sees his job as the guy to slap around and beat up studio executives who are interfering with the director’s vision!

  Where else would you turn for a master class from directors Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez and actress Rose McGowan on the importance of the word “fuck” in a grindhouse movie and how to say it right?

  Me: How important is the “fuck” word to a grindhouse movie?

  Quentin: OH HELL … very … very important!

  Rose: Fuck fuck!

  Robert: It’s fucking ridiculous!

  Rose: The word “fuck” is very important. Quentin and Robert both have a love for the way I say it.

  Me: (To Q and R:) [Rose] does say “fuck” really well, doesn’t she?!

  Robert: Really well!

  Rose: They both decided that they love how I have “—ck” on things.

  Quentin: Rose knows how to use the “—ck.” Right? She can really pull out the “—ck.”

  Rose: Everyone would come running in, “Oooh, oh, oh, I have a change; I have a change to your line.” Okay what? “We want you to say ‘fuck’ another time here at the beginning and then here at the end.”

  Robert: ’Cause I liked how she said “fuck” so I had the character say that, “I like the way you say ‘fuck.’”

  Rose: Fuck. Fuck!

  Me: “Cunt” is probably a great word coming out of her mouth!

  Quentin: Actually she says that very good!

  Robert: She says that very good.

  Quentin: “Cocksucker” she’s very good at.

  Rose: Cocksucking …

  Quentin: He ran with “fuck,” I ran with “cocksucker,” and she just nails it! (Doing an impression of Rose impersonating him:) “Quentin likes the way I say ‘cocksucker.’”

  Rose: Well, it’s a good rhythm. He knows rhythm.

  Quentin: It’s a great fuckin’ movie, all you cunts—come out and see it!

  Who else would have the real lowdown on Pacific Rim? Director Guillermo del Toro described his film as robot porn before screaming, “Fuck that shit,” while laughing so hard about all the rimjob jokes he was responsible for that he’s now sore. Here’s Sons of Anarchy star Charlie Hunnam and Luther star Idris Elba talking about double penetration and answering the most important question:

  Me: If the Jaegers are defending the rim, does that mean the Kaiju is defending the taint?

  Idris: Well … yeah!

  Charlie: Or attacking the taint! Coming out of the taint to attack the sphinct and we are the Rim God!

  Idris: (Laughing.)

  Me: Nice! We’re putting that on the poster. You know that’s going to happen!

  Charlie: Good. Good!

  Me: (Acting like myself:) I am a Rim God!!

  Charlie: Yeah … (Realizing I didn’t understand him.) Guard. GUARD!

  Me: Oh … Guard! Oh!

  Charlie: But God. I never really thought about that. Rim God!

  Me: I like it better!

  Idris: (Turning to Charlie:) Now you are going to be considered a rim rod for the rest of your life, bro! That’s pretty badass!

  Charlie: PSSH! Don’t call this a comeback. I’ve been here for years! (Looks like Charlie likes himself some LL Cool J.)

  Hard to imagine now, but when the first Twilight came out, the cast was all a bunch of unknowns, and there was a possibility it’d be a huge flop. Remember The Mortal Instruments? Exactly. It can happen to anyone. Kristen Stewart had been in Panic Room with Jodie Foster, and Robert Pattinson had a small recurring role in Harry Potter, but Twihards were furious he’d been chosen to play Edward. It was like when Tom Cruise was cast as Lestat for Interview with the Vampire. I think I actually cried. Brad Pitt? Fine. Tom Cruise? I’m out—fuck all of you!

  The studio was very enthusiastic about us sitting down with these extremely attractive youngsters. At first, we discussed doing an In Bed With with Rob and Kristen because the first time they met was in director Catherine Hardwicke’s bed. She made the pair do a “chemistry reading” to get the parts, which meant making out passionately even though they’d never met. According to lore, Rob’s kiss was so boom-chicka-boom, Hardwicke didn’t even show it to the studio execs for fear that it was too risqué and they wouldn’t get the parts. Likewise, after some back and forth, we ditched the In Bed With idea because Twilight was a YA novel aimed at a younger audience, and it could seem a tad inappropriate. In hindsight, not getting those two in the sack with me is one of my bigger career regrets. Oh, what could have been!

  Turns out, I didn’t need to get horizontal with Rob and Kristen for a great interview. Back then, they were so open and not even self-aware at all. They were just a bunch of kids being themselves. They knew this movie would either make them the next Bieber or it’d be the last thing they ever did. They had nothing to lose. KStew, who sometimes seems uncomfortable, was anything but; she was totally down-to-earth and more than okay talking about how she loved objectifying the shirtless boys in the film, and more important, vampire sex:

  Me: I think that parents should change their minds a little bit about their daughters dating vampires—the chance of your daughter having sex is probably zero.

  Kristen: Yeah, it’s true. ’Cause they’re, like, impotent.

  Me: It just takes forever to even get close. So you’ll be, like, thirty before you even actually have sex with him, if you could. So I’m gonna start this petition that vampires should be okay.

  Kristen: Yeah, it’s perfect for the Catholic schoolgirl.

  Me: Now, because this is a vampire movie, is it fair to say this film totally sucks?

  Kristen: Yeah, yeah. You are so unoriginal, by the way. That’s been said a million times.

  Me: Ah, come on! And here I was thinking of that all day! Since this film is now the biggest thing on the planet, have you run into some crazy people?

  Kristen: Rob’s got the good stories. He has people just, like, chillin’ in front of his house. I get sort of the opposite. There are occasions where a girl walks up and the look of disdain on her face is overwhelming.

  Me: Just because they’re jealous of you!?

  Kristen: Yeah! Yeah! Totally! It’s like they want to convey, “Look, I know you think you’re great because all of this great stuff is happening to you, but we all know differently … and Edward DOESN’T love you.”

  Me: Oh YES HE DOES! Tell them something that will make them feel better.

  Kristen: I’m sorry?

  Rob, in all his tousled-haired glory, was equally great. The Twi-highlight of his interview was him admitting vampire sex is “the best type of sex. It’s sex where you end up killing the person afterward.” For the second film, New Moon, it was anything-goes again with the cast, and they took full advantage of their freedom. Rob, that sexy scallywag, drank tea with his pinky finger in the air while saying, “Fuck that!” and admitted that Kristen dictated the sex scenes: “I’m just the big hard tool.” I also did raucous interviews with the vampires and the wolf boys. Arh-wooooooooooooo!

  Me: So I feel like this is the ultimate showdown of the ultimate VILF and the ultimate WILF.

  Kristen: Fuck yeah!

  Robert: What are … oh! Hahaha.

  Chris Weitz: Hotsy-totsies, yes.

  Me: I’m callin’ them … (Clear throat.) VILFs.

  Chris: VILFs? Hahahahaha.

  Peter

  Facinelli: (Trying to decipher what VILF stands for.) Vampires …

  Ashley

  Greene: Vampires you’d like to fuck.

  Nikki Reed: Um … that’s weird to, like, say that about yourself.

  Kellan Lutz: I wanna be one!

  Robert: I think it is, yeah. I like how all the werewolves have to go around naked all the time. It’s like, ya know, you always win then when you’re a vampire.

  M
e: (To the wolf pack:) Are you guys the ultimate WILFs?

  Bronson

  Pelletier: Whoa … what is a WILF?

  Chaske

  Spencer: WHOA!!! Wolf I’d like to …

  Bronson and

  Chaske: (In unison.) Fuck!

  Alex

  Meraz: Oh, definitely the ultimate WILFs!

  Taylor

  Lautner: Oh yeah, definitely.

  Alex: (To me:) What would you say?

  Me: I would say yes, you have definitely brought your doggie style.

  Wolf pack: Oh whoa!!! (High fives all around.)

  Alex: Love it!

  Me: That’s good, right?

  Chaske: This is the best interview ever!

  Peter: Yeah, I’d rather be a VILF than a WILF.

  Chaske: Motherfucker!

  Is it wrong to ask a bunch of young men playing werewolves why they needed to wear shirts—or pants? The people demanded answers.

  Me: I think it’s quite a sexy showdown that we have going down.

  Kristen: I don’t take credit for any of that. It’s cool. We objectify the boys in this movie, and I am so down with that!

  Me: Me, too!

  Kristen: Yeah.

  Wolf pack: Fucking awesome!!!

  Bronson: Fucking awesome!

  Kristen: I really fucking like it.

  Me: Can we get a little wolf pack “hooowwwwwl”?

  Wolf pack: Yes! “Hooooooowwwwwwwwwl!”

  Me: And can we get the shirts off?

  (The wolf pack pauses and then:)

  Chaske: You first.

  Bronson: (Stands up to undo his buttons then sits back down.) You first!

  Chris: I mean, there’s what I think every fan of the books would want, ummmm.

  Me: A lot of male upper-body nudity?

  Chris: Some ab-bage … some ab-bage for your cabbage.

  Me: Thank you for that!!

  Bronson: Sorry, we only do pants … we only take pants off here.

  Me: Oh, hey, we can have a pants-off interview. That would be awesome!

  Liz: I don’t understand why they have pants on, and I don’t mean that to be inappropriate, I just don’t … why are their shirts off?

  Peter: Because … let me explain …