Everybody Curses, I Swear!

by Carrie Keagan

  Kellan: Why can’t they just be naked?

  Me: Because all of a sudden it would be an R movie … and all

  of MY friends would go.… Well, ’cause you can’t wear clothes as a wolf, right?

  Taylor: There you go.

  Nikki: Okay then, Liz, they’re not going to wear pants anymore, all right? In the behind-the-scenes, they will get them to not wear pants.

  Liz: Fantastic!

  Me: DVD extras, right??

  Chris: DVD? Oh yeah! Big time. Yeah.

  Me: Awesome!

  The interviews felt like a daylong party. Everyone seemed to be letting off steam and just going with it. A side they could never really show anywhere else, and their fans fucking loved it! Then came a nugget of information that would surely set the fanscape on fire from Robert Pattinson.

  Robert: There is one nude scene though; there was … there … there was one … there … there … actually I don’t know if I should be revealing that …

  Me: Tell me where the Easter egg is! I’m gonna go back, and I’m gonna pause.

  Robert: Taylor is naked in one scene.

  Me: Niiiice.

  Robert: Um-hm.

  Again, thank me later! And I have to say Elizabeth Reaser really upped the ante at the end, when she promoted the film with a word you don’t really hear that often: “Go see New Moon, ya cockfuck!” And Kristen Stewart brought it home with: “Go see the fuckin’ movie! We all really like it,” throwing a subtle two thumbs up! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Kristen Stewart is a smart girl who knows who the fuck she is, and she’s awesome!

  The response to my interviews from Twilighters was off the charts. Millions of views, and a ton of the diehards stole our interviews and posted them on their personal sites. We always felt that it was the highest form of flattery. So it was kind of a bummer that as the series blasted off into supernova, we suddenly got shut out of the junkets. We never got an official reason, but we had a few educated guesses. Most likely, it was the Disney-fication of the franchise, and we were just too damn dirty. Also, the author of the Twilight series, Stephenie Meyer, is a devout Mormon. The director of New Moon, Chris Weitz, did a filthy interview with me and said his favorite swear word was Godfuck, which, by the way, his two-year-old daughter had created. “If [Stephenie] hears this, I’ll never work on these movies again.” He laughed. “She’s going to kill me!” He didn’t come back, either, but I have no idea if that had anything to do with me!

  When I was absent from the last few junkets, there was a big uproar from fans on their message boards. “Where’s NGTV?” they cried. Or whatever the equivalent of crying is online. All caps? No, that’s screaming. In any case, it was pretty cool that this wonderful audience remembered us. They loved our real and uncensored interviews with their favorite characters. I’m telling you, these fans are the best because they’re as loyal as a new puppy. I’ll never forget my interview with Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, and the rest of the cast of the first Hunger Games. We covered the only issues the fans really wanted to know. First Josh:

  Me: What’s your stance on manscaping?

  Josh: Uh … I think there’s a certain duty that every man has that he needs to, you know, maintain his business, without getting too crazy.

  Me: Oh yeah.

  Josh: At the same time, you don’t want hardwood floors. That’s just kind of awkward.

  Then on to Jennifer Lawrence:

  Me: What is all this stuff I keep hearing about on the set? Woody Harrelson had sex swings going on. There’s like sex dolls hanging out in your bathroom. What’s going on?

  Jennifer: It wasn’t a sex doll. Let’s straighten that out. Right quick.

  Me: These are the rumors I’m hearing.

  Jennifer: (In her newscaster voice with her hands up.) Jennifer Lawrence has a sex doll in her trailer! (She smiles.) I bring it with me on every set! My requirement is a double-banger trailer and a sex doll in every room! No, it was a mutilated corpse.

  Me: Oh, okay.

  Jennifer: And it was sitting on my toilet, and I don’t think anybody would want to use that for a sex doll.

  Me: You know what, everybody’s got their own fetish. We don’t have to get into it.

  Jennifer: And to straighten out the sex swing for you, Woody. It was a yoga swing.

  Me: Aah … because somehow they’re different?

  Jennifer: I’ve never actually seen a sex swing. I just … I figure how they work. They hang from the wall, and it’s in the middle of the trailer. And I was already really nervous about how to meet him. And then I walked into his trailer and prepared to, “Hi, I’m Jen,” and then I came out with, “Is that a sex swing?”

  Me: (Doing an impression of her in that moment with Woody.) Nice to meet you.

  (And when it was time promote, she turned to the camera.)

  Jennifer: It’s a fucking amazing movie! Can’t wait for you guys to see it!

  Well, needless to say, my interview about sex swings with Jennifer Lawrence got posted everywhere and went viral. Even Perez Hilton got in on the action and posted it. It spread like wildfire, to the point that our server crashed and our facilitator in Germany called us up and said, “What just happened?”

  These fanboy audiences are as powerful as they are obsessive. They’ve already read or watched almost everything there is about these characters on- and offscreen. They’ve left no stone unturned. So that’s why I try so hard to give them something they’ve never heard before. “Tell me about your character” isn’t going to fly with these aficionados. I also can’t pull out some obscure factoid I’m not really schooled on fully. These diehards can smell a phony from a million galaxies away. So I go with the third option, which is to make them laugh.

  For the Star Trek movie, the cast was so big the studio had ten rooms of interviewees. We were one of the select few outlets that got everybody—Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, John Cho, director J. J. Abrams, and down the line. Unlike Twilight or The Hunger Games, the true fans were in a higher age demographic, so technically the conversations could be more adult. They were, and yet, they were also so incredibly immature! What can I say, I love what I do.

  When I sat down with J. J. Abrams, it was our first time, and I don’t think he believed I was going to swear. It was so awesome! “Are you ready?” I said, smiling. “Seat belt on,” he replied. Then I gave him the most enthusiastic “Star Trek is the fucking shit!” and his eyes just lit up in amazement, and he responded, “Holy shit! I cannot believe you’re swearing,” with a huge smile and a look of sheer delight. It could have had to do with my first question, which was, “Is it true that they’ve invented Star Trek diapers ’cause everyone is going to shit their pants when they see this movie?” But I have to say … I so enjoyed the responses:

  Chris Pine: Keagan, that’s disgusting. (He says it with that fatherly look ’cause he knows I’m dragging in the shit now.) It’s really … I hope people don’t defecate in the theaters because that would be awful!

  Zachary

  Quinto: As long as they have his face on them (points to Chris), I’m happy!

  Chris Pine: (Looking at Zach.) Mean, mean, mean!

  Me: (To Chris and Zach.) And now we’re going to battle. (I love egging on Chris.)

  Karl Urban: (Laughing hard.) It’s pretty ballistic!

  Zoe Saldana: Actually, I’m wearing my own Star Trek Depends right now!

  Eric Bana: I love that! That’s my favorite line today.

  Clifton

  Collins, Jr.: Just give me a second to compose myself ’cause I just lost my shit! (Making a wacky gesture with his hands.)

  Bruce Greenwood: What the fuck!!

  J. J. Abrams: First of all, I do have to go to a psychiatrist now. (Really hamming it up.) Seriously, this is, maybe, the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been. (Too bad he couldn’t stop smiling and giggling.)

  Me: I get paid for these jokes. (In a very dramatic, “How dare you, sir?” voic
e.) I just want you to know.

  J. J.: You do? Oh my God! What’s your boss’s name again? (Huge mischievous grin while I’m laughing.)

  Me: Kourosh.

  J. J.: Kourosh. (He looks at the camera with a funny look.) We should talk, Kourosh. Long conversation. (He breaks down laughing.)

  I so enjoyed taking J. J. on his first NGTV pleasure cruise. He was such a blast. He’s incredibly smart yet completely unassuming, and has this awesome childlike quality with that mischievous look that came flying out and charging at me, especially when he agreed that the film would be best described as “the tits!” I take full responsibility for—and great pride in—that.

  [Oh and, Kourosh, you’re welcome! You’re in the Star Trek section. Yadick!]

  Seriously, isn’t that way more fun than, “How does it feel to step into these iconic characters’ shoes?”? I much preferred to talk about intergalactic love triangles and break down Spock’s eyebrows into two F-word categories. Or discuss that pussy-magnet Captain Kirk grabbing some booby. My old friends Zachary Quinto, who used to party at NGTV, and Chris Pine, who was also a buddy, were all about it. If they heard, “Were you a fan of Star Trek growing up?” one more time, they were going to gouge their own eyes out with a Mek’leth. “I’m supposed to be on my best behavior,” Chris said when he saw me, “but now I’m not going to be able to.”

  Me: As Kirk and Spock, there are two things that are very important. (Looking at Chris.) You have to have a look that says, “I want to have sex” and …

  Chris: I practice that often. (Laughing.)

  Me: And the up-look that says, “Go fuck yourself.” And Spock (looking at Zach), you have to have the eyebrow that says, “Fascinating” or “Go fuck yourself.”

  Let’s be honest, as a fan, in fifty years this has never been broken down so efficiently.

  Zach: (Laughing with Chris.) Or “Go fuck yourself!” That was the entire foundation upon which my performance was built: “Go fuck yourself!”

  Chris: Wow!

  Then, in an inspired moment, Chris and Zach turn toward each other and bust out their best “Go fuck yourself!” in character. Or was Chris saying, “I want to have sex,” and Zach replied, “Fascinating”? Hmmm.

  Zach: (Making a bizarre facial expression.) Then get both in there and you look …

  Chris: You look like you’re stoned or something.

  And you’re a better man for it, Chris! We gave the Trekkies exactly what they wanted—a side of these actors that you never get to see—and the interviews were gangbusters for us. It’s the coolest way to cover the superhero genre. What I try to do is take off their masks metaphorically. Damn, that’s deep! Somebody write that down. When you ask the Spider-Man 3 cast, “Is it true once you go black you never go back?” because Spidey spends a part of the movie as Venom in the black costume, their priceless reactions and responses break down that wall between us. It also prompted Thomas Haden-Church to dub me “the smart Pamela Anderson.” Thank you, I think.

  This particular junket had some memorable moments, like Topher Grace saying, “Fuck yeah, America!” a number of times in the edit. He always brings it up when I see him. Kirsten Dunst using “cunt” to promote the film sure raised eyebrows and got it featured in the big article written about us in The Hollywood Reporter. But above and beyond that, it was the controversial opening we shot for it that had us worried. We had this funny and super-profanity-laced idea for this riff on the famous Abbott and Costello bit called “Who’s on First?” My cohost Shark Firestone and I assumed a ridiculously awkward positon where he was upside down and I was right side up. Then we performed this bit where we say “fuck” a lot while doing muscle poses and pretending to shoot webs from our arms like Spider-Man, which we added later in post. It was called “Who’s Fucking Spider-Man?” It was sooo dirty, and we put it together with a superhero film. It could have gone horribly bad but it didn’t. Quite the opposite.

  Me: Shark, I saw fucking Spider-Man last night. Jealous, you little fucking bitch?

  Shark: Baby, I was fucking Spider-Man last night!

  Me: So you were fucking Spider-Man? Or you were fuckin’ Spider-Man?

  Shark: I was fucking Spider-Man!

  Me: So you were fucking Spider-Man?

  Shark: Fucking Spider-Man? You’re fuckin’-A right I was fucking … Spider-Man??

  Me: Fuckin’ swingin’ all over fuckin’ town, huh?

  Shark: It’s what they call a sticky fucking situation.

  Me: Let me fuckin’ guess. Another fuckin’ groupie suckin’ the fuckin’ venom out of your fuckin’ Hobgoblin?

  Shark: Actually, the fuckin’ bitch stopped fuckin’ short last night, which left me with no other fuckin’ choice.

  Me: So you fuckin’ kicked her to the curb, right?

  Shark: Let’s just say I fuckin’ showed her that with great fucking power comes great fucking responsibility.

  Me: Fuckin’ spoken like a true fuckin’ superhero.

  Shark: More like a fucking guy who fucking jerked off and sent hot stinky fuckin’ ropes all over her back and he kicked the bitch out!

  Me: The fuckin’ Spidey Special fuckin’ strikes again!

  Shark: Fuck yeah!!

  Me: You fuckin’ okay?

  Shark: Other than my nuts being up my ass and Sandman being up my crack, YES!!

  It was so fucking dirty for no reason, and it did so well with our audience. The fans loved it. The viewer numbers were huge, and that was all anyone cares about.

  One of my absolute favorite fanboy interviews was an accidental gem that I unearthed during the junket for What’s Your Number? It took place right after Captain America: The First Avenger came out and became a hit. In addition to Anna Faris and Tom Lennon, it features three actors, Chris Evans, Chris Pratt, and Anthony Mackie, who would all go on to become major forces in the Marvel universe. At the time, I was messin’ around with these guys I’d known for years, but now, looking back, I found myself having a really dirty conversation with Captain America, Falcon, and Star-Lord.

  Tom and I go way back, and Anthony and I are always on the same fucked-up wavelength during interviews, so you knew some dick jokes were going to be on the table early on. Chris Pratt was caught in the middle in the beginning but caught on quick when Mackie got a lesson from me in French that I don’t think he was expecting.

  Tom: Hey, Carrie, you know what’s weird is, you just came in, but you’re the third person who [Anthony Mackie] fucked in their shoulder blades.

  Pratt: BULL! (Chris is caught off guard and thinks this is serious. Almost makes it funnier.)

  Me: That’s just uncomfortably weird. (Playing into it.)

  Anthony: I have a long reach! (Yelling.) You know what I mean! (Makes a suggestive gesture with his hands.)

  Me: So technically … (In a low sexy voice.) I didn’t just come in. He just CAME in!!

  Group: Whooooooooaaaaaaaaaa.

  (Now I have their attention.)

  Pratt: Hahaha I get it. (Chris just realizes we were fucking around.)

  We then launch into a long conversation about doggie-style sex and the best way to look good doing it because it can be undignified.

  Tom: You don’t find that if you’re having doggie-style sex, that it helps to have a large mirror in the room somewhere? Also so that you can give yourself a thumbs-up.

  Me: Can you give yourself, like, an Eiffel Tower? (I had to go there.)

  Anthony: Eiffel Tower! (Shakes his head in disbelief.)

  Me: When have you crossed the line?

  Tom: She asked a man who just fucked her shoulder blades. (Shakes his head.) … I believe on, like, the first or second meeting.

  Anthony: Yeah. I don’t know how to tell you …

  Tom: Had you guys met before that?

  Anthony: Nah.

  Tom: Okay!

  Me: Great! Now you don’t remember the last two times!

  Anthony: I don’t remember you from the front.

  Me: You’re such an
asshole.

  Anthony: What the fuck!?

  Tom: You guys … by the way, knowing you a little bit (pointing at Anthony), and knowing you a little bit (pointing to me), this is what I call a perfect storm.

  Then I switched gears to get Cap’s and Star-Lord’s opinion on the art of the 69. Turns out our Chris Evans was not a fan, but Chris Pratt had an entire theory:

  Me: Sixty-nine is something you do when you’re sixteen and you’re in a hurry because your parents are coming home?

  Tom: Wait … well, that’s not inaccurate.

  Evans: I totally agree. I could not agree more.

  Anna: Yeah.

  Evans: It’s the most ridiculous thing.

  Anna: Yeah.

  Pratt: It’s like that old adage: The young bull and the old bull on the hill, and the young bull says, “Hey, let’s run down the hill and fuck one of those cows,” and the old bull says, “Let’s walk down and fuck ’em all!” Ya know? When you’re a kid you’re trying to get as much sexual activity in at every given moment as you can, and the sixty-nine is like, “Oh my God, I’m doing two amazing things!”

  Me: It’s double the pleasure, double the fun!

  Anna: Fair enough. Fair enough.

  Pratt: But as an adult you’re like, I’ll tell you what, we’ll do both those things, but we’ll take about eight hours instead of ten minutes, and we’ll take our time. Ya know what I mean? Maybe not eight hours …

  Finally, it only seemed appropriate to get Falcon’s, Star-Lord’s, and Cap’s opinions on blowjobs vs. hand jobs during marriage and why it’s important to be in a rental car if you decide to give yourself a hand job on a long drive.

  Me: Hand jobs are out?

  Pratt: Yeah.

  Me: Ah, but blowjobs are marriage material?

  Tom: Right.

  Evans: Wait a minute, wait a minute … hand jobs are out?

  Tom: Do hand jobs have to be out for part two [blowjobs] to be true?

  Anthony: I’ve heard that before … and not never … I mean, if you’re driving, you’re on a long drive … ya know what I mean?

  Pratt: Give yourself a hand job.

  Tom: Wait a second, what did you just say?

  Pratt: Give yourself a hand job when you’re on a long drive?