by Amber Garza
Stepping toward me, she pats my cheek. “Josh is hotheaded, Christian.” She shrugs. “And I know someone else who is just like that.”
I stiffen, hating that she’s comparing me to him. We are nothing alike. “What happened was so long ago. Don’t you ever get tired of people acting like it was yesterday? I mean, shit, whatever happened to forgive and forget?”
“Language,” Mom warns. She’s the only parent I know who doesn’t allow her teenage son to say a cuss word every now and then.
But I know better, so I mutter, “Sorry.”
Satisfied with my apology, Mom says, “This town doesn’t forgive and forget very easily. People around here have gotten good at holding grudges.”
I shake my head. “It’s stupid.”
“Yes, it is.” She smiles. “But I can’t change it. I can’t control what others think about me. I can only control what I think about me, and I’m content with who I am. I know I’ve made mistakes in life. Including one really huge mistake. But I’ve learned from it, and I’m a better person now.”
“If only everyone else could see that.”
“It’s okay if they don’t. Their opinions don’t matter to me.” Leaning over, she gives me a swift hug. “The only opinions that matter to me are mine, yours, and that of my closest friends.”
Mom has always seen the world through rose-colored glasses. Sometimes I wish we could trade. Just once I’d like to see through her lenses. But I don’t see what she does. To me the world is a much darker place.
“Now I really have to get going.” She glances down at my coffee cup. “Go easy on that stuff. I don’t need you having a heart attack at seventeen.”
“Eighteen,” I correct her.
“Not until next month.” She waggles her fingers at me. “You’re already growing up fast enough. Don’t rush it.”
I grin at her as she snatches up her purse and hurries toward the front door. After she leaves, I suck down the remaining coffee in my mug and then yank my lunch out of the fridge. When I spin around, I spot Cal pulling up in front of my house. Since Mom and I share a car, Cal drives me to school most days. But it doesn’t bother me. It makes sense for Cal and me to carpool. We’re always together anyway.
I race into my room to grab my backpack off the floor. Then I walk down the hallway and out the front door. It’s not until after I lock it that I notice her. She’s sitting in the passenger seat next to Cal. I inhale sharply. It’s not like Emmy never rides with us. Before she got her license she rode with us all the time. Even since she got her own car she sometimes chooses to tag along with her brother. Then again, she’s always been like that.
When we were kids it used to drive me nuts. How she would follow us around like she was Cal’s shadow. She seemed to be everywhere. We could never shake her. And she was annoying, always whining or needing help. I could never understand why Cal put up with her. In fact, he not only put up with her, but he encouraged her to hang out with us. It didn’t make sense.
Until the day I witnessed something that made it all clear.
It was a hot summer afternoon. Cal and I had spent all morning riding bikes around the neighborhood. It was the one day we had to ourselves because Emmy had popped the back tire of her bike earlier that morning. She had to wait for her dad to come home that evening before it could get fixed. Cal attempted to talk me into doing something different so Emmy could take part, but I insisted on riding bikes. Cal gave in, mostly because I had gotten a brand new bike a few days before. And he knew how much I loved riding it.
I had to take a break to go to the bathroom, but Cal stayed outside. When I headed in the house, I heard Emmy and her mom talking. They couldn’t see me because they were in Maise’s office, and I had come in through the garage door in the kitchen. But their voices were loud, so I could hear every word.
“Please, Mom, I’m bored,” Emmy whined, and I cringed. I heard that whiny voice in my nightmares. Holding my breath, I prayed she wouldn’t figure out I was inside the house. The last thing I wanted was for her to beg me to play with her. I’d finally gotten a break.
“Well, then, find something to do,” Maise instructed her.
“There’s nothing to do,” Emmy responded in that same whiny tone. “Cal is riding his bike so there’s no one to play with.”
“You’re a big girl. You can figure it out.”
“Can’t you take a break from your writing and play a game with me or something?”
I thought about all the games my mom and I played at home. We had a whole closet full of board games. But it was card games that Mom liked best. And I remembered her telling me that she and Maise used to play cards all the time when they were younger. I was sure Maise would take her up on the offer and then I’d be home free.
“Why can’t you use your imagination? Why do you always have to have someone to entertain you? When I was a little girl I didn’t need anyone to play with me. I made up worlds in my head. I could keep myself company. Why can’t you be like that?” There was disappointment in Maise’s voice, and it turned my stomach. My mom never talked to me like that. She always told me how special I was. How I was unique and amazing. “I swear, sometimes I wonder if you’re really my child. You’re nothing like me at all.”
“No, I’m not!” Emmy shot back. “And I hope I never am!”
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that, young lady.” I’d never heard Maise so angry. I cowered in the kitchen.
“When I’m a mom I’ll spend time with my daughter!” Emmy kept going. She had balls, I’d give her that.
“Not if she’s anything like you, you won’t, trust me.”
I winced at her words. A frustrated sob tore down the hallway, reaching my ears. Loud footsteps told me that Emmy was running back to her room.
“Emmy,” Maise called after her. “I didn’t mean it.”
A door slammed, and I flinched. Pressing my back to the wall, I waited for Maise to go after Emmy. But instead, the door to Maise’s office clicked closed. Then I heard the sound of typing on a keyboard. Was she really not going to make up with Emmy? Was she not going to take away the hurtful words? I couldn’t imagine my mom doing that. Rarely did she say something out of anger toward me, but when she did, she apologized immediately. Taking a deep breath, I pushed off the wall and trekked down the hallway.
I was dangerously close to peeing my pants now and I barely made it to the bathroom before I started going. Luckily it all got in the toilet. When I headed back into the hallway, Emmy’s sobs slipped under her doorframe. I wanted to ignore them. I wanted to get back outside to riding my bike, to hanging out with Cal. What I wanted more than anything was to go back to enjoying my Emmy-free day, but I couldn’t do that.
The little boy who always wished for a relationship with his own dad couldn’t get the sound of Emmy’s cries out of his head. I knew what it felt like to be rejected by a parent. And, let me tell you, nothing sucked worse. Now I understood why Cal never pushed Emmy away, and why Emmy clung to him like he was her lifeline. Apparently he was.
Taking a few tentative steps forward, I rapped twice on Emmy’s door. When she didn’t immediately answer, I rapped two more times, and then a third and fourth quickly. It was Cal’s secret knock. The door swung open. Emmy stood before me, tears streaking her face, her pigtails loose and messy. She didn’t say a word. Just sniffed, and wiped a hand under her nose.
“Wanna come outside with me? I’ll let you try out my new bike.”
“Really?” Her eyes widened. Already some of the sadness was leaving her eyes, the usual brightness returning.
I nodded.
She bit her lip, hesitating a moment. “But what if I break the tire like I did on mine?”
“You didn’t break it. You popped it,” I corrected.
When her eyes darkened, I regretted my words.
“But it doesn’t matter. Even if you break it, I won’t be mad. It’s just a thing. It’s not like it’s a person.”
A broad smile b
roke out on her face. “Okay. Thanks.”
The truth was that I didn’t want her to break my bike. It was the nicest thing I’d ever owned. And luckily she didn’t screw it up at all. But even if she had, I’d like to think I wouldn’t have regretted my decision. I may have only been a child, but there was wisdom in my words. The bike was only a thing. Emmy’s a person, and she’s more important than any material object ever will be.
“Hey,” Emmy says now, stepping out of the car when I approach.
I’m taken aback by the greeting. I wasn’t expecting her to get out of the car to say hi, “Hey,” I speak warily. “Where’s your car?”
“In the shop,” she explains.
“Tell him why.” Cal raises an eyebrow in her direction.
She wears a challenging look. “It needed maintenance.”
“Yeah. After being driven into a pole,” Cal interjects.
“A pole?” My insides tighten. “Are you okay?”
She holds her arms out. “As you can see, I’m fine.”
She’s fine all right. Her tight jeans and sweater hug her in all the right places, showing off every supple curve. Clearing my throat, I force my head away from her sexy figure. Not that it helps much. When I look up, my gaze locks in on her long silky hair, shimmering eyes, and plump kissable lips.
“The pole didn’t fare as well though,” Cal jokes.
“It’s no big deal,” she says in an exasperated voice. “I just grazed it with my fender when I was trying to park at the mall.”
“Yeah. At the mall,” Cal says. “And then after she crashed into the pole she still went in to shop.”
“It was the last day of the sale, and I really wanted this top.” She glances down, and my gaze follows. I gotta say it was not a bad choice.
“We really gotta work on those priorities,” Cal says. As I continue staring at her top, I firmly disagree with him.
“When did this happen?” I’d never seen the top before. Trust me, I would have noticed it.
“Yesterday afternoon,” she answers.
“You didn’t say anything at dinner last night,” I point out.
“Would you? Probably didn’t want everyone to find out what a terrible driver she is.” Cal’s lips twitch at the corners.
“I’m so getting a ride with Ashley tomorrow,” Emmy says with a groan.
“Just don’t drive by the mall.” Cal guffaws.
Emmy shakes her head. Then she reaches down to grab her backpack off the floor. “Anyway, Christian, you can have the front.”
“No, that’s okay.”
“C’mon, we both know the back is too cramped for you.” She smiles. “I insist.”
“Well, if you insist then there’s no reason to fight it.”
“Right?” Cal chuckles. “Miss Stubborn over here never changes her mind.”
I laugh too. It feels good to be bantering with the two of them. It almost makes me forget about everything that’s transpired over the past week.
Emmy sticks out her tongue at us.
“Very mature,” Cal teases her.
“I learn from the best.” She opens the back door and slides into the car.
After sitting down in the passenger seat, my gaze finds Emmy’s in the rearview mirror. When our eyes meet, she grins, giving me a subtle nod. And then I know why she gave me the front seat. She’s calling a truce.
I’ll gladly take it.
EMMY
At first I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to ride with Cal this morning, but now I’m glad I did. I hated how things felt between Christian and me last night. It was weird and awkward, so unlike the way we are around each other. Being around Christian is usually as easy as breathing. I’ve known Christian most of my life. It’s hard to imagine my life before he was in it. I mean, I know there was a time when he wasn’t. I have vague memories from before he and his mom moved to Prairie Creek.
Most of them involved that annoying neighbor kid that Cal used to hang out with. Keith, I think his name was. He’s since moved, thank goodness. He liked giving me wedgies and pulling my hair. When I would complain about him Mom would shake her head and say that’s how boys show you they like you. I decided then and there that I never wanted a boy to like me.
My stance on that has since changed.
Although, sometimes it still feels that way. Love hurts. That’s what I keep learning, and I don’t like it one bit. Also, I don’t think it’s supposed to.
However, it seems to be the case when it comes to me. I’m always wanting the affection of someone who doesn’t want me back. It’s like the curse of being Emmy or something. Except for Cal. He’s the one person on this planet who I don’t have to perform for. He loves me no matter what. I used to think of Christian the same way, but things feel different now.
But I don’t want to fight with him. If I can’t have him the way I want to, then I want to go back to how things were. Back to when he was being all big-brotherly and protective. Back to when we joked and bantered like siblings. And this morning we’ve found that old rhythm. Cal turns on the radio and the boys sing along to some Bruno Mars song, crooning at the top of their lungs. It sounds like two dogs dying, but it makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts.
It’s perfect. The best morning I’ve had in a long time.
As Cal pulls into the school parking lot, Christian belts out the last line in the song. I throw my head back, a stream of laughter spilling from my lips. Christian’s eyes catch mine in the rearview mirror, and he laughs too. I love this. This connection with Christian, where we can communicate without saying a word. It’s been like this since we were kids. One raised eyebrow or curve of our lips from across the room could convey so much. We perfected the art of speaking without words over the years, sitting across from each other at the dinner table. Even Cal has teased us about it. The two of them may be best friends, but there’s no denying our connection.
However, reality punches me in the gut when I see Josh standing a few feet away watching us. Christian’s face grows serious. I close my mouth, my laughter ceasing. The car quiets, tension returning.
Cal guides the car into a parking space, oblivious to what’s happening.
As I gather up my belongings, Cal and Christian exit the car. By the time I step outside, Christian is already across the lot. His back is to me, his shoulders rigid. He doesn’t even look back. Not even when Cal jogs toward him.
The moment is broken.
Or perhaps it was never there to begin with.
****
The cafeteria is already packed by the time Josh and I get there. Usually I walk to lunch with Ashley since she and I have the class before this together. But when we stepped out of math, Josh was waiting for me, leaning against the wall, one leg bent like he thought he was posing for an ad in a catalogue. And he did look good. So why didn’t I feel anything? In the past, Josh always had the capacity to make my heart skip a beat. One look, one smile, one touch is all it took to get my pulse racing. Now it’s like I’ve flat-lined. And it’s happening at the worst time. Josh is finally giving me the attention I’ve always longed for. Ashley can’t stop gushing about it. If only I could drum up the same excitement. Then again, Ashley’s always been pretty giddy about my relationship with Josh. She’s actually the one who introduced us. She was dating Chase at the time, and she was anxious for me to date a guy on the team so we could double.
When my gaze sweeps the room, I find Ashley sitting with the baseball team. It’s where we normally sit, and I know it’s where Josh is headed. It causes my stomach to tighten. As we near the table, I look over at Cal and Christian.
Before Ashley and I became friends I never sat with the baseball team. Not because I couldn’t. I knew Cal would be cool with it, but I never wanted to use my brother as a way to make friends. Besides, I felt like I should have a life separate from him. So I used to sit out in the quad with my former friends. I guess you can call them the nerds. Ashley does. But even though none of them like me anymore,
I can’t call them that. It feels like a betrayal. Especially because deep down I know I belong more with them than I do here.
Often I feel like an imposter.
When Ashley spots me she leaps up. “Hey, girl.” Her blond hair swishes around her shoulders, the scent of her expensive perfume wafts through the air. She definitely belongs here. It was she who first dragged me to this table. I had hemmed and hawed, explaining that this was my brother’s turf, but she insisted I was being ridiculous. Her boyfriend at the time was at this table, and that made it as much ours as my brother’s, she said. So I followed just like always.
It’s what I’d gotten good at -following.
Ashley links her arm through mine and ushers me toward the table while whispering in my ear, “Oh, my gosh. Wasn’t that so romantic how Josh was waiting for you after class? I really think he feels bad about the other night. He’s like a changed man.”
She’s right. He is, and I can’t figure out why. Ashley may believe he has pure intentions, but I know better. Something’s up.
Ashley must sense my hesitation because she squeezes my arm tighter. “Don’t you think it’s romantic, Emmy?”
“Yeah.” I nod, and force a smile.
After we sit down, I notice Josh has already found a seat across the table with Chase and Nolan. I hate that I feel relief about it. He’s been practically attached to my hip all week, and I need some breathing room. It’s odd, because last week I wanted nothing more than for Josh to notice me, to put some effort into our relationship. Now that he has I want him to leave me alone. Why is that?
The minute my gaze floats to the other side of the table, I know exactly why it is. Christian’s head bobs up, his neck craning in my direction. Cheeks warming, I glance down at my hands. I seriously need to get a grip.
“Emmy, are you even listening to me?” Ashley’s voice cuts into my thoughts.
“Um…I’m sorry. What were you saying?” I return my focus to my best friend, attempting to abandon all thoughts of Christian. Of course that’s easier said than done. As hard as I try to listen to Ashley’s words, my mind keeps replaying my kiss with Christian. It’s the only thing I can think about lately. It consumes my thoughts day and night, and I wish it would stop. But when I hear the words “party” and “Friday night” I perk up.