Shattered Essence

by NK Morales

  I put my free hand on my forehead, disbelieving I was having this conversation. “I thought you were on the pill?”

  “I am. Was.”

  “What does that even mean?” I asked matter of factly. “Explain. Please.”

  “I don’t know what happened.”

  Raising my voice a few octaves I asked, “What do you mean you don’t know what happened?”

  More silence.

  “Are you sure it’s mine?” I hated having to ask but I had a right to know if she’d been sleeping with anyone else.

  I can’t breathe. I’m freaking out. I have no idea what to do. But having a baby at this time in my life is not at all what I need or want. I haven’t even had the chance to get my career off the ground. I’m in shock, angry as hell, and completely caught off guard.

  “I’m nine-and-a-half weeks pregnant and yes, I’m sure it’s yours,” she said.

  “I need a minute to think,” I said as I rubbed my right eye with the palm of my hand.

  I started calculating back nine-and-a-half weeks. Figured the first night I met her was when she became pregnant. I tried to recall as much of that night as I could. One, I was a wee bit intoxicated at Steve’s and agreed to go home with Paige. Two, I had sex with Paige and the condom tore. Three, she told me she was on the pill and I had nothing to worry about. I recalled thinking at the time, Thank god she’s on the pill because the last thing I need right now is to deal with a baby. Four, I saw a bottle of antibiotics on her bathroom sink. I remembered learning about how antibiotics weaken the effects of the pill. I wondered if she knew. I wondered when she took the antibiotics, but at the time I was too intoxicated to give a fuck, much less remember to ask.

  I hate myself for not being smarter. I should’ve thought with the head on my shoulders, not my dick. I should’ve asked her about the antibiotics. I shouldn’t have drank so much at Steve’s. I was furious that my stupidity might cost me my dream.

  It took me several minutes before I was able to gather my composure and continue my conversation with Paige. I found out she was taking the antibiotics at the time we slept together for a sinus infection. Neither one of us were comfortable with the thought of aborting the baby. As much as I hated the thought, I realized I was now forced into a committed relationship with Paige. I hardly knew her and I sure as hell wasn’t going to marry her. I didn’t love her and hell no I wasn’t ready to be a father. How did this happen to me? What the hell was I supposed to do now? Finding Espe wasn’t an option any more.

  Bad fucking timing!

  I’ve always wanted children and regardless of the way this one was coming into the world I was going to be a dad. I was going to be a part of this child’s life. This meant I had two options. Loyal father or deadbeat dad.

  Humph! Decisions, decisions.

  Chapter 20

  Winter

  Espe

  The weekend was finally here. I had no trouble accepting the invitation to happy hour with a few coworkers. The local brewery portrayed a let your hair down and get loose sort of vibe. The bar area and patio were packed with all sorts of patrons. There were people in suits, scrubs, shorts, jeans, even people in cocktail dresses. One thing was for sure, the place was hopping. Four of my coworkers headed for the pool tables. Three of us sat at the bar. My companions were talking about football when I felt someone standing behind me.

  “Excuse me, can I take a picture of you? I’d love to show Santa what I want for Christmas.”

  I turned in my bar stool to see who was talking into my hair. “No.”

  “I know I don’t have a chance, but I just wanted to hear an angel talk.”

  “Trust me, I’m no angel,” I said to the lanky guy standing in front of me.

  He was wearing black chino pants, a short-sleeved black nylon shirt and a pair of tattoo sleeves with some sort of tribal design. His hair was dark brown, curly, spiked, and several grouped strands were carefully pasted to his forehead. He wore thick-rimmed black glasses. Finishing off his outfit was a pair of red canvas tennis shoes.

  Not willing to give up, he said, “No offense. I was just thinking I could be your sheets and cover you up with my love.” He raised his eyebrows up and down several times in a flirtatious manner.

  I put my hand up in a stop motion to keep him from advancing any closer. “NO!” I stated.

  He touched my upper arm. “Come on babe, you’re so hot I’m getting a tan just looking at you.”

  I looked at his hand on my arm, and shaking my head slowly back and forth I said, “Please remove your hand before I break it.” I looked up at him and gave him a forced smile.

  Following the removal of his hand he slid his glasses back to the bridge of his nose with his forefinger. “You don’t have to be so mean. I was just hoping we could get to know each other.”

  Feeling a little bad for the guy, I thought I should try to let him down easy. “I’m sorry, you seem nice enough but I don’t think I want to get to know you. You’re not ugly or anything, you’re just not my type.”

  Backing away from me he said, “Dang girl, I was only trying to be nice.”

  “So was I,” I said honestly.

  Hissing he spat, “You are a serious bitch. You know that?”

  I closed my eyes for a second, tilted my head, and shrugged my shoulders. I really didn’t care what he thought. I smiled and waved bye to him. I turned back to the bar and took a large gulp of my beer. I hadn’t even swallowed when I heard bachelor number two.

  “What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in the room?”

  Balls! Can’t a girl enjoy a drink in peace?

  “Not you, too?” I asked finishing my beer.

  “I admire how you stood up to that guy.”

  “Thanks. I think,” I commented.

  I turned to look at the man standing next to me. He had straight dark brown shoulder-length hair that curled slightly at the bottom. His light brown eyes had flecks of green and gold in them. A square jaw sported a five o’clock shadow which showcased the small silver hoop earring in his left ear. From the look of his biceps I assumed he had a fairly respectable body. He was wearing faded blue jeans, black work boots, and a black T-shirt that hung nicely on his torso.

  “Question for you: who lies more, men or women? My buddy and I have a bet going. He thinks guys lie more but girls are better liars. I think girls lie more because they’re better liars. Who do you think lies more?” he asked.

  He had bad boy written all over him. Yumm! What a nice distraction.

  Laughing I replied, “Do you ride a bike?”

  “Like a BMX?”

  I raised my arm half way to get the bartender’s attention, ordering another beer. “Is that a yes?”

  He smiled, showcasing a perfect set of white teeth. “I traded my BMX in a while ago for a XLH Sportster 883 hugger.”

  “Ah, a Harley man.” I took a drink of beer before continuing, “Eight- hundred- eighty-three cubic centimeters per minute with a four-stroke V2 engine.”

  His jaw dropped. “I’m impressed!”

  I smiled and winked. I wasn’t going to tell him I just finished an audit for a Harley dealership. This was the only reason I knew anything about motorcycles.

  It had been a while since I was even remotely interested in a member of the opposite sex. I had to accept I was probably never going to see Drew again. For whatever reason he stopped calling, and my calls to him went unanswered. I had no idea where he was or what he was doing. Did he graduate from college? Did he apply for DEA training? Did he fall in love with someone else?

  I will never forget the pain; the million tears I shed after our separation and the million more when I realized forever could be severed. Now, the hole in my heart was finally healed. All that was left behind was an ugly scar. I would never willingly put myself through that pain again. I would never give my entire heart to another person. Never! There was still so much time had not erased. I found it was much easier to bury the pain and memories as
if they never happened. The past hurt and I didn’t like looking at it. Instead I shoved my grief in a closet, locked the door, swallowed the key, and put an impenetrable fence around my heart. All the long dark lonely nights have somehow made me stronger. Even if my heart were made of cold hard steel, nowhere did it state I couldn’t have a little fun.

  “Care to join me for a drink?” I asked.

  And this is how I met Jake Anderson. I liked Jake; he was funny, charming, and good looking. He was just what I needed to get Drew Malone out of my head.

  Chapter 21

  Winter

  Drew

  It was late in the morning, Paige was twenty-three weeks pregnant, and in less than three hours I would be getting married. The wedding was to take place in her hometown of Austin, Texas. It would be a small wedding with only her family, my family, and a few good friends in attendance. Steve was my best man and Paige’s sister Fran was her maid of honor.

  As I stood in the shower leaning my head on the wall, letting hot water encompass my body, I was thinking that over the past six months my life had been turned upside down. I went from being a kid fresh out of college and living the bachelor’s life: partying, staying up all night, and getting laid as often as I could, to being a man about to get married with a baby on the way, a mortgage, a full-time job, and living hundreds of miles away from my friends and family. It had taken me several weeks to accept my situation. After many talks with Steve and my parents I accepted my fate of becoming a father.

  Upon completing agent training I was assigned to work out of the Phoenix Division in Arizona. I asked Paige to move to Arizona with me in order for us to get to know each other better, which, to my surprise, she agreed to do.

  It took a couple of weeks before we became adjusted to each other’s routines. I purchased a home in the suburbs with a backyard large enough for a child to play in. As a rookie agent I was trying to learn the ropes at work. At home I was doing everything I could to assure Paige I was going to be around for her and our child. Paige had decided not to return to school until after the baby was born. In the meantime she went to work for a temp agency. Most of her assignments consisted of filling in for receptionists who were on vacation or had called in sick.

  In the short time we had lived together I discovered Paige wasn’t much of a cook or housekeeper. We spent at least four nights a week going out for dinner. The other three nights I cooked and cleaned up. After dinner I spent an hour or so doing household chores. Paige was usually too tired from the combination of work, pregnancy, and morning sickness to help out. I had read that the first trimester of pregnancy was the worst for morning sickness. Even though Paige was in her second trimester, she still vomited several times throughout the day. Because of this I didn’t mind when Paige went to bed after dinner. As long as she was keeping herself and the baby healthy, who was I to complain? We were both in agreement that the baby would benefit from having both parents around. We were trying to make this relationship work by putting in the time and effort. Paige insisted she loved me and I knew given enough time I would love her back.

  I was bound to Paige and I genuinely cared for her. We understood each other. We got along fine, and as a matter of fact I really enjoyed being around her. She is attractive, clever, affectionate, creative, and above all, patient.

  My mom was the one who ultimately convinced me to marry Paige, insisting it was my duty and responsibility to take care of her and our unborn child. Paige understood the situation for what it was, and as testament to this she was empathetic when I asked her to sign a prenuptial agreement before we got engaged. My father convinced me it was the right thing to do. On one hand she was going to be my wife and the mother of my child. On the other hand I wasn’t in love with her. Out of the seven months I had known Paige, four-and-a-half months I spent at basic training in Virginia. Technically I’d only spent six weeks or so getting to know her.

  The agreement simply stated if we were to divorce she would not be entitled to any of the inheritance my grandmother left me, including any accumulating interest. In addition any property which was purchased with my inheritance would remain solely mine. In the event Paige survived my death my inheritance and all property purchased with my inheritance would descend to our heirs unless otherwise stated in a Will and Testament. Which I still have to do before the baby gets here. If there are no surviving heirs everything would descend to the Malone family estate. She agreed to waive spousal support, the right to my pension, retirement funds, and stock options. Any child support would be based only on my career or professional earnings.

  It was a tough decision to make and I was tormented for days. Even now, as I breathed in filling my lungs with steam, I felt like a complete asshole.

  “Jesus Drew, leave some water for the rest of us,” yelled Scott as he banged on the door, bringing me out of my stupor.

  “I’ll be out in a minute,” I yelled back.

  I had finished getting dressed and was staring out the window. I felt as if I were breathing lead instead of oxygen. As I laid my hand across my heart I thought, I’m here without you love. In one simple thought of Espe I now understood how completely broken I was. My soul was grieving. Half of me wanted to laugh; the other half wanted to vomit.

  Slowly releasing what little air I had in my lungs, I waited for Scott to finish getting dressed. When he was ready he asked, “Are you ready for this, big brother?” He was dangling his keys in front of me. “There’s plenty of time for me to get you out of here.”

  I patted him on his shoulder and gave him my best smile. “I’m ready for this, Scott. It’s what I want.” I was hoping he couldn’t tell I was scared as hell.

  He responded by wrapping me in a bear hug. “I’m glad to hear you say that. I know how hard this situation has been on you. You’ll be a good husband and a great dad.” He patted me on the back before releasing me. “I’m grateful you found someone else to love.”

  “Thanks, man.” There was no way I was going to tell him I didn’t love her. There was only one person I truly loved, only one person held my heart. I knew if I was going to have any chance of making this marriage work, I was going to have to let Espe go. My first step was marrying Paige. And I wasn’t sure I had the strength to let Espe go.

  Scott punched me in the arm and said, “Let’s go see if Mom can get these bowties tied.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” I said as I grabbed my Tuxedo jacket and headed for the door.

  Scott opened the door. “Come on, let’s go get you married.”

  Chapter 22

  Spring

  Drew

  It was a beautiful spring morning, the air smelling like rain and fresh-cut grass. I was pushing the spreader, laying down fertilizer, when I noticed Paige appear on the back porch.

  “Drew, guess what?” she said, rubbing her swollen belly.

  “We’re out of coffee?” I guessed, joking.

  “I think I’m in labor.”

  “What? No! Really?” I could feel my blood pressure drop. I’m going to be a dad.

  “The contractions are near five minutes apart. I think I should get to the hospital.” She smiled and held her hand out to me.

  I ran up the deck stairs leaving the fertilizer spreader in the middle of the yard. I reached for her hand, leading her inside the house and straight to the garage. “Are you sure?” I was tense and jumpy. “I’ll grab your bag while you get in the car.”

  Beaming with excitement she said, “I can’t believe this is finally happening. We’re finally going to meet Megan Samantha Malone.”

  I kissed the top of her head then ran to the closet where her bag was packed. I ran through the house getting everything I thought we would need. I started a mental check list.

  Suitcase. Check.

  Cell phone and charger. Check.

  Camera. Check.

  Baby bag. Check.

  Car seat. Car seat? Where in the hell is the car seat?

  Think, Drew, think!

 
I check every room in the house and can’t find the damn thing. Paige honking the horn. I run to the garage hollering, “I can’t find the car seat.”

  From the passenger side seat Paige turns and points to the backseat.

  Right! I smack my forehead with my hand and announce, “I am such an idiot!”

  I’m a nervous wreck! My hands are shaking. Sweat is dripping from my temples. I can’t think straight.

  I completely forgot I had put it in two days ago. I ran back inside grabbing everything we needed and put it in the trunk of the car. I got behind the wheel and sped to the hospital.

  As soon as Paige is checked into the hospital I call my parents, her parents, and Steve.

  Paige and I were walking through the hall of the maternity ward in hopes of getting her to dilate faster. After an hour of walking, my arms were covered in bruises. She was using them as crutches to ride out the worst of her contractions. At nearly two in the afternoon the nurse suggested it was a good time for the epidural.

  An hour and thirty-three minutes later Megan was born. She was nothing like I expected. She was 20 inches long and weighed in at seven pounds three ounces. Before she was born I’d imagined her to be a mini version of her mother. Instead she had a head full of strawberry blonde hair and emerald green eyes like her nana Mary Kay.

  I honestly cannot find the words to describe how I felt at this moment. The second Megan came into this world she became my number one priority. She was more important to me than my own well-being. More important than Paige, my parents, even my recollection of Espe. I found myself not wanting to miss a moment of her life. Not one smile, not one tear, not even a wiggle. I wanted to be the first person she saw in the morning and the last person she saw at night. As I held Megan in my arms, I was mesmerized by the sound of her breathing. I suddenly understood my purpose in life: to protect her. To stand her up when she falls down, and to guide her down the right path like my parents have done for me. I will always love Paige for giving me the perfect gift.