"Colin gave it to me yesterday as a birthday present," I said. "Along with this locket and two tickets to prom."
I deliberately left out the fact that he'd also just gotten me the newest iPod with 32 gigabytes of storage and an antique hair comb and a dress for me to wear to prom. My mom was like me when it came to gifts: she hated extravagance, and I really didn't want to hear her lecture.
"That's nice," she said. "He does know that you hate people spending money on you, though, right?"
I nodded.
"Mom, Colin knows me very well," I informed her, a smile on my face. "He knows me better than most people, I'd wager."
She pursed her lips and nodded curtly, taking a sip of her coffee, still glaring at me over the top of the cup. This wasn't good at all. She wasn't yelling, she wasn't lecturing, she was just sitting there, watching me. She was thinking of a punishment, she was thinking long and hard because I'd snuck out last night to go to my boyfriend's house.
"Nickayla, I know I haven't been home much lately because of work," Mom said. "And I know your dad gave you permission to date this Colin boy. But there's something about your relationship that I just don't...like."
Oh, boy, here we go, I thought, trying hard to resist the urge to roll my eyes.
I set my mug of coffee to the side, giving her my full attention even though I was sure I knew what she was about to say.
"Colin's good to me," I told her simply.
"Nickayla, I don't like the way that he is with you." She stood up, pacing back and forth through the kitchen, as she watched me. "The way he holds you and touches you, it's like he's known you his entire life. It's unnatural. It's not right for a boy to look at you that way."
"What way? Like he loves me?" I retorted, slightly agitated then.
My mom rolled her eyes, smacking her hand on the counter. I jumped, stunned by her quick and angry movement.
"Nickayla what do you know about love?" she asked, her nostrils flaring in that way that they do whenever she's mad. "You've known this boy, what? Five or six months? Do you really think you love him? Do you really think he loves you? You barely even know each other!"
"I know that he does," I said, quietly. "Just because I'm only seventeen doesn't mean that I can't see or experience love. And he knows me better than anyone, even better than you!"
My mom stared at me, awestruck, her jaw hanging low.
I knew that maybe I had taken things too far, but in all honesty, she didn't know me as well as she thought she did. Maybe that was my fault, maybe, but she didn't know the half of it, and if she couldn't be open-minded, then she never would.
"Oh, so he knows about you almost overdosing last year? He knows about your 5150 hold? He knows that you spent months locked up in your room refusing to come out for a reason that none of us even know about?" she fired at me.
"As a matter of fact, yes, he does," I said. "I've told him everything, Mommy, and what do you know? He loves me anyway."
I sighed. I didn't want to argue with my mom. Honestly, that was the last thing that I wanted to do.
"Mom, look, if this is about me leaving last night, I had no other choice," I said.
"And why is that?"
I rolled my eyes, and tried in vain to lower my voice.
"Mom, I know you got a good look at his face," I said. "But why don't you take another one, and you tell me why I couldn't leave them there." I sighed, shoving away from the table. "I know you're pissed at me, but I'm not going to apologize for doing the right thing. You're being ridiculous."
I stormed away from her, wishing that there were a door between us so that I could slam it.
Back in the living room, Colin was still fast asleep. Not wanting to wake him, I sat next to him, pulling his feet into my lap. I sat there, pondering everything that had taken place over the past twenty-four hours.
It seemed surreal that the day before, it was my birthday and we were celebrating, and today...it felt like an entire year had passed and everything had changed. There was a pile of gifts sitting on the table in the foyer, but honestly, they were the last thing on my mind.
I couldn't stop myself from gazing at Colin and admiring how peaceful and serene he looked while he slept. He'd spent the majority of the night distraught and upset, and I never thought I could see his face that peaceful again. The serene smile that was unintentionally placed on his face was definitely a welcome change from the frown he'd worn all last night. I wondered how long it would be before he was smiling on a regular basis again without looking as though someone were pulling his teeth out.
His hand twitched, tossing the blanket off him slightly. I reached down and grabbed it, draping it over him carefully.
Before I had the chance to unwind completely, I heard a faint buzzing sound coming from the coffee table. I moved Colin's legs, setting them back down as I stood up and reached for his cell phone.
Trying not to be the possessive girlfriend, I stifled a groan as I saw Mads' face on the screen.
I pressed the answer button and waited for her to speak.
"Colin, oh my God!" she exclaimed. "I've been worried sick about you! I called your house and your dad just went totally psycho! Are you okay?"
"Colin's actually sleeping right now," I replied, holding the phone up to my ear and walking outside to talk to her.
"Oh," she replied. "Um, who is this?"
I closed the door behind me, crossing my legs as I sat on the steps of the porch.
"This is Nickayla? You know, his girlfriend?" I told her. "Colin's at my house, and he's sleeping right now. Would you like me to give him a message?"
I tucked my hair behind my ears, waiting for her response.
"No, it’s okay," she snapped. "I'll tell him what I need to tell him later."
"Alright," I said. "Bye Madilyn."
I pulled the phone away from my ear to hang up, and I heard my name being called from the phone. I lifted it back up, waiting to hear what Mads had to say.
"Yes?" I asked.
"Next time you see my name on his phone, don't answer it," Madilyn said, her voice snippy and annoyed.
"Excuse me?"
She had some nerve. I could have sworn that we'd gotten past all of that hostility the last time that we talked. I really wasn't expecting her to come at me the way that she did, and after all that had happened the night before, I wasn't in the mood for it.
"You heard me," Mads said. "If I wanted to talk to you, I would call you. I don't expect to get you when I call Colin's phone."
"Correct me if I'm wrong, Mads, but I thought we moved past all of this the last time we talked," I said.
"You thought wrong. I don't like you, Nickayla. I don't want to be your friend, not while you're with Colin."
I shook my head, running my hands through my hair.
"Listen, Madilyn, I really don't have time for any of this," I said, sighing. "You don't even know me well enough not to like me. You have this notion that this is about you, and you are dead wrong. You have no idea what we had to go through last night, and you have no idea how little tolerance I have for bullshit right about now." I looked toward the door. "I'll make sure that Colin knows that you called."
Before she could respond, I hung up the phone. I was so frustrated and angry. The last thing that Colin needed was Madilyn and I fighting, so I had to put all of that aside in order to help him properly.
He needed me, and I was going to be there for him whether Mads liked it or not.
About an hour after my conversation with Mads, I emerged from the shower and put my clothes on quickly. Suze was sitting in my room, purely catatonic. She was on my bed with her hands in her lap as she stared off into space.
"Susanna," I said, taking her hand in mine as I sat across from her. "You should go shower. You can borrow an outfit of mine or Nomi's."
She nodded, accepting my offering in a heartbreaking silence.
I watched her walk to the bathroom and shut the door silently behind her. I shook my
head, wondering how in the world I was going to get the both of them through all of this.
I pulled on my Chucks, walking downstairs and finding Colin up, folding his blankets.
"Good morning," he said, grinning up at me.
As Colin descended the stairs and walked over to me, I was struck again his grace. After everything that had happened the night before, Suze and I were hot ass messes, but Colin, gracious Colin, had a Goddamn smile on his face as though everything was okay.
"Morning," I said, walking over and sitting on the couch next to him. "How are you doing, babe?"
He sat down next to me, shaking his head as he typed out a message on his cell phone.
"I'd be better if Mads wasn't texting me like a fucking lunatic," he said. "I don't even know what her problem is."
"I do," I replied.
He stared at me questioningly as I crossed my legs. I sat forward, taking his hand. The last thing that Colin needed was all of this drama. I had wanted to avoid telling him but thanks to fucking Mads, I wouldn't be able to.
"Colin, honestly, I didn't want to tell you about this," I said. "Mads called earlier looking for you and I answered your phone. She seemed all out of sorts and told me that if I saw her calling, not to bother answering because she doesn't like me. I just told her we have enough to deal with as it is and I hung up."
Colin ran his hands over his face and stared at me grimly. The expression on his face was lethal enough to make me want to run and cower, honestly, but instead, I waited for his reaction.
"Mads said that to you?" he asked. I nodded at him, and he grabbed his phone, picking it up and dialing her number. "I'll fix this."
I shook my head, trying to coax the phone out of his hand. I didn't want or need Colin to fight my battles for me. I could handle an entitled, jealous ex-girlfriend with my hands tied behind my back and my eyes closed. I didn't need Colin to call and chew her out over something that was honestly the least of our worries.
"Colin, no," I said. "I've dealt with it already, and if it happens again, I can deal with it then, too."
"Yeah, well you shouldn't have to," he said, standing up and walking to the other side of the room, putting his hand out to keep me from following him. "Mads needs to hear three things and I'm going to be the one to tell her: A. you're my girlfriend; B. she needs to build a bridge and get the fuck over it; and C. my sister and I don't have a goddamned place to live right now so her theatrics really aren't needed."
He started pacing back and forth in the middle of my living room, sighing furiously as he waited for her to answer the phone.
"Madilyn, what the fuck is your problem?" he yelled, his voice echoing through the living room. "No, I heard what the Hell you said, and honestly, do you think I give a shit whether you like Nic or not? No, I don't, because you can hate her Goddamn guts for all I care and I would still love her Mads, and I would still choose her over you." He paused, listening, his eyes flashing to mine. "You don't even know what the Hell happened last night, Mads! And if you did, you would know that this bullshit is the last thing that any of us need right now!" He looked up at the ceiling as he rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well things change. You're not the first one that I come to when things go South anymore, and that pisses you off, but guess what? I don't give two shits what pisses you off!" He shook his head as he gripped the edge of the couch so tightly that his knuckles turned white. "No, Mads, I will not calm down, and I will not listen to what you've got to say. You're acting like a child! No! Shut the fuck up Mads because I really am not in the mood for this right now!" His face turned beet red and a low growl escaped his throat. "Madilyn, Nickayla is my girlfriend. You need to respect that, and fucking respect her!"
He hung up his phone and tossed it on the couch as he gestured for me to come over to him. I did so cautiously, but the minute I was within arm's reach of him, he pulled me close and hugged me tightly.
He placed his hands at the nape of my neck, massaging my scalp through my hair. I closed my eyes and laid my head on his chest.
"Are you okay?" he asked softly.
Involuntarily, I let out a small laugh.
"Are you seriously asking me that?" I asked. "I'm fine. Mads doesn't faze me at all. Honestly, the only reason that I didn't want to tell you is because it should be the very last thing on your mind."
Colin leaned his forehead against mine, nodding slowly. In many ways, he was exactly like me.
"True, but you're still the first thing on my mind," Colin said. "It's not lost on me that you've stopped having nightmares but you've started having panic attacks. And I can see how badly talking about the Kyle thing still upsets you. I think we should look into finding you a support group or something."
Even though I was opposed to it for a long time, attending a support group didn't sound so bad. The worst part about my depression and everything that came with it was the feeling that I was all alone. Even worse than that was feeling like no matter whom I talked to, no one would understand what I'd gone through.
I pondered Colin's suggestion, then kissed him on the cheek.
"Text Keaton," I said. "Maybe he's got some ideas about how to help you and Suze."
"Nickayla," Colin said, his voice slightly agitated. "Don't change the subject. We need to talk about this."
"Yes, but your problem is bigger than my problem."
"Don't ever say that! And they're our problems Nic, so we should handle them together."
I pulled away from his embrace but I held his hands. I brought one up to my face and kissed his palm lightly. I closed my eyes, and his hand found my waist, pulling me up against him once more.
"Okay, babe," I mused. "I'll make you a deal. We meet up with Keaton and figure something out, and after that, we'll look into a support group. I'll go."
His eyes lit up instantly and he grinned that crooked smile that made my knees go weak.
"You will?" he exclaimed, more excitedly than I'd originally anticipated. "Thank you, pretty girl that means the world to me."
I tugged on his hand and pulled him forward. My back was up against the couch but he gripped my waist and moved me so that he was where I was, and I was leaning against him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and in one quick instant, he let himself fly backward and I toppled forward on top of him so that we were a huge tangle of flailing limbs and giggles.
Colin grunted and closed his eyes, and forcing myself to stifle my laughter, I propped myself up on my elbow and looked down at him with concern. "Did I hurt you?" I asked, my voice laced with worry.
He shook his head no, but he didn't open his eyes. I touched my hand to his face, and he opened his green eyes. I could see that they'd filled with tears when merely a few moments ago, they'd been alight with laughter.
"Colin, what's wrong?" I asked.
He forced himself into a seated position and I followed suit, sitting next to him and placing my hand on his knee.
"You realize that if we ask Keaton how to fix this situation, he's going to suggest Suze and I move in with him and Carly, yes?" he asked. "That means I'll live an hour away, in Riverside. That means we won't get to see each other as often."
"Hey," I said, shaking my head.
I touched my thumb and forefinger to his chin, drawing it up and toward me so and forcing him to look me in the eyes.
"Babe, don't think like that," I said. "And even if you guys do have to live in Riverside with Keaton and Carly, I'd rather you be far away from me and safe than close to me and in danger every time you walk through your own front door. For me it's a no-brainer, and if that's what has to happen, then we'll figure it out." I picked up his cell phone and handed it to him, nodding reassuringly. "Text your brother."
Colin groaned as he typed out a quick text message to his older brother. He forced a small pout and looked at me through green puppy dog eyes.
"Happy now?" he asked.
"Ecstatic," I replied, without hesitation.
He looked utterly nonplussed at my response, bu
t even so, he kissed my nose and rested his chin atop my head. I wrapped my arms around him, giggling at his expression.
I heard a creak from the stairs and looked up in time to see Suze descending the stairs, a grim expression on her face. She still looked as upset as she had earlier, and the shower clearly didn't change that. She stalked through the living room and sat down on the couch adjacent to us.
"Morning, Banana," Colin said, waving his hand lightly.
Suze just gave him a nod, crossing her legs Indian style as she looked off into the distance.
Colin eyed me then he stood up.
"Susanna," he said, walking over to her and waving his hands in her face. "Earth to Suze." Her head snapped up and she looked at him through glazed over eyes. "What's wrong?"
I watched as her lower lip began to tremble and she bit it to cease the movement. I wanted to get up and hug her, but I felt that what she needed to hear was best heard from Colin.
"Geez, Colin, what's not wrong?" she exclaimed, tears filling her eyes. "I can't even stop thinking about what would have happened if..."
"Do not let your mind go there, Suze," Colin scolded. "I'm fine. You're fine. We're going to figure this shit out."
I sat forward, watching as he hugged his sister tightly and she cried silently into his shoulders. It was interesting watching from the outside how caring Colin was for other people. He held her and smoothed her hair down, then smiled at her when she finally stopped crying and stuck his tongue out at her.
Their interaction seemed so personal and private, but I couldn't bring myself to look away from their moment because it was so fascinating. I'd never gotten to watch him interact with her outside of their witty banter.
Even so, whatever guilt Suze was feeling wasn't going to be fixed by a hug and one good cry. She needed to get her mind off what happened in a way that didn't involve her talking about it.
"Hey, Suze, Colin and I have an errand to run later, but I think Nomi's going to the mall," I informed her. "Why don't you see if you can tag along and have some fun for a while?"
"Where are you guys going?" she asked.
Colin's cell phone buzzed and he looked at it, reading whatever text message he'd gotten and replying to it.
Losing Me Page 29