Taking Chances

by Deanna Frances

  “Hey,” Matt said trying to act tough. “I was just talking to her, that’s all. I asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime as friends, but she is the one acting so damn stubborn.”

  “Hey!” I argued.

  “Syd, let me take care of this.” Spencer looked back at me and gave me a compassionate look.

  “So, Matt,” Spencer stepped forward and Matt held his ground, “Do you know what to do if a girl says she’s not interested? You back off.” He said this with an edge to his voice that I’d never heard before. It was protective. “Especially if she’s already in a relationship.” He took another step forward, and Matt’s expression became nervous.

  “Spencer,” I warned, not wanting it to turn into a fight. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll leave if it happens again.”

  Spencer turned around, looked at me, and sighed. He walked back towards me and wrapped his arm around my waist. “You’d better watch it before I catch you again, Matt. You may be her friend, but I won’t let you walk all over her,” he warned. I turned him around and we walked away. Thankfully, my shift was over anyway, so it wasn’t like I was leaving early. Matt sighed unhappily.

  It was silent until I got out to my car. Spencer had parked near me, so he just stayed by my car for a minute.

  “I’ll meet you at your house?” I asked. “I can cook something.”

  “All right,” Spencer sighed. “But I’ll do the cooking. See you in a bit.”

  “Bye,” We got into our cars without any physical contact with each other. I didn’t even know what I was feeling. Should I have been mad that my boyfriend almost started a fistfight with my boss in a public place? Should I have felt safe? Protected because Spencer had made the effort to protect me when he had attempted to beat up my friend? I didn’t know.

  When I got to Spencer’s, he was already there, inside the kitchen.

  He was cooking cheese ravioli, my favorite meal. “You can go ahead and sit down, I’m almost done,” he said when I tried to help him finish. “Thank you anyway.”

  I was silent as I sat at the dining room table. Eight chairs sat around the table, but only one or two had been needed for well over a year. I wondered what it was like for him to be alone those first few months. Surely his Uncle Justin stayed with him then, didn’t he?

  “Cheese ravioli, and garlic bread. Your favorite,” Spencer said as he sat down next to me.

  “Thank you,” I replied.

  Spencer sighed. “Sydney, I’m sorry.”

  I was silent, not sure what to say.

  “It was stupid of me to fight with him, but I couldn’t take it. He—”

  “I know you were trying to protect me,” I told him. “And I’m thankful for that. I was just worried that one of you was going to get hurt.” I felt a tear roll down my eye and suddenly realized what I felt. Worry. I was afraid of Spencer getting hurt. Seeing him tower over Matt reminded me of Michael towering over me. I was scared.

  “Sydney, sweetheart,” Spencer stroked my face lightly with his hand. “I’m sorry. I won’t ever scare you like that again.”

  I looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. I didn’t want him hurt. I couldn’t bear to see him cut and bruised like I was. I didn’t want any fights. I wanted them to be over forever.

  Spencer opened his arms for me, and I sat on his lap as he held me in his arms. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist, not wanting to let go. I gasped lightly and winced as his arm pressed against a bruise on my torso.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked concerned, loosening his grip.

  I shook my head, “Nothing. Just please, don’t ever, ever try to start a fight with Matt again. I hate fights. I know you’re my boyfriend, and you have a right to be protective, but he’s my friend, Spencer.”

  “I won’t, I promise.” He wiped away a tear and kissed my cheek.

  Chapter 12

  LOST HOPE

  February flew by, and it was March before I knew it. Spencer and I had been together for almost seven months, and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have him.

  “Hey, Syd,” he said as he walked up to my locker the morning after Spring Break.

  “Hi,” I said with a smile as he leaned down to kiss me. I smiled and kissed him back for a second until we heard, “Hey, no PDA!”

  I pulled away to see Jacquie and Jeremy heading down the hallway, holding hands. Spencer laughed.

  “Jeremy Hall, I hate you,” he said. I smiled, knowing that Spencer could never hate Jeremy. They were too close.

  “No you don’t,” Jeremy replied. “You love me, and you know it. Sydney is just your cover up.”

  Jacquie smiled. “You seriously think that Spencer is gay? Yeah right! He’s the straightest hopeless romantic I’ve met.”

  I smiled at her comment, and Jeremy laughed. “Yeah, I guess that’s true. That’s Spencer for you. Hopeless and a romantic.”

  Jacquie laughed and Spencer said, “Very funny, Hall.”

  I shook my head and took Spencer’s hand in mine. He looked down at me and smiled. The ten-minute bell rang, and Jacquie and Jeremy left to head to their class. Spencer looked down at me and said, “So, what are you doing tonight?”

  “I’m hanging out with Matt.” I told him. When I said Matt’s name, Spencer’s eyes tightened. Matt and I had decided to go hang out with some other friends of his for the night. I had forgiven him weeks ago for the whole “bookshelves” incident, and now he was trying to be my good friend again.

  “It’s nothing,” I told him.

  He sighed. “I know, I’m sorry. Um…I have to go to class, but I’ll see you later.”

  “See ya,” I said as he walked away. I sighed. Why couldn’t Matt and Spencer just get along? What girl tore them apart? Why was she so special?

  When Matt and I hung out that night, Spencer was texting me the entire time, probably making sure Matt wasn’t trying anything funny. It was actually a lot more fun than I thought it would be. Matt and I went out to eat with a group of his friends, and I saw the fun, carefree side of Matt.

  Spencer drove me to work the next day because my car ran out of gas, and would be picking me up after my shift was over. Matt had been hanging out with me majorly the entire week, and as I waited for Spencer to pick me up, Matt came outside and stood with me to talk.

  “So, what’s up?” he asked.

  “Not much. How about you?”

  “Nothing really. I was just thinking about last week.” He chuckled.

  “Oh, when we went to that horror movie?”

  “Yeah, you were totally freaked out.” He laughed, and I hit him on the shoulder.

  “Hey! It was creepy!”

  “Not to me, it wasn’t.” He smiled.

  I looked ahead at the dark, snow-filled parking lot, only lit by the streetlights. “Well, you’re just weird.” I smiled.

  “Whatever.” Matt chuckled.

  I shivered involuntary, and Matt noticed.

  “You look really cold, Syd. Here.” He came up to me, took his jacket off, and put it around me.

  “Thanks,” I muttered.

  He hugged me and said, “I’m really happy I met you, Sydney. I’m glad we’re friends.” He looked down at me, his dark eyes filled with concentration. Then, he leaned forward and kissed me softly. It felt wrong compared to the way Spencer kissed me. Matt kept one of his arms on my back, and had the other hold my face. I put my hands on his chest, trying to push him off of me. He took it the wrong way. He started kissing me more excitedly and thought I was responding to his enthusiasm. Finally, I was strong enough to push him away. I tried to catch my breath.

  “Matt,” I wiped my mouth on the sleeve of his coat, “Why can’t you accept me as just a friend?” I asked angrily. “Why does it always have to be more with you all of a sudden?” I took off his jacket and threw it at him.

  He smiled. “I’m sorry. I guess I’ll never stop giving into you. You’re just too good, baby.”

  “Don’t call me that!” I yelled.
<
br />   “You know you want me, too,” he said, somewhat seductively.

  “Ew! No I don’t! You used to be my friend, but now I realize that you’re a pathetic, deceitful jerk! Just go away and leave me alone!”

  “You’ll figure it out soon, Sydney. You want me, and you’ll come crawling back to me soon enough. I’ll talk to you later, baby.”

  He walked away to his car, and I yelled, “I will never want you!”

  I heard him chuckle.

  I couldn’t believe that Matt would be so…ugh!

  I looked at the time. Spencer was really late. I hoped nothing was wrong. I punched the speed dial for his cell phone.

  “Hello?” Spencer answered when I called.

  “Spence? It’s me.”

  “Oh,” he said.

  “What?” I wondered.

  “We’re over, Sydney,” he said quietly.

  “What! Why?” I said, confused.

  “I thought you were different. I thought that you wouldn’t be like those girls who cheated on me, I guess I was wrong.”

  “What? I didn’t cheat on you! What are you talking about?” I asked as a tear fell down from my eyes.

  “I was just in the Lakeview parking lot coming to pick you up, but then I saw you kiss him.”

  I froze. Spencer had seen Matt kiss me. He thought I was cheating on him. But I wasn’t, Matt kissed me!

  “No, Spencer! I didn’t kiss Matt, he kissed me!”

  “It takes two people to kiss,” he replied, sadly.

  “Spencer! No, you were right about him the entire time! He just wanted more out of me than friendship; you know that I would never—”

  “I thought I knew,” he said. “You were in on it the entire time. That’s the only reason you didn’t want me fighting him. He’s your little tool. I get it. I thought you had limits to a physical relationship, and I respected that. I wanted only what I thought you wanted and nothing more. I’m sorry I couldn’t understand you the first moment I saw you. I thought you were different…you’re really nothing but a little slut.”

  I gasped, horrified, tears strolling down my face. “I am not! Spence! No, I love you, not him! Spencer.”

  “Jacquie warned me about this when you and I first got together, but then she said you told me you loved me with all of your heart and that you wouldn’t ever think about leaving me. I guess you only kept me around as the backup. If your real man left you, I’d be here. Well, I’m sick of being used, Sydney Baker. I’m really damn sick of it, and I’m done with your games. You’ll have to call your Aunt Megan to pick you up, or maybe your real boyfriend can, I don’t care. All I know is that I never want to see you again.”

  “Spencer! Wait! Please!”

  “Goodbye, Sydney Baker.” He hung up.

  I was crying so hard that I went into hysterics. How could Spencer even think that? Why? I didn’t know what to think, all I knew was that Spencer was gone, my Romeo....

  My love was gone, and my hope was gone.

  I called Aunt Megan. She picked me up in her car and was shocked to see me with tears flowing down my eyes like there was no end.

  “Sweetie, what happened? Try to calm down so you can explain it,” she soothed, rubbing my shoulder.

  “Spencer…Matt…I can’t even…he’s gone…and he … I didn’t…why?” That was all I could make out of my incoherent speech.

  Aunt Megan sighed. “I’m going to get you home, and you can tell me after you get a good night’s sleep, alright?”

  I nodded, even though I knew I probably wouldn’t get any sleep at all.

  Why? Why did this happen to me? Only God knows. Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

  I don’t know, probably telling all of Verona, not to mention Mantua as well—which would be Shabbona and the surrounding areas—how he thinks Juliet is the biggest slut in the history of the world…What am I kidding? Even Juliet has a better reputation than me right now. She may have drunk a potion to make it look like she was dead just to get out of marrying Paris, but though Paris might think she was a slut if he found out she was with Romeo the whole time, then she might actually be in my position…well, not really…What do I say to taking chances? Damn you, Juliet.

  Chapter 13

  EMPTY

  It had always been a hobby of mine to help people, but why wasn’t there anyone to help me?

  The next two weeks were probably the worst weeks of my life. At school, I was basically alone. At home, I had acquired new cuts, bruises, and marks everywhere on my body, and I was sore almost every day. I was the weakest I had ever been, and without Spencer, I was still getting weaker.

  At school the next week, Jacquie, Jeremy and Annie stopped talking to me. Mike and Dean sat with me at my own lonely table at lunch, and unsuccessfully tried to cheer me up. They believed my story, unlike everyone else.

  “It’ll be okay,” Dean promised, smiling slightly. “Spencer will get over it soon enough. I thought that since he saw the way Matt treated you, he’d know it was him. I guess not.”

  “Yeah,” Mike agreed. “Spence will figure it out soon. It sucks that Matt totally used you, though. You two were really good friends, huh?”

  I nodded sadly, looking down at my lunch.

  “I would never use a good friend like that. He’s just stupid, Sydney.”

  I nodded again, stabbing my fork into my pile of corn.

  Mike chuckled slightly as little pieces flew off my tray. “I’ll try talking to Spencer. He’s got to come around sometime.”

  “I hope,” I murmured, a tear falling down from my eye as I looked up and made eye contact with my…ex-boyfriend who sat across the room from me wearing his usual white baseball cap, and the same sullen expression as me. I looked down at the ring on my right hand and continued to cry. I wasn’t going to take it off. He might have broken my heart, but I still loved him.

  On Friday, I made an attempt to talk to Spencer. He walked past me in the hallway after school, not even bothering to look at me.

  “Spencer?” I asked. He looked down at me and answered, “What Sydney?” he sneered my name.

  “Can I talk to you for a second?” I asked innocently.

  He took my hand and led me into a different hallway. The electric spark that shot through my body shocked me even more than the first day I’d touched him.

  “Spence?” I asked. He wouldn’t look at me.

  “Spencer, please look at me.”

  He turned his head toward me, and I stared into his beautiful, rigid light brown eyes.

  “Spencer.” I had to remember to breathe. Staring into his eyes was making me start to lose my focus.

  “Spence, I’m sorry. I tried to stop him, I really tried. I pushed him away, and told him that I had you. You’ve seen him around me, you know how he is…and you know that I would never…” I lightly put my hand on his cheek.

  “Spencer, I’m so sorry…you know that I love you…” I whispered, crying softly.

  “Sydney.” He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t....” with an agonizing expression.

  I stood up on my tiptoes and kissed him. He didn’t kiss me back.

  “Sydney,” he said, taking my hand from his face and letting it fall.

  “Spence, please....” I whispered, putting my hand on his chest. “I love you, not him. He’s just a friend. He’s not even a friend anymore. I told him I wanted him to leave me alone. You were right; he was a friend at first, but he abused it…and he won’t ever kiss me again…I won’t let him…I’m not a slut.... I’ve always been loyal to you. I didn’t want you to fight with him because I’ve been in too many of them as it is, and I can’t stand for you to get hurt…just…please....” I wrapped my arms around his waist, and held him against me. I was crying so much; I didn’t want to lose him.

  “Sydney,” he said, pulling away from me. “I have to go, I’m sorry.”

  I watched him walk away, and all of my hope of eventually defeating Michael and Mad
die walked away with him. What was the point of fighting against them now? I wouldn’t fight. I would just take it. There was no point to live without Spencer.

  Chapter 14

  GONE

  Another month went by, and I grew deeper and deeper into a depression. The abuse with Michael had gotten worse. I didn’t fight back; I took it without a word.

  Michael started yelling at me for things I didn’t do, and would continue to burn me with cigarettes and throw beer bottles at me, and he made me stay home from school some days because I looked too terrible. He didn’t want teachers suspecting anything.

  One day after Michael let me go back to school, I forgot to put cover up on some cuts I had gotten from Michael, and no one cared. No one asked me what was wrong; no one really cared about Sydney Baker. Mike and Dean still sat by me in lunch, and had tried, unsuccessfully, to convince Spencer that none of it was my fault. They were the only friends I had. I didn’t even talk to Matt.

  The last I’d heard from people at work was that he had gone back to his former girlfriend, and they were getting really serious. Then why had he tried to be with me? If he had another girl in the wings?

  It was finally late April, and I was sitting out on the deck listening to “Taking Chances,” on my CD player, crying, while watching the purple sunset fade. I was also re-reading a poem I had just written.

  Who Do You Turn To?

  By Sydney Baker

  When you’ve lost all of your hope,

  Who do you turn to?

  When your heart turns black because of

  The torture that you have been forced to face,

  Who do you turn to?

  When you find yourself trapped in your mind,

  Drowning in a pool of sorrow,

  Who do you turn to?

  I do not know the answer to these questions,