New Moan

by Stephfordy Mayo

  ‘Heffa, you are the most important thing in my life. I would trade everything I own for your safety – all my figurines, every single one of my 2,137 AC/DC CDs. I would even give up my Eternal Cool, were that still an option. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow night, but I do know that it’s nearly the end of the book. So unless Stephfordy wants to disappoint her audience with a massive anticlimax, The Reshuffle will certainly be an extremely perilous event. Maybe more perilous than your puny human form is able to endure.’

  He moved closer, and put his cold, hard hand on my trembling thigh. I knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth.

  ‘I want to bite you, Heffa. I want to bite you very hard. I’ll make you a vampire, that way you’ll be safe during The Reshuffle, and we’ll be together forever.’

  I said nothing, just looked down at Teddy’s hand creeping up my thigh. After a moment, he added, ‘It is what you want, isn’t it? You said you wanted it. I know you want it, I can see it in your eyes.’

  My mind was in turmoil. All these months, I’d been thinking about this moment, begging for it, and now here it was, and I didn’t feel any of the joy I’d expected. I loved Teddy, of course, he was my soulmate, and we were going to be together forever, but becoming a vampire wasn’t all boned corsets and eyeliner. There were consequences, too. Was I really ready to give up my family for a life in the shadows? Well, okay, that was a no-brainer, but I’d also have to lose something more precious and irreplaceable. My Eternal Cool.

  I hadn’t given the prospect much thought when Teddy had first warned me, because I’d never had any cool to lose. But during the last week, hanging out with Joe Cahontas while Teddy was in Romania, I’d started to feel differently.

  When I was with Joe and The Protection Racket, I could tell the other kids were envious of our laissez-faire attitude and our general insouciance. The French kids were, anyway. The rest just admired the wittily obscure slogans on our vintage T-shirts. We were simply too cool for the Academy. I’d always dreamed of making my peers jealous of me, and finally they were. Was I really ready to give that up, forever? I wasn’t sure, and unless I was sure, there was only one answer I could give.

  ‘I’m sorry, Teddy. I’m just not ready.’

  ‘Not ready? I thought this was what you wanted? I’ll be gentle, I promise. If you really loved me, you’d let me.’

  ‘Oh, Teddy, of course I love you, and I do want you to bite me, but, well, it’s complicated. I want it to be special, to mean something. I’m not going to let you bite me just because the world might end tomorrow. It’s a big decision, and one we’ll hopefully have the chance to live with for a long time. There’s no hurry. Let’s just wait and see how we feel after The Reshuffle, shall we? Assuming we survive.’

  Teddy crossed his arms and stood up. I could tell that he was upset, but I had to remain firm until I was sure. I didn’t want him thinking of me as just a quick snack he could gobble any time he felt like it.

  ‘Well, fine, if that’s how you feel. I’ll take you home, then you can curl up in your own bed like a little girl.’

  He marched off towards the door. I followed him, but didn’t waste my energy trying to explain myself. It would just have to wait until he was calmer.

  Bobbi and Jack were relaxing in the cozy entrance hall when Teddy and I found our way back there a few minutes later. Teddy still wasn’t speaking, but he gestured for them to join us, and a moment later the four of us were in Teddy’s car, driving swiftly away from the safe haven of Comealot.

  We took the long way around town. The roads were quiet, but we could see fires burning in central Spatula. Bobbi tried to speak, but Teddy brusquely shushed her, so we sat in awkward silence all the way back to my house, the hush punctuated only by the occasional scream or gunshot carried to us on the wind.

  When we pulled up outside my house, Teddy finally spoke, turning to his siblings. ‘Bobbi, Jack, you’re going to stay here with Heffa and protect her. Joseph and I will attend The Reshuffle tomorrow evening, and afterwards I’ll either come back, or we’ll all have bigger problems – of an eschatological nature, if you get my meaning.’

  Bobbi nodded grimly; Jack picked his nose. Teddy turned to me. ‘You will stay here, Heffa Lump. You will not attempt to sneak away from Bobbi and Jack and take Route 9 out of town to where the old funfair sits ominously atop the cliffs overlooking town. Do you understand me?’

  ‘But I’ll miss The Reshuffle! Where’s my climax?’ I pleaded.

  ‘I gave you the chance to come with me and you declined. If you attend The Reshuffle, you will surely die. Despite your stubborn truculence regarding the matter of the biting, I find I do not want this outcome to transpire. Therefore, you will remain within your familial domicile until such time as the danger has dissipated. Do I make myself clear?’

  I nodded, but did not speak. I knew Teddy was only acting for my own good, and if that meant I needed to be locked away from the world for the rest of time, then so be it. I grabbed his hand, kissed it once, and got out of the car. Bobbi and Jack followed me.

  Teddy tried his best to approximate a smile. ‘Don’t worry about me. I’ve already died once, and it ain’t no thing.’ Then he was driving away.

  I began to cry, and Bobbi embraced me. Jack patted the top of my head in a sympathetic manner. I was bawling now, all the pent-up emotions of the last few days spilling out of me. My one true love had gone, and the world might well end tomorrow. Who knew if we would see each other again? Crying unceasingly seemed like the only sensible response.

  I heard the front door open and wiped my eyes to see my father come onto the porch. It was nice of Bobbi and Jack to comfort me, but Bobbi’s embrace was cold, and Jack’s touch was leaden. They weren’t flesh and blood like Dad. I felt the overwhelming urge to collapse in his arms and just let him hold me, like when I was a baby.

  He walked down the steps towards our unlikely triad. Chump was strapped into some kind of black body armor, and several bandoliers of ammunition were draped across his chest. His left hand rested on the butt of a pistol holstered at his hip, and his right held the stock of a combat shotgun. He grinned at me, and rolled the large cigar in his mouth from one side to the other.

  ‘Hi Heffa. Sorry, can’t stop, all hell’s breaking loose in town, literally. Gotta get down there, zombies to kill. There’s a gun on the kitchen table in case you need it. Remember to save the last bullet. See you later, kiddo.’

  He puffed a mammoth cloud of noxious cigar smoke in my direction as he passed, and I watched as he climbed astride the sleek black motorcycle that he now appeared to favor. The rear tire skidded on the path as he sped off, showering us with gravel. I stood dumbfounded for a few seconds, looking after him, and then Bobbi was leading me inside.

  In the living room, the clock struck midnight. One day left until The Reshuffle. I loved Teddy for his protective instincts, but I was still the heroine of this story. My dad was out settling scores with the undead, and Teddy and his father were preparing to face off against who knew what. They were having adventures, and I had no intention of staying cooped up in my house like some Austrian girl for the next twenty-four hours. When The Reshuffle happened, I was determined to be there.

  But first, I had to get away from Bobbi and Jack – and with their preternatural vampire senses, that would be no mean feat. I needed to plan my escape carefully. I announced that I was going to bed: sticking to my usual routine was the best way to avoid arousing their suspicion. Bobbi looked up and waved me a cheery goodnight. Jack just continued rocking back and forth in his chair.

  As I passed through the hall, there was a knock on the door. I answered it, and found Joe Cahontas on my porch. He seemed upset, and the sight of me did nothing to brighten his expression. Before I could say hello, he shoved his long, clawed forefinger right in my face and started talking in a voice hardly quieter than a howl.

  ‘I won’t be here long. I can smell your filthy vampire friends inside, so I’ll let you get back
to your Marilyn Manson albums in a second. Listen, Heffa, we’ve been friends, but The Reshuffle is tomorrow night, and everything’s different now. I know I shrugged it off before, but the Utensil Indian Chiefs laid it all out for me, and now I get it. The werewolves have got to be there, and we’ve got to come out on top. I know you dig the bloodsuckers, so if you’re at the funfair tomorrow night, I’ll have to assume you’re on their side. And if the shit comes down and you get in our way, I’ll have to kill you, too. That would suck, so just stay right here, will you? For me?’

  Another man trying to tell me what to do with my life? I was starting to get tired of this, and Joe took the full force of my anger.

  ‘What is it with you boys? You don’t own me, you know. I can go out with whoever I like, and hang out with whoever I like, and go wherever I like, whenever I like. You understand me, dog-breath? It’s not enough that every supernatural entity in the area wants to kill me, now I’m not even allowed to attend the denouement of my own story? Well, forget you, buster!’

  I slammed the door right in his hairy face, and stormed up the stairs to bed.

  That night, I slept poorly, going over plans of escape in my head. How was I going to give Bobbi the slip? I thought about my options. I couldn’t outrun her, and I couldn’t overpower her. Maybe Dad’s gun would do the trick? How would Teddy feel about me murdering his sister? I ruled it out except as a last resort.

  I was getting nowhere. When morning came, I climbed out of bed and paced impatiently around my room – before opening the curtains, and realizing that the answer was right in front of me. I smiled, and went to take a shower.

  After dressing, I went downstairs, where Bobbi and Jack were sitting in the living room, just as I had left them.

  ‘Who’s up for some brunch?’ I asked. They nodded enthusiastically, and I reeled them in. ‘Let’s eat outside on the picnic table. It’s not raining for once.’

  We all went outside to sit in the back yard. Jack chewed contentedly on a long string of sausages, while Bobbi picked daintily at a pork chop. I slid a pair of dark glasses from my pocket, and held them in my hand.

  ‘You guys looked bored when I came downstairs,’ I observed innocently. Bobbi shrugged. ‘It’s funny, how people can get bored of things. Like, take Stephfordy Mayo, for instance.’

  Bobbi looked up now, puzzled. Jack dropped his sausages, concentrating on me.

  ‘I mean, she invents this piece of vampire lore where the light shines out of your asses when it’s sunny, and it’s all very new and exciting to begin with. But then the plot gets more complicated, and it gets completely forgotten about. It was sunny the whole time we were in Romania – they were in the middle of a heatwave, in fact – but it never even got mentioned.’

  Bobbi and Jack began to look alarmed, and stood up. I pointed at the sun hanging high in the midday sky. ‘Look, it’s blazing sunshine right now, and not even a flicker of an ass-ray from either of you.’

  The moment I pointed out this serious lapse in narrative consistency, there was a burning smell as the backs of the vampires’ pants were scorched away. The two of them staggered away from the table, screaming as blazing beams of pure white light poured from their behinds, blinding them. I slipped my sunglasses on, dived into the convenient plot hole that I’d created, and made good my escape.

  chapter 17

  * * *

  climax

  Old Spatula Funfair sat high on the cliffs about five miles out of town. It had closed down over a decade ago after one too many personal injury lawsuits. Its attractions sat rusting quietly now, probably more dangerous than ever as the passing years took their toll on the structural integrity of infamous rides like The Mangler and The Decapitron 3000.

  I made my way there cross-country, careful to keep my distance from the outskirts of Spatula. The unseasonal sun beat down on me as I trampled along the half-forgotten trails that led through the woods. I was pleased to see it; at least the various undead fiends that lusted for my blood/brains/body seemed to be keeping a low profile while it was out.

  Only one road led to the funfair entrance, and I was sure that it would be in heavy use as the zombies and banshees and who knew what else all headed towards the site of the coming Reshuffle. I would have to avoid the road if I didn’t want to be spotted and dismembered. I was thoroughly exhausted by the time I’d scaled the cliffs that were the only other option.

  The sun was sinking towards the western horizon as I lay on the clifftop, watching it disappear. The night of the New Moan was imminent. Who knew if that friendly yellow globe would ever return? Best to enjoy it while I still could. Besides, my legs were absolutely killing me. If I knew anything about Stephfordy’s obsession with dramatic timing, The Reshuffle wouldn’t start until the stroke of midnight. There couldn’t be any harm in resting my poor ravaged body for just a few minutes …

  Something howled in the distance and I startled awake. I couldn’t believe I’d gone to sleep at such a moment of high drama. Did Stephfordy want me to miss everything? It wasn’t fair! My watch said it was gone eleven, and the crescent moon was high in the sky. The Reshuffle was happening somewhere within the grounds of Old Spatula Funfair within the hour. I needed to start searching. Canapés were being served at 11:30, and I was ravenous.

  A nearby signpost pointed out the fair’s former attractions. The Tunnel of Love seemed an unlikely venue, and even the damned weren’t crazy enough to go anywhere near The Decapitron 3000, so those were both out. Aha, of course: the Ghost House – that way, six hundred yards. Average queuing time from this sign, 45 minutes. I had to hurry.

  I heard the sound of voices before long, and I slipped off the path into the shadows, approaching the source with catlike stealth. I could see the Ghost House up ahead. It was a rickety, two-storey wooden structure that had probably been pretty unsafe even in its heyday, and was almost certainly deadly now. I resolved to stay clear if possible; I didn’t want tetanus on top of getting killed by the undead.

  There were hundreds of people and … not people … milling around outside. They were gathered into groups, some quite large, some with just a few members. Each was keeping a wary distance from the others. They talked among themselves in hushed tones, and the atmosphere was thick with anticipation. I stayed in the shadow of the arcade that faced the Ghost House, trying to catch sight of my darling Teddy, but my view was obscured by the crowd. I crept quietly up a metal staircase and hid behind the sign on the roof of the arcade.

  From my new vantage point I could identify some of the groups below, either because I’d studied them in Mr. Wellbord’s class, or because they’d tried to eat me already. I spotted Joe Cahontas and the rest of The Protection Racket in their wolf forms. They were huddled in a circle outside the gift shop with about a dozen or so other werewolves, presumably discussing their tactics for the imminent Reshuffle. Over by the helter-skelter was a large group of zombies. They weren’t particularly animated; they seemed happy stumbling around and bumping into each other. How many of those things were there? I wondered. Hell must be empty.

  My heart sank as I noticed the leather-coated vampires by the carousel. Teddy had destroyed their leader, Ms Crabtree, way back in Chapter 10, but they were still here in force, thirty of them at least. Some sat astride the carousel horses, while others lounged at their feet. A few paced impatiently, flexing their muscles. A tall vampire with blond hair and a cigarette in his mouth was issuing orders, but no one seemed to be paying a great deal of attention.

  I glanced from group to group, spotting banshees, mummies, trolls, and even a slightly out-of-place posse of cowboys. But nowhere did I see my cold handsome Teddy or his father.

  Directly below my rooftop hiding place was another small group of zombies. I wondered why they weren’t with the others, and – more to the point – why they were holding clipboards. I looked closer, and realized that the brown-haired zombie was actually just Wanda Mensional in a zombie mask and a wig. The others must be kids from school too! Wha
t were they doing here? Didn’t they know the danger they were in? Actually, based on past experience, they probably didn’t even know which state they were in. I had to warn them, especially if it meant selflessly risking my own life.

  I crept back down the stairs and snuck around the corner to join them. ‘Wanda, what the fiery heck are you guys doing here? Don’t you know that the supernatural number two is about to hit the fan?’

  ‘Who’s Wanda?’ said Wanda from beneath her rotting-flesh mask. ‘I’m Winona Arizona. Zombie Winona Arizona.’

  ‘Cut it out, Wanda, just get out of here while you still can. The Reshuffle will begin any second now.’

  ‘Duh, we know, that’s why we’re here. Miss Shirley said we needed to get practical experience of denouements.’

  The others nodded, and zombie Chip waved. I buried my head in my hands. There was no helping some people. I had valid reasons for being here: I needed to narrate, and hog all the glory if the world got saved. These kids were little more than cameo roles; they were just going to end up dead. Hadn’t Mr. Wellbord taught them anything?

  As if to prove my point, I heard Kristina scream. She was struggling with a caped figure who was attempting to force a syringe into her arm. I recognized Joseph Kelledy’s voice whispering, ‘You’ll just feel a little pain, and then your temperature will be gone, I promise.’ Kristina screamed again.

  ‘Ah think y’all should step away from the little lady, feller,’ said a tall cowboy, stepping between Kristina and Joseph, hands hovering close to the pearl handles of his pistols. Joseph hissed at the cowboy, and dropped into a slight crouch. The cowboy’s hands edged closer to his guns.

  Then Teddy was between them, his body language calm, his voice placid. ‘That’s quite all right, pardner, we don’t want any trouble. It’s just a misunderstanding, my father thought the lady was dying, but as we can all clearly see’ – he glared at Joseph – ‘she’s fine. No need for alarm. We’ve all got a busy night ahead of us, let’s not shoot our load early.’