LIGHTS IN THE SHADOW

by Rana Demiriz

  But I knew I was going to feel better as soon as I sobered up. It was hot. I realized I still had the same clothes on me before we got here. Only the street lights were coming through the big windows. It was dark inside. I wriggled restlessly in the bed and checked the time by looking alarm clock I noticed standing at the bedside. It was almost 1 am. I slightly straightened up. I was feeling better now. My head wasn't aching anymore. Apparently, I had enough sleep.

  Rio was sitting on an armchair, right in front of the bed, next to the dressing table. I could tell by his silhouette that it was Rio. I couldn't see if he was sleeping or not because the street lights were directly reflected on the bed, thereby to me. But if he was awake, I was sure he could see me wake up. I got off the bed and stood by the window. This was closer to where Rio was sitting. I stood there for a while and listened to the cars' occasional noise passing by and our breathing. I focused on his breathing; it was slow and steady. He must have been sleeping. I carefully got closer to the window, trying not to wake him. I tried to see through the sheer curtain.

  “You're up...”

  His voice made me jump out of my skin. I turned to him. I could see his face better now. “I thought you were sleeping.”

  The light was reflected in his green eyes. “Me too.”

  I gulped. I was getting distracted. “Excuse me?”

  He acted as if he didn't notice my confusion. “I thought you were sleeping too.”

  I wavered for a moment. “I just woke up.”

  He got off his seat almost with a dancer's grace and came to me. When he walked beside the window, I could clearly see his face, thanks to the street lights. The lights were playing along his face, dancing and caressing him. Each ray of light was competing with each other to complement his features. On the other hand, I was feeling self-conscious compared to his beauty.

  I took a few involuntary steps to the back, which caused me to be surrounded by the darkness. He squinted. “What's wrong? Are you afraid of me?”

  I shook my head. “No. Why would I be afraid of you?”

  He turned his eyes away. “Maybe it's because of our little talk earlier-”

  “About killing?” I asked.

  He nodded. He was obviously in pain. “No, it's not about it.” I said.

  He took my hands. I looked at our hands and then his angelic face. I trusted him so much. I believed everything he said. I traveled to a different continent for him just to figure out what really happened. Suddenly, I thought about our little agreement. We didn't have to pretend up to this point. I wondered if we were ever going to need to pretend again. He squeezed my hands lightly and pulled me towards the light, to himself. I hesitated for a moment.

  “What's wrong?” he asked again.

  “I...” I couldn't admit it. I was afraid of myself and what I was about to say. I raised my hand up to his face and caressed his cheek. What was I doing? “You're so beautiful. Just like an angel. I'm certain now.”

  He was confused. “Of what?”

  “That you're truly The Master of the Light.”

  He smiled slightly. “Did you doubt me before?”

  I pulled my hand back from his face. He was still holding my other hand. “How could I believe you? Did you expect me just to trust you? Of course, I had my doubts.” I said. There was a long pause.

  “Are you afraid?” he asked. For the first time in a long time, I was not afraid. I gulped and slowly shook my head. “What changed your mind?”

  “Just... I learned how to fight my fears as long as I'm with you.” I answered.

  He grabbed my other hand and pulled me harder under the light. We were both standing in front of the window, looking at each other beneath the lights that shone through the darkness. “You're so beautiful,” he said.

  “No, I'm not. We both know that.”

  “I never lie, Mia. You're beautiful. So much,” I gulped. Something changed about the way he looked at me. “Is this why you've been hiding in the dark? Because you don't think you're beautiful?”

  I couldn't answer. Rather than dropping my head like a child, I turned my head towards the window and looked at the magnificent Toledo, which was hidden behind the sheer curtains. He held my chin and made me look at him. “You're still just a little girl.”

  Was that an insult? I pushed away his hands and gave him an angry look. I turned my head away from him. Just as I was leaving, he held me by the hands and pulled me closer to himself. He pulled me so hard that I almost bumped into him. I looked up and met his eyes. It was a really critical moment. Anything could happen now. Our bodies were so close. I tried to escape his arms, but he didn't let me. He grabbed my back and pressed my body tighter to his. I saw the determination in his eyes. Before I could understand what was happening, I felt the warmth of his lips. Being caught off guard, I froze. I should have resisted him. Every cell on my brain was protesting against this act. Just when I thought I could finally withstand the desire, I realized that my fingers were brushing through Rio's curls. What was I doing? Was I really...kissing...The Master of the Light?

  When I pushed him away a little bit, he loosened his grip. I completely freed myself in a few seconds. His eyes opened with surprise. He was carefully waiting for my reaction. I ignored the intensity of his eyes. I tried to gulp down the lump in my throat. He held my hands and tried to pull me closer again.

  “I...” I said, but couldn't keep talking. I was already getting out of the room with my bag and cardigan. I didn't turn to look back because if I did, I knew I would slow down. And If I slowed down, I would see him. I was afraid of what could happen next if I saw him. I passed by the reception desk, and it was still as crowded as the daytime, even though it was almost 2 am. I was trying to ignore the footsteps behind me. We were already driving off when Rio put his hands on the cab's windows. I pushed my luck and tried to speak with the driver in English. Fortunately, he understood me. “Could you drive me to somewhere with a beautiful view?”

  “Sure.” We stopped fifteen minutes later. I paid the driver, and when I got off the cab, I gasped at the sight of the breathtaking view. While I was crying sobbingly, Toledo was standing right before my eyes with all its grace.

  CHAPTER 15

  It was the middle of the night, and I was sitting on the grass across a fantastic view while freezing. Even though it was summer, the weather was still chilly during the night. As the sun was about to go up, I could almost see my breath coming out of my mouth in the air. But it didn't matter then. I was more concerned with the tears rolling down my face. My mind was still busy with what happened earlier, or rather hours ago. I lost track of time. Actually, when you think about it, it felt so right. Yet, there was something that makes me think that something was wrong. I didn't know what, but it was bothering me too much. I felt as if a part of me didn't want me to be happy.

  I wasn't sure how long I stayed there, but I winced when drops of water hit my face. At first, I didn't notice anything because my cheeks were already wet with tears, but when I raised my head, I realized that it was raining. A summer rain at night… Was it a sign? I smiled. Was I ready to leave? No. Maybe I could sit here a while longer and enjoy the last possible moment I had alone. I wasn't sleepy, and I had my jacket with me. It was keeping me warm enough. I shut my eyes and raised my head as if I surrendered.

  Few minutes later I realized I was almost soaking wet. My hair was stuck to my face, but it didn't bother me at all. I didn't even care about it. It was almost therapeutic to me. As the rain poured over me, I felt relaxed, and I wasn't cold, so it was okay.

  While I was watching a slightly foggy Toledo, I heard footsteps stepping on the wet grass. I winced. And then I heard a familiar voice... “Mia!”

  I didn't look back. I just couldn't because I knew who it was. The voice I have been hearing most over the past few days: Rio. I didn't look at him because I wasn't sure what to say. I'd never been in such an uncomfortable situation before. I couldn't foresee his reaction, so I just stood there. I decided
to go with the flow.

  The voice of the feet stepping on the wet grass intensified. The sky was brightening up, so I could clearly see his shadow. He crouched and leaned down to my ear. His warm breath was caressing my neck and my hair. He whispered softly: “Why did you leave?”

  I gulped. I tried two times before I could manage to talk. “How did you know I was here?” I replied with a question.

  “I know you better than you think.”

  I didn't answer. He sat beside me without looking at my face. He was watching Toledo. The dark clouds receded as the rain stopped. The sun was getting ready to shine on Toledo. There was already an orange line within the mountains.

  I gathered up my courage and looked at him. Only his amazing profile was visible. Even though he had a far-off look in his green eyes, his mind was still focused on me. He started to talk unexpectedly. He didn't sound as hurt as before. “What an amazing view, isn't it?”

  “Yes,” I could say.

  “Toledo is a beautiful city.”

  I nodded and decided to talk back. Maybe he was acting as if nothing happened. “Have you ever been to Toledo before?”

  He was still not looking at me. “Yeah, a couple of times.”

  I decided to stay on the subject. “You seem like you're really charmed by Toledo.”

  “Yes, Toledo is a magnificent city, but it's also quite mysterious. You can think you understand it better than anyone ever could, but it withdraws itself when you least expect it. Can you see those tall walls over there?”

  I nodded. “Yes, I can.”

  “The moment you think you understand this city, it puts up a wall like that to protect itself. Because it's Toledo: The city everybody desires.” He stopped talking for a while, and when I used the opportunity to turn to look at him, he turned his face to me, so for the first time tonight -or day- our eyes met. “Just like you.” He finished his sentence. I understood what he was trying to do. I dropped my head, but he kept staring at me. “Why are you putting up walls around yourself, Mia?”

  His direct approach caught me off guard. “I...”

  He kept pushing the matter further. “Why are you trying to stop me from reaching out to you? You're just making yourself miserable, trying to stop what is inevitable.”

  “I don't know Rio.”

  He raised his voice. “Let your walls go down. There is no danger.”

  I was confused. “But...”

  His eyes got darker. “Let me help you.”

  “I'm sorry.” I didn't know what to say. I didn't expect to have this kind of conversation. I was really upset.

  “I know what your problem is,” he said suddenly. He was starting to get on my nerves because he was insolent. Even so, I decided to listen before I say anything. “Your fears, your past... Your family is what has been holding you back. You still led your life according to your dead mother. Let it go, Mia! Don't let her ruin your life. Don't let her rule you.”

  I couldn't bear this any longer and turned to him. I didn't know what to do, so I listened to my instincts. It was the best. I gave him a round of applause. I could tell by looking at his face that he didn't expect such a response from me. “Congratulations, Rio Luz. You cracked the secrets of Mia. Now, you can be happy.” I didn't sound hysterical or calm. My voice came out angrily. Anger was good for you; it keeps your emotions alive.

  “Come on, Mia! Those are your mother's words. You're just afraid of making the same mistakes like her.”

  I turned my gaze to the orange horizon. I thought about what he said for a while, and when I turned to answer Rio, something in his eyes stopped me. He was in pain. His green eyes had never been so sorrowful. The pain in his eyes was deeper than when he told me everything in the city park. “You're afraid of repeating their mistakes... Just like me.”

  I didn't know what to say. I wasn't angry anymore. Now, I just felt sorry for both of us because we were alike at some level. We were both in pain, both worrying. We both held great responsibilities on our shoulders. He was responsible for the Light, and I wasn't even sure what I was responsible for.

  “What can I say?” I said. I got up. It was a bit hard for me because my legs were numb because I had been sitting on them for hours. He got up too. His look was so piercing that I was surprised it didn't penetrate into my soul. He was making me feel guilty.

  “Just tell me one thing,” he said.

  The intensity of his look increased, and I turned my face to Toledo. I looked away. “What is it?” I asked.

  Before answering, he held me by the chin and gently made me look at him. This was the first time he touched me today. “Tell me you love me... Because I do. I have loved you since the day I was born. This is my destiny. It's written in the prophecy. I love you, Mia. Is it so hard to understand?”

  I said nothing. I almost expected someone to come out and say it was all a camera prank. I didn't know he was in love with me. I truly hadn't realized it. I just thought he liked me. I didn't know he felt that we were meant to be together. How stupid and blind was I? And what's worse, I was also questioning my own talent. I was supposed to sense everything, but it failed me when I needed my talent most.

  I just kept staring at Rio. I was fidgeting again. The voice I could only just quite, started to scream in my head again. No matter how much I hate that voice, I couldn't get rid of it.

  “Mia, say something!” When I kept my silence, Rio drew back his hand from my chin. He was defeated. I saw the vulnerability of his eyes. He dropped his hands to his sides.

  “Rio, I'm...”

  He raised his hand to stop me. “Don't say it unless you mean it.”

  I said the only reasonable thing I could think of. “I'm sorry...”

  He looked away from me. “Me too.”

  And then he turned his back, but I didn't want him to leave. I grabbed his arm. “Where are you going?”

  He gently pushed away my hand; he was trying to be a gentleman. “I'll wait for you at the hotel, and then I'll take you somewhere.”

  I made a move to grab his arm again. “Rio, please stop it.”

  He stepped back. “I'm not doing anything. I'll just wait for you patiently. The prophecy will come true. The first phase of the prophecy is already happening. I was born to love you. They told me everything about you: The Divine Being... But I don't know what's bound to happen next.”

  This wasn't even about me. The moment I hear words like ‘The Divine Being’ or ‘Prophecy,’ I went back to being defensive.

  “Is our deal still on? The one in which we didn’t include my sisters. The deal which I need to act like your…” I regretted my words the moment I said it. But someone had to bring up this subject.

  He was struggling to keep his face blank. “The deal is on as long as you’re okay with it. Your sisters will have nothing to do with this like I said, but you need to be officially on my side in return. You’ve got to act like the Mistress of the Light.” He was so formal with me that it was hurtful. Just when I was about to say something, he said, “I’ll be at the hotel,” and walked away.

  I called his name, but he didn’t even turn back. I kept staring at him until he disappeared out of sight. I fell on my knees before I could do anything else. But I wasn’t crying this time. I was just slightly shaking with the shock. I searched for my bag with my hands. When I finally found it, I reached for my phone and dialed the familiar number. She picked up the phone after the first dial tone.

  “Mia? Is everything all right?” said Carmela’s sleepy voice. Of course! Now I remembered. She was in Europe too. It was still too early to call someone. I decided to lie.

  “I forgot the time difference; I’m so sorry.” My voice was still blank after our conversation with Rio, which made it easier to lie.

  “No problem, sweetie. Are you all right?”

  I hesitated for a moment. “I missed you, Carmela.”

  I was slowly recovering myself. I started to cry in silence because I didn’t want Carmela to find out somethin
g was wrong. “Mia? Are you crying? Sweetie, what happened? Did someone hurt you?”

  Of course, it was impossible to hide something from her. “Close enough,” I said, stuck between sobbing and laughing. I was hysterical.

  “Mia, calm down. What happened?” I lied even worse.

  “I failed my exam yesterday…”

  “You never fail your exams. Tell me the truth,”

  This time I made sure that my voice came out more determined in order to be more persuasive. “I’m telling the truth. I just got a bad mark.”

  I knew I she didn’t believe it, but she knew I would tell her everything when I felt ready. “All right then; if you say so. Don’t worry. You can study harder next year. Besides, it was your last exam anyway, so it’s okay.”

  “Thanks. I feel better already.”

  She changed the subject and asked what she was curious and suspicious about most. “How’s Rio?” she asked.

  Rio.Rio.Rio. Everybody was asking about him. I’ve had enough! “Nothing. We’re just sitting. I’m giving him a city tour.”

  “So, are you-” I interrupted her when I realized what she was about to ask.

  “I’ve got to go. I’m sorry.”

  “Mia-”

  “I’ll talk to you later. Take care.”

  I hung up. I got up, and after wandering around for a few minutes, I reached the main street. I hailed the first taxi I saw and told the driver to take me to the hotel. This time it took ages. Of course, there was morning traffic. Everybody was trying to get to their jobs. Most of the people I saw on the street were wearing comfortable clothes. My clothes were dry, but my hair was all messed up because of the humidity. I checked myself on the rear-view mirror. My eyes were swollen and had huge purple rings under them, and my eyeliner was slightly running. I looked exhausted. Even though I slept during our trip from Madrid, I was nearly up all night.

  When we finally reached the hotel, I paid the driver. I didn’t even remember how I get past the reception. I suddenly found myself in my room. I lightly knocked on the door because I didn’t have my keys with me. I hesitated for a little bit. After the sound of soft footsteps, the door opened, and Rio went back to packing his stuff without even looking at me. He must have had a shower. There was mist coming out of the bathroom, and his hair was damp.