The Soul Room

by Corinna Edwards-Colledge

‘We’ve got one thing in our favour, something they don’t know about.’

  A flicker of hope passed across his face. ‘What’s that?’

  ‘I left a note with Nonna saying that if I wasn’t back by morning she must call this friend I have in Brighton Police. He’ll come straight away.’

  ‘You mean officially? With other police officers?’

  ‘Well…not exactly…’

  ‘Not exactly?! And what do you think this one unofficial copper is going to do against the most powerful man in the region? A man who has the whole local constabulary in the palm of his hand??’

  My tiny chink of optimism evaporated. I felt small and stupid. ‘And not just that Dan, if I don’t call home every day at 7pm, Dad said he’s going to come too.’

  ‘Dad?’ Dan sounded incredulous. ‘What can he do?’

  ‘He’ll kick up a stink, he’ll get the police to look into this officially. We’re his kids, he won’t stop till they listen to him!’

  ‘They’ll have moved us by then, it’s no good. Fuck Maddie, what have I done?’

  ‘Please Dan, don’t. You didn’t mean for any of this to happen.’ I paused, momentarily stalled by my platitudes but unable to think of anything better. ‘It’s not your fault.’

  ‘It’s never my fault is it Maddie? Even Mum and Dad let me get away with murder; I used my difference, my eccentricity as an excuse for selfishness. If I’d been aggressive, if I’d been stupid, it would have been different, but I was always protected, never made to take the consequences...’

  ‘We’re in this situation because Fabrizio is a self-obsessed sociopath not because you have a slightly inflated ego.’

  He snorted and shook his head. ‘Really? Is that really why? Isn’t the reason why I’m actually here because of my ego? Because I had to be the one to shake the skeletons out of the family closet – I had to be the one to find myself like some gauche pre-pubescent who thinks the world revolves around them.’

  ‘But everyone has the right to to try to find out the truth about themselves and who they are.’

  He looked at me keenly. ‘Do they? Should they?’

  I shook my head to try to make sense of the frenzy of conflicting emotions that were bombarding it. I was terrified, but I had to know, I had to know everything that had led us to this point. I couldn’t go on without it. ‘Why did you come to confront him?’

  ‘After Mum told me about him, I just had to.’

  ‘How did she tell you? When she was dying? When she called us into her room that last time – before she lost consciousness?’

  ‘Sort of, she told me there was something I needed to know. She was sorry but she didn’t have the courage to tell me then, but that when I was an adult, my 30th birthday, I would find out. She said she had always loved me with all her heart, that she hoped I would forgive her.’

  ‘How did you do it, how did you wait all those years, wondering what it was?’ Our faces were close, conspiratorial. There was so much to say, so much to ask, and we didn’t know how much time we’d have before they came back.

  ‘It wasn’t so bad at first, I was busy grieving, and building a life. But as I got older, got nearer to my birthday, those last few months, it was unbearable.’

  ‘So how did you find out?’

  ‘A letter, lodged with her solicitor. They’d written down the date wrong, 12th instead of 17th, so I got the note five days before my birthday.’

  ‘And it told you Fabrizio was your...’ I hesitated, struggling to say the word in this context, ‘...father?’

  ‘Yes, and about her diary, where to find it, how it was disguised; said that it would break her heart to write it out again, that her diary would tell me.’

  A wave of desperation came over me. ‘But why has he done this?’ I wailed. ‘Why is he keeping you like this? Does he know you’re his son? Surely if he knew that he couldn’t do this to you!’

  ‘Mum told him. Remember that day he came to the house?’

  ‘When she’d found out the treatment hadn’t worked?’

  Dan nodded. ‘Fabrizio hurried past us in the hall, he looked pale, like he’d had a shock. He only stayed a few minutes.’

  ‘I remember. I wonder how she made him come to her? Maybe she threatened to tell Rosa.’

  ‘Probably. I think he feels little more than disdain for me. I’m only half an Amarena, and a gay one. And there’s a small amount of shame for how I was made as well I think. Maybe just enough shame to make him unable to hurt me.’

  I shifted my weight, linked my arm through his and leant my head on his shoulder.

  ‘But then why has he kept you here all this time? Why not just let you go? You can’t prove he’s a rapist, it’s just one person’s word against another’s, and a dead person’s at that. You’d have to have incontrovertible evidence to dent Fabrizio’s cast-iron reputation.’

  ‘I’ve got something on him and he knows it. Something big, that’s why I’ve been here ever since, while he tries to work out what to do with me.’

  ‘What, what have you got on him?’

  ‘He’s been using the vineyard to launder money, money that comes via corrupt policemen, from drugs deals, racketeering, fraud, you name it.’

  ‘Shit. How on earth did you find out?’

  ‘When I’d read mum’s diary I had to find out more about him. It was such a shock to find out he was my Dad, I needed to know more so I started to look into him, used some contacts I’ve made through my investigative journalism. Less than savoury contacts, but the type who know how to get information.’ He had been talking relatively calmly, but he crumpled again. ‘What are we going to do Maddie? What the fuck are we going to do?’ He started to cry, laid his head in my lap, his hands cradling my bump. I stroked his hair absently, my mind at war: the practical half trying to work out if we could escape; the other, scared witless and incapacitated.

  After a few minutes he calmed down, wiped his face with the back of his sleeve and sat up again. I put my arm around him, tried to comfort him. His shoulders were shuddering with tension. He looked up at me with his near-black eyes, and for the first time I noticed the hint of a feline curve at the far corners; so like Sergio’s, I suddenly realised; that it made my heart jump with recognition.

  ‘I’ve often taken pleasure in making people look stupid,’ he said, his deep voice trembling, ‘including, at times, those that didn’t deserve it. If I look into myself I see...’ he leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, ‘...I see a man who has always wanted to be at the top of the heap in his career, made little effort to find out if those he has ridiculed or exposed actually had something to teach him. But I don’t...don’t think that I have been motivated by wanting to hurt.’

  I struggled, sent a line deep inside myself, trying to hook some words. ‘That’s the difference Dan. That’s why you mustn’t compare yourself to Fabrizio. He has taken pleasure, all his life, in taking what he wants from people. He’s a predator.’ I spat out the word. ‘Think of Mum, what he did to her. In terms of morals and integrity, dear brother if in nothing else, I am afraid you are deeply ordinary. You are flawed, just like the rest of us. You can try to mend it, or you can ignore it, but you are nothing – nothing like him.’

  ‘But what are we going to do?’ He said, his voice ragged with emotion again. ‘You and the baby are in so much danger, I can’t bear it.’

  ‘We know we can’t escape from this room, and we don’t have the strength to overpower the guards, so we’ve got to think about other ways of getting through this. Anyway, it’s you we need to worry about. He won’t do anything to harm the baby, he wants it too much. He knows he can’t get it without me, so I couldn’t be safer right now. ‘

  ‘I don’t understand – why would he want the baby?’

  ‘Of course...you don’t know.’ The baby kicked hard against my spine. I gasped. ‘I’ve got to get up Dan.’

  ‘I felt it! I felt it kick! My...’

  ‘Nephew.’ I put in fo
r him.

  ‘How do you know it’s a boy? From a scan?’

  ‘No, I knew already.’ I got up with difficulty and went over to the bed.

  ‘How?’

  ‘It’s a long story. Not for now. You wanted to know why he wants the baby, why he will do anything to protect it?’ He nodded fervently. ‘Because the baby’s father was his favourite son, Sergio, he died just a few months ago.’

  ‘I knew he had grown-up children, but I didn’t see them. He was very cagey about his life. How did Sergio die?’

  ‘A brain tumour, he knew about it but didn’t tell me, didn’t talk to his family about it although they knew. He was full of life and excitement about his baby, but I had no idea it would happen so soon. And then he was gone.’

  ‘I’m sorry Maddie.’

  ‘It’s OK.’ I felt the tears start despite myself. ‘I wasn’t in love – or at least not as strongly as I think he was with me – but he was a beautiful young man in every way and he would have been a wonderful father – even if we hadn’t ended up staying together. You would have liked him, because he wouldn’t have been intimidated by you. He would have looked you calmly in the eye and made you laugh at yourself.’

  Dan laughed ruefully. ‘My half-brother, but a stranger.’

  ‘His memory is powerful to Fabrizio. He loved Sergio so much because he was everything he was unable to be.’

  Dan looked at me fiercely, gripped my arm. ‘I promise you Maddie that we are going to get out of this, and I am going to be a wonderful uncle.’

  For some reason his avowal made me want to cry again. I smiled and looked away. ‘Do you have any water in here? I’m so thirsty all of a sudden.’

  He got up and went over to a small cupboard in the corner of the room. Inside were several shrink-wrapped six-packs of bottled water, packets of crisps, bags of apples several tins and basic crockery. He took out a bottle, got a packet of crisps and brought them over. Looking in the cupboard, seeing Amarena’s planning laid bare, I suddenly saw the elephant in the room, the question I hadn’t thought to ask yet. ‘How did it happen? How did he get you?’

  Dan sighed and threw himself into the armchair. He pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. ‘After getting the letter I struggled with myself for a couple of days, thought about writing to him, threatening him. Deep down though, I knew I needed to see him face-to-face. I met up with that contact I told you about, got him to start doing some digging. I changed my name by Deed Poll. I knew the first thing anyone would check would be flights, and I didn’t want to be found until I’d confronted him. I bought a cheap mobile phone, took out some cash from my savings and left for Italy. That was it – I just went. No plan, just the absolute belief that I needed to confront him.’

  ‘No word to any of us.’

  ‘I left a note for Nicholas.’

  ‘It blew off the table, he didn’t find it for days. Have you any idea what we’ve been through?’

  ‘You’ve got to understand Maddie, I had no idea it would happen like this, that he’d lock me up. Until I got to Italy I thought he was just a rapist...you know what I mean...that’s the worst thing that he could be, but I knew I couldn’t prove it, couldn’t use it against him. It wasn’t until I arrived here that my contact called me and the money laundering, the police corruption came up too. I knew that that would be a far more dangerous thing to challenge him on.’

  ‘It’s been so awful, not knowing if you were alive or dead, or what might have happened to you.’

  ‘The worst punishment of the last five months has been the time to myself. No distraction, nothing to stop the relentless inward gaze. A part of me always knew, Maddie, if you think about it, you knew it too. I was different from you and dad, however much you loved me, I always felt it. And it makes sense to me now, Mum got ill, not because of genetics or lifestyle, but because there was always something rotting, chewing away at the inside of her. The diary told me what it was. I can’t explain to you what I went through …when I read about...about what he did to her…about how I was made. To know that despite it, she loved me as much as if I had been made with love like you...instead of violence. I couldn’t help it, suddenly I saw myself in a new light. That perhaps he had rubbed off on me, even a bit...’

  ‘Don’t say that Dan – I told you...’

  He raised his hand placatingly. ‘OK, I know, I’m sorry.’ He rubbed his eyes.

  I looked at my watch, saw it was 2.30am; was that all it had taken for everything to change irrevocably, for me to be imprisoned – just two hours? ‘’So you came over to Italy?’ I prompted gently.

  ‘For a week or two I just watched him. He had no idea who I was of course. I stayed in Terranima and regularly took the tour of the vineyard, walked a lot until I knew the extent of his empire, oiled the mouths of those locals that spoke English with cigarettes and drink. I was going to make a grand plan, confront him spectacularly – and then – one morning – I came across him in the southern vineyard. It was cool and overcast for once. He appeared suddenly at the end of the row – said hello quite cautiously. I stammered out that I was on a tour and had got lost. He came closer to me, stopped just a foot from me and searched my face. He asked if he had met me before, and that was when it all came out. I told him I knew everything, told him about Mum’s diary, that I knew about the rape, that I was his son, that I was going to expose him and bring his foul corrupt empire crashing down. I could barely breathe I was so angry, so pent-up, I wasn’t thinking, I didn’t even contemplate the consequences. When I stopped, he didn’t say a word, he just stared. I spat at him, it landed on his cheek – quivered there – and still he didn’t move; his eyes were hard, impenetrable. There was nothing for me to do but turn heel and go. That night two men came and took me from my room at the hotel, even though I was there under an assumed name. It can’t have been hard for him to find me, one of only a handful of Englishman in his village. He probably knew about me already. I should have come home that day – walked out of that field and kept going until I reached Rome airport. I was a fool.

  A thought prickled at the back of my mind. ‘Why keep you so long though, I don’t understand. Can it really just be because he doesn’t know what to do with you?’

  Dan looked back at me tiredly, his face drawn, and shrugged.

  The thought prickled at me again, then came crashing into my consciousness with sickening clarity. ‘It’s because of me and the baby!’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Don’t you see Dan, maybe it wasn’t at first. Maybe he was genuinely unsure what to do with you. But after the first couple of weeks, when Sergio told him I was pregnant, then, he must have started thinking. And once Sergio died, imagine what went on inside him then. Finally he saw a way out. Buy both our silence and capitulation by threatening the other. He gets your silence by threatening to make me disappear and keep my baby...’ I felt sick even thinking it, ‘and gets mine at the same time by threatening to make you disappear.’ I stopped, silence spilled into the room like syrup.

  ‘God no, he couldn’t be that...that...’

  My head was full and my eyes gritty with exhaustion. ‘Think about it, he’s kept you here while he watched and waited for me to work it out, come to Italy to find you. He was a big fat spider, luring me into his web. And tonight I did, like an idiot, I hid behind a sofa and then walked right into it.’ I couldn’t cry, there was nothing left. ‘Dan, I need to sleep.’

  Wordlessly he came over, sat beside me on the bed, his back against the wall, and let me lie down with my head in his lap. He stroked my hair. Strangely I thought of all the animals and insects outside; mating, fighting, hunting, eating – and us, imprisoned in our underground room, desperate to join them.

  ‘Like you said, by seven-o-clock tonight, Dad will raise the alarm. We’ve just got to stall him, hold him off somehow.’ Dan’s deep voice faded into nothingness and exhaustion gathered me into its dark arms.

  The descent was shorter than ever, I
hurtled through the darkness as if I was in a lift that had had its cables cut. But like before, it slowed just in time, only a few feet from the tiled floor.

  I heard someone running, the step was light but urgent. He appeared, dark hair tousled as if he had been worrying at it, his t-shirt half-tucked clumsily into his jeans. I could feel the fear emanating off him, could almost smell it – warm and slightly sweet. I made myself look in his eyes, it was like pulling off my skin.

  ‘Mummy, Mummy I’m scared!’ He ran at me, wildly, his arms outstretched. I shrieked and jumped away. He stopped, stumbled, turned back, his face full of pain. ‘But I need to Mummy! It’s time! I need to!’

  ‘Oh God, baby, I’m sorry but you can’t touch me yet, you can’t come yet – It’s too soon!’

  ‘Please Mummy please!’ He started to cry, holding his hands out towards me again. I started to sob too, as I backed away.

  ‘You don’t understand – it’s not safe. I love you! I’m sorry!’

  I woke up suddenly, roughly. For a moment I couldn’t work out if I was really crying or if I had just been dreaming that I had. I felt utterly desolate. I didn’t want to open my eyes because I knew what they would see. I didn’t want to be myself because I felt so ashamed. I didn’t deserve my son, I said to myself over and over; something was going to go wrong with his birth and it was my fault. A chill took hold of my gut. I put my hands on my belly and stroked it gently. It felt like a betrayal, a paltry gesture to try to comfort when I was the one who had put him in danger. Please kick! I said to myself desperately. Please kick and show me you are OK. There was nothing, it’s happened already. I thought with a rising sense of panic, that’s it, it’s over. I wanted my baby so much at that moment, more than I ever had before. I wanted to hold him and stroke his fine silky hair, burrow my nose into the sweet damp folds of his neck. Kiss his plump cheeks over and over.

  ‘Maddie?’ Dan’s voice was urgent though barely above a whisper. ‘I think he’s coming!’

  The key sounded in the lock, and Mario and his accomplice came into the room, still masked, one of them carrying a folded screen. There was a soft pinkish light glowing in the thin windows at the top of the walls so I guessed it was dawn. Like me, they must have hardly slept. I heard it then, his heavy authoritative step. A few seconds later and he was in the room, his hands in the pockets of his expensive tan leather jacket, another cigar clamped nonchalantly in his mouth. I struggled to sit up, quickly smoothed my hair and tried to look back at him. I took hold of Dan’s hand, he looked strangely calm and gripped my hand back tightly.