North Woods University

by Beck, J. L.

  “What’s it been, ten years?” Rem strikes up a conversation like time never passed between us. Like we’re the same two kids that lived a few houses down from each other.

  “Yup.” I pop the P.

  “Are you studying here?” Rem asks.

  “Yeah, I’m starting classes on Monday. I just moved back here,” I explain.

  Glancing over at Del, I wish I hadn’t. Her blue eyes look like they’re about to burst out of her heart-shaped face. An awkward silence settles over the four of us, and Del nibbles on her bottom lip nervously.

  “Cool, do you remember, Jules?” Remington asks, breaking the silence.

  “Yes,” I smile. How could I forget such a kind person? She was one of my first friends in elementary school, even though she was a year ahead of me, we used to ride the bus together, and play on the playground after school.

  “She is a student here too, you know,” Remington smiles, and elbows Sebastian in the side not so subtly.

  What the hell is that about?

  “Jules’ birthday is this weekend, and we’re having a little gathering at my dad’s place. Think maybe you would want to come and hang out?”

  I chew the inside of my cheek. Say no, Lily, say no. The last thing I should do is hang out with Sebastian, considering that I’ve basically just lusted after him for the past ten minutes. Against my better judgment, I still agree.

  “Of course, that would be awesome. It’s been forever since I’ve seen her.”

  Rem’s smile widens, and his eyes glitter with happiness. “Cool, Seb, can bring you over to the house if that’s okay, or Jules and I could swing by whatever works.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” It sure as hell does, but I don’t say that. Thinking about being inside a car with Sebastian has my heart racing.

  “Perfect, let me give you my number, and then I can let you know the exact time on Friday.” I pull out my phone and type the numbers he rattles off into it. Then I save his number and send him a text message with a smiling emoji, so he knows it’s me.

  When I look up from my phone, I see Sebastian staring at me, his gaze pierces through my skin, and into the deep layers that hold all my secrets.

  I wonder if when he looks at me, he sees her?

  The thought vanishes into the air when Rem clears his throat and says, “Okay, well I’ll see you this weekend, can’t wait to catch up. I know Jules is going to flip when she finds out you’re back in town.”

  I try and smile, but my lips don’t move. Rem doesn’t wait for me to say anything and instead starts for the door. Sebastian remains standing there like a statue with his feet sinking into the concrete. One look at his face and I see the anguish flickering in his eyes, and even though I didn’t ask the question out loud, I know what the answer is.

  Yes, he sees Amy when he looks at me.

  * * *

  The day of the shindig arrives, and I get up, straighten my hair, and search through my closet for something to wear. Delilah crawls out of her bed after I’ve tossed the third pair of shoes from our shared closet toward her. Each pair landing harder than the next.

  “Okay, okay, I’m up. Quit throwing things at me!”

  “I don’t know what to wear,” I huff, blowing a piece of hair from my face. “I need your help picking something out.”

  “It’s just a birthday party with old friends. Who are you trying to impress?” Delilah questions with one eye open and the other half-closed.

  “No one,” I say defensively. “I just want to look nice, that’s all.”

  “Nice for whom? Mr. Miller?” By now she’s fully awake, her eyes twinkling with amusement.

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I told you how I know him. He dated my sister. Not to mention that he is ten years older than me, and the Dean of the university that I’m attending as a student.”

  “First of all, that was a long time ago, Lily. You are not a child anymore, and even though you might be a student here, you are still an adult. If you’re willing and he is willing...”

  I can’t with her. I literally can’t.

  “It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. They would still be together now if… if she was still alive.” I look down at my hands. “I saw it in his eyes the other day at the coffee shop. I’m just a reminder to him, a reminder of my sister, of what could have been. He’ll never see me as anything else, and I’m not sure if I want him to anyway. Every time I look at him, it feels like I’m betraying her.

  Delilah rolls her eyes at me. “You don’t know that. You’ve only seen him twice, and both of those times were brief. It’s obvious there’s chemistry there. Anyone with a pair of eyeballs can see that. I didn’t know your sister, and I don’t know you all that well yet, but I’m sure your sister would’ve wanted you to be happy.”

  She is wrong. I just know. He doesn’t want me.

  “It’s just a dinner party with old friends. Nothing more, nothing less.”

  Delilah doesn’t look like she believes me, but she doesn’t say anything. An hour later, I end up picking some leggings and pairing them with boots, and an oversized sweater that falls off one of my shoulders. It’s not overly sexy, but it’s cute.

  “I’d bang you.” Delilah giggles as she shoves a spoon full of cereal into her mouth.

  “Does that mean I’m decent enough to be seen in public with you?”

  “It means,” crunch, she pauses as she shoves another bite into her mouth, “that you’re gorgeous, and that if I were Mr. Miller, I would snatch you right up, and make you mine.”

  “Stop calling him Mr. Miller and stop talking with your mouth full of food.”

  “Okay, Mom.” Del taunts, and I twist around, pinning her with a grin, that she returns.

  Five minutes later, I’m standing outside, waiting for Sebastian to pull up. Rem and Jules were originally going to pick me up, but Rem messaged me last minute asking if his brother could instead. Everything inside me screamed no, but my fingers typed the word yes instead, and I hit the send key before I could think any longer on it. Fiddling with my phone, I try and do something with my hands to curb the anxiety I’m feeling. It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. It’s just dinner with his family. It’s not a funeral, not a date. Just dinner.

  Tires crunch against the road and I look up from my hands, my gaze colliding with his through the window of his blacked-out jeep. I don’t know why, but every time I’m in his presence, I’m pulled toward him. Even through the window, I have that weird feeling, like he’s a black hole and I’m the galaxy just waiting to be sucked into his darkness.

  God, please don’t let me screw this up.

  69

  Sebastian

  Time. It’s supposed to heal you, make things easier, but I think that’s a lie. Time doesn’t heal shit. It isn’t time that makes things easier. It’s you. You either learn to cope with it, or you let whatever’s eating you fester. I thought I was coping well, but the moment Lily walked into my office, I knew that was a heaping pile of shit.

  One look at Lily and I knew I still wasn’t over her, or anything that had to do with her for that matter. Maybe this whole thing would be easier if Lily didn’t look like the spitting image of her sister. Maybe I could look at her without feeling like my heart is bleeding, shattering into a million pieces all over again.

  When I pull up to the dorm, she’s already waiting for me, standing at the curb like she’s waiting at a bus stop. As soon as I see her all the feelings in my gut swirl together.

  Guilt, anger, loss, and… lust, the worst feeling of all. They all blend together like a wet painting, the colors bleeding, seeping into one another, making it harder to decipher one from the other. She climbs into the Jeep, sliding slowly on to the leather seat.

  She isn’t wearing anything sexy, thank fuck for that. Still, I can’t help but look at her legs as she buckles up, and I have to fight the urge to not reach over and run my hand over her thigh.

  Not, Amy. Not fucking, Amy.

 
; “Thanks for picking me up,” she says softly, as I pull out of the dorm’s parking lot. I try my best not to white knuckle the steering wheel. The last thing I need is for her to realize she has any type of effect on me. That would make all of this worse.

  “No problem,” I respond tight-lipped.

  A second, then two, then three passes, and I exhale a breath, but as I’m sucking in another, I’m assaulted by her sweet but exotic scent. She smells like what I would consider a tropical island; coconut and vanilla.

  Fucking Christ. I choke on the air in my lungs and start to cough. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Lily watching me cautiously like I’m a hungry lion who hasn’t eaten in days. Truthfully, I haven’t eaten in about a year, but that’s none of her business.

  “Are you okay?” Again, her voice penetrates my skull, and while her voice is a pleasant sound, it still finds a way to annoy me.

  “Fine.” The word comes out more like a hiss, the message behind it is clear… back off and leave me alone. Even in the low light of the car, I catch her shocked expression. Her beautiful features twist into confusion before she turns away from me.

  I know I’m an asshole for brushing her off, it’s not like it’s her fault that she looks like her sister, but I don’t know what else to do other than to push her away. I just can’t bear to be around her and if that makes me a selfish prick, so what. I won’t stop. If she’s uncomfortable around me, she’ll stay away, which is the entire purpose.

  The rest of the drive she stares out the window, and I stare out onto the road. Neither of us speak, making the tension in the car so thick it’s hard to breathe.

  I’m anxious as fuck by the time we arrive at my father’s house and all but bolt from the car. Sucking a sharp breath into my lungs, I exhale her stupidly good scent. It clings to my nostrils, refusing to let go, just like her presence.

  By the time I walk around the car, Lily has already gotten out and is walking toward the front door without me. Very well. I follow her to the porch where she stops, waiting on the doorstep. Holding my breath, I brush by her and open the door without knocking. It’s not like I’m an unwelcome guest.

  We step inside, and I can already hear Rem’s loud voice carrying through the house. I follow the sounds of laughter through the hallway and into the living room, while Lily follows close behind. I don’t have to look back to know she is, it’s like I can feel her haunting presence.

  “There you are!” Rem calls, a beer already in his hand. I tip my chin toward him, Dad, and Lex.

  Jules who is sitting beside him lights up, her eyes landing on Lily as she gets up from the sofa and walks over to greet us.

  “Happy birthday,” I tell her as I give her a quick hug and a peck on the cheek.

  “Thank you,” she says before letting me go and looking at Lily next to me. “Lily, I’m so glad you made it. It’s been so long.”

  “It has, but I’m so happy to be here, to celebrate with you. I just hope I’m not intruding.”

  “God, no. We’re practically family.” Jules smiles infectiously.

  I try not to stare as they hug, and instead walk straight into the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. I don’t want to see their reunion or any shred of happiness. Twisting the cap off my beer, I toss it into the trash. If I didn’t have to drive, I’d grab something stronger, something that would make me forget her completely, at least, for a little while.

  “You okay, son?” Startled, I turn around at my father’s voice, he’s standing right behind me.

  Jesus. When did he get up?

  “I’m fine,” I lie, before taking a sip of my beer.

  “She looks a lot like her,” he points out the obvious. “That can’t be easy for you.”

  “Yeah, not so much, but it is what it is.” Shit, I sound like an asshole.

  “So, you’re not fine?”

  “No, but I will be. Don’t worry about me, pops.” I try to smile, but my lips won’t work.

  “Hard not to worry about you when you’re the kindest of your brothers, and your behavior right now isn’t something I’ve ever seen before.”

  I shrug, “I don’t really know what’s going on. Ever since Lily walked into my office, things have changed. I’m moody and angry… so angry.” I squeeze the glass bottle in my hands.

  “If you want to talk about it, you know I’m here. I’m not going to make ya but remember what happened with your brother and Jules. Feelings build, pain turns into anger which is where you are right now. Don’t be that guy. Don’t let it build up.” I nod, acknowledging what he says, but saying nothing in return. He’s warning me like I’m the problem in all of this. I didn’t come trapezing into her life looking like her long-lost love.

  Lily’s soft voice carries into my ears as she takes a seat in the living room besides Jules. They talk while I drink, trying my best to drown myself in the bottom of this bottle. Dad walks back out into the living room, while I remain in the kitchen watching from a distance as my family welcomes her with open arms.

  Now I know how Rem felt when I brought Jules here without asking him first. I guess payback is a bitch, huh?

  Rem and Dad drill her with questions; like what she’s been up to, how her grandparents are, what she’s studying. Things of that nature. It’s nauseating to hear her spew all these wonderful things about her life.

  Stop, Sebastian. Stop being a douchebag.

  It’s wrong, deep down, I know it’s wrong to be angry with her, but I can’t help it. It’s like something inside of me has snapped, and all the ugly, dark pieces I’ve swallowed down over the years are leaking out. I can feel Rem watching me, and I do my best to ignore his cynical gaze.

  Tipping my beer back, I let out a grunt of disapproval when nothing comes out. Guess I’ve drunk it all. My body itches for more alcohol, but I don’t grab another beer. Instead, I lean against the counter and stare off into space. A moment later, Rem gets up from the couch and enters the kitchen plucking a chip from a bowl on the counter.

  “Why the depressed face?”

  “Not depressed.”

  Rem smirks, “No, you’re just in a sour as fuck mood. Any particular reason why?”

  My eyes turn to slits, it’s not often I want to slug my brother, but right now, I would love to. “No reason at all. I mean it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you made me pick her up, then there’s the little tidbit of inviting her without even talking to me first.”

  He shrugs, “How was I supposed to know you would be so butthurt about it. I figured you would like having her around.” Idiot.

  “Like having the spitting image of my dead girlfriend sitting in the same room as me.” I mock, and give him a fake smile, “Totally excited, just bursting at the seams with joy over it.”

  Rem taps his chin, his lips curling into a smug grin, “This kind of reminds me of a similar situation. Remember when you didn’t ask me when you invited Jules?”

  “Don’t act like that,” I hiss, my fist clenching without thought, “this isn’t even remotely the same circumstance, and if this is some sick twisted way of you getting back at me…” My voice trails off. I don’t finish because I’m not sure what I would do. Nothing. There is nothing that I can do. If it wasn’t for her being here, I wouldn’t be in such a shitty mood. She’s a permanent reminder of what I lost, and I hate it.

  “It’s not. I’m not an asshole.” Rem smirks, adding, “Most of the time.”

  “Then why invite her?” Feeling like a cunt for even asking.

  He shoves another chip into his mouth, “Her and Jules were friends, plus her whole family used to be close to ours. Not to mention that Lily lost her family the same way Jules lost her father and brother. I mean they’ve both lost everything. Have you ever thought about that? About how much she lost that day? I know you lost too, but Lily lost a sister, her father, and her mother.” There’s a brief pause, and I know what he’s trying to do, trying to break through my senses, but what he doesn’t know is that I kn
ow all these things already. I feel them. I feel Lily’s pain. It surrounds me.

  “I don’t understand why you are so pissed about her being here. Did something happen between you two?” Rem interrupts my thoughts.

  I don’t even understand why I’m so pissed. What the hell am I going to tell him? That I’m secretly drowning in my own misery because a girl I loved died, but her sister didn’t, and she’s a walking reminder of her.

  Ha, no. I’m not ready to talk about this yet. I’m barely ready to recognize it for what it is. So instead of giving him an answer, I ignore his words and stare at the wall blankly.

  Rem’s gaze narrows conspicuously, “You aren’t acting like yourself, so whatever it is that’s bothering you so much, it’s not my fault. I wasn’t going to go home and tell Jules that I saw Lily, but I didn’t invite her when I had the chance. That would’ve been a shit thing to do, and we both know it.”

  “Whatever,” I shake my head, and shoulder past him. As I enter the living room, all conversation stops. Lily’s gaze drops to her hands, and Jules stares daggers at me like I’ve done something to piss her off.

  Great. Less than twenty minutes in their presence, and Lily already has them all hating me.

  Shoving down into the other recliner, I look to the TV where Dad has a football game on, I stare at the screen pretending to be immersed in the game.

  Pretending like she isn’t even here.

  The doorbell rings a moment later, and Dad shoves from his recliner with a groan.

  “Don’t get old girls, it’s all downhill from here.”

  “Already there,” Jules laughs.

  When he reappears, he’s holding four pizza boxes. Everyone gets up all at once, and piles into the kitchen to eat while I remain glued to my seat. My appetite is gone, and even though I know I’m being a party pooper, I can’t seem to let go of the feelings I’m having.