Pink Flamingoed

by Steve Demaree

  Everyone sat in silence as they waited for their pastor. More than one person wore a concerned look. A few minutes later, the door of the church opened. A few people gasped as the homeless man who had visited them the past two weeks entered the church. Frank noticed, too, got up and greeted the man, and asked him to sit with him and Cora. The visitor complied, although he hung his head much like he did on his visit the previous week. Several people came over and welcomed the homeless man to the church. He mumbled something, but continued to hang his head.

  Brad had gone up to greet the homeless man. When he returned to his seat, he began to smile.

  “What’s so funny?” Amy asked.

  “Oh, nothing.”

  “All right, Brad Forrester. Tell me.”

  “It’s just that I know that guy.”

  “You mean the homeless guy?”

  “Yep.”

  “You mean you saw him before the other day?”

  “Yeah, he’s a good friend of mine.”

  “You mean you know homeless people.”

  “Oh, I knew this guy before he was homeless.”

  “Where do you know him from?”

  “I’ll tell you later,” Brad replied, still continuing to smile.

  When it came time for the service to start, everyone took a seat. They expected Pastor Scott to arrive at any moment. As the minutes passed, many looked at their watches. At 10:40, Pastor Scott had not yet arrived.

  At 10:45, fifteen minutes after the service was to have begun, the homeless man stood up. Everyone looked at him. He just stood there next to Frank with his head bowed. After standing there for a couple of minutes, seemingly in prayer, the stranger took off his coat, placed it on the pew beside Frank, and stepped out into the aisle. Then, to the surprise of everyone except Brad, he walked to the front of the church, turned around, and began to remove his make-up. As soon as everyone recognized Pastor Scott, they began to gasp. Brad turned to Amy and smiled once more.

  After Pastor Scott had finished removing his make-up, he reached over and began to take things out of a box. Then he gave his thirty-two word sermon.

  “These are some of the things you gave me these past two weeks. Jesus said, ‘For as much as you have done for the least of these, you have done unto me.’”

  Pastor Scott sat down. The service was over.

  “Did you know?” was the question people asked after church. No one had figured it out, except Brad. Even Brad did not guess until that very morning, even though he spent twenty minutes with his “homeless” pastor earlier that week.

  +++

  Frank was surprised when he opened his front door the next morning. There stood another homeless man. This one looked nothing like the first one, but was the same size.

  “Well, hello, Scott. It’s not like you to repeat things. What can I do for you today?”

  The homeless man repeated the words Pastor Scott had used two weeks before, and once again Frank and Cora fed and clothed him.

  +++

  “Amy, has he been to your place yet?” Brad asked, as soon as Amy answered her phone.

  “He was here yesterday, but I didn’t want to bother you because I knew you were busy working on your book.”

  “Well, what do you think?”

  “What do you mean, ‘What do I think?”’

  “Do you think it was Scott?”

  “Well, who else could it be? Anyway, you’re the expert. You tell me.”

  “Well, I just got back from taking him downtown. I bought him a new coat, boots, and gloves. I don’t think it’s Scott. I think this guy might really be a homeless guy.”

  “Wouldn’t that be too much of a coincidence, Brad?”

  “I don’t know. It’s just that I don’t think this one’s Scott.”

  “Well, you didn’t recognize Scott last week until we got to church.”

  “I didn’t even recognize him then. I just guessed that’s who he was.”

  +++

  “Brad.”

  “Yes, Amy.”

  “Allison just called. I think you’re wrong. She saw this week’s homeless guy come out of the church and go and knock on Barney’s door. It must be Scott.”

  “I don’t think so, Amy, but something tells me we’ll find out soon enough.”

  +++

  Everyone on Aylesford Place could hardly wait for Sunday morning to arrive. Everyone suspected that the homeless man’s identity would be revealed. When Sunday came, once again Pastor Scott called Frank and told him that he would be a little late for church. Frank was prepared for the call, and he and Cora left a few minutes early to greet everyone. For a while everything followed the pattern of the week before. No Pastor Scott, but the rest of the Armbrusters were in attendance just like they were the previous week.

  A few minutes later, the door leading to the fellowship hall opened and in walked the homeless man. Everyone eagerly offered him a seat, but just like “the homeless man” did the week before, this week’s homeless man took a seat next to Frank. Ten minutes after the service was to have begun the man stood up and bowed his head. After a couple of minutes, he took off his coat, stepped out into the aisle, and walked to the front of the church. Everyone looked at each other. No one had seen Pastor Scott repeat a sermon.

  The man turned and faced the congregation, but he did not speak. He stood there for a couple of minutes, and then the front door opened and in walked Pastor Scott. Pastor Scott walked to the front of the church, put his arm around the man, then turned and faced the congregation.

  “This is Lou. As you know, Lou visited you this week. I met Lou at the soup kitchen a couple of weeks ago. Lou’s homeless. For the last several days Lou’s been sleeping in a sleeping bag in the church fellowship hall. I asked Lou if he would help me with this week’s sermon. I asked him to visit each of you this week and told him what to say. I also instructed him on what he was to do before I arrived this morning. I didn’t need your help last week, but Lou does need our help. We’re going to help Lou get back on his feet. The church will be giving Lou everything you gave me the two weeks I was ‘homeless,’ as well as everything you gave him this week. If any of you know of any job openings, let me know. Once again, you were willing to help a brother in need, and you didn’t know if he was truly a brother in need. All of us are a brother or sister in need at some point, and we’re called to be like Jesus. Thank you for being like Jesus these last three weeks.”

  +++

  On Monday morning Harry sneaked into the bedroom and shut the door. He picked up his wallet, took out a piece of paper, opened it to read a number, and dialed the phone.

  “Hello,” said a voice on the other end.

  “This is Harry Conklin. You hooked up my computer before Christmas,” Harry whispered.

  “Yes, Mr. Conklin. I remember. Is anything wrong?”

  “No, sir. I just had a question.”

  “What’s your question, Mr. Conklin? I’ll see if I can answer it.”

  “I was wondering if it’s possible to have two e-mail addresses.”

  “It sure is. Do you remember where I showed you how to get your first e-mail address?”

  “Yes, I still have the paper where you wrote everything down.”

  “Well, you just do the same thing to get another one.”

  “Thanks a lot. Sorry to bother you.”

  “No bother at all, Mr. Conklin. I hope you and your wife are enjoying your computer and cell phones.”

  “We sure are. Thanks again. Goodbye.”

  Harry smiled. He had come up with an idea, and now he was ready to follow through with his plan, only there was no way he was going to tell Ethel. She would never let him do it. Harry had no idea that some people might take his harmless prank the wrong way. He took his paper and followed the instructions step by step. A few minutes later, not only was he the harryw@mailbox.com everyone knew about, but he was also handsome@mailbox.com. Finally, Harry was ready to play a prank on a neighbor.

  From an e
-mail Harry received the day before, he knew that Melanie was dababe@excitemail.com. “Dababe” was about to get an e-mail from “handsome.”

  “My Dear Miss Daniels,” the e-mail read. “I am a single man who will soon be relocating to your town. Someone gave me your name and e-mail address and told me that you were the best person to contact about buying a house. I’m interested in a spacious house, and money’s no object as long as I like the house. Since I’m a young, single man, I would prefer a place near some SWF’s, if you catch my drift. Looking forward to hearing from you. I hope we can do some business. Handsome.”

  Harry chuckled as he clicked on “send.” He could just see Melanie salivating as she read the e-mail. Not only could Harry see the commission check from a sold house dancing in Melanie’s head, but he figured that she might think she could land a husband in the process. No one would suspect Harry. After all, who would think Harry knew that “SWF” was “Single White Female?

  A couple of days before, Harry sent an e-mail to Moses and asked if he or she knew Pastor Scott. After sending the e-mail to Melanie, Harry decided to check his other e-mail account. He found that Moses had replied to his message. The reply read, “I don’t know about Pastor Scott, but I once knew someone who was past her prime. Moses.”

  Who in the world is Moses? Harry wondered. He decided to send an e-mail to Scott to find out, because this person was on Scott’s e-mail list. He even checked “Moses” on Google, but failed to find anyone with a connection to Aylesford Place or The Church On Aylesford Place.

  +++

  Amy’s phone rang. She picked it up and discovered it was Brad.

  “Do you know who Moses is?” Brad asked.

  “Wasn’t he that guy who parted the Red Sea?” Amy replied.

  “No, that was God. Moses just got the credit,” Brad replied. “Now, let’s try this again. Do you know who Moses is?”

  “I assume you mean the Moses of e-mail fame.”

  “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

  “No, I don’t have any idea who Moses is, but I did receive an e-mail from him or her.”

  “So did I.”

  “And what did yours say?” Amy asked.

  “It said, ‘If you need any ideas for your books, I have plenty of them.’ And what did yours say?”

  “It said, ‘Do you take blackmail photographs?’ So, who do you think is sending these messages?”

  “My first guess was our murderer across the street, since we don’t know who or what Norman has buried in his basement floor, but then I saw that it’s someone on Scott’s list, so I guess that rules out Norman, since I don’t think Scott has ever met him. He hasn’t, has he?”

  “Not as far as I know. I bet it’s someone just having fun with both of us. Do you think it might be Cora, or maybe Harry? Or do you think this might be another of Scott’s charades?”

  “I don’t know, but it sure is giving me some great ideas for a book.”

  +++

  By the time Sunday arrived, practically everyone in the church had gotten at least one e-mail from “Moses.” Of course, it could be that one of them was merely trying to avoid suspicion. At any rate, Scott refused to divulge the identity of anyone on his e-mail list, but he did seem to enjoy the fact that so many people had heard from “Moses.”

  They could not get any information out of the pastor, so the group huddled after church to share their clues with one another. None of the messages revealed much, except that “Moses” knew something about each person he or she e-mailed. With no solution at hand, the group turned to Plan B, trying to figure out what “Moses” meant.

  “Little Miss Smarty Pants over here said that Moses is the one who parted the Red Sea,” Brad said.

  “And Sherlock here said that God did it, but I doubt if God is into e-mail,” Amy said.

  “I’m not sure about that,” Brad countered. “Anyone who can part the Red Sea can surf the net.”

  The group groaned and then Harry broke in.

  “Well, Moses did lay down the law, so maybe it’s Cora.”

  “That’s right, Tightwad. I’ll be right over as soon as I can find my stone tablets. After all, Moses broke his first set. Your head should be a good test for mine.”

  After ten minutes of sleuthing, the group was no closer to a solution than when they began.

  “Have any of you gotten an e-mail from a guy named ‘handsome?’” Melanie asked.

  When no one said they had heard from “handsome,” Melanie said, “Good, maybe he does want to buy a house. It’s probably that he’s been too busy to get back to me.”

  Melanie’s comment gave Harry an idea. “Handsome” would e-mail “Moses” and if anyone let it slip that he or she had gotten an e-mail from “handsome,” Harry would have his man, or woman.

  Be My Valentine

  January slipped by via snowflakes, an ice storm, and a couple of rainy days. Brad took advantage of the weather and a large number of ideas for his book to spend more time writing than usual. Amy missed spending more time with Brad, but had plenty of time for mother-daughter chats with her other next-door neighbor, and spent time visiting with Allison. Twice during Brad’s busy time, Amy talked Allison into a picture-taking excursion throughout the neighborhood, or had it been Allison who suggested the idea? At any rate, the two young women had a great time.

  Harry hovered over the computer so much that Ethel phoned Cora and asked for a ride to The Printed Page. Ethel bought novels and a few crossword puzzle books. She was curious what kind of books her next-door neighbor had written. Ethel selected a couple of Brad’s books, and a couple of classics. Harry was so preoccupied with his computer that he failed to notice the money missing from the checking account. After receiving Rachel’s approval, Ethel gave her cell phone number to all of her neighbors, so they could get in touch with her.

  Another snowfall hit in late January, and the Armbruster family took a break from preparing sermons, fatherhood, motherhood, and home-school to engage in a family project of building a snowman. One time, when both parents went inside at the same time, Kenny neglected the snowman and manufactured some snowballs to throw at his sisters. After their parents returned, Kenny, engrossed in building the snowman, failed to notice his sisters sneaking up behind him. Jill reached inside his coat and shoved snow down the front of his shirt. Mallory wrapped her arms around her brother’s legs, then pushed snow down the back of his pants. When another snow fell the next night, Scott called everyone on the street and invited them to make a second snowman. Harry asked if there would be food. Nancy agreed to make a few hot snacks, as well as serve coffee and hot chocolate to combat the cold.

  Kenny shared his snowball story with Brad, who fired a snowball missile at Amy. Brad, like Kenny, soon learned that “he who goes last, gets even.” After Brad’s mind wandered to something else, Amy sneaked down the Armbrusters’ drive and rescued a coil of rope from inside the garage. Brad noticed nothing as Allison silently wheeled up behind him. With Amy’s help, Allison lassoed the rope around Brad, secured his arms and hands. Trying to get away, Brad tripped over Allison’s wheelchair and fell back into her lap. This gave Amy ample time “to do unto another,” and Allison did not mind that she caught a little of the snow intended for Brad. The three of them enjoyed a good laugh, but Brad vowed to find a male friend so he could even the odds.

  All the young folks enjoyed watching the old folks get involved. Harry slipped and fell down trying to get away from one of Cora’s snowballs, which gave Cora more time to hit a stationary target. Even Doc took off work. With the older folks involved, he felt he might have more of an opportunity to treat an injured person and have fun in the process. Once Amy and Allison had finished with Brad, they found props to use for the snowman’s facial features. Ethel and Bertha supplied a top hat and scarf, although Barney complained that nothing on the snowman was red. Harry pulled Kenny off to the side and told him what building a snowman was like when he was a boy. Kenny always enjoyed listening to Harry talk ab
out the old days, especially when Harry embellished his tales. Kenny dismissed the fact that most of the snowfalls in Harry’s day were of the three feet variety, as well as the fact that it was much tougher making a snowman then, because the temperature held steady at thirty below zero. Kenny wasn’t sure whether or not Harry put cardboard in the bottom of his shoes in order to keep warmer or did it to see that his shoes lasted longer. In Kenny’s mind, Harry saved the best part for last, as Harry told Kenny how he had pelted his sister with snowballs several times before she could escape to the house.

  +++

  While Brad managed to see Amy every day and ate a meal with her every now and then, more time spent on his book meant he had neglected her somewhat. When the first of the month came and Brad flipped his calendar to February and scanned the month’s events, an idea struck him. Quickly, Brad grabbed his coat, hurried out the door, and crossed the yard to the house next door. As Amy answered his knock, the smile on Brad’s face resembled a smirk.

  Amy looked at her boyfriend leaning against the door frame.

  “What’s gotten into you, Mr. Holmes? You look as if you just figured out where Professor Moriarity hid the Star of Delhi. Does that mean you know who Moses is?”

  “No, I’ve been so busy writing that I haven’t had time to do any sleuthing.”

  “Okay, so what’s up? I hate it when I’m in a group of two and I’m the one who doesn’t know what’s going on.”

  “How well I know. I came to ask you a question. How long have we known each other?”

  “Today is our two month anniversary of knowing each other. Does that mean you’ve got something planned?”