LIGHTS IN THE SHADOW

by Rana Demiriz

  “All right,” I sighed. “And there are guards behind the doors, I assume?”

  “Yes, ma’am, do not worry. We are doing our best to keep you out of harm’s way.”

  “Thank you,” I said with an empty voice.

  “I found an outfit here which looks better than others,” Eva said, while she pointed at the ‘thing’ she was holding. This wasn’t an outfit. This was a pile of leather. I would never wear that. “Oh my god, what is that?” I said, stunned. Eva smiled widely.

  “This place is not like the Sanctuary of the Light, ma’am. That place is based on a dream, a fantasy where old traditions are still cherished. This is the real world.”

  “Wow, I’m impressed.” I really was. Satin, leather, and fur must’ve been the Darkness’s uniform.

  “Do you want me to help you dress?”

  I took a step back. “I won’t wear that, Eva. Not for the world!”

  She stepped forward to me. “But-”

  I shook my head furiously. “I said I wouldn’t wear it.”

  “My master will be dissatisfied,” she said, rising her voice a bit.

  “Your master can go to hell!” I said.

  “But this-”

  “Enough!” I yelled again. The door opened, and the blond guy from yesterday came in. “Is there a problem?” he asked.

  Eva said ‘no,’ and I said ‘yes’ at the same time.

  “Everything is all right, Simon. Get out,” said Eva. Simon didn’t even look at me. He just nodded and closed the door behind him. I turned to Eva.

  “Okey, you win. I’ll wear black, but there is no way that you can make me wear that.”

  Her expression didn’t change a bit, but I could see the tension building up on the corners of her mouth. “I’ll see if I can find anything else.”

  In about ten minutes, she found a black, skin-tight skirt, which was surprisingly knee-high, and a black shirt. If I wore those, I would probably look like a businesswoman, but it was still better than wearing leather, I thought. I grabbed the clothes out of her hand and went to the bathroom, fearing that she might change her mind any second. I didn’t want her to watch me dress.

  When I was done with dressing, I thought I would grimace in front of the mirror, but actually, I looked pretty beautiful and not like a businesswoman at all. It was a casual look yet it was quite elegant. I let my hair loose. Even though we had a little argument about why all of the shoes were leather, I couldn’t deny the comfort of my peep-toe booties. Despite the hot summer, the weather under the Hotel Sombrio was coherent with the body temperature.

  Eva was grinning in front of the mirror while looking at me. When she noticed that I was staring, she gathered herself together. “What? Doesn’t it fit me?” I asked.

  “No, no, on the contrary. You look very beautiful. My master will be pleased.”

  I sighed. “Thank you, but I’m not beautiful. I may be stylish but never beautiful.” Suddenly Rio’s words in our hotel room crossed my mind.

  “You took Athena’s words too seriously,” she said. I smiled bitterly. “Besides, you’re a very beautiful woman, ma’am. One doesn’t need to be a god or goddess to see that.”

  I took my eyes off my clothes and turned to her. “Eva, please stop calling me ‘ma’am’. I really don’t like it.”

  She shook her head. “I’m sorry, but my master has strict orders.” I raised one eyebrow. She continued. “You need to go; you’re being expected at the breakfast table.”

  I smiled once again. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “But my master ordered. You have to go to breakfast.”

  I crossed my arms on my chest. “I don’t have to do anything. I’m not his slave, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  Eva’s eyes were widened in surprise. This was the most confused she ever looked. “But, what am I going to say to my master?”

  I paced angrily around the room. “Go tell him exactly what I said.”

  “But…” I opened the door before she could even finish her sentence. She decided not to talk any further and leave the room. She wasn’t giving me any attitude. On the contrary, she was just respectful. She did exactly as I said. She was only the messenger after all.

  After she closed the door, I went to sit on the bed. I looked at my reflection in the dressing mirror. I ran my fingers through my hair. I was so desperate. I didn’t know what my role as a Divine Being was. I didn’t know how to carry out my duties. I didn’t know who I was going to choose or what to do. I was doomed. The more I tried to be the lion, the more I appeared as a kitten. I was like a fish struggling desperately to get back to the water.

  As the door opened once again, I jumped to my feet. Alejandro was walking towards me in hasty steps with Eva behind him. Simon, who was guarding the room, was watching us with a sacred look in his eyes. The truth was that I was also afraid. It was just like a movie scene, everything began to look slow-motion to me, and he got even scarier. He seemed like he could slap someone in the face. He stood right in front of me. His eyes were darkened.

  “What is your deal about not coming to breakfast? I came here to see if you have a rational explanation.” His voice was lower than usual. I guess he was trying to calm his nerves.

  I tried to control my voice. I needed to hide my fear. “What Eva told you is true. I’m not going to have breakfast with you.”

  His anger was apparent in his voice. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean…” Come on, Mia, think! “I don’t want to upset Athena or your other beloved goddesses, and I don’t want to be an eyesore to your gods, including you. You’re all used to seeing beautiful women.”

  He interrupted me. “What are you blabbering about?”

  “I didn’t finish my word.” I tried to give him a piercing look. “From the moment I was brought -sorry- kidnapped here, you have been ordering me around. ‘Come to breakfast,’ ‘Don’t care about Athena,’ ‘There are no other beds, sleep here,’ ‘Wear leather,’ ‘Wear black.’ You need me, okay? You need my powers, so stop ordering me around.”

  Now, I could see his eyes becoming darker. He took a deep breath. He was trying to calm down. Indeed he seemed calm. I noticed that he was angry just by looking at his eyes.

  He grabbed my wrist and pulled me to himself when I least expected it. I was risen on my tiptoes slightly, even though my boots were high heeled. His black eyes had me under their spell like they were enchanted. I wasn’t able to see anything but the dark depths of his eyes.

  “Listen to me carefully, young lady. You have to follow my rules as long as you’re here.”

  I said, ‘be strong’ to myself. “What if I don’t? Would you beat me or lock me in your dungeon? What would you do?”

  A muscle twitched on his jaw. “Follow my orders, Mia, or else…”

  “Or else what? Would you send me away? Or kill me? What?” I should have been afraid, but I wasn’t even a bit. He couldn’t do anything to me.

  “How about being the Mistress of Darkness, whether you like it or not.”

  I didn’t blush but got angrier. Still, the truths were on the tip of my tongue… “You can’t do that,” I said threateningly.

  Something shifted in his eyes. “Damn it, you’re right I can’t,” he whispered.

  I smiled unpleasantly. “Yes, I know.”

  There was a vein throbbing on his forehead. “You. Are. Not. Being. Helpful. At. All.” He said every word separately, like a sentence.

  “Or would it be bad for me? Should I really make things easier for you?” I sounded threatening again. He tightened his grip on my arm. When I looked behind over my shoulder, Simon was not around. He must have left the room. I saw Eva leaving the room, who had been watching us with frightened eyes. Should I be afraid? Was he going to beat me? Or did he really have a dungeon? Until now, he’d been overly polite to me. Was he going to keep it that way, or was I about to meet his cruel, evil, and dark face? It would make things easier for me. Maybe then I wouldn’t be this charmed
by him whenever I saw him.

  While I was waiting for his response, he was struggling with himself rather than me. His eyes were dancing through that thin line of being shadow grey or black. Actually, it was such a pretty picture that I could watch his struggle between colors for hours. I forgot my bitterness and anger and just focused on his eyes. I was trying not to reveal my true feelings through my face. It was hard to maintain the same angry expression while he was looking into my eyes like that.

  “Don’t do this, Mia,” he said through gritted teeth. I tried to keep my anger alive and tried to make him let go of my wrist. I made a move but I failed.

  “Don’t do what, Alejandro? Do you really expect me to stay calm and do my duty -whatever it is- while you and Rio are busy with making life a living hell for me?” My voice came out calmer even though I was furious. The angrier I got, the lower my voice was. Maybe that made me seem more threatening.

  “Mia, how can I be calm while your eyes are filled with anger and resent?” he said, but I ignored him.

  “To think that I would obey you, after being dragged from one place to another, before I could even make up my mind… Isn’t that selfish?” I yelled on purpose this time. His tone also came out a little higher.

  “Selfish?”

  “Yeah, you heard me right. The only thing that you care about is that damned war and yourselves. What about me? Am I going to be free after I use my powers? Are you going to use me and just toss me aside? Have you ever thought what this meant for me?”

  “Mia, how can you say that?” He was yelling near my ear. I should have been afraid, but still, I wasn’t. My courage may be temporary, like a passing wind, but it was blowing hard right now. I was living the last minutes and maybe the last seconds of my courage. Where I got this courage or the words were a mystery, but I knew one thing for sure; I was standing up to the Master of Darkness, in other words, the evil itself. And suddenly, it all made sense; the reason why Simon’s legs were trembling when Alejandro raised his voice a little bit, or why did Eva cross herself when I angered Alejandro with my words… Everything was clear now, I undermined him and forgot who he was, and here I was, standing before him, making him angrier. That made me feel better.

  “Don’t tell me that you were going to protect me after the war is over because both of us know that it’s not true.” Apparently, my thoughts about him being the embodiment of evil didn’t really affect my words. I was still yelling at him.

  “Do you really think that I would toss you aside like that? Only Rio can do such a thing, Mia, can’t you see? He just wanted you to go to war for him; nothing else. So if you even join him, he is just going to take advantage of you.”

  I pulled my wrist away one more. I wanted some distance between us and maybe that would prevent him from spitting in my face as he yelled. “How can I know if that’s not what you intend? You both want me for the same reasons. To win the war! And for what?

  “This is the war of Darkness and Light, Mia,” he said, interrupting my word.

  I told everything that crossed my mind bluntly. “No, this is not about Darkness or Light. This is nothing but a stupid pissing contest!”

  He jerked my wrist harshly. It was going to break this time. I was sure. After that, I heard the door closed. I guess we were completely alone now. “Do you really mean that?” he asked angrily. How could he be so attractive even with his eyes turned black with anger?

  The pain distracted me.“Let me go. You're hurting me!”

  “I asked you a question!”

  “Yeah, I meant what I said, okay? Are you happy now? This is all about your egos. You're both selfish.” He didn't say anything. Instead, he kept staring at me with eyes like two bottomless pits. My wrist still hurt. “Now, let my wrist go, or you'll break it!”

  He suddenly let it go like he woke up from a dream and just realized what he had been doing. But he didn't release his hold completely. He wrapped his hands around my waist in a swift motion and pulled me to himself. It felt like Deja Vu all over again. I lived this moment yesterday. Instead of explaining, he kissed me for the first time before I knew what was happening. His soft lips danced against mine passionately. I tried to remain calm, but I was too excited. I couldn't help it. He wasn't like Rio or anyone I knew before. Just when I was about to give in to the kiss, I saw an opportunity to pull myself back from the kiss and pushed him by the shoulders with full force.

  “What the hell do you think you're doing?” I asked, trying to catch my breath. I didn't want him to know how much he affected me or what he had just done to me.

  He had an unfamiliar look. The stars in his eyes were faded into something else which I couldn't tell what. He didn't seem surprised when he answered me.

  “I'm just satisfying my ego.”

  And then I realized the look in his eyes was anger, cruelty, and passion all wrapped into one. He leaned forward once again. I had a big dilemma. What was I going to do? I remembered what he said about Rio when I told him he would come for me: “... but not for you, but because of your power and your title.” Was it true? What about Rio's words, then? “Tell me you love me... because I do. I have loved you since the day I was born. This is my destiny. It's even written in the prophecy. I love you, Mia. Is it really so hard to understand?” He said while Toledo was under our feet. In response, Alejandro said: “Are you still going to protect him? His words are nothing but a great lie. It’s all because of your power, Mia. He doesn’t really love you,” My mind once again wandered back to the night on the hill. “Your fears, your past... your family is what has been holding you back. You still led your life according to your dead mother. Let it go, Mia! Don't let her ruin your life. Don't let her rule you,” Rio said that night but there was only one sentence that had been echoing in my mind over and over again. “You're just afraid of repeating their mistakes...”

  Was I really afraid?

  All of these thoughts ran through my mind in a couple of seconds but then my anger as I thought about Alejandro's words. “I'm just satisfying my ego.”

  Rage was building up inside me, especially after remembering what he said. Just when I was lost in my own thoughts, I felt his lips against mine once again. It was hard to resist him, but I still managed to break the kiss and pulled myself back. I lost my balance for a second but steadied myself when I saw the look on his face. “I'm just satisfying my ego.”

  I’ll satisfy your ego! A thick meaty sound echoed through the room as I slapped him in the face. I struck him that his face turned to the other side; his hair covered his eyes like black drapes. I didn't think my blow would be this effective. Things you could do with rage...

  My hand hurt, but he deserved it. He turned to me while still touching his face with one hand. Not to mention that he resented me for being rejected. How lucky.

  I didn't feel anything at that moment. My heart was pounding in my ears, pumping adrenaline all over my body. Darkness took over Alejandro's eyes once again. He was still touching his cheek, reddened by my blow.

  “What...did...you...do?” he hissed angrily.

  I was just starting to realize what I had just done. Come on, think, think! “I-I was...”

  He took his hand off his cheek. His rage was written all over his face. Think of something smart, I said to myself. The best thing I could think of was this: Comeback.

  “I'm just satisfying my ego...” I said.

  “You're unbearable,” he replied.

  Then everything went to shit. It happened so fast that my vision got blurred. He held me by the arm and pushed me onto the bed. I hit my head hard on one of the bedposts because I couldn't balance my weight. After that, I fell on the bed backward. I slowly straightened up. I tried to support myself on the bed sheet, but the more I tried to grab at it, the faster it slid down to the floor.

  “No one can hit me.”

  I raised my head towards the voice and saw him. He was breathing fire, still as angry as before.

  I carefully sat on the bed, still t
rying to straighten myself up. I was angry too, even though there was a throbbing pain behind my head.

  “No one can kiss me without permission,” I replied. He narrowed his eyes and charged at me. As I jumped to my feet, my head started to spin again, and the throbbing pain blurred my vision.

  He held me by the shoulders and pushed me once again. My back hit the soft bed. I started to scream off the top of my lungs because I knew what was next, so I just kept screaming.

  My screams suddenly got muffled because he covered my mouth and nose with his hand. His grip was so tight that I couldn't breathe. As I struggled to breathe, I could hear my heart fluttering desperately in my chest. He was different from who he was seconds ago. The man who kissed me shortly before was trying to kill me on the bed right now. He is going to choke me to death. Right here, right now I thought.

  “Good girl... It's best for you to... fear me...” he said calmly.

  He loosened his grip so I could breathe, but I started screaming because he was still on top of me. God, please stop him, I begged. My screams got louder, and he tightened his grip again.

  "Now, listen to me very carefully, Divine Being," he said, ignoring my struggle and silent cries for help. I was trying to keep him away from me as much as I could with my arms.

  “You’re going to follow my orders and live under my watch. And most importantly, you’re going to use your powers for me in the war.” I looked at him protestingly. “I don’t care if you don’t know what your power is. Find it out and use it! Do you understand?”

  I desperately nodded. He loosened his grip enough to let me breathe again.

  “You don’t deserve tolerance. From now on, you’re going to do exactly what I say and obey my orders. All of your freedoms are restricted. You no longer have any luxuries or a way to escape! You’re going to serve the Darkness whether you like it or not!”

  This time I couldn’t breathe past my fear. There was a tightness in my chest, so I started to scream again. He pressed his hand on my mouth again. “Fear me, Divine Being! Fear me!”

  I already feared him. It was the only thing I did for the past three minutes. He kept watching my struggle to breathe for a couple more seconds. He wouldn’t care if I choked to death because that was exactly what was about to happen.