Ugly, Perfect

by Melanie Walker

  "I'm not-"

  "Do not tell me you aren't expecting it Dante!" I snapped. "I know you too fucking well. You tell me jump and I do it, I always have."

  I hear him let out an aggravated sigh, and I honestly don't care. "K. I'll see ya at the wedding next year, maybe the brick of ice on your ass will have melted by then."

  And he hung up.

  Just hung up!

  I wanted to call him back, bitch him out and hang up on him just so I had the last word. And he was fucking nuts if he thought that brick of ice on my ass wasn't formed by him.

  Son-of-a-bitch.

  Al was in court so I couldn’t rant to him until tonight when he came by to drink wine with me as he so dutifully promised via text. Kyra listened and rightfully bitched with me and promised me she would make sure he did all the shit work in her move.

  I loved them both so much for that. Where D and Ken had formed the hate inside of me, the broken jagged pieces that remind me every day why I don't believe in love anymore, Al and Kyra were the purest of love and why I was still fighting back and writing the shit I had no right believing in.

  I took Harley out for a run and tried to clear my mind, but not even a block in to the run and Kyra starts blowing up my phone. "What?" I answer and slow as she starts squealing into the phone.

  "Oh my God Mal, he is on his way over there!"

  My heart stops beating and I look over my shoulder. "Harley!" I yell and she stops, her ears pointing at the tone of my voice. "On guard!" I say, my voice stern as my beast starts walking in slow circles around me trying to find the threat.

  "No, shit no… Mal…." Kyra says and I can hear her breathing heavy. "I meant Dante… fuck Mal I am so sorry."

  I take a huge sigh of relief as my brain processes that Ken is currently behind bars in Colorado for at least another year. "Kyra you shit! You scared the hell out of me and the beast. Now she's gonna annoy me all day and I won't be able to take a piss alone."

  I concede to Harley and her persistence that I walk back toward our home. She walks at my side, her enormous frame almost as tall as me now that she is fully grown. She is beautiful in watch-out mode, as I call it. Her light camel brown coat is shiny, her ears point, looking sharp as fangs and her deep brown eyes look in every direction as we walk briskly back to our home.

  "I'll bring her treats later for being a good baby." Kyra says and I roll my eyes.

  "I need treats, it's me who she won't let breath for the rest of the day."

  Kyra laughs and I go back to the matter at hand. "How did you know he was coming over here? What did he say?" I ask her so that I have some footing when he gets here. I wish I hadn't thought to run Har. I am in my tight as skin grey running pants that hide none of my flaws and tank top with my hair in a ball cap.

  He will look amazing, I guarantee it.

  "He didn't say anything to me. He told Nick he needed the address to your place and the traitor gave it away like nothing." I can hear Nick in the background yelling that he didn't know we were fighting again. He said fighting again with such annoyance and I laughed knowing they probably hated our seven year show of bullshit and drama.

  I hated it.

  "Tell him I forgive him." I say and then end the call when Harley spots Nicks truck in front of my house.

  "Calm down baby girl." I say and crouch down so she is taller than me and I scratch under her ears by her jowls and she calms instantly. "It's D baby, he won't hurt mommy."

  She moans and I hear him walking up and she immediately guards me with a growl. "Kyra just called me and lead me to believe that it was Ken coming over here, not you. She is on high guard right now so stay back and don't crowd me." I haven't even turned around to face him, knowing Harley was in protect mode. I stayed calm and continued to rub her ears.

  "Heal." He says calmly and I look over my shoulder to see he is now squatting in the same position I am; his hand out to let her sniff him. He is smart in doing it, as Harley was with D for a few months before coming to me. She knows him.

  Once she starts to wag her tail I know she feels no threat and I tap her hind. "Go baby." I say and she does, leaping on D and licking his face. It is remarkable the way a dog never forgets an owner. D loved her and took care of her before gifting me with her almost five years ago.

  "Good girl." He says and kisses her snout as he rubs her back. He looks at me as I stand and stretch my legs having gotten stiff from squatting to calm her. She would never hurt me, but as my guard dog, she is trained to save me by all means necessary and until she knew there was no threat she would trample me to guard me.

  "Yeah she is." I say and slap my hands on my thighs. She hop's on her front legs and then back on her hind legs, her front paws now on my thighs as she stands over six feet and wags her tail. "She's showing off." I say and laugh as she drops back down and heals immediately at my feet.

  "She's a pretty thing, ain't she?" He asks and I nod as Harley eats up the attention. "I didn't know she would be so protective. I gotta admit luv, that makes me feel good."

  I nod and look at my beast of a baby, smiling. "When Ken attacked me last time she went through my picture window and was dragging him around like a dog toy." I look at him as he baby's my sweet baby.

  He is dressed in his usual T-shirt and jeans but no cut and I am not sure I have ever seen him without it outside of the bedroom. "Where's your cut? I thought it was a big thing to not wear it?"

  He stands and looks at me while stuffing his hands in his pockets and shrugs. "No club, no bike, no wife, no drama."

  Holy shit… what the hell happened now?

  ***

  "She slept with Jeff who is my closest friend, he is the one I initially found out about." D is sitting at my kitchen table, drinking coffee as I listen in horror. I simply nod with understanding knowing he needs to talk and I need to let him.

  "So the club finds out that she cheated and it was like the secrets all started rolling in. She was sleeping with my VP and a few of the guys that were part of the club. There's a plethora of men she's been sleeping with." He looks at his coffee and shakes his head. "I exploded on Rick, my VP and he ended up in surgery for a few hours to repair the break I put on his jaw."

  He looks back up at me. "I didn't care too much by then. I had learned how many people she was bed-hopping with, but I couldn’t take knowing that mother fucker sat across from me; rode beside me for years all while railing my fuckin' wife."

  I place my hand on his, not even sure if I should touch him, he is impossible to read right now. But I do, and he looks at me with a sad smile. "I tore my cutt off and left it on his beaten ass on the floor.

  "I am so sorry D."

  He chuckles without humor and shakes his head. "I barely see Rayen right now because I work so much to keep my head a float. I lost my bike to the repo man and with what I pay in child and spousal support I can barely afford to eat. I moved in with Nick about eight months ago. I lost everything Emjay."

  He takes both my hands and leans closer to me. "That's why I was such a prick when we talked last. I hated knowing that I lost everything that had held me down for years. I wanted a life with you Emjay, and the one I chose kicked my fuckin ass. I had to face it, that I lost, but I couldn’t face it with you."

  "Well, I get it. There have been instances with Ken that I haven't shared either. Shame, warranted or not, can make you feel alone when you don't need to be. That being said, I would have comforted you and tried to help you through it."

  I see this… indescribable look come over him. A mix between sorrow and guilt and I want so bad to tell him I love him, my giant. "I wanted you, but I didn't want you… I know it doesn’t make sense Emjay. There were moments I wanted her back, it was safe and comfortable. I knew I needed to be able to lash out and I needed to be alone. When I was alone, all I thought about was you. I played the possibilities in my mind a million different ways. It always comes back to you, and you deserve someone that can kiss you and hold you. I am forever in Indiana b
ecause I won't miss out on Rayen growing up."

  I stared, watching him closely, waiting for anything that would prove he wasn't writing me off again.

  "So I jumped too soon when I told you about Jess. I was selfish and needed you, knowing I would never deliver on what you need from a man."

  Huh…

  That was it. Just huh. Like, well why the fuck are you here then? "Well, sweet. Good to know." He hates passive aggressive sarcasm and I so didn't care. I hate that he somehow finds a way to break my heart more every time he is around.

  "Hey?" He says and grasps my hand when I try to stand and walk away. "I am trying to explain why I faded away on you is all."

  "You have reasons." I shrug. "You always have reasons why I am not enough. You keep telling me the reasons and I am so tired of hearing it." I pull my arm back and look at him, allowing him to see that hearing it this time, might be too much. Over a thousand miles between us, but he willingly comes to my home to tell me I am not it for him. "I don't know if you are aware of this or not D, but I have money. I have busted my ass to be where I am at twenty-five. I have an amazing career, the very best friends that this world has to offer. I own my own home, I am an amazing dog mom to Harley and my bills are paid. I have my share of bad luck too, it's balance and with the good you get the bad.

  "Because of that hard work and dedication, I can work anywhere as long as I have a computer and an internet connection. I have always known that if it ever came down to it, I would uproot my life and come to Indiana. Something I offered once and you shut down. Now, you come over here all browbeaten and sad and tell me that we can't be, because I deserve someone in my same zip code?"

  He runs his hands through his hair and looks at me, like I am the crazy one. "I don't want you to move for just me?"

  I scream. Literally just scream and Harley starts barking going crazy looking for the threat. After the battle of getting her to chill out, I get her out the back door to run in our backyard until she chills out. I slam my patio door and glare at his shocked face.

  "Why in the fuck else would I move to fucking Schererville Indiana, than you?"

  He stands now, taking a deep breath and he most likely wants to scream but won't. "Exactly Emjay. Why else? What could be another reason?" He looks at me like he is waiting on me to speak. "There isn't one. It is a suburb in the Midwest that will offer you nothing."

  And like that, it hits me and I immediately feel my heart break, fall and shatter at his feet.

  "You're never gonna chose me are you?" Tears fill my eyes and for once in my life I don't save face. I let him see what loving him has done to me.

  "I always chose you Emjay."

  I shake my head no and wipe at my tears. "No, you never have. I waited and hung on for dear life for the day you did choose me. I believed in us and what we had. That was why I didn't move on when everyone told me to stop loving you. I couldn’t! I believed your heart was meant to be loved by me." I shrug and wipe more tears away. "Maybe it was, but that doesn’t mean it will be reciprocated."

  He sighs with annoyance and it rips my heart apart even more. "I have nothing to offer you Emjay, so I have let you go every time because of that. It has nothing to do with the fact we love one another."

  "It has everything to do with it! I love you, have always loved you. I miss you and want you and I am willing to move mountains and oceans if I have to so that we stand a shot in hell."

  I search his eyes for anything, anger, sadness, hope… but what I see? What I always see? Undeniable restraint that gives nothing away. It is a miserable package that I love far too much. "My adult life has been defined by you Dante. How deep I love and long and hurt, all by you. Maybe I was just a young girl in puppy love with a grown man, like Alex says. I can't define how or why I am connected to you, but that connection needs to be severed."

  I look out to check on Harley, trying to take a deep breath and contain my emotions. "You are a grifter. You have taken from me everything that was priceless. You love knowing how much I love you, how deep it went and how it drove my success."

  A sob tears free as I speak a truth to Dante, that I never have. "I was determined to prove to the world that the bad boy could be good, that the impossible could be possible and that two souls, meant to be would find a way to be. And through it all, there you were hand feeding it to me knowing full well that I was wasting my time, my intelligence and my life because you have never had any intention of being with me."

  "I won't sit here and justify who I am to you Emjay." His eyes are cold as he stares me down "Do not ever try and pretend that I had some morbid fascination on hurting you and taking from you. I have never asked you for a fucking thing Emjay, and any bullshit idea you concocted in your brain is on you. I never declared to be your forever, you just swore I was." He laughs with a calmness that twists my insides, and I despise the fucking sound. "I cannot live up to that standard, fucking no man can and that is why you are alone."

  He points his finger at me as he says it, a bite in his tone he has never used with me. "No, I am alone because men are careless, using, mean, hateful, liars!"

  He mocks me, placing his hand in the air and ticks my reasons off. "Let me see, asshole? Ken. Using? Ken. Mean?" He laughs and shakes his head. "Definitely Ken as is hateful and as for liars baby, that's just the luck of the draw. I suggest you find better men."

  "Did you come here to destroy me completely or was there another reason?" I ask and I have numbed myself to the very core so he can't hurt me.

  He nods, that calm sweet look in his perfect eyes tells me he can hide too. He looks like Dante, the one I love and trust, but he has hurt me too deep this time and I refuse to fall for it. "I came to see my best friend, who I love to the very bottom of my heart. Instead I got this." He motions to me and I can't hide the pain, he is too imbedded in me.

  I don't know where the cruel words came from, but they bubbled up and splattered all over Dante in a glorified nightmare of bottled up anger and pain. "Well, I am sorry your whore of a wife fucked everyone you cared for outside of her brother. I am sorry that Indiana has a no fault law in place and you have been ass fucked in the divorce. I am sorry you are currently living in a basement so you can eat." I step close, my hate filled voice a calm that scares even me. "But most of all, I am sorry that you think I am just a friend to vent too. I will gift you some friendly advice though.

  "Suck it up buttercup. You made the choice that lead you here and right or wrong doesn’t matter because you got fucked in the end. Coming to me all these years later for comfort was pointless because all my fucks have been given."

  I can see the anger and pain my words caused, but I truly was out of fucks about it all. I was moving on if it killed me and I was starting right now as I followed him to the door, my attack on him effective in removing him and all his bullshit from my home.

  "Take it easy Emjay." He says and walks out of my door, my heart and hopefully my life.

  Chapter Twenty

  Seattle WA

  Present day

  I keep reading what I wrote over and over, not sure what I should give and what I should keep private. I haven't pulled any punches through the process of this project, but some wounds cut too deep and this memory is one that is still bleeding.

  I think of how hurt I was, how destroyed by the gall in him… I wanted to hurt him as bad as he had hurt me. I did too, I destroyed whatever untouched and innocent part of us we had left three days after the fight in my house. I had called Alex the following day demanding he help me get ready for a girls night because I was moving on.

  He was all over that and two nights later, he, Kyra and I went bar hopping in the red light district near the University. I drank far more than I had at any other point in my life and spent the night bawling in the bar, drunk texting him how deep my love ran… I was white trash wasted and spent the night puking with Al in bed babysitting me.

  Unknown to me, Al let him know when we were home after confiscating my phone
since I wouldn’t stop the drunk texts. They had chatted back and forth before Al agreed he would get me home.

  At almost three in the morning something made D show up, looking better than I had ever seen him before. He looked lost and sad and in love and to this day it was the only time I ever knew what he was thinking. It was real and I found beauty in that.

  He was there to make up… and I did the unthinkable.

  I opened the door in a sheet and leaned against the doorjamb. "Need sonthin'?" I slurred and he caught my elbow to steady me.

  He nodded and looked at me until I met his eyes. "Need you luv…" His words trailed off as he pulled me against him and just held me. Even drunk, tears were burning my eyes and I wanted so bad to get lost in him, but I spent the night crying and lost like so many, too many, nights in the last five years.

  I knew the next day he would give the same speech and keep me as far away as he could. So, I pulled back from him and gripped the door to balance me. "I kinda got someone waiting on me."

  I lied. Al was in my bed, not some random from a bar. The point was to show him what losing me looked like, felt like.

  I succeeded too, I saw that look of anguish on his face and knew I did what I needed to, so he would go and stay gone.

  I hated myself for that. Still do, that look on his face is burned into my memory and I can't escape it. I knew what I did was wrong. I had never intentionally hurt another person in my life and in one lie I destroyed the only man I ever believed in.

  It took me a few months to come clean, after that much silence I had hoped that the ire had died.

  It didn't. He responded to my message with a picture of himself, bandana on his head looking like every one of my fantasies. He told me that I would never forget him no matter how hard I tried. He said that if that picture did to me, what he thought it would; then it was proof nobody could ever compare to him.

  He wanted to hurt me; to remind me that he was inside of me and impossible to reach or remove. I knew, even hurt and angry that it was the same for me with him. I returned the text with a picture of my own and my words were an undeniable truth he would soon face.