Shattered Essence

by NK Morales

  Espe

  I was dreading this day.

  It was five o’clock in the morning and Drew and I were at the lake. Drew was sitting crossed legged on the dock. I was sitting between his thighs with my legs wrapped around his waist. He had both of his arms around me, holding me tightly to his chest. His head was touching my chin. I had my arms around his neck. We sat in silence, neither one of us wanting to let go of the other.

  Tears were streaming down my face. With every sob and gasp of air I took he held me tighter, rocking me.

  I could hear the birds chirping and the water from the lake crashing on the shore. I was mad at the stupid birds. How dare they be happy and chipper? Didn’t they know my heart was breaking? Weren’t they aware of my sadness? I wasn’t ready to let go. And I sure as hell did not want to say goodbye. How was it possible to have the best experience of my life and the worst experience of my life all in one week? I knew I should be grateful for the time I had with Drew. Instead I was pissed. Why would the universe do this to me? Why would the universe send him to me only to take him away?

  I was trying to engrave his smell, his touch, the sound of his breath, and the feel of his skin into my memory.

  Drew broke the silence by whispering in my ear, “I found love in Colorado. You are the only person who really knows me.” Twirling my hair he said, “You now and forever own my whole heart. Please, don’t ever forget.”

  I thought for sure I would drown in my own tears. “The world is coming down around me.” Between sobs I said, “Please tell me you’ll love me when I’m gone.”

  “I will always love you.” Cupping my face in his hands he explained, “We are not saying goodbye forever, just goodbye for now. No matter how far apart we are from each other, I will always be with you. No matter how long it takes for us to be together again, I will never let you go.”

  I was so distraught I didn’t notice when Scott walked up to us.

  “Drew, it’s time to go. Mom and Dad have checked us out and Jessica is waiting in the car,” he said with sorrow in his voice.

  Chapter 17

  Drew

  I held Esperanza’s hand all the way back to the ranch in silence. I felt terrible—she was in pain and I was the cause of it. Part of me thought it would have been better if we’d never met. Then neither of us would be feeling this miserable. The other part of me thought it was better to love than never to have loved at all. They say things happen for a reason. I’m not sure what reason it is at the moment. All I know is I’m falling to pieces. I hated the look in her eyes. There was sadness, loss, anger, and love. What was I going to do when the best part of me was gone? I struggled to say something, anything. I tried to tell her I would go to the end of the world for her. I would die for her. I would do anything to make her happy. What was I supposed to say when I couldn’t find my voice? I was all choked up. I was trying to be strong for both of us. I was unsuccessful. The only thing I could manage to do was squeeze her hand and stare at my shoes.

  Coward.

  It didn’t take long for us to return to the ranch. When we arrived my family was in the car ready to leave just as Scott had said. When I thought the day couldn’t get any worse it started to rain. I hated to leave her. I didn’t want to leave her; still I knew I had to. I felt a tear roll down my check as our fingers separated from one another. I quickly wiped it away.

  When I finally found my voice I told her, “Please don’t cry. Everything will be okay. We will be together again. I promise.” I knew I would talk to her daily and I hoped I would see her soon. Yet I knew someplace deep inside it wouldn’t be soon enough. For the second time this week I felt fear.

  She kissed my lips and whispered to me, “I will never forget.”

  “Para siempre,” I whispered back, meaning forever.

  I opened the back door of my dad’s SUV, got in and shut the door. I couldn’t look at her. If I did I’d lose the composure I had been trying so hard to keep. I closed my eyes, leaning back on the headrest and trying to fight back the emptiness I felt. As we left the ranch I listened to the rain hit the roof of our SUV. I kept thinking of our last moments together.

  My heart felt like it weighed five pounds. I could actually feel the weight; it was a heavy and empty.

  Chapter 18

  July 4, four years later

  Drew

  Summer was in full swing. I was looking forward to one more final hurrah before I entered the ranks of the working class. I was driving down Interstate 5 headed to Clairemont Mesa. My buddy Steve was having a fourth of July barbeque. We grew up in the same neighborhood and have been good buds since daycare. As kids we played baseball, football, and basketball together. When we were eight we started taking Kenpo Karate together, to this day we still attend training together when we can. Today I’m a second degree black belt and Steve is a first degree black belt. The only reason Steve wasn’t a second degree black belt was due to his military time overseas.

  When we were kids we were always playing cops and robbers. In high school we talked about being agents together. We spent countless hours learning everything we could about the FBI, the DEA, and the ATF. My mom, now an FBI supervisory agent, was critical in leading us down the right path. She had advised us that candidates selected for training either came with a military background with some sort of special force training. The other candidates were those who had a degree they could use; also a second language was a plus. This was the main reason why I chose a double major, Forensic Science and Spanish, with a minor in Criminal Justice.

  It took me five years but I was finally done with college. Recently I learned both Steve and I were accepted into the DEA basic agent training program in Quantico, Virginia. We would be leaving in August for 18 weeks to be part of their resident program. I think my mom pulled some strings to get us both in, which didn’t bother me one bit. I needed all the help I could get.

  While I went to college, Steve had joined the Marines after high school. It didn’t take long before he was going to college at night and working on a Criminal Justice degree. I wasn’t surprised when he told me he’d been selected into the Marines Special Ops program as a Scout Sniper. As a teen he spent hours at the shooting range with his dad. I can’t complain about the two of us attending training together. It’s always nice to know someone will have your back. I had the chance to live the life I always dreamed of.

  The only thing missing from my life was my second half. Even though I had lost complete contact with Esperanza I still thought of her. She was my first love. She is still the only girl I have ever loved. To this day I’ve never met anyone else like her. I remember her kind heart, her loveable spirit, and of course her killer smile. It had been two years since the last time there was any communication between us.

  For the first month after leaving the ranch, I talked to her every day. Sometimes for hours, other times only for a few minutes. When I returned to the states we tried to get together, but something always happened. She was going to visit me for Thanksgiving when a winter storm cancelled her flight. The second time we tried I was driving down interstate forty when my engine blew just outside of Flagstaff, Arizona, from lack of oil. On a side note, I am now religious about changing my oil every three thousand miles. The third time we tried I was going to fly out to see her when, the night before, my grandmother died of a heart attack. After that we couldn’t agree on a date that would work for both of us. To make matters worse I got tired of whack jobs in the shower and started seeing other girls. I’m not very proud of that fact. As time went by we talked less and less. Before I knew it the only communication we had was an occasional birthday or Christmas card. Eventually those stopped as well. I still thought about her. If I focused hard enough I could still remember her face, her voice, and how she smelt of Jasmine. Her touch got harder and harder to remember. As the days went by the only thing that didn’t fade was my love for her. She was never far away from my thoughts. I still dreamt about her all the time. There had been many times
I wanted to find her and reconnect. Then my mind would think she could find me if she wanted to. I thought maybe she was happy with someone else and I was better off leaving the past in the past. In the end I decided it would be best for both of us if we continued on our separate paths. I was wondering where she was and who she was with when I pulled up to the curb at Steve’s house. I prayed she was happy.

  There were several people I recognized from high school. Many of those in attendance were either ex-military or still serving. Steve had quite the Fourth of July party going. The tables were covered in red, white, or blue cloth sprinkled with silver confetti in the shape of stars. There was also a mini American flag on every table in a centerpiece of red, white, and blue carnations. The buffet table was draped with a banner resembling the American flag. All the utensils and serving pieces were either red, white, or blue. The tents where covered in lights and stars hung from the tents support poles. I was positive Steve had nothing to do with the decorations. It was more likely his younger sister Jennifer had decorated. Steve probably didn’t have a creative bone in his body. He was a Marine through and through. He looked like a six-foot-tall bulldog. His muscles made his T-shirt appear fused to his skin. He sported a bald head and several tattoos; one was a Dr. Seuss quote on his wrist, Being crazy isn’t enough. He is certainly a threatening figure. Most people are scared shitless upon meeting Steve. Truth be told, he is very loyal and by far one of the most generous people I know. He will give the shirt off his back to help a person in need.

  Steve went all out on the food—steamed crawdads, corn on the cob, corn fritters, barbecued chicken, hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, chips, brownies, and plenty of beer. I was talking to Steve about his military experience when Jen walked over and gave me a bear hug.

  “Hey Squirt, how’s it going?” I asked.

  She had changed quite a bit since the last time I saw her. For one thing, she no longer had braces or glasses. Her hair was more of a platinum blonde than the dirty blonde I remembered. I noticed she had filled out in all the right places.

  “I’m doing just fine. I’ll be a freshman at San Jose State University.”

  “What are you majoring in?” I asked.

  “I think I want to be a teacher.” She was talking more to her older brother than to me.

  I took a sip of my beer prior to inquiring, “Oh yeah? Ankle bitters, brats, pubies, or know-it-alls?”

  Laughing, Steve said, “Oh my god, that’s funny.”

  Ignoring her brother Jen replied, “Definitely ankle bitters or brats. The only thing I have to worry about with them is snot and colds. Junior high wouldn’t be too bad either except rumor has it eighth graders are the worst. They discover the opposite sex and their hormones are all over the place. It’s when they’re trying to figure out who they are along with fighting for their independence.” Shaking her head back and forth she finished with, “No way do I want to teach teenagers. I’ve heard horror stories about what you and Steve used to do in high school, so no thank you. High school is not for me. I have no desire to be surrounded by a room full of pricks and bitches.”

  Laughing I asked, “You sure teaching is the right career?”

  Simultaneously Steve said, “Jeez sis, you make it sounds so appealing. You sure you want to teach?”

  Steve and I busted out laughing. Jen ignored us both. Apparently she didn’t find it as funny as we did. Tilting her head back to take the last sip of her soda she asked, “Would you two like another beer?”

  “Hey thanks, Squirt. I’m ready for another one.” I said.

  Steve said, “Me too. Thanks, Sis”.

  “Wow, Steve, your baby sister grew up.” Provoking him, I flexed my eyebrows up and down in a flirting motion.

  “Hey, fucker, don’t even think about it.” He said in a teasing voice and yet I knew he was totally serious.

  Smiling, punching him in the arm I said, “She’s like a sister to me and I would never disrespect you.”

  He put his forefinger in the center of my chest. “Dude. Whatever. You just don’t want me to kick your ass.”

  Catching him by surprise, I grabbed his head in my forearm, putting him in a head lock and rubbing my knuckles on his head. “Who’s going to kick who’s ass?”

  He pulled away from my grasp. “Damn dude, you’re quick for a nerd.”

  “And you’re pretty slow for a special ops fucker. You only have four weeks to get the sand out of your vagina.”

  He stared at me, trying to register what I had said. “That’s a good one. You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

  It wasn’t long before we were laughing hysterically. He was holding his side trying to catch his breath before he said, “Stop, I have diarrhea.” Which only made us laugh harder.

  Looking around the party he said, “Where in the hell is Jen with our beer?”

  “What do you think is keeping her? You probably made her cry,” I said.

  I nodded as he headed toward the house. “Hurry back, I’m thirsty,” I hollered after him.

  I was reaching for a handful of potato chips when I noticed a tall blonde behind me. She had shoulder-length straight hair with bangs and dark roots. She was wearing a light yellow sundress with thin straps. A V-neck opening offered me a glimpse of cleavage. Her skin was very copper and her hair had a tinge of green from spending too much time in the pool. She reminded me of a tall Umpa Lumpa. She would be cute if she wasn’t so leathery orange.

  “How do you know Steve?” she asked.

  “We grew up together. You?” I asked while putting another handful of chips in my mouth.

  “I work at the mall with Jen.” Extending her hand, “Hi, I’m Paige. Paige Thomas.”

  I shook her hand. “Drew Malone.”

  “Hey, you two.” Jen finally returned with my beer.

  “Where you been, Squirt? It’s a good thing I didn’t die of thirst or anything.”

  “Sorry, I got sidetracked. Where’s Steve?”

  “I think he did die of thirst.” Laughing. “Nah, kidding, he went to see what was taking you so long.”

  “I see you met Paige. What do you think? She’s pretty, right?”

  I loved Jen except sometimes she talked too much and usually said exactly what she was thinking. “Yeah, we met.”

  “Hey I was sorry to hear about your grandmother. I met her once and she seemed really nice.”

  “Thanks. She was a good lady and will be missed.”

  “I heard she left you loaded.”

  I hated talking about money. With a smile I said, “What lies has Steve been telling you?”

  “He didn’t tell me anything, not even after I begged him to tell me. Rumor has it she left her only three grandchildren millions each in a trust fund they can’t touch till they’re like thirty or something. Is it true?”

  I was surprised the rumor was pretty accurate. The only discrepancy was it couldn’t be touched until I turned twenty-five, not thirty. I winked at her and said nothing.

  “So it’s true? You are loaded. Come on Drew, tell me,” she pleaded.

  “I will neither confirm nor deny.” Doing my best to ignore her I tried to change the subject. “So, Paige can I get you something to drink?”

  Smiling she said, “Yeah, I’ll take a wine cooler, if you don’t mind.”

  “Want to come with?” I asked as I extended my hand out to her.

  Jen crossed her arms pouting. “Fine Drew, I’ll stop asking. I can take a hint, you know.”

  I reached out to Jen, wrapped one arm around her shoulder, and kissed her on her head. “Come on, let’s go get Paige a drink.” The three of us walked to the bar Steve had set up next to the pool.

  Several drinks later I realized I spent the majority of the evening talking to Paige. She was going to school to be a graphic designer. She was the fourth of six kids. She worked at the mall so she could get a discount on clothes. She loved to shop. She asked about my family, my grandmother, where I grew up and if I was truly loaded. I an
swered all her questions except for the one about money. I even managed to kiss her once or twice before the evening ended.

  The following morning I woke to the sun hitting me in the face. It took me a minute to realize I was not in my bedroom. I was not wearing any clothes and a naked Paige was sleeping on my arm.

  As I lay in bed trying not to disturb Paige I thought about the women I had slept with over the past several years. They all served a single purpose. Sex. Nothing more. Paige was no exception.

  Over the next month, when time allowed, Paige and I hung out together, ate together, and slept together. We even managed to go on several dates. I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. I enjoyed our time together, but beyond that I had no intention of continuing our relationship once I left for training in a couple of weeks. I didn’t want to complicate my life. She was a summer fling. No more, no less. Besides, as soon as I complete training I had every intention of finding Esperanza. I missed her. I needed her.

  Chapter 19

  Fall

  Drew

  In early September, three weeks into training, I finally decided to return one of Paige’s many calls. I opened a bottle of water, picked up my phone, and dialed her number.

  “Hey Paige, it’s me.” I said nonchalantly.

  “I’m glad you called.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  Silence.

  Oh shit, silence is never good.

  “Paige, what’s going on?” I asked, regretting my decision to call her.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  My heart stopped beating. My water bottle fell to the floor.

  “What?”

  “I said I was pregnant.”

  At first I thought she was going to be upset I hadn’t called. Ask me why I’m ignoring her? Why didn’t I like her? I thought maybe she was going to rip me a new one for being an inconsiderate selfish ass. Then I would have to tell her I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. Blah, blah, blah. Nowhere in the scenario in my head did I ever think she’d call to tell me I knocked her up. Nowhere! Wasn’t even on the radar.