by Amber Garza
“A baseball party?”
“Yeah. Aren’t you going?”
I bite my lip, my eyes flickering over to Josh. “I don’t know.”
“Oh, come on, you know he’s going to invite you.” She smiles. “And you’re going to invite me. Also, I know just the outfit you can borrow of mine.” Ashley’s always trying to dress me like I’m her own personal paper doll. Which is fine since she has a great sense of style. Not that mine is bad. I dress pretty cute most days. A lot cuter than I used to dress. Then again, everything I know about fashion I learned from Ashley.
“That sounds fun, but I’ll have to let you know.”
Ashley rolls her eyes and blows out a frustrated breath. Turning her head, she says, “Josh, you’re gonna invite Emmy to go with you to the party on Friday night, right?” My chest tightens. I’d never talk to Josh like that. Of course, if I did he’d probably embarrass me in front of the entire table. Ashley’s like that though. She’s pushy. Everyone knows it. That’s probably why she gets away with it. It’s also probably why she can’t keep a boyfriend.
“Of course.” Josh grins in my direction. “I was going to ask her later today, actually.”
“Sorry. Beat you to it.” Ashley throws him a wink before returning her attention to me. “See. Sometimes a girl’s gotta take action. It wouldn’t kill you to be a little more assertive.”
“I tried that last Friday night, remember? A lot of good it did me.”
“It did you a lot of good,” Ashley points out. “Josh has never been so into you.”
Is that the real reason Josh is acting like this? Is it because I finally stood up for myself? I assumed he liked when I was submissive, but maybe he doesn’t want a girlfriend who does everything he says. Maybe he has more depth than I thought. Hearing laughter, I glance over. Josh and his friends are throwing spitballs toward the band table.
So, clearly not. Clearly that was wishful thinking.
At the other end of the table Cal and Christian are hunched over in conversation, no doubt strategizing for their first scrimmage next week. I recognize the intense expression and strong set of Christian’s mouth. And I find myself wanting nothing more than to get up, walk over there and plant myself next to Christian. I want to take his face in my hands and kiss him the way he kissed me last weekend. I want to confess my feelings to him.
But I know that would be stupid on so many levels. So I stay planted in my seat, listening to Ashley drone on about the party on Friday night and faking smiles of adoration in my boyfriend’s direction.
CHRISTIAN
Prairie Creek is full of open fields. As a kid I loved to ride my bike over the dirt mounds and race through the vast expanses of land. When I got a little older, Cal and I would go four-wheeling out in the country. Now the fields provide the perfect venue for parties. Out in the middle of nowhere we aren’t bothering anyone. The police don’t get called, parents don’t get mad about their house getting trashed. It’s a win-win.
Tonight’s party takes place on the outskirts of town at Old Willis’s Farm. Years ago, an old man named Fred Willis lived here. Legend has it that he tried to kill his wife when he found out she was cheating on him. After she ran off, he went bat-shit crazy and the whole town was afraid of him. When he died, the property was willed to his son who lives in New York. But by that time the house was a dump and he didn’t want it. Now it sits empty, rotting away. Most of the kids in town are still scared to go anywhere near this property. Some adults too. That’s why it’s the perfect location for a party. Lots of open space and an available barn if we need to take shelter.
Already there is a bonfire burning and a couple of kegs set up. Kids are everywhere, laughing, chatting, and making out. I weave through the crowd searching for Cal. We showed up together, but I lost him almost immediately when I started up a conversation with Palmer. It’s weird because we were talking about the scrimmage next week and normally Cal’s all about baseball. But he’s been acting off all night.
When I find Cal he’s lip-locked with some strange brunette. I wonder if this is the mysterious Melissa he’s always raving about. I’ve yet to meet his college girlfriend, and sometimes I tease him that she must be fictional. He doesn’t like that very much. Once Cal and the mystery girl come up for air, I instantly recognize her. Nope. Not Melissa.
“Hey, you know Gabby, right?” Cal points to the brunette.
“Yeah, I think we had science together last year.”
She nods. “I think so.” Her voice is odd, all high-pitched and squeaky. Even worse than Ashley’s, and that’s saying something.
When Gabby goes to get a drink, I yank Cal aside. “What about Melissa?”
“What about her?” Cal is already slurring his words. I notice two red Solo cups on the ground near where he was sitting with Gabby. That’s not a good sign. He must be slamming them down. Guess I’m driving us home. Usually Cal’s the responsible one.
“Well, what if she finds out you’re at some party making out with another girl?” He may be drunk, but I need him to see reason. Even though I’ve never met Melissa, I know he’s really into her.
“She won’t give a rat’s ass.” He waves away my words with a shaky hand. “In fact, she’s probably at some college party doing some frat boy.”
Understanding washes over me. “So you guys broke up?’
Frowning, he nods.
“I’m sorry, man.”
Cal shakes his head. “I’m not. I’m glad. Now I can be with whoever I want whenever I want. I don’t have to be tied down to one girl. This stallion,” He points to himself, “needs to roam free.”
“Okay.” I place a hand on his arm. “Let’s reign it in their, horse boy.” Rarely do I see “Drunk Cal” and it’s pretty entertaining. But he’s still my best friend, and I’ve always got his back. Tonight, having is back means making sure he doesn’t make a fool of himself.
Gabby returns and Cal’s all over her again. Oh well. That’ll probably keep him out of trouble. Or at least keep him entertained. And, really, it’s the best way to get his mind off of Melissa.
“Hey, Christian,” a flirty female voice interrupts my thoughts.
I turn around, coming face-to-face with a pretty dark-haired girl. It takes a minute for me to remember that we’ve met before.
“Selena, right?”
She smiles. “You remembered?”
“Of course.” Glancing back at Cal, I realize that he has the right idea. If Gabby can help him get over Melissa, then maybe Selena can help me get over Emmy. “You alone?” I ask her.
Her grin deepens. “Yeah. You?”
“Yep.” A cool breeze whisks over my skin.
“I guess it’s my lucky day.” She shivers, and I place an arm around her shoulders.
“I guess it is.” I guide her forward. “Can I get you a drink?”
“Sure.” She nestles in closer as we head toward the kegs.
Hayes is standing near the kegs passing out red Solo cups. He helps me pour beer into two of them. I don’t know Hayes that well. He’s a year younger than Cal and me, but he’s a damn good hitter. Left handed too. He got pulled up to varsity last year when he was only a sophomore. At first I wasn’t sure about him. Mostly because he was always making jokes and being goofy. But the first time I saw him hit the ball, all of my doubts vanished. He’s the real deal.
“Have fun, man.” He winks at me as Selena and I turn away from the keg, both of us fisting our filled cups. The bitter scent of beer fills my senses.
“I will,” I assure him.
Lowering her head, Selena blushes. She really is pretty with her dark skin and long silky hair. Not only that, but she’s got a great body.
“So, you ready for your first scrimmage this week?” She asks, surprising me.
“You know our schedule?”
She shrugs, daintily sipping her beer. Foam coats her lips and she licks it off slowly. She’s no novice. My insides flip. “Our whole team does.”
“Oh, that’s right. You play softball.”
“Second year on varsity.” She smiles proudly.
Pretty and a softball player. Where has she been all my life? She saunters toward a large tree looming overhead and leans her back against it. I prop one of my hands against the rough bark and am about to take a swallow of my beer when I remember how inebriated Cal is. Lowering the beer, I sigh. I could’ve really used it to take the edge off. After I set it on the ground I glance at Selena, and she bats her eyelashes at me. Then again, maybe I don’t need alcohol tonight.
When her eyes meet mine, she smiles, and I know it’s an invitation. I don’t think I even needed one. The chick’s been sending me signals from the minute we started talking. However, I can’t shut off the manners my mom’s taught me over the years. Lowering my head, I angle my face toward hers. She holds her beer near her waist and raises her chin. Our lips almost touch when I see Emmy. She’s walking in my direction holding Josh’s hand. Ashley saunters beside her, her gaze bouncing around as if she’s looking for someone. Which I’m sure she is. Probably looking for her latest victim. Josh peers over at Emmy and says something that makes her giggle. And it’s all I can take. Closing my eyes, I press my lips to Selena’s.
As she kisses me back, I do my best to lose myself in her so I can forget about the one girl I can’t stop thinking about. The one girl I can’t have.
The only girl I really want.
EMMY
The last thing I want to see when I show up to the party is Christian making out with some other girl. But that is literally the first thing I see. And not only is he kissing her, but he has her pinned up against a tree as if he wants to do much more than that. My gaze jumps to his hands in her hair, his fingers tangling in the strands, and my stomach sours. The bill of his baseball cap is pressing into her forehead, and I wonder if it hurts. Not the kiss. The bill of the cap on her forehead. I don’t have to guess what the kiss feels like. I know exactly what it’s like to kiss Christian, to have his fingers in my hair, to feel his palm against my cheek.
Man, why am I thinking about this at all?
“Helloooo, Emmy.” Ashley waves her hand in front of my face.
“Oh, sorry.” I blink as if coming out of a daze.
“What’s going on with you?” Ashley’s eyebrows knit together. “Josh was asking if you wanted a drink and you were just totally spacing out.”
Josh stares at me wearing a pensive look. Then he peers over in Christian’s direction (who is still kissing that random girl) before returning his attention back to me. My insides churn.
“Sorry. Sometimes I just zone out. You know me.” I force a giggle, and Ashley joins in. I’m not stupid, but every once in awhile it behooves me to play the dumb blond. Besides, Ashley likes it. She hates when I get all “brainy” as she calls it. Really she’s referring to me being rational or mature, but whatever. “No, I’m not drinking, remember? I drove. Go ahead and get one for yourselves though.”
“You sure?” Ashley asks, but Josh is already making a beeline for the keg.
“Yeah.” I’m surprised she’s even pushing this. I never drink. It’s one of the main reasons I always offer to drive. Well, that and the fact that I like knowing I can leave when I want. Thank god Dad’s mechanic was able to fix my car fast. If I hadn’t gotten it back today I might not have even come to this party. Ashley never lets me drive her car, but she also never refrains from drinking, so having her as designated driver is pointless.
“Cool. Thanks,” she says.
When she heads over to the keg, I spot Josh chatting with Chase and Nolan, already chugging from a red Solo cup. I know I should join him, but the idea of it exhausts me. Without meaning to, I find my gaze slipping back to the tree I’d seen Christian under. He’s still going at it with the dark-haired girl, and I feel sick. Maybe I shouldn’t have offered to be the DD. I could really use a drink tonight. Watching Christian stick his tongue down another girl’s throat makes me want to get so drunk I can’t think straight. But I know better. My parents have scared me with their endless stories of people wrapping their cars around trees or killing poor innocent families while driving drunk. It’s not a risk I’m willing to take. Besides, drinking has never appealed to me. In all the times I’ve watched Ashley get hammered, nothing about it has appeared fun. The first time I saw her fall all over herself and puke in the bushes, I decided the party life wasn’t for me.
Pulling my gaze away from Christian, I hurry over to Josh. Perhaps if I focus on my boyfriend I can erase all thoughts of the boy that shouldn’t be on my mind. As Josh drapes his arm over my shoulders, drawing me into his side, I remind myself that I made the right choice when I stayed with him. Clearly our kiss meant nothing to Christian. He kisses new girls every week. It’s like his lips can’t help themselves. They have to attach to any girl within a two-mile radius or something. I can’t believe I fell for his act. I would’ve thrown away everything for him, and that would have been the worst mistake ever.
Then I would be alone right now. My stomach clenches at the thought. There’s nothing I hate more than being alone. My mom loves solitude. I’ve heard her say a million times that her favorite part of the day is when we are at school and she has the house to herself. Which I guess makes sense because that’s when she gets to spend time with imaginary characters, and we all know that she likes them more than real-life people. As a kid I used to be so jealous of her characters. In her office she has a corkboard where she pins little index cards filled with information about her characters – height, weight, hair and eye color. I used to go into her office, yank down those cards and tear them into tiny pieces. It was like I believed I could truly get rid of them that way. But all I succeeded in doing was making Mom upset with me. As if I needed to give her any more ammunition.
But I don’t have imaginary friends or characters filling my mind. Therefore, when I’m alone, I’m truly alone. And I hate it. I hate the silence. I hate the emptiness. I hate the loneliness. But most of all I hate feeling like no one really cares. Being at this party with Josh’s arm around me, I can pretend I’m someone special. Someone worthy of attention. Even if deep down, I know it isn’t true.
Josh, Chase and Nolan are talking about baseball while chugging their beers. The bitter scent wafts under my nose. When Josh laughs some beer sloughs out of his cup and lands on the toe of my boot. He doesn’t notice and keeps on talking. Ashley sidles up beside me, her gaze flitting around. Clearly she’s on the prowl. I nod my head in Hayes’ direction.
“Hayes has been checkin’ you out since we got here,” I say.
“Of course he has.” She rolls her eyes. “But I’m so not interested.”
“Why not? Hayes is a nice guy.” I’ve always liked him. He’s funny and easy to talk to. He never judges me the way some of the other guys do. During the first baseball party I attended with Ashley, he was the only guy who talked to me at all. Ashley had immediately abandoned me for some guy she hooked up with, and I was all by myself. None of the other guys on the team would even look at me, much less talk to me. Oh, the perils of being the pitcher’s sister. But Hayes saw me sitting alone in the middle of the field counting weeds, and we struck up a conversation. By the end of the night I found myself crushing on him a little. Cal was upset when he found us, worried that Hayes had been hitting on me, but I assured him that Hayes wasn’t. And I was being truthful. Nothing about the way Hayes interacted with me felt predatory at all. He was nice, friendly, and funny. That’s it.
“I’m not looking for nice.” Ashley stares at Hayes, wrinkling her nose. “I’m looking for hot. And that tub o’ goo is not hot.”
I hate when Ashley says things like that. Hayes is a bigger guy, yes. But he’s not fat. Not even a little bit. And he may not be hot in the standard sense of the word, but he is good looking. Not in the way Christian or Josh is, but I still think he’s cute. Besides, doesn’t personality count for anything anymore? The truth is that there are times I wish I’d ended up dating
Hayes instead of Josh. I’d probably be happier.
My gaze involuntarily skates over to Christian as if it has a mind of its own. And I realize that Hayes wouldn’t actually make me happy either. There’s only one guy I really want to be with, and he’s currently in the arms of another girl.
“Hey, what’s going on with you?” Ashley asks, her eyes following mine.
“Nothing.” I shake my head vehemently.
She knits her eyebrows together. “You sure?”
“Positive.” Man, I need to stop staring at Christian. I’m making everyone suspicious.
Ashley’s mouth drops open. “Is that your brother?”
My head whips to where she’s looking. “Oh, no.” I’ve never seen my brother so drunk. He can barely walk. He’s stumbling over his own feet while some girl tries and fails to hold him up. But that doesn’t stop him from laughing and hollering out unintelligible things. Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t look at Christian anymore tonight, I have no choice. He’s the only one who can help me right now.
Lucky for me, he’s finally stopped kissing that girl. And that’s when I recognize her as Selena, one of the softball players. Great. There’s no way I can compete with her. It was the main reason I wanted to play ball when I was younger – so I’d have something in common with Christian and Cal. Seems that Selena has an advantage I can only dream of. Cal’s laughing catches my attention, reminding me that there’s something more important I have to deal with right now.
“Um…Josh. I’ll be right back.” I nod my head toward Cal. “I have to go deal with…something.”
He nods with understanding, yet there is a flicker of annoyance in his eyes. I can’t worry about it right now though. Stepping away from him, I head toward my brother. The ground slopes downward and I lose my footing, my ankle rolling to the side slightly. Geez, I haven’t even been drinking. Cheeks warming, I hope no one noticed. Regaining my balance, I hurry forward. Christian catches my eye and moves toward us.