New Moan

by Stephfordy Mayo

  ‘Cut the capitals,’ I begged, as my ears rang with clunkiness.

  ‘Oh, fine. The Reshuffle is an ancient and dread time of reckoning. Once in every generation, all the supernatural tribes must join together to re-establish the esteem in which they are held in the wider world. The competition is fierce and bloody, and results in monstrous half-breeds and crossovers, but eventually one tribe wins out and is ranked above all others. Whoever wins will rule over pop culture for the next generation. Books, films, music and TV, all will be their domain.

  ‘But this time, something new is upon us. A rumor speaks of the arrival of a new force, something with the power to rewrite all the rules. Whoever has it on their side is guaranteed victory. It is called the New Moan, and two nights hence, in Spatula, it will rise.’

  As he stopped speaking, I collapsed against Teddy, my head spinning with all the new information forced into it in the space of just two paragraphs. ‘This is going to happen in Spatula?’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ D’Acula said. ‘Didn’t you think the sudden rise in supernatural activity was a bit odd unless something major was about to happen?’

  I felt overwhelmed with an unfamiliar emotion. ‘Oh Teddy, this is dreadful; what if I got hurt? Or you? Or I suppose it could affect Joe and my dad, as well; they’re dumb enough to jump right into fights. We’ll have to go home and save them.’

  Teddy looked concerned and placed a hand softly on my forehead. ‘Heffa, are you feeling all right? That was almost … altruistic of you.’

  I shook him away. ‘No time to analyze my sudden burst of selflessness; the Exposition Dump was bad enough. Quick, let’s find Bobbi and leave this skeevy town behind!’

  I grasped Teddy’s hand and pulled him with me. This was really cool: I was taking the lead and making decisions; I hadn’t done this in ages. Look at me controlling the narrative!

  We found Bobbi slumped against the main entrance to the town, looking dazed, and covered in red streaks.

  ‘Where the hell were you?’ I asked. ‘And how did you get so messy?’

  ‘The Boubcharesters aren’t kidding when they say they throw an orgy,’ Bobbi murmured, ‘I’ve never seen so many schlongas before.’ She glanced down at her crimson-stained attire. ‘And then, um, we all started squirting bottles of tomato ketchup at each other.’

  ‘Tomato ketchup?’ Teddy queried, looking sternly at his sister.

  ‘Old tradition,’ Bobbi insisted. ‘I definitely wasn’t making mincemeat out of people, and if you say I was, I’ll tell Father about what you did on your Romanian holiday!’

  I shifted impatiently from foot to foot. ‘No time to fight, we’ve got to go, come on!’

  Teddy and Bobbi followed me back to the car. Walking ahead of them, I was glad they couldn’t see the tragically conflicted expression on my face. For, in my heart, I knew that all this rushing around was not as selfless and noble as it seemed. Of course I wanted to return to Spatula and rescue my father and bask in his gratitude for the rest of my life, but more importantly, sooner or later I knew Teddy and I were going to have to talk seriously. And I wasn’t sure I knew what I was going to say to him.

  Now that we were back together, the hole in my head had closed and I was filled once more with joy and self-satisfaction. I ought to have been entirely happy, but during the days without him, I’d learned something about my life: there were other people I could manipulate into doing everything for me. Did I really need Teddy to mollycoddle me when I had four were-boys around to do it?

  I’d dreamed of nothing but Teddy transforming me for a long time, but suddenly I wasn’t sure I wanted it. The question was: where did that leave me in terms of my climax?

  chapter 16

  * * *

  just a little prick

  The flight home was blessedly calm and free of incident. It was a daytime flight, so Teddy and Bobbi decided to spend the whole time locked up together in one of the plane’s tiny bathrooms.

  At least I could relax, without having to worry about a stray beam of sunlight through one of the plane’s hundred or so windows revealing the Kelledys’ spooky origins. The cabin of a crowded airplane wouldn’t give them many places to hide from an angry mob, and I knew that, if it came to a confrontation, Teddy would probably butcher everyone on board to preserve his secret. I didn’t want their blood on my conscience. Or on my outfit.

  Teddy and Bobbi returned to their seats shortly before our final approach to Port D’Angerous Airport. I hated that Teddy and I hadn’t had time for a proper reunion yet; we had some serious catching up to do when we landed. Bobbi and I were heading for the exit before we’d even finished taxiing to our gate, but Teddy seemed reluctant to leave, murmuring something about ‘needing to get a drink from the stewardess’ and disappearing for a good five minutes.

  We breezed through customs, partly because we only had hand luggage, but mostly because Stephfordy couldn’t think of anything interesting to say about being in an airport. We found Bobbi’s car in long-term parking and began the long drive home, tired but happy to be back under Spatula’s gray, looming skies.

  The skies looked even grayer than I remembered them, and as we got closer to town, I began to get the feeling that something was terribly wrong.

  ‘Is that smoke?’ Bobbi asked from the back seat, pointing out several dark columns that were rising above the center of town.

  Teddy slowed the car down to get a better look. ‘Yes, Bobbi, I think it might be. Either winter barbecues have become suddenly popular in our absence, or something has gone horribly awry.’

  Some aspect of the scene ahead filled me with dread, and I looked away. We’d pulled to a halt outside St. Stephen’s Church. The building appeared to be deserted, strange for this time of the afternoon. Looking around for any signs of life, my attention shifted to the cemetery next to the church. Horrified by what I saw, I grabbed Teddy’s arm. ‘Look, the graves – they’re empty. All of them.’

  It was impossible for Teddy to turn any paler, but his voice betrayed more than a hint of concern. ‘Zombies. There must have been hundreds of bodies buried here. And there are another six cemeteries within Spatula city limits – there could be thousands of the things on the loose.’

  ‘Don’t forget their victims, they’ll be zombies too by now!’ Bobbi added, rather more perkily than was really appropriate.

  I looked deep into Teddy’s cyan eyes, hoping to find reassurance there. ‘What does it mean, Teddy? Is it The Reshuffle? Is it happening now?’

  ‘I don’t know. Let’s not jump to any conclusions. Perhaps it is just extremely thorough bodysnatchers.’

  ‘Well, come on, let’s head for Main Street and see what’s happening. We might get to kill something!’ Bobbi was enjoying herself.

  We arrived on Main Street to find it deserted, but the signs of devastating conflict were everywhere. Virtually all the store windows had been hastily boarded with plywood, and the rest had been smashed in. Overturned cars in various states of destruction made progress difficult, and Teddy was forced to slalom the car between them. The hardware store had been burned out, and the last puffs of toxic smoke drifted skywards. Only the Economart seemed undamaged, as the main entrance had been blocked with a truck trailer.

  The atmosphere in the car was thick with tension, and no one spoke as we scanned the streets for signs of life, or un-life. We saw none. Whatever had happened here, the fight had moved on.

  ‘Pull over,’ Bobbi said, tapping Teddy on the shoulder. She hopped out of the car and stepped over to a battered newspaper vending machine, from which she plucked several papers and returned, passing copies round with a victorious smile. ‘Look at the front page!’

  The headline read: ‘Reshuffle Imminent: Mayor Recommends Surrender, Eternal Servitude.’

  ‘It’s yesterday’s paper, this must all have happened just after we left for Romania!’

  Teddy pretended to inhale with shock. ‘Look at Father’s shop – it’s been burned to the ground!’ He ra
n off towards the smoldering remains of Kelledy’s Magnificent Meats, but returned all too soon, his perfect face smudged with soot. ‘The store is a total wreck. Machinery, stock, everything is destroyed. There was no sign of Father. We must return home, we can only hope that he is safely ensconced therein.’

  I placed a calming hand on Teddy’s as he gripped the steering wheel. ‘Don’t worry, my love, I’m sure Joseph is totally ensconced.’

  He nodded grimly, and gunned the engine.

  We approached the Kelledy house along the twisting forest road, catching glimpses of its majestic turrets silhouetted against the darkening sky. The road was narrow and winding, but Teddy threw the car into each corner at high speed. I hoped this was confidence born of familiarity rather than recklessness.

  The worried look on Bobbi’s face didn’t provide much reassurance.

  We emerged from the trees and Teddy accelerated across the clearing, skidding to a halt outside his family home. He flung himself from the car and ran with inhuman speed across the drawbridge and into the house. Bobbi and I followed at a brisk trot. The stone-effect walls towered high over my head and even though I knew they were only fiberglass, I felt I would be safer within them.

  As we crossed the drawbridge, I noticed the wooden shingle next to the bell rope. ‘“Comealot”, that’s a sweet name.’

  ‘Ha, yes, Father’s little joke. He really likes visitors, but sadly we get very few.’

  She ushered me in through the large double doors. They creaked shut behind me and I heard Bobbi throw the bolts. The room we’d entered wasn’t the grand marbled entrance hall I’d imagined. We were in a one-room log cabin, which was crammed to bursting point with thick rugs, deep, comfortable-looking armchairs, and folksy knick-knacks of all kinds. The walls were lined with stuffed trophy heads.

  ‘Wow, is that a hippo?’ I asked, walking towards the roaring fire that crackled merrily in the stone fireplace.

  Bobbi slumped onto the sofa and turned on the TV. ‘I dunno, I guess.’

  I heard Teddy’s voice behind me. ‘Do you like our little home, my love?’ He was smiling now, all traces of the former tension in his face had vanished. I ran to him.

  ‘Oh, I really do, it’s so cozy, and your trophy collection is a masterpiece of ghoulish taxidermy. The fiberglass castle is very deceptive!’

  Teddy took me by the arm, and led me towards the door he had come through, explaining as we walked. ‘Joseph built the cabin himself, nearly a century ago. When the funfair closed, he bought the castle and had it lowered into place over the original house. Since then, we’ve built upwards and outwards inside the hollow castle, adding rooms here and there as we needed them. We don’t have time for the grand tour now, though – my father wants to talk to us.’

  ‘He’s alive, then, thank goodness!’

  ‘Well, no deader than he was when we left, at least,’ Teddy chuckled. ‘He’s in his study, come on.’

  The hallways of the Kelledy house were crooked and narrow, with many corners that wound left, right, and occasionally over, the various rooms that had been added over the years. The rooms themselves were dimly lit and cluttered with furniture. I ran my fingers along the top of a beautiful mahogany sideboard, confirming my suspicion that the soft lighting was more about masking the inadequacy of the Kelledys’ housework than it was about atmosphere. We were now deep in the mazy passages of Comealot. By the time we reached Joseph Kelledy’s study, I had completely lost my bearings; I wasn’t even sure what storey we were on any longer.

  Teddy knocked on the door and we entered. The study was brightly lit after the gloom of the corridors, the light reflecting off the white marble tiles that covered the walls and floor. Countless animal carcasses dangled from meathooks that were attached to metal rails that ran the length of the room. Joseph Kelledy stood at a marble table in the center, whistling ‘The House of the Rising Sun’ with a jaunty air as he happily went about the business of butchering what I really hoped was just a side of beef.

  ‘Father managed to get all our meat from the shop before it was looted. Isn’t that wonderful?’ Teddy said.

  Joseph looked up as we approached. He carefully placed his boning knives on the slab and rushed over to me, arms outstretched. His embrace was cold and reeked of carcass more than a little, but I was moved by the warm greeting.

  ‘Teddy has told me everything that happened in Romania,’ Joseph said. ‘I dread to think what might have come to pass if you hadn’t got there in time. That D’Arcy D’Acula is a tricky blighter and no mistake. I remember this one time, back in 1897, we were in this pub in Whitby and it was his round, and he—’

  Teddy cleared his throat politely. ‘We’d love to hear that story, honestly we would, but if the destruction of central Spatula and the front page of the local paper are to be believed, we do not have the time for misty-eyed reminiscences at this precise moment.’

  Joseph looked downcast, but Teddy persisted. ‘The Reshuffle, Father. We know it is imminent, but do you know when it will happen?’

  ‘Yes, it’s tomorrow at midnight. Look, I got sent an invitation and everything.’ Joseph reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of card. ‘An owl delivered it this morning.’

  ‘An owl, delivering the mail?’ I said skeptically.

  ‘I know, but look over there if you don’t believe me.’ Joseph pointed to a small featherless body dangling from a meathook.

  I shrugged and took the invitation from him, reading it aloud: ‘You are cordially invited to The Reshuffle, where the cosmic order will be forever rewritten, with unutterable and cataclysmic consequences. Old Spatula Funfair, midnight tomorrow, drinks and canapés from 11:30. Dress to unnerve. RSVP.’

  ‘I take it from the owl’s presence on the sausage rack that you did not RSVP?’ Teddy asked.

  Joseph shrugged sheepishly. ‘Well, I wasn’t sure I fancied it, to be honest. The werewolves will all be there, and you know how awkward that can be, and I’ve been out every night this week …’

  I could see Teddy becoming tense once more, and I sensed a frustrated tirade about to be unleashed. I put my hand gently on his arm in the hope of holding him back. I had never seen two vampires fight, and although it would probably be pretty cool, I didn’t want the Kelledys arguing because of me.

  Teddy’s noble brow furrowed in anger quite beautifully. ‘Father! This is intolerable. We go away for a couple of days, and when we come back, we find that you’ve completely ignored our invitation to the supernatural event of the epoch!’

  Teddy grabbed me by the hand and stormed out. I struggled to keep up with him as he whisked me through the halls of Comealot. Eventually, we stopped at a door bearing the thrilling label ‘Teddy’s Room’. My breath caught in my throat. I was about to penetrate the holiest of holies. How many times had I dreamed about this moment? Several, at least, and I had the laundry bills to prove it.

  Teddy opened the door and gestured for me to enter. His room was vast, hangar-like, but it was the view that struck me immediately. The wall opposite the entrance was glass from floor to ceiling, and looked out over the forest. I didn’t remember climbing any stairs, but we were at treetop height now. The leafy crowns of the vast wood spread out before me, swaying in the evening breeze as the last of the daylight shone weakly on the horizon. I was sure there was a special name for this time of day, but I couldn’t think what it was just now.

  I tore my eyes away from the view, eager to soak up every detail of my darling Teddy’s boudoir. The walls and floor were concrete, hard and cool like my love. The huge space was sparsely furnished. There were a few chairs – chic, brushed-steel-and-leather contraptions – and a glass coffee table artfully strewn with fashion magazines. A fantastically complicated-looking entertainment center had pride of place along one wall. Racks of CDs lined the wall opposite. I felt dizzy trying to guess how many there were, probably thousands.

  The overall effect was one of cool sophistication, tasteful and expensive without being flashy –
pure Teddy Kelledy, in other words. I walked over to a glass display case. It was filled with row upon row of elegant figurines. They were brightly painted, each with its own unique outfit and accoutrements. They looked valuable.

  Teddy whispered from behind me, ‘They are beautiful, aren’t they? I’ve been collecting them since I was a boy. It is my dream to possess the whole set.’ He reverentially indicated an item propped up against the back of the display case. ‘Look, Jedi Knight Luke is still in his original packaging. Let me tell you about some of my favorites.’

  I nodded appreciatively, then sighed as a sudden wave of tiredness engulfed me. I sat on one of the chairs, which turned out to be built for looks rather than comfort. I picked up a photo album from the coffee table and flicked idly through its pages. There were some photos of Comealot, and Joseph’s shop, but the majority were views of the forests and hills around Spatula. They were impressively bleak.

  ‘Your landscape shots are wonderful, my love. Their barren emptiness evokes the tormented sadness of your existential loneliness.’

  Teddy smiled apologetically. ‘Um, they’re my family snapshots, actually.’ He pointed to a photo of a forest meadow, empty except for a plaid blanket laid out in the middle. ‘That one’s my birthday picnic last year. Not sure why I bother, to tell the truth, vampires and photographic film, we don’t really get on …’

  His voice trailed off, and he paced the room distractedly for a moment before sitting down on the edge of the single bed that occupied a corner of the room. He patted the bedclothes.

  ‘Heffa, would you join me on the bed please?’

  His face was more serious than I’d ever seen it before. His brow was furrowed so deeply that a farmer would be able to plant his seed there. The air was electric with tension as I rose and stepped across the space between us. I sensed something momentous was about to happen. I sat on the bed and gazed deeply into the sensitive silver eyes that I knew so well, waiting for my love to speak his mind.