Free as a Bird

by Gina McMurchy-Barber

  Down the way I heard cars honkin an police sirens an voices coming from dark places. An there was so many words everywhere — cept I couldn’t read em on account of me not bein so smart. I dint like the feelin bout that place an decided to find somewhere else. But jus when I stepped off the sidewalk a car came screechin up an made a awful honkin noise at me. Scared me awful so I jumped back on the sidewalk. That’s when the man in the yellow car yelled at me. “Hey, you idiot, watch where you’re going!”

  Idiot. Imbecile. Retard. Those was things I been called lotsa times. Gramma said they was jus words an couldn’t break my bones, but all the same it hurt every time somebody said em to me.

  After I walked round for a long time I got tired — yup, awful tired. That’s why I sure was glad when I found a liddle park with a bench to sit on.

  “Got a cigarette?” said a growly voice from the shadows hind me jus after I sat down. I dint have cigrettes an the voice scared me. “Hey, you — I said, got a cigarette? I’ll pay you a quarter.”

  The man stepped out from hind the tree. Even from far away I could see he was a dirty man. He came closer an jus looked at me for a long time. Then he walked away mumblin to hisself.

  I dint knowed that man a’tall, but I’d been round his kind my whole life. Yup, the kind of people whose eyes was like empty holes an shoulders bent so low they looked like they was carryin a awful heavy load. It was nothin but a whole lot of sadnesss that made em look like that.

  Even though I was jittery scared in that place, I was too tired to walk anymore. I put on some clean pants from my bag an then put my pack on the bench like a pillow. Layed my head down on it an could hear the clock inside goin tic tic tic — helped me pretend I was at home in my bed.

  Soon’s I closed my eyes I heard Shirley in my head. She said, “Poor, poor Ruby Jean. She’s sad cause Pops went away. No more Pops, no more Nan, an no more waffles. Poor, poor Ruby Jean.” I tried makin her stop, but she jus kept talkin inside me. That made me feel lonesome — an more scared, an awful cold.

  Nothin I could do bout feelin scared an lonesome. But I could do somethin bout bein cold. I sat up again an put on all my spare clothes — yup, put em all on till I bulged like a pillow. Dint knowed how I could still be shiverin — but I was. Yup, I jus shivered till every part of me hurt bad.

  After a while I layed down again an started wonderin. Yup, I wondered if sleepin in the cold an bein hungry an lonely was really better than bein sent back to Woodlands. I dint have the answer an soon I got too tired of thinkin so much. I musta slept for a long time cause the nex thing I knowed the sky was gettin light again.

  I sat up on the bench an watched a lady go by with a cup of somethin steamin hot an munchin on somethin.

  She pointed down the road. “Soup kitchen’s open. Better hurry — they’ve got eggs and muffins today.”

  Priddy soon other people was walkin toward that place she told me bout. I decided to follow em an see if I could get me some of em eggs an muffins too.

  When I got up I suddenly membered my bag. I looked round for it but I dint see it nowhere. I dunno how, but it was gone — yup, wasn’t on the bench, wasn’t under the bench, wasn’t no where round. I dint knowed how I lost it while I was sleepin, but I sure was awful sad bout it. Yup, no more pictures. No more tic tic tic from my clock or my priddy gold necklace from Gramma. I dint have nothin — nope, nothin cept the clothes I was wearin.

  I might’ve stayed there feelin sad, only I was thinkin more bout bein hungry. I left the park an my bench an followed the tired an dirty people. Followed em to a stone buildin with a big Jesus cross on top an a long line of people waitin outside a liddle door.

  “Gotta get in line if ya want to eat,” a man said to me. “Or were you expecting the waiter to bring it to you?”

  A bunch of em people laughed when the man said that. But I jus stayed there an watched. Yup, watched em people go through the door an then come out holdin a hot drink an somethin to eat.

  When the line started gettin shorter, I said to myself, “You bedder get in there, Ruby Jean.” When I went through the liddle door I saw two ladies wearin black scarves an black dresses.

  “So sorry, everyone, but we’re all out of eggs and muffins for today,” one of the ladies said. “Lots of hot coffee and tea, though.”

  Then nother lady asked me, “What would you like, dear?”

  I liked bein called dear, but it made me think of Nan.

  “How about coffee?” she asked. Nope, dint want that. “Tea?” I nodded. “Sugar?” I nodded again. “Milk?” I nodded one last time.

  The tea came oudda a big machine. No warmin the teapot first — nope, jus straight into the cup. That not the right way to make tea a’tall.

  “I’m giving you two cups, dear — you look like you need it.” When I was leavin that lady tole me, “God bless you.” She looked at me the way Gramma used to — that made my eyes get water in em an so’s I had a hard time seein my way out.

  That hot tea made me feel nearly happy an it warmed me inside too. After I finished I dint knowed what to do with myself so I jus started walkin. The streets was quiet — not so many cars an only the dirty poor people walkin bout. Then after a while the sun got high in the sky an there was more people an cars everywhere. Ladies wearin priddy clothes an high heals, an men with ties an briefcases started showin up everywhere.

  Dint take long fore my feet were tired an sore again. I couldn’t find nother bench to sit on an so’s I jus sat down on the cold, hard ground, in front of a buildin. I put my paper cups in front of me cause I was keepin em — yup, so’s I could get more tea later from that lady in the black scarf.

  A man went by when I was sittin there. But instead of walkin passed me like all the rest, he bent over my cup and throwed somethin inside. Made a clink sound. I looked in my cup an saw some money. I dint knowed why that man did that, but I took the money out an put em in my pocket. After a liddle while of watchin busy people goin this way an that, nother man walked passed an dropped money in my cup. Then a lady did it too. Priddy soon I had a lotta liddle money.

  I membered a time when Pops used some coins to get a candy bar oudda a machine. Maybe I could do that too — cept I dint knowed where to find a candy bar machine. That’s why I decided to walk round some more an see if I could find one.

  At first the only people I saw was the ones in a hurry to go places. Wondered how come I dint see none of em dirty soup kitchen ones. But then after a liddle while I started noticin them too. Yup, they was there … in narrow lanes between buildins or in dirty corners by garbage bins or sittin on benches at bus stops or in the parks. Funny how they was hard to see at first — guess I jus needed to look more careful to see em.

  One of em was a lady with a big cart — yup, a cart jus like the one me an Pops used at Spencer’s Grocery store. Only her cart wasn’t full of food. But she had things in that cart — lotsa things. I followed after her when she went down a narrow street an watched her lookin under garbage can lids. When she found somethin she’d put it in her cart. I followed her for a long time that mornin.

  “Whatcha want?” she yelled after a while. I couldn’t tell her cause I dint talk no more. “I ain’t got nothin for you — go away.” I followed some more cause I thought she was awful interestin. “Well? If ya got something to say, speak up.” Nope, I dint have nothin to say. “Look, don’t bug me, kid. I had a rough night. If you’ve got somethin to trade, let’s do business. Otherwise, take off.” Nope, dint have nothin to trade, nothin a’tall.

  When the lady pushed her cart toward a busy road I hadda idea she was somebody who knowed things an so I should jus follow her some more. Good thing too cause she was goin back to that soup kitchen. After she got in the line I did too.

  “Ya didn’t answer me back there,” cart lady said. “Ya got something to trade?” She looked down at my cup full of coins. “Say, I could use some cash. Ya wanna buy somethin off me?” She pulled back the plastic that was coverin her cart. I looked insid
e — she had clothes, an string, a pair of shoes, a glass jar with brown stuff, a blanket, some books an a pink heart-shaped box.

  I petted her green blanket. “Can’t have that — it’s my best one. But ya can have this other one instead.” She pulled out a blue blanket with rips an a big dirt spot. “I want five bucks for it.” I offered her my cup of money. “Doesn’t look like enough — did ya count it?” She was a dirty lady an she growled at me like a angry dog.

  When the line started movin I started thinkin bout the tea I was gunna get an if maybe they was given out some eggs an muffins again. “Okay, look, I’ll let ya have it for what’s in the cup.” I dint answer. “So is it a deal or not?” I held out my cup of money an poured it into her hands. Then she gave me the blanket an turned away. We dint talk no more after that. I hugged my new blanket as the people in front went in the door an then came out with somethin to eat an drink. I was gettin so excited bout havin somethin to eat I felt a liddle dizzy.

  When me an the cart lady got to the door she told me, “Stay here an watch my stuff — you owe me that much.” I dint knowed what I owed her, but I did what she said. Other people pushed passed me while I waited an waited. Finally, the cart lady came out. In her hand she had a cup of tea an a sandwich. Jus then my stomach let out a big growl an I knowed it needed a sandwich too. “Okay, I got it from here,” she said an pushed her cart away.

  Finally, it was my turn to go inside, but jus as I did I heard somebody say, “Sorry, but that’s it for sandwiches today.”

  When I walked up to the counter the same lady in black said, “I know — tea with milk and sugar. Right?” I nodded. “You make sure you come earlier next time so you can get something to eat.” I drank that tea awful fast. But it dint help me feel any better — nope, not a’tall.

  Jus outside the soup kitchen I nearly fell down on the sidewalk. So that’s why I sat down by the door an with my blanket pulled over me I closed my eyes. I decided I was jus gunna wait there … dint knowed for how long … but I was gunna be the first one to get somethin to eat nex time the door opened.

  I musta gone to sleep, cause the nex thing I knowed I was waken up to the sound of jinglin keys. For a minute I thought it was Millie come to unlock the big door to my room. I imagined her sayin, “Get up, Ruby Jean. And if you give me any trouble, I’ll call the Boys.” Then I opened my eyes an was awful glad it wasn’t Millie’s keys jinglin a’tall — nope, it was the nice lady in black.

  “Good to see you’re early this time. That means you’re going to get some supper.” I liked how the lady smiled at me, but it made me member how much I was missin Nan an Pops. “I just need to get things set up, dear. Won’t be long now.”

  Hind me there was some others gettin in line, even the lady with the cart came round the corner. When she saw me she pushed passed all the others an came up to me.

  “Ah, there ya are. Thanks for holdin my place.” Then she looked at the man standin hind me. “Well? Make room there, buster. Gotta get in line here with my friend. She was just savin my space while I was makin a trip to the little girl’s room.” She looked at me an winked. “That blanket’s a good one, eh?” I dint talk to her. But I was glad I had a blanket, specially cause it was gettin cold again with the sun gone away.

  Jus then I smelled somethin licious comin oudda the door. Soon as it opened a voice from inside said, “Okay, soups on — come on in.” I walked up to the counter where the lady in black held out a cup an a warm bundle. “That’s cream of tomato soup and beef in a bun. Enjoy it, dear.” She smiled at me awful nice, then started talkin to the cart lady hind me. “Hello, Mabel. How did you get at the front of the line so quickly? You didn’t bud in, did you?”

  “Now, Sister Irene, I haven’t done that for a long time. That’s my friend there. She saved me a space. Isn’t that right?”

  I dint answer her. Jus took my food an went outside so‘s I could eat.

  That night was cold — yup, awful cold. I wrapped myself in my new blanket an layed on the bench in the park. I liked it there best cause there was light shinin down on me. I felt a lot better too with the pain in my tummy gone away.

  I guess bein so tired I musta gone to sleep quick. I sure had lotsa dreams that night, but the one I member most was me standin in the shower at Woodlands, shakin from the cold water they was sprayin on me. Funny thing bout that dream was wakin up an findin raindrops splashin cross my face an makin my blanket all wet.

  “For crying out loud, girl! Don’t ya have sense to come in out of the rain?” I looked round to see who was talkin so cross at me. “Over here.” I turned an saw a hand wavin at me from under some stairs. “Well, get in here. I ain’t gonna hurt you.”

  I pulled my blanket round me tight an walked over to see who it was talkin like they knowed me. I dint wanna be standin in the rain all night, but I sure dint knowed if bein under stairs with a stranger was a good idea neither. I tried seein who was under there, but it was too dark.

  “It’s okay. It’s me, Mabel.” Mabel? I dint knowed no Mabel. “I’m the one that gotcha that blanket. See?” Then Mabel showed her face in the lamplight. “C’mon, hurry up. You’re making me get all wet.”

  I bent down an crawled in under the stairs. First thing I noticed was how quiet it was under them stairs — yup, couldn’t hardly hear the rain no more. But the best part was how warm an dry it was under there.

  “Pretty nice, eh? This is my special place — nobody’s allowed here except me and those I invite. So long as you remember that under the stairs of Pioneer Laundry belongs to Mabel you can sleep here for tonight — got it?” Mabel’s voice was growly. I nodded at her. “I’m figuring you ain’t been on the street very long. Nobody that’s been at this for a while is gonna sleep out on a park bench in the rain — unless, of course, they’re an idiot.” I got hot on my face but dint think she could see.

  Mabel pushed somethin at me. It was soft an dry. “Here, get that wet blanket off. You can put my parka on for tonight.”

  Soon’s I put her coat on I started to get warm — as warm as a slice of bread in a toaster. I rubbed my face in the fuzzy collar — it was soft as Gramma’s cat, Thomas.

  “You ain’t much for talkin, are ya, kid?” I dint answer. “Just as well. I’m tired — going back to sleep. See ya in the morning.”

  After that I curled up in a ball like Thomas the cat — that’s cause I had a new friend an a dry place to sleep.

  chapter 9

  After that night Mabel showed me lots bout lookin after myself. Like how ya gotta find lotsa places to sleep at night jus in case somebody else gets there first or the police make you move. She tole me I gotta find places to stash my stuff too — cept I dint have no stuff. An she helped me find a big cardboard box too.

  “Boxes are real nice to have now that it’s starting to get cold. You better find a place to hide it, though — bound to be somebody try and steal a good box like this.”

  So far I got two good places for sleepin — the toilet at Pigeon Park an hind the Bamboo Smoke Shop in Chinatown. But the place I like sleepin best is with Mabel under the stairs — when she lets me.

  “The homeless own this city at night,” Mabel told me. “It’s the only time nobody bothers us. We can sleep on the sidewalk or under bridges during a storm or even on the steps of the opera house when it’s minus weather. And I shouldn’t forget to mention garbage dumpsters — they can make a good place too when it’s cold. Only, don’t let yourself stay too long, like Loose Change Charlie. He didn’t wake up on time one morning and got dumped into a garbage truck — poor old guy got crushed to death. Even sadder was how nobody noticed he was missing till his broken old body came tumbling out at the city dump.”

  Nother thing Mabel showed me was how to get to the Hastings Street Drop-In on Cordova. “It’s okay in a real pinch,” she said. “But you don’t wanna go unless you absolutely have to … like when it’s freezing cold. Some people think we homeless will take anything, but even we got our limits.”


  Mabel started coughin an it got so bad I thought maybe she was gunna stop breathin. After lot more gaggin she finally spat out a big glob on the sidewalk.

  “Phew! Now that’s better. So anyway … what was I sayin? Oh, yeah — homeless shelters … got too many rules, that’s for sure. Besides that they’re dangerous — just about every time I stay in one I get robbed or get lice or some kind of disease. Fact, I got this bad chest cold last time I stayed at the mission. That’s nearly four months ago — can’t seem to shake it.” Then she started coughin some more.

  I usually went for somethin to eat at the church soup kitchen. But sometimes me an Mabel sat on the sidewalk an begged for money. When we did that we got to eat at McClucks or got a hot dog from Ernie’s On-the-Go. Mabel always kept the money we dint spend on dinner.

  “Let’s face it, kid, the only reason people give us so much is because I’m brilliant at looking pathetic. I’ve got just the right sad and hungry look that makes them feel bad. It’s only fair I should get to keep what’s left over — you know, for being so talented.”

  I dint understand all Mabel said bout bein brilliantly pathetic, an I dint care if she kept the money neither. That’s cause she was good to me — yup, she showed me lotsa things an she was my friend. An whenever I got money of my own she let me buy things off her — like my cushion an my Panasonic radio.

  “Best radio ever made,” Mabel told me.