Ugly, Perfect

by Melanie Walker

  "How do I act with Rayen?" I ask, changing the subject to the one thing guaranteed to make him smile. At the mention of her name, he does and I know I have momentarily silenced the darkness that is his constant companion.

  "Rayen's awesome. You need no pointers."

  "What do I tell her?"

  "Tell her you are Kyra's BBF or whatever the fuck you call it." He shrugs and laughs. "I don't know… tell her, my name is Emjay lets be friends. She's fuckin cool, I'm tellin' ya."

  "Hopefully she won't notice me and I can avoid any and all conversations."

  "You're nuts, completely. Stop over thinking shit, Crazy."

  "Don't call me crazy." I laugh and nudge his arm.

  "Crazy is as crazy does." He laughs and steps quickly away from me before I can smack him, or choke him, whichever would be easiest.

  "I'm gonna kill you one day Kole, and no jury would blame me. I'm crazy and I make mock threats."

  He shakes his head no. "Crazy don't bluff, baby."

  I laugh at that and am reminded for the millionth time why he is perfect for me.

  I worked late that night knowing that it was my only opportunity to work over the rest of the weekend. The wedding was tomorrow, followed by reception and my promise of no work, all play with Alex in Chicago on Sunday. We were scheduled to head back to Seattle Monday afternoon.

  I debate telling him the truth about what was bothering me tonight at the Pier, and know that he is trying. So I should too right? Forgiveness is divine and I need to work on doing it. Where D needs loyalty, I need trust. They are kind of a hand in hand thing.

  I send him a quick text, knowing it isn't healthy that we both hide behind our screen so we can be honest.

  Me: The truth of why I was so quiet tonight is because I walked the Pier and rode the Centennial when I was here last. I was sad when I was here, so the memories were confusing the feelings at seeing it today.

  His response was fast.

  D: There she goes, over thinking again.

  Me: That's not over thinking. I was just telling you why I was acting different tonight.

  I wait for some insensitive bullshit to come through, but I know better than to prejudge my D.

  D: Check your email. Maybe this can help.

  I pulled his email up and within the first few words I knew he was going to shred me somehow.

  Emjay,

  It was never easy to walk away from you. Every time I was faced with moving forward with you, I had a hatred inside of me that you couldn’t fathom. There isn't a story here that I can tell, I can only give you my input and hope it clears everything up.

  I never lied when it came to loving you. I loved you every minute we were apart. I have known from the start that you are and will always be pushy, crazy and obnoxiously deep. I have loved these parts of you Emjay and accept you and your design.

  I always wanted to pick you, love you… I chose my loyalty to my club, my wife and my child. The truth is, Rayen may have been better off having divorced parents since infancy than to have been put through what she went through last year.

  Pay very close attention here Emjay, because I won't rehash it again. I have moved on from what happened to me and you need my answers to things that shredded me once, in hopes of finding a decency in me I may not possess.

  I took every measure I could, from Indiana to Colorado, to ensure your safety. I made deals with the devil to keep eyes on you. And in the end it was all for nothing. You were destroyed, left broken on my watch and I allowed it under some false sense of loyalty to a club that had none to me. For a wife who had none for me.

  Jess slept with over ten men through the course of our marriage. She slept with my best friend as you know. She also slept with the Vice President of my club as well as members who didn't attend church with us.

  I lost everything in the blink of an eye, after choosing the wrong path. I should have chose you Emjay. Hind sight is twenty-twenty where we are concerned. I should have told her we were through instead of years pretending.

  Those are the things I face tomorrow at the wedding. My old club will be there, Jess… and you luv. You are my anchor through this and I need nothing more than for you to weigh me down right now.

  I will tell you why I never came to the Pier that day when you are ready. You didn't know of all her betrayals and only ever get the pieces that I chose to give you. When you're ready I will tell you everything Emjay.

  But tomorrow, I need you to be mine….

  Only as you have always been.

  D~

  Chapter Eighteen

  Present day

  Schererville, IN

  Kyra and Nick danced in one another's arms under the twinkling lights. I was fighting to blend in as best I could, not easy in this biker infested gala. I was finally just sitting back to relax and people watch. I had been going nonstop all morning with the wedding, pictures and various errands Kyra needed me to do. I was happy to sit back and relax.

  I had pleasant chit chat with Jess, Al and Kyra, having done my best to be friendly and get along to avoid hurting Kyra or Nick. It was nerve wracking to be in her presence knowing that I was, for last eight years, in love with her husband. I wanted to hate her, but found it impossible. She was funny, like D. She easily fit in with us and was even excited to meet me after listening to Kyra through the years.

  In a different life she could have been my friend one day. But I knew the pain she inflicted, knew she disposed of the one thing I loved most in the world, like he was nothing.

  I watched D as he danced Rayen all over the dance floor. Her squealing laughter made his hazel eyes light up like nothing I had ever seen before. "How you holding up buttercup?" Alex asks me and I turn to see him hand me a Gin and Tonic.

  "Just keep these coming." He laughs at my comment and sits beside me as we watch the crowd.

  D makes his way to us and sits down. "Water?" He asks me and points to my drink.

  I laugh at that. "No, gin and a lot of it."

  He looks at Al and laughs. "Will you be pouring her into bed later?"

  Alex nods and pats my back. "My lil' peanut made me proud today. She earned that cocktail." He says it in his ever annoying mocking tone and I roll my eyes.

  "How? By not puking?" I ask and D laughs beside me.

  "Does Romance make you that sick Emjay?"

  "Oh it was the attendee's making her queasy not the love." Alex says, and honestly he dumbfounds me.

  "I hate you Al."

  D laughs. "Don't worry about it. An 'I hate you' from Emjay is proof she loves you."

  I nudge him and he pulls me into him and kisses the top of my head. Before I can say anything the sound of ' Black by Dierks Bentley' comes on and he stands with his hand out.

  "What?" I ask and look at his hand like it offends me.

  He laughs and takes my hand in his and pulls me up. "Dance with me."

  "Here?" I ask taken aback looking around. Club members and his ex wife all watching. This is Dante's world not mine and I fear the judgment. Words, his words from long ago ring through my mind. 'You think that being an Old Lady won't interfere with what you want in life? Tell me how many authors wear cuts with their old man's name on them?'

  He never wanted me in this world and it astounds me how he needs me in it now.

  "Well yeah, there is a dance floor."

  "Everyone is watching D…" He knows I am referring to the emotional email he sent me last night. Telling me that the men in leather here were once brothers who betrayed him. I watched his every move tonight. I wanted to know who he spoke to without tension; who he avoided.

  Jess was looking at us now, as were the leather clad men from his past. He caused bloodshed for these men. Had risked his life for theirs in the name of brotherhood and loyalty. Ride or die was a way of life to them, not some lame ass racing movie about a bunch of homeboys. It was his way, shattered at the hands of his wife.

  He pulls my hand, bringing my thoughts back to the present.
He guides me to the dance floor and pulls me into his arms so my head is against his chest and speaks softly so only I can hear. "They are watching because you are the most beautiful woman in here."

  I melt at his words and I want so bad to believe he means it. I look up at him, my world spinning. "I don't know how to take this new you."

  He laughs and pulls me closer. "Nothing new here luv. You have always been beautiful."

  I say nothing and just look at him as he softly sings along with the song. "What?" He asks me and I can't help but smile. He would sing to me as we'd lie in bed at night, soft as I would drift away to his voice. I want to weep hearing him sing to me now in front of everyone he had hidden me from.

  "How do you know this song?"

  He shrugs and sings higher and sends chills down my spine. "I drive for a living luv. I listen to all sorts of music."

  "Yeah folk and banjos and shit."

  He laughs and sings the chorus. "This song, Mallory…reminds me of you."

  "Why?" I ask like his answer will determine my existence.

  "For a million and one reasons luv."

  I listen to the words as he sings them and everything I lock away comes rushing to the surface. This song is erotic as hell and I feel flushed with him so close, whispering the words against my neck. His lips press lightly below my ear, drifting further up until he bites my earlobe gently. "Come home with me luv."

  I look up at him, needing to see his eyes so I can understand what he feels or thinks, even though this profound man gives nothing away. "And then what?"

  "Luv, if I need to tell you then we aren't even in the same book let alone the same page."

  I laugh and roll my eyes. "I mean with us. Tomorrow, next week…what then?" I bite my lip I try my best to figure him out.

  "Stop over thinking shit Emjay. This isn't a hard decision to make. I'm not some guy you met at a wedding. I'm not going anywhere."

  I want him. So much and that really is my bottom line. I might hate myself tomorrow, but I would answer to that pain and suffering in the morning. "Okay. Take me home."

  "Roger that." He says and starts pulling me from the dance floor. "Go get your shit, tell Al you're coming with me and I will meet you with Kyra and Nick and we can say goodbye together."

  I nod and watch him turn to walk away. "Wait! Where are you going?"

  He points to Jess and Rayen sitting with a table of bikers. "To say goodbye to Ray."

  I waited for Alex to finish talking to the bartender, which was taking forever. I sent him a quick text to let him know that I was leaving with D. I walk around the opposite side of the table to retrieve my Dior clutch and see D, with Jess dancing.

  Whiskey? Tango? Foxtrot?

  "You are either about to attack or cry?" Al says from behind me and I jump at his unexpected closeness. He immediately steps back and looks at me. "Mal? Honey? Breathe sweetie. I didn't mean to scare you."

  I ignore his words and try to process what is going on. He doesn’t look miserable, it's as if dancing with her is natural and easy. This is the woman he shared almost ten years with, she bore his child. She laughs, nods, watches him with the same apt attention I do when I get to be the center of his universe.

  I watch his every move like a stage five clinger.

  "What is he doing?" Alex asks and I can hear the shock in his voice, confirming he is seeing what I see.

  "Am I over reacting Al? I need the truth because I am planning on leaving with him." I look up at him. "For the night."

  "Look, I don't know what is going on, but-" He stops mid sentence when they both look over at us. Jess, with a soft smile before nodding and cupping Dante's cheek and turning his face to hers.

  He looks bewildered by my watching, as if he had been in a trans the entire time and only now remembered I was waiting on him.

  Always waiting on him…

  Eight long tremulous years.

  I need him to acknowledge me, to pick me right here and now. But, I watch as he turns his stare on Jess, smiling and nods. I turn away with tears in my eyes when she throws her head back laughing and D spins her around

  "Al?" I ask and feel my lip tremble.

  "We need to go." He says matter of fact and I realize Kyra and Nick are now standing with us.

  "Yeah, get her back to the hotel." Nick says, a look of disgust on his face, all directed at the twosome dancing their asses off in front of me.

  "I'll walk you out." Kyra says and stands to my right, Al on my left as we made our way out of the event hall. I look over my shoulder when I hear D yelling my name, not Emjay, but Mallory and I am not in the mood for whatever charade he is playing.

  "Emjay!" He yells from a few feet behind us, but Alex has had enough.

  "Take her, keep going." He says and drops my arm, spinning and blocking Dante "We are done here." He says to him, his voice stern and I know that the flamboyant sweet best friend is gone, in his place the frightening attorney that has won every case he has been handed.

  Appearances could be deceiving and Alex was scary in the dominant commanding way he stood in front of D. "Al, she needs to hear me-"

  "No. We are done here. So very done Dante. Follow her, even an inch and so help me God I will put her on the next flight out of here to somewhere you can't find her." Kyra had me out the doors before I could hear anymore, but I loved Al for all he was to me, for being the man in my life when the one I needed was always too far away.

  I had no intention of staying in Indiana even a second longer. I had no desire to hear whatever he had to say, because I saw it all.

  I had no desire to love Dante Kole anymore.

  He had finally shattered the last piece of my heart that wasn't ruined and I was going home.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Seattle WA

  March 2016

  I was done with the second book of my best selling series and still riding my success high. I had started using social media about a year ago when 'Deep Love' hit the international best sellers list. Tonight I was posting my book dedication.

  The love in my stories all stems from one man who left me before we could have a future together. I had never recovered from Dante, but I tried. Jason was the only man who I felt came close to sparking something inside of me. But after the ongoing threat of Kendal, I knew I was better off alone.

  So I wrote about love and how I saw it. It was not unwavering and kind. It had tortured me all my life. Two parents who cared little and only had children to please society. Kendal, who by all accounts had ruined my life. I fought him, never once allowing him to see me broken, but he had taken something from me I don't know if I could ever get back.

  I have learned over the years and lots of money spent in therapy, that PTSD has a way of suffocating you. I would always wonder if I had upset someone. I would always live on the outside and only ever looking in on real life. I apologized far too often and I over think everything.

  I would never walk in a crowd and feel the freedom to blend. I hated crowds, hated feeling exposed and knowing my back was vulnerable in a crowd. So I became a wallflower to keep from ever truly living.

  I had moments with Alex and Kyra that were my best, moments I knew I was safe with them and in those moments I learned to live again, just more cautious.

  And on every page I wrote, was Dante.

  How he loved me, how he changed me, how he became the very fabric of every hero I wrote.

  He, along with Kyra and Al were in my dedication, simply listed as D,K and A. A day after I published it on my social media sites, I got a message on Facebook from someone I thought was gone forever.

  Dante Kole: Am I D?

  I read it twenty times unsure of how to respond.

  Mallory Wayne: Yes, I have been known to call you that.

  Dante Kole: I meant on your Facebook post thing. D,K and A. Am I D?

  I realize what he means and smile knowing he is always watching.

  Mallory Wayne: Yes and K is Kyra and A is for Alex. It was i
ntended for the loves of my life.

  Dante Kole: And I am one?

  I roll my eyes annoyed by how quickly he can affect me after all these years.

  Mallory Wayne: Stop fishing for compliments. It's beneath you.

  Dante Kole: LOL

  I feel much like I did last year when he text me after leaving Jess. I felt like I was a quick fix to his battered ego.

  Dante Kole: Why aren't you responding to my texts?

  I look at my phone, no green light flashing and realize he doesn’t have my new number.

  Mallory Wayne: Had to change my number.

  Dante Kole: Give it to me luv.

  I do and he calls me within a few minutes. I answer and yell to Harley to follow me out back. "Hello?"

  "What you up to luv? Been a while."

  I am reminded of the last time we spoke, his anger and hurt. I am reminded of how deep he hurt me. "Yeah, had no choice but to throw the towel in and give up."

  "Was I that bad?" He asks and then answers his own question. "Yeah I was, don't answer that."

  So I don't… I just sit there and say nothing.

  "Look, I am in Seattle to help move Kyra to Indiana and would like to come see you."

  With that I sit upright and am stare at my phone like it has answers. "Really?" I choke out, and I am kind of pissed.

  "Yeah…" He now sounds a little uncomfortable at my tone.

  Good. I hope he feels what he has caused me.

  "Why? If you have something to say, now works as good as ever." My tone is clipped and I'm at a loss for anything other than ire. This is who he is and who he will always be. I am a convenience that warms him in hard times.

  "What's with the attitude Emjay?" He sounds as confused as I am by his calling me. But he would be confused, I have always jumped however high he needed me to.

  "I tried for a month to reach you. I was in Chicago and still got nothing from you, yet you are expecting me to drop everything and run like always because you're here?" I shake my head even though he can't see my frustration.