North Woods University

by Beck, J. L.

  It’s annoying. Infuriating. I should probably just go home, but I can’t do that to Jules. Call me a sadist, but I’d rather suffer through the pain. I spend the rest of the night trying to ignore everybody. Jules seems to have a great time even with me dragging down the party.

  Lily sips on her root beer, pretending, just like I am. I can see it, the tension in her face, the way her body is angled away from me. She’s uncomfortable. Good. At least I’m not alone.

  Fuck there is something wrong with me.

  Lex and Rem continue drinking, guzzling beer down like they’re frat boys, and as much as I would like to join them, I choose not to, I already got drunk the other day. Once a month is plenty for the newly appointed Dean.

  “What’s the matter with you, Seb? Why such a sour puss today?” Lex yells from across the room like we aren’t all sitting a few feet from each other. Rem, of course, laughs in his drunken state. I don’t know why but I’ve always been closer to Rem than Lex. Maybe because Lex was gone.

  “Maybe he just needs his ass kicked,” Rem chuckles loudly. “A few punches to that noggin will set him right.” My dad shakes his head from where he is sitting but doesn’t say anything. He knows how we get. Us Miller boys are a rowdy bunch, always have been, always will be.

  “Okay, you, time to go home,” Jules takes Rem’s hand and pulls him to his feet. She’s tipsy herself but has nothing on Rem and Lex.

  “Come on, boys. I’ll drive you home,” Dad announces, getting up from his own seat.

  Lex follows suit, and we all get up and walk toward the door. Shit, I’ve done well all night, now all I have to do is drop her off at the dorms, and I’ll be free of her, at least till she shows up somewhere else in my world.

  “You guys going to be good?” Jules asks, her eyes slicing through me.

  “I only had one beer, and that was two hours ago. I’m fine,” I attest, knowing damn well that’s not what she is talking about.

  “You and I are going to have a nice talk next week,” Jules whispers as she leans in to give me a hug. Wrapping my arms around her, I give her a tight squeeze.

  “Night, and be good, Rem,” I warn him over Jules’ shoulder before releasing her.

  “I’m always good,” he slurs and presses a sloppy kiss to Jules’ forehead as he pulls her into his side. The rest of my family walk out through the kitchen and into the garage, while I head for the front door.

  Walking outside, I hear Lily’s soft pitter-patter behind me. I don’t even bother to turn around and look at her. I simply get into the driver’s seat and watch her slide into the passenger’s seat out of the corner of my eye, refusing to look at her straight on.

  Once she’s buckled up, and I pull out onto the road. I can’t stand the heavy silence that’s settling between us. I know what I need to do, what I need to say.

  I’ll make sure that this was the last time she invades my private life.

  Strangling the steering wheel, I reason for control over my emotions.

  “You shouldn’t have come… this was a family gathering, and you didn’t belong there.” My tone’s clipped, and my gut twists just hearing the words I spoke out loud. I’m such an asshole, but I have to be if I want to protect myself, my emotions, my heart.

  “Look, I’m not stupid, I already gathered that you didn’t want me there, but you don’t have to act like I invited myself or intruded on some secret gathering. Rem invited me and I said yes, because Jules and I are friends.”

  I almost snort. “You knew each other as kids, that hardly accounts to being real friends.” I know that’s a low blow, but since I’m already going to hell, why not go all the way.

  “You’re a real prick, Sebastian.” Her words are emotionally charged. Good, she’s pissed off, now she knows how I feel.

  “I know that. Always have been…”

  “We both know that’s not true. The way you’ve been acting today, that’s not how I remember you,” she interrupts, “you didn’t treat Amy like this or anyone for that matter. You’ve always been a kind person, the one who would give the skin off his back to help someone else.”

  Her name. That’s all I really hear. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to my senses, and I damn near swerve into the other lane trying to rein myself in.

  Clenching my teeth, I grit out, “Do not say her name. Don’t talk about her, don’t even mention her in my presence. The person you remember me being isn’t the person I am right now.”

  Lily crosses her arms over her chest, and I swear, I see fire flicker in her blue eyes.

  “Pfft, that much is obvious. The Sebastian I knew never would’ve talked to me like this or made open-ended threats to me.” There’s a pregnant pause, and it looks as if she is gathering her thoughts, getting ready to attack me with another set of verbal rage. “You have a lot of balls telling me that I can’t speak my sister’s name in your presence, and even more acting like an asshole to me. I lost so much more than my sister that day, but yet you want me to pretend…” She looks away, and strands of blonde hair fall into her face. When she looks back at me, it feels like I’ve died and gone to hell.

  “Maybe you can pretend that she didn’t exist, but I can’t.”

  Pretend? Didn’t exist. She’s lost her fucking mind.

  I bite my tongue, wanting to scream, wanting to tell her that I could never forget her sister, much less now with her sitting beside me as a never-ending reminder but I don’t because I’m afraid of hurting her, of the words coming out wrong.

  The air inside the Jeep grows hotter and hotter, and I’m so close to snapping it’s taking every shred of patience I have not to lash out at her, to say something that will most definitely cut her down the middle. I’m not a mean guy, but I want to hurt Lily, simply because she exists, and her sister doesn’t and that’s not me.

  This angry, vicious, cruel bastard isn’t me.

  Reaching the dorm, I pull the Jeep to the curb and watch as Lily’s hand hovers over the door handle. She turns in the seat, and our gazes collide.

  The vibrant blue of her eyes darkens, and I wonder if she’s going to cry. Fuck. I hate myself for being like this, but I can’t explain it. I can’t fix it, not without removing her from the equation. Opening my mouth, I will words to come, but they don’t. With the way she’s looking at me right now, I’m not sure if there is anything that I could say to make this better.

  I’ve already hurt her enough, it’s probably best if I keep my mouth shut.

  “Do you think I don’t see her every time I look in the mirror? That I don’t wish it was me that was in the car that day instead of her?” Her voice breaks at the end, tears brim her eyes, and all I can do is sit there, clutching onto the steering wheel. She’s just sucker punched me in the gut with nothing more than her words.

  How do I respond to that? Can I even?

  Before I can tell her that I’m sorry, that I don’t know what’s wrong with me, she climbs out of the car, slamming the door shut behind her.

  Goddamnit. This isn’t how I wanted any of this to go. I don’t want to hurt Lily but being near her feels like I’m losing Amy all over again, and I just can’t bear it…I just can’t.

  70

  Lily

  I thought coming to North Woods was the right thing, coming back to where I grew up, where I was born, but I’m starting to second guess that. Not when I can’t stop thinking about him. I know it’s wrong, especially after the way he acted, and the things he said to me.

  I should hate him. I should never want to see him again, and forget he even exists but, stupidly, I don’t. All of this is wrong. Sebastian and me. The feelings I have.

  As a student, I shouldn’t be wondering what he is doing, hoping that I might run into him every time I walk across campus. It’s sick and twisted, and I can’t put it into words. The hate but need that I feel. He’s the last piece I have of my sister and, as wrong as it is, I don’t want to let him go. I can’t.

  Two weeks have passed since I last saw him. Cl
asses have started and are in full swing now. College is definitely harder than I expected. For some reason, I thought studying art would be more fun and include less math and English classes. Welp, I thought wrong. I’ve already flunked a surprise math test that I had on Monday.

  Which is shit for me being that I’m here on a scholarship and can’t afford to let my grades drop below a certain GPA. Of course, not having the textbook for said class doesn’t help. The scholarship only covers housing and tuition, not textbooks or anything else you might need to live. So, when I saw the price tag on the books, I had to make a choice between food for the next two weeks or printed paper. In case you were wondering, I chose food.

  I try to throw myself into homework, hanging out with Delilah, and finding a job but every spare moment or thought leads me back to him. I’m so caught in my own head as I head to class that I almost run over Professor Berg, my beloved math teacher in the hallway. Luckily, I stop a few feet short of colliding with him.

  “Ahhh, Miss Kline, I’m actually glad to have run into you. I was going to talk to you Monday before class but since I’ve got you now, would you mind stopping by the Dean’s office to talk to your academic advisor.”

  “Uh, sure,” I say, but it almost comes out as a question. Why the hell is he sending me to talk to my advisor? Have I done something wrong? Broke some sacred rule? I should probably ask him. My mouth pops open, a question on my lips when he starts to walk away.

  “Great, see you Monday then.”

  What the hell?

  Taking out my generic phone, I check the time. It’s late, and they’ll be closing soon, but if I hurry, I might make it. Slinging my backpack over my shoulder, I speed walk down the hall and toward the administration building which thankfully isn’t that far from where I am right now. Students rush past me, all of us clearly in a hurry.

  By the time I reach the building, I’m a tiny bit out of breath, but I still don’t slow down. Pushing open the large door, I step inside, my sneakers squeaking against the linoleum. Pausing briefly, I stare at the front desk. No one. There’s just a sign that says be back tomorrow.

  Well then… Deciding that tomorrow is just too late to wait, I walk down the long hall toward the offices. When I find my advisor’s office, I lift a hand and knock on her door.

  “She’s already gone,” Sebastian’s voice rings in my ears, and I swear my whole body reacts to the deep gravelly sound.

  Goosebumps spread out across my arms, and my heart starts beating just a little faster.

  I ready myself, before I turn around, puffing my chest out to show him that I’m not scared or affected by him.

  I turn expecting to find him scowling at me, maybe even preparing to yell at me to get out, but instead, he just stares at me, his eyes softer than I’ve ever seen them. I’m so shocked by the way he is looking at me that I forget to respond.

  “Is there something I can help you with?” He breaks the silence, and a shiver runs down my spine.

  “I… I don’t know,” I admit. “Professor Berg sent me here, he didn’t say why.”

  He doesn’t look angry or irritated, and I’m not sure what to make of him at this point.

  “Come here. I can check your file on the school database.” He motions toward his office, and I follow him like a lost puppy.

  He sits down behind his desk and starts typing something into the computer, while I sit nervously in front of him, wringing my hands in my lap. I try my best not to stare at him because every time our eyes meet this stupid warmth fills my abdomen.

  “Professor Berg made a note that you failed your first test, you didn’t submit your homework, and you didn’t bring your textbook to class.” Sebastian looks up from the screen and finds my eyes. An unspoken question hangs between us.

  “I don’t have my textbooks yet, but I will get them soon and make up all the work I’ve missed,” I sigh. I was really hoping this wasn’t that big of an issue, but obviously, it is.

  “Why don’t you have your textbooks yet? You should have gotten a supply list a long time ago.”

  A flush works its way up my throat and onto my cheeks. Embarrassed, I look away, finding some spot on the wall behind him to concentrate on.

  “I just… I don’t have the money to pay for them right now.” I try my best to make my voice strong and even, anything but what I’m truly feeling, but instead, it all comes out in a rush like the air deflating from a balloon. He shakes his head and leans back in his chair. For some strange reason, I feel the need to explain.

  “I’m looking for a job right now, so it shouldn’t be much longer.”

  “Why didn’t you come to me and ask for help?” I swing my gaze back to him just to make sure he isn’t joking. His expression confirms that he’s serious, which confuses me even more.

  “Are you serious, right now? You really expect me to ask you for help? When should I have asked… before or after you told me that I’m nothing to your family?”

  Regret fills his eyes, and his face twists as if he’s in pain.

  “I’m sorry about what I said and how I acted that night.” His apology takes me by surprise, the insults I had lined up for him are now suddenly stuck in my throat.

  “You… you’re sorry?” I can’t pull my gaze from his, and not just because he’s gorgeous, no it’s because of the way he’s looking at me. Like I matter. Like I’m important to him. There’s a stark difference between who he was that night and who is he is tonight.

  He nods his head, “I am. Let me make it up to you… let me buy your books for you?”

  “No!” I yell without thinking. I shove from the chair nearly causing it to crash to the floor. Once on my feet, I move toward the door. I didn’t come here for his pity, or his money and the fact he’s acting otherwise infuriates me. Twisting around, I stare at him with fire in my eyes.

  “You can’t just buy me off to make yourself feel better, and I don’t need or want your pity.” I turn fully, prepared to storm out, but I make it all of one step before he is on his feet quickly, coming around the desk.

  Confidently, he walks across the room and over to me. “That’s not how I meant it, and you know it. I would never pity you or buy you things as a form of apology. I want to buy you the books to show you that you can count on me for help… if you need anything, just ask.”

  Exasperated, I growl, “Just ask? Just ask?” I repeat. I cannot believe him. Maybe I’m blowing up over nothing, but I’m exhausted, tired of thinking about him and wondering if he’s thinking about me too.

  Invading his space, I crane my head back and raise my hand. Sebastian gives me a confused look, but I don’t give him a chance to question me. Using my index finger, I poke him right in his perfectly muscled chest.

  “I don’t need your help.”

  Confusion bleeds into an emotion I can’t quite read, and then he does something I would never in a million years expect him to do. He grabs my finger and uses it to pull me closer. The softest of gasps slips past my parted lips. With his other hand, he gently grabs me by the back of my neck, holding me in place while he bends down, bringing his face impossibly close to mine. Too close. Breathing through my nose, I catch a whiff of lemongrass and orange, realizing a moment before it’s too late that I’m smelling him.

  Before I can think on that embarrassment, his lips crash into mine. There’s a hunger to his kiss, it’s wild, unhinged passion. He pulls me flush to his body, leaving no space between us. Our chests press together, my hardened nipples rubbing against his skin through both of our shirts.

  I want him bad.

  I need him bad.

  It’s wrong, but it’s so damn right.

  Fisting his shirt in my hands, I pull him closer, deepening the kiss. The friction against my pebbled nipples causes me to groan, and Sebastian takes my open mouth as an invitation, his tongue sliding past my lips to stroke my own.

  His strokes are steady, firm, and they make a slow heat build low in my abdomen.

  I’ve never
kissed like this before, with so much passion and heat. It feels like I’m burning up, my skin burning where he touches me. When he starts to move, I don’t think twice. I let him guide us back to the couch, and then he pulls me down onto his lap.

  Straddling him, I let my hands wander over his broad shoulders, and down his sculpted chest, slowly trailing down to the abs I know he’s hiding beneath his shirt. I run my fingers over each hard indentation before coming to rest on the zipper of his dress slacks.

  In one small motion, I unzip him. I have no clue what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it, but I want this. No, I need this. As if his brain has finally caught up with my actions, he breaks the kiss and presses his forehead against mine.

  We’re both panting, gasping for air. Sebastian releases his hold on the back of my neck, and his hand falls to the cushion beside us. It seems like he’s giving up. As if he’s defeated.

  Does he want this as badly as I do? As badly as I need him? Our eyes bleed into one another, my blue into his hazel. I can see the confusion, the anger, and sadness lingering there, and I want to make it go away. I want to heal both of us, to forget just for a minute.

  Reaching for the button on his slacks, I flick it, and only then does he make an attempt to stop me, his hand coming to rest against mine. His hold is lax as if he doesn’t really want to stop me. There’s a firm bulge pressed against my core, and I know for certain he wants this, so why is he stopping? Looking up at him through coal-black lashes, I question him without even speaking.

  “We shouldn’t.” His voice is smoky, it clings to my insides like glue.

  “Please,” desperation drips from that one single word, but I don’t care how desperate I sound or look. I just want him.

  After a moment, he releases my hand, letting his fall back to where they were before. He leans back into the cushion, his chest rising and falling quicker, and quicker giving him away.

  I take that as an invitation and continue undoing his pants. I might have held onto my virginity, but I’m no saint. I’ve fooled around and given a blowjob or two before, not enough times to be considered a pro, but enough times that I must’ve been decent enough because it didn’t take long for them to come.