Ugly, Perfect

by Melanie Walker

  I am a bestselling author, you can Google my name, Facebook me, twitter, instagram, email and my website. My face is on the back of every book I write and in every bookstore I do signings in. I made sure he knew that it would be my face everywhere he looked one day.

  The months that followed were polite, but overall we rarely spoke at first. Then, slowly over the last year our texts became jovial and we built something entirely new.

  Friendship.

  I had cried to him over guys I liked and ran from, or the one guy I liked that ran from me. He told me about Rayen and how proud he was of her every single minute. We talked about his dream of one day getting a new bike and that feeling that only a Chopper and the open road can give.

  He told me how he would hear women talking about my books and the way I always mention the elusive D here or there and he would laugh on the sly and play dumb.

  We never talked about us or loving each other unless one of us needed the comfort of it. He followed my career and supported me like nobody could. He was proud of me and made sure I knew it.

  We built something in the last year that was always missing before…

  Consideration.

  Compassion.

  Understanding.

  He was my very best and worst friend, but I respected him for it. Then like the fools we are; we fuck it all up, unable to stay away from what seeks to destroy us both.

  Trying to be more than we can be.

  See, we always made the mistake of assuming that oil and vinegar could mix. That a tornado could live in the eye of a hurricane. That loving fire would burn you or kill you depending on how close you let it in.

  We never should have crossed the boundaries again. I was in Seattle after running far and fast from whatever the fuck he was doing with Jess.

  And he was probably busy fucking the loneliness away with her.

  I was pulled from the manuscript and my depressed and angry thoughts, when a pounding hit my door. I glanced at the clock seeing it was almost one AM. I heard Harley growling from the hallway outside of my office, when the pounding came again. She wouldn’t bark unless it was to warn me. She would growl and then start herding me toward whatever safe place in my small home that she considered safe until the threat left.

  I may not take direction well, but I always listened to Harley.

  I followed her into my closet in my bedroom and waited for her to bark. I could hear the nails on her paws as they clicked on my wood floors, her growl more sinister by each step she took. It felt like hours since I entered this small space, but finally she came back and whined and nuzzled me until I knew I was safe.

  After making sure all my locks were secure I went to the kitchen and brewed a pot of coffee knowing damn well I wouldn’t be sleeping tonight. I went back to my desk to get my laptop and phone so I could write in the kitchen, when I saw that green light flashing from my phone.

  I hadn't answered him since getting home at the ass crack of dawn this morning. I didn't want to answer to him, he never answered to me. I felt like Jess and Kendal were the winners in this fucked up story. They were going on, pleased as pie that they had hurt us, destroyed us and we couldn’t get past it now.

  I hated seeing him dance with her. It made me sick in a way, that no other person could have. Knowing what she did to him, how she took everything from him for the joy of sex… I wasn't one for making excuses for my bad behavior. I owned my mistakes and I wore some of them like a second skin. But I was not that woman, and I was not Brittany Pike.

  I love D to the very depths of my heart. I couldn’t breathe without him. I couldn’t sleep for months, broken hearted insomnia. I missed him. Every day I missed him.

  And while I was missing him, desperate to feel his hand on the small of my back again, or the rush of my chest against his back as we rode for hours on his bike; he was with her. He made the conscious choice to make it work with his family.

  I didn't damn him for it, I respected him. I hated that he lied, but I know Dante and I know his heart. He never planned on me. I know he wanted to leave her ,and Rayen trumped Jess and I both.

  I respected that even more.

  But, I cannot get past watching him dance with her, laugh with her and hold her.

  That, I can't get passed.

  I open the message and want to cry at what it says.

  D: I will sit here all fucking night Emjay. Answer the fucking door!

  I drop the phone and call Harley to come with me as I unarm the alarm and open the door. My yard floods in light and I can see the down poor of rain, every drop illuminated in the flood lights. Harley went out first and I hoped like hell that she'd bite his ass.

  "You infuriating brat!" He yells and slams the door to his rental car and storms toward me, his hazel eyes fierce in the rainy night.

  "Excuse me? What are you doing here Dante?" I don't even know if he can hear me because the rain is so loud. Harley charges him, as he comes toward me.

  "Heal!" He barks at her and holds his hand up the same way I do and it calms her immediately. He chills out enough to let my beast of a dog smell him before he starts berating me again.

  "What the fuck are you doing Emjay?" He asks me, arms folded as the rain beats down on us both.

  "I am working, or was. You scared the shit out of me and my dog you psycho!" I walk to Harley and tap my thigh until she comes to heal at my feet, the rain not effecting her like it is me. I can feel my jaw starting to quake and my teeth will be chattering soon.

  I pet her and send her to the door, which she sits in front of out of the rain. I live here, I can take the cold and I am so over the drama with us, there is no way I am taking him inside to talk it out friendly. This shit can happen right here and now.

  "What are you doing here?" I ask and fold my arms tighter over my chest.

  "I came to try and save this!" He yells and motions between us.

  "There is no saving it! Whatever we are, or were meant-to-be is bullshit of the finest stock. I'm done with it!" I yell back, hating him for looking so God damned good while I look broken.

  Bastard.

  "Why does it have to be so deep all the fucking time? Why can't it just be what it is, instead of slapping some epic horseshit you don't even believe in, on it?" He steps closer, his voice losing the edge of anger and he sounds as tired as I do. "Why can't we go one day at a time, instead of a fairytale ending that you need, because I don't need it. I never have."

  "Because I believed it!" I yell, my emotions too high to take anymore and I am breaking. "I had faith in it against everything I ever believed. I made it my mission to prove that two souls could be what I thought we were. But you…" I look away as I choke on a sob. "You shit on it, broke it apart piece by piece until I became a cynical cunt!"

  "So be a cynical cunt, Emjay. I don't care. All I ever cared about was you and it was never enough!"

  Tears break free at his words because he never chose me, not once. "Oh go home to your wife D."

  I turn to go up my stairs but he stops me, turning me until I am in his arms and kisses me, but I am too hurt to let it happen. I push him back.

  He runs his fingers through his soaked hair, whipping the wet strands back and he looks amazing doing it. I hate him for that. "I don't have a wife Emjay. Or a home, or club or bike or shit all to my name. All I have is what I came here with. Take it or leave it."

  Like a broken record, here we go again. "I never cared about that shit!" I yell and slam my hand against my chest. "I have never cared about it. You were all I wanted, and there is more truth and heartache in my saying it, than in any promise of hope from you." I try to dry the tears from my eyes, but they have blended with the rain as if the sky weeps with me. "You have broke my heart more times than any heart deserves, and I still love you. I would drop everything for you, and you love that."

  I choke on my sobs, but the words keep falling out. All my pain, all my anguish falling out with no hope of salvation from him. "You find some sick joy in destr
oying me, keeping me hooked on a drug I can't quit."

  He makes a sound of pain and reaches for me, flinching as I step back. "Emjay…" He is at a loss for words and I shouldn’t be surprised, he will never give me what I need from him.

  Trust.

  "I don't trust you Dante. You have hurt me too deep."

  He laughs without humor. "Congrats baby, now you're a liar too." He sounds smug, but I see him breathing heavy and I know he is pissed.

  "Jesus, do you ever explode? Like ever? Get mad!" I yell and push him. He steps back from my push and looks at me, one hand sweeping his hair back from his face, the other pointing at me.

  "I ain't that shithead ex of yours. You need to try harder to get a rise out of me." He mocks me with his snide smile as he says it and I push him again; harder this time. He loses his footing and stumbles some, but not much.

  "Fuck you!" I yell and push him again, and again until my hands are smacking at his chest. No strength in me to hurt him, but I have nothing left but to rage. He finally grabs my arms to keep me from hitting him.

  "You hate me because I know you. Inside out. I know your biggest fears and regrets and wishes. I know you love me and it kills you that I don't pander to your every wish." He steps closer and grabs my shoulders. "I don't kiss your ass like you need. You’ve been so God damn beaten down that disappointing you came easy. If I didn't give you an answer you wanted then it meant I didn't care, or that I didn't pick you! I have always picked you. Every fucking time! I came to you when I had nobody, but I wasn't able to hop a flight home every time you needed me to fuck you into submission, so I became the prick once again!" He lets me go and scrubs his hands down his face. "When are you gonna realize I have always been on your side?"

  His words resonate in me, fueling me even more. "Were you on my side when you were dancing your ex wife all over the dance floor? Is she even your ex?"

  "Do you honestly think I would lie about her?" He sounds shocked, I'll give him that.

  "Yes! I do. You are always lying about her."

  "I would never do that to you and you know it! I was telling her the fuckin truth of who you are to me!" He roars the last part and smacks his chest. "She…" He looks away and tries to step closer to me again, but I sideswipe the advance.

  "She what?" I ask, my jaw shaking from the cold.

  "She asked if you were important." He lost the anger, but still stands defiantly beside me.

  "And what? You had to dance and sweet talk her from causing a scene?"

  "Oh my God, you are tiring Emjay. No, I told her that you are who she will never be." He comes close now, disregarding my flinch as he scoops his hand behind my neck and pulling me against his chest. "I told her that I have loved you for almost a decade and I was finally taking you home, to fuck soundly in my bed." He keeps his hand on the back of my neck, then turns his body so that he is standing behind me. He slowly; softly- moved his hand until it is over my throat. I panic on instinct, but I hear the faint 'sssh' in my ear and it stills me. "I told her that you are the only person I trust implicitly and above all others."

  "I hate you…" I cry trying to pull my arms from his grasp and step back. "I hate you so much, because I can't hate you."

  "I told her, that not once did I ever look at her, like I do you." His thumb strokes along my throat, showing me that despite what I say, I do trust him

  "Stop…" I cry.

  "Tell me you trust me Emjay. Hate me all you want, but I know you trust me."

  I look at him through my wet lashes, my jaw chattering and I want to curl in a ball and hide. "I don't trust you with my heart."

  "Yes you do. You know as well as I do that nothing… fucking nothing would ever hurt you if I was here." He comes close again and takes my face in his hands. "I would destroy anything that threatened to hurt you."

  I think of Kendal, the Colorado MC's constant eye on me all those years. I think of Harley and I think of him never really being gone from my life, just from me. "You threaten to hurt me with this." I place my hand on his chest to feel his beating heart.

  "I would destroy myself first Mallory."

  I don't know what it was. If it was hearing my real name, if it was that I knew he would destroy anything that threatened to hurt me… I don't know if I was just destined to be his fool forever.

  But I thawed to him instantly, and fell apart. There was no hiding what he had done to me, no hiding the pain he had caused and for the second time in my life, I cried endless tears on my front porch in the arms of the man I loved.

  Chapter Twenty One

  Present Day

  Seattle WA

  The latch of my bedroom door closing behind us, sends an erotic chill through me. D walked to the bathroom that joined my bedroom and I could hear the faucet to my large bathtub. I grabbed my blanket off the end of the bed and wrapped it around me. I had no clue what the fabric was, but it was soft and so warm against my frozen wet skin.

  I lean against the door frame and watch as he makes sure the temperature is just right. I watch, like a total fascinated creep as he faces me. With one arm he strips his shirt off, then works at the button on his jeans. I shiver at the sight of his former clubs insignia tattooed over his abdomen. I want to trace the ink with my fingertips.

  He steps toward me, shirtless, barefoot and his jeans undone… and seriously I can't get over his beauty. His hair is down and dripping wet onto his chest. I look up and see his hazel stare pinned on me, drops of water on his face. I feel his hands, cold as ice when he pushes the blanket off of me. I let it fall and step up to him, feeling the brush of his fingers as he lifts my tank top over my wet head.

  My hair sticks to my bare breasts and the sound he makes is laced with erotic intent. His fingers slowly trace my curves, up and over my breasts until his thumbs hook in my flannel pajama pants and fall to the floor. I stand before him, bare to him in a way I never have been. He has never touched me with such purpose. He touches me now, soft and slow and it speaks volumes.

  "Let's warm up luv." He speaks low against my ear and kisses me softly on the soft part of my neck below my ear. My skin covers in goose bumps and I tremble from everything but the cold. As if he knows how bad I need to feel something, he closes in behind me and wraps his hands around me. One arm encloses over my bare breasts, my nipples peak at the heat from his skin. His other hand rests low on my abdomen, his thumb going under the band of my panties.

  My head rolls back and to the side when his mouth finds purchase on my neck, arching when his entire hand moves down the front of my panties and I feel his hand on me for the first time in years. His fingers move through me with ease. He cups my neck in his other palm, gently stilling me when I flinch at the intimate touch. "Who can touch you like this Emjay?"

  His voice is soft and low, but feels like Hi-Def as he touches me. "You. Only you D."

  He turns my face so he can kiss me, his thumb on my clit and his other hand stroking my throat. I explode, drenching his fingers. "You still come so fast for me luv." He licks up my neck until he is at my ear. "I love how you respond to me. You always have, but nothing gets me harder than you letting me touch your throat luv."

  I cry out from the intensity of it all and he presses his jean clad erection against my backside. "The faith you have in me to never hurt you undoes me." He moves both hands to my hips and turns me to face him. His eyes show me all his vulnerability in this moment and it cements what I have always known.

  "You're it for me Dante…" I say the words quietly, reverently because I am terrified this spell will be broken and I need it too much.

  His thumb pulls at my bottom lip as his hand cups my chin. He nods and closes his eyes, a look I will never be able to define on his face. He finally looks at me again and I see him fighting for the words that will show me his soul. "It's always been you Emjay."

  He lifts me so I am on the counter, his thumbs hooking in my panties and stripping them clean off me. He reaches down through his opened jeans and pulls his cock f
ree. He interlocks his fingers of his free hand in mine so we ground each other… and presses inside of me.

  I moan and arch my back, my head resting against my mirror. He places his other hand on my hip and rocks into me over and over, is eyes on mine. The significance of this connection is profound. His eyes, hands, breath, cock…him. All of him is locked on me and we truly have never been this close. This was different than need, it was more powerful and terrifying all at once.

  This was eight years in the making and we were finally seeing each other, no mask of indifference, no fear or darkness. Apart we are broken; tainted… ugly. Together we are whole; content…perfect.

  I place my free hand on his shoulder and lean forward, my arm slipping behind his neck and for once I tell him how I feel with no barriers or fear. "I love you D… so much."

  He trembles with my words and locks his eyes with mine. I feel his hands come behind to the small of my back and he pushes me so I am against his chest. One hand cups my cheek before he kisses me. I feel the anger and sadness and loss that was always between us, slip away in that kiss and I suddenly had all of him.

  His eyes close briefly and as they open again they are wet with unshed tears. "My feelings for you exists in a place beyond all reason and logic Mal." He kisses me and I feel every guard I created against him, fall apart at the emotional confession he gifted me with. "You are everything to me luv."

  I want to respond; I want to relish in his words. I want to cry at the liberty he gives me; I want to come against him screaming his name. My warring emotions lost to the power of his every thrust and I can't keep the pleasure in and scream out.

  His thrusts deepen and slow to the perfect rhythm and I ride the pleasure out until I am nothing but limber and content. He pulls out and steps back, my hand in his as he guides me to lean over the counter.

  He slips back inside of me with the ease of a lover and the grip of a desperate man. I am once again lost to his possession. I have one hand on my counter and one on the mirror in front of me. "Look at me luv…" He says and my eyes find his in the mirror. "Watch your man take you."