Shattered Dreams

by Brenda Kennedy

  While they are gone, Brooke and a few other wives come over. We compare notes and talk about what we are going to do about the upcoming deployment. Some of the girls want to return home while their husbands are deployed and some want to stay on base and wait for them. The Army wives are a great support team and great friends. We all are going through the same things together, and it is good to have them to talk to.

  Later that night, Max and I lie in bed; the house seems empty now that his parents are gone.

  “Did you have a nice meeting with the ‘Army Wives’?” he asks, laughing.

  Not sure how he knew I had them over, I laugh, too. “How did you know I had our friends over?

  “One, I suspected you would want to talk to them about the deployment and two, the house smelled of Victoria’s Secret when I came home.”

  “They do like their body spray.” Smiling, I roll over on my side to get a better view of him. He is very handsome. Tall at about 6’0”, brown hair, deep-set blue eyes, high cheekbones, a chiseled jawline with a dimple in his chin. He is a provider, a protector, and a soldier.

  “I had them over to see what their thoughts were.”

  “About what?”

  “Well, depending on how long the deployment will be, some of them want to go back home and some want to stay here and wait it out.”

  “I see. What do you want to do?” he asks, without taking his eyes off mine.

  “This is our home, I don’t think it’s fair to take James from it. I am hoping it won’t be for long and you’ll be back very soon.”

  “You do have a great support team here,” he adds.

  “I do, and I am grateful for that. We have met some really wonderful people here.”

  “That, we have. I’ll know the details tomorrow and we can have everyone over on Thursday if you want.”

  “I think everyone will want to stay home with their own families the night before the deployment.”

  “I’m sure you’re right,” he says, smiling. “They are going to want to get their alone time in.” He scoots closer to me and kisses me sweetly.

  I moan and kiss him back.

  Max

  I kiss Emma; she has the softest lips. I haven’t made love to her since before James was born. I was looking forward to the six-week checkup so we could get clearance and I could finally make love to my wife. With me leaving on Friday, I have no idea when I’ll be able to make love to her again. I cup her face with one hand and stroke her earlobe with my thumb and index finger. I can feel her smile on her lips during our kiss. She also has very soft earlobes that I love to touch. I remember our first date; she wore these small gold, diamond-studded earrings that sparkled in the light. It kept drawing my attention to her small ears. After our date ended, I leaned in to kiss her on her cheek and I touched her earlobe with my thumb and index finger. I think I have been doing that every day since then.

  “I’m going to miss you,” she mumbles.

  “Oh, Em, you have no idea. I know you’re not supposed to wish time away, but I can’t wait for the next two years to be over. I plan on spending every minute of every day making you happy. Always and forever.”

  “You already do, forever and always.”

  It’s Thursday night, the night before we leave for our seven-month tour of duty in the Middle East. Seven months! James will be crawling and sitting up the next time I see him. The Army gave us the day off, and Emma and I spent the day in with James. We go through some pictures, and Emma gets me a keepsake box ready to take with me. She selects some of our favorite pictures, anniversary cards, a small bottle of Baby Magic baby lotion and a postcard from our honeymoon in the Florida Keys, Key West.

  “Why the Baby Magic baby lotion?” I ask.

  “I don’t want you to forget what James smells like.”

  And I swear my heart breaks. I can never forget what James smells like. He smells like Emma. I have that smell embedded in my brain.

  We pack my bags and order pizza and salads in for dinner.

  That night, Emma lets James sleep in our bed. She has been very adamant about James sleeping in his own bed from birth. She knew from the beginning that she wanted us to have our alone time, no matter how much she wanted to be near our son. I admire her and her will. I would have just slept with him. Some nights I’ll sleep with him in the rocker after his late-night feeding. I tell her I fell asleep, but the truth is, I just don’t want to be apart from him. Other than Emma, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

  “It won’t be so bad. They have internet over there and we are allowed to skype once a week for fifteen minutes,” I say, hoping to ease her anxiety.

  “That’ll be nice,” she says, as she draws the infinity symbol on the palm of my hands. “You’ll be able to see James become a toddler.”

  I feel a tear fall onto my arm. I want to ease her pain, but I can’t. I want to cry with her and tell her I can’t live without her for the seven months I’ll be gone, I want to tell her all those things, but I can’t. If I fall apart, she will, too. I’ll hold it together until I’m out of her sight tomorrow, then I’ll let go of the rage I feel at the Army for taking me away from my family. For taking me away from this time with James that I’ll never get back.

  “I’ll be able to see him crawl and sit up on camera. The seven months will fly by and then when I get back, we can look for a house in Florida.”

  “Do you really think it will go by that fast?” she asks, uncertain that I am telling the truth.

  “I do; it’ll be hard to be away from you and James, but the Skyping every week will definitely help,” I say because it’s the truth.

  “Do you know about phone calls and mail?”

  “No, but as soon as I can I’ll let you know.”

  “I’ll write you every single day,” she says.

  “You may not get anything else done.” I smile and kiss her.

  The next day we are to meet my platoon members and their spouses at the main office on base. This is where our departure begins. We are heading overseas for our seven-month tour of duty. I am wearing my Army fatigues and Emma is dressed in a red, white, and blue patriotic dress. James is also decked out in his Army camouflage onesie and sweatpants the troops bought him. I smile. “Proud to be an American?”

  “Of course, and I am also proud of my soldier husband who is risking his life for his fellow Americans.”

  “You make me sound like a hero.”

  She saunters over to me, “Because you are a hero.”

  I wrap my arms around her and lift her up off the ground. “I thought I was your husband?”

  “Oh, you are definitely my husband and you are also a hero.”

  “I’m not sure about that, but I do like the part where I’m your husband.”

  “Me, too,” she says, kissing me.

  Once we are parked outside the main office, other platoon members start to pull into the parking lot. We remain in the car. I am holding James, who is snuggled up on my chest. Emma is cuddled up with us resting her head on my chest near James. I just close my eyes and pray for time to stand still. I don’t want to leave and I especially don’t want to leave my family behind.

  “Emma?”

  “Mmm.”

  I pull back away from her so I can see her. “Look at me.” She raises her sad face and it breaks my heart. “I want you to keep your cell phone with you every night and make sure it’s charged. If you hear a noise outside or in the house, I want you to hit the panic button on the key remote. The alarm on the car will sound, and if there is an intruder, it may scare them off.” She nods in understanding. “Stay in at night and keep the doors locked at all times.” I watch as a tear slides down her pale cheek. “If you need anything, you call Sgt. Chad Majors. He’ll help you with whatever you need. I already programmed all the important numbers into your phone.

  “You did?”

  “I did it last night while you were sleeping.”

  “I don’t want you to go.”


  More tears continue to slide down her pale cheek. “Em, trust me, if I could get out of it, I would. I love you and James so much. When we return I’ll be the first one off that plane and I want you there waiting for me wearing this exact same dress.”

  She chuckles and wipes away the tears streaming down her cheeks. “This dress?”

  “Yes, this is how I am going to remember you and when I see you, I want it to be just like this. You are beautiful and stunning, and you are my dream come true. I will love you forever.”

  “I will love you, forever and always.”

  “Always and forever.” I kiss her and inhale her and James’ unique baby scent. I swear I am trying to burn this scent into my brain although it is already there. I look up and I see the bus pull into the parking lot. This is the moment I have been dreading. The guys in the platoon and I already decided it would be easier for us if our wives and kids stayed in their cars today for our departure. Emma reaches for the door handle and I stop her.

  “No, stay here. I want you to stay in the car.”

  “Max, I want to see you off.” She does not understand why I don’t want her to get out.

  “Em, trust me. It will be so much easier for me if you stay in the car. Please.”

  She nods and I can see her eyes well up with even more tears. My platoon starts getting out of their cars and I know it’s time. “Stay here and when the bus pulls off, you can move into the driver’s seat, but wait until I’m out of view.”

  “Ok, I love you and you be careful.” She tries to smile but fails miserably.

  “I will and you do what I said. I don’t want to be over there in some desert worrying about you and my son. If anything ever happened to you or him, I swear I would go crazy.”

  “Max, don’t worry about us, I have us taken care of, but please, be careful and worry about you.”

  I lean over and kiss her as sweetly as I can. I love her more than myself. I kiss James and hug him as gently as I can. “Take care of your mother, and tell me if she has any other guys in the house,” I say, looking at James and smiling.

  “Greyson, let’s go.” I look up and everyone is already on the bus. I look around the lot and the families of our platoon are crying in their cars. Even the small kids are crying in their car seats. I kiss James once more and hand him to Emma.

  “Don’t worry about me, I love you and I’ll be back. Stay here until I leave.”

  She nods. I lean over and kiss her one last time. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  I get out of the car and get my things out of the truck. I head to the bus and turn around to look at her one last time. I smile my all-American smile and yell, “I love you, always and forever.” Then I wave goodbye to her before climbing into the bus.

  Chapter Two: Proud to be an American

  Emma

  I watch Max climb into the bus. I cry, although I try hard not to. I don’t look around at the other Army wives and kids. I can’t stand to see their pain. I hold James; he doesn’t stir. The bus begins to pull out of the parking lot, and I cry into James’ soft blanket. I see Max poke his head out of the small bus window and I smile.

  I wave to him and he yells, “I’ll be back and I love you always and forever.”

  I don’t say anything, but continue to wave. The lump in my throat prevents me from speaking. Once the bus turns the corner and they are out of sight, the other wives and I get out of our cars and walk with our children to the open area in the parking lot. We hug each other and cry. We all waited for the bus to pull off, as the guys requested, before we got out of our vehicles. I know it is as hard on them as it is on us.

  I have never been so grateful that Brooke and I share a duplex on base. We agree to have playdates for the kids, movie nights, and potluck dinners with the other girls. We vow to stick together and make the best of the situation.

  I drive the short distance home. James and I walk into our already too lonely and too quiet duplex. I’m not sure what to do without Max being home. I want to write him, but I don’t have an address to send a letter to him yet. I just saw him, but I already miss him.

  The door next door shuts, and I know Brooke and the boys are home. I bathe and feed James before taking a hot bubble bath. The sound from the television in the bedroom fills the otherwise silent house with a welcome noise. I loathe television, but Max loves it. Of course, I watch Breaking Bad, and Game of Thrones, and I Love Lucy, and Entourage, and Mad Men, and The Office — actually, I love television.

  I let my hair dry naturally and slip into a pair of sweats and one of Max’s hoodies. I inhale; it smells of him. I pick up James and take him downstairs. I sit on the couch with James and decide to read to him. My phone chirps that I have a text. I am so excited to see that it’s from Brooke.

  Brooke: Can we come over?

  Emma: Yes, I’m lonely.

  Brooke: I have a movie and pizza; be right over.

  Emma: Yay, slumber party.

  Brooke: Yep, for the next seven months. Lol!

  “James, we’re going to have a slumber party. Do you want to see your friends?” I ask in a baby voice that I’m sure I’ll be using a lot. I stand and wait by the front door for Brooke and the boys. When I hear them outside, I open the door wide for them. Braden walks in first, carrying a pillow and a sleeping bag, and then Brooke walks in, carrying Briley.

  “Can you watch them, and I’ll get the pizza from the house?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  She lays a sleeping Briley on the couch, and I put James in his bassinet after I kiss him.

  Brooke walks back in with a large pizza, a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew, and some movies. I laugh and take the large pizza box to help her. Once she lays everything on the table, she looks at me and smiles.

  “I’ll be back, there’s more.”

  “Ok, I’ll get some plates from the kitchen and get Braden a piece of pizza.”

  Brooke leaves and I get the plates and cups from the kitchen. She returns, carrying a couple blankets and a pillow.

  “I bet you didn’t expect company tonight, did you?”

  “No, and I couldn’t be happier.”

  “Good, I figure you can expect us five nights a week, give or take,” Brooke says, laughing.

  I laugh, too.

  “Do you think the Army will frown if we knock out a wall and turn this duplex into one big house?” Brooke adds.

  “Oh, my God, that is an even better idea.” We both laugh.

  Brooke lays out a blanket in the middle of the floor and grabs the movie she placed on the end table.

  “What movie did you get?”

  “Bridesmaids. I haven’t seen it yet. Brice wouldn’t let me watch it when he was home. He hates chick flicks. So while he is gone, I plan to watch one chick flick a day.” She smiles.

  I have to smile at her humor. I know she is having a tough time with her husband being gone. “I haven’t seen it yet either, and I heard it’s hilarious.”

  Brooke sits Braden on the floor with his pizza and a sippy cup of milk. She also lays out a few easy-to-clean toys and soft plastic books for him to play with. She makes a smaller-sized bed further away and lays Briley down, kisses him, then covers him up. I put the movie in and sit on the couch with a blanket thrown over me.

  We eat the entire pizza and drink most of the Mountain Dew in the two-liter bottle. Once Braden is asleep, Brooke climbs up on the couch and cuddles under the blankets on the other end.

  We watch the movie and laugh so loud we wake the kids briefly. We laugh through the whole movie. Once the movie is over, Brooke and I clean up and I take James and head upstairs to bed.

  Brooke says, “If I knew that the movie was that raunchy, I would have made Brice watch it. He would have loved it, especially the food-poisoning scene.”

  “Max would have liked it, too, and Brooke, thank you. This is just what I needed.”

  “Me, too, tomorrow we’ll work on tearing this main wall out,” she
says, pointing to the large wall that divides her place and ours.

  “Sounds like a plan. Good night.”

  “Good night, Boo. I love you.”

  I look over my shoulder at her and she automatically laughs. “Sorry, that’s what I tell Brice every night.”

  “I love you, forever and always. That’s what I tell Max every night.” I turn and start to walk up the stairs.

  “Emma?”

  I stop and turn around and look at Brooke sitting up on the couch.

  “I just wanted to thank you for letting us stay the night. I’m afraid….”

  Brooke stops talking, and I know what she was going to say. “Brooke, me, too. I guess we’ll be afraid together. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Max and I agreed to not sleep with James. We didn’t want him to be dependent on sleeping with us, but I put James in bed with me tonight because I don’t want to sleep alone and because I want to feel close to Max. I wear Max’s sweatshirt to bed, because it smells just like him. I watch James sleep; he is beginning to look like Max lying there.

  I lean over and kiss James and tell him goodnight and I’ll love him forever and always. He smiles in his sleep and it makes me smile, too. Max would also smile. I know James is happily dreaming because he is smiling. He would be frowning if he had gas. I turn off the lamp, rest my cheek next to his small arm, and dream of the day that Max comes home and we are all three together again.

  James wakes up twice in the middle of the night for his feeding. He eats well and goes right back to sleep. It seems like that when Max was home the feedings took so much longer. Probably because Max would be so involved with changing diapers and burping James. I breastfed so I did the feedings most nights. Sometimes Max would want to feed him and we would have to use the milk I pumped earlier.

  I wake up at 7:00 am for the day. I sit up in bed and burp James. I hear the pitter-patter of small feet outside my bedroom door. When James is older, I will be hearing the pitter-patter of his little feet. A few rapidly passing years after that, I will be hearing the stomp-stomp of his big teenage feet. I left the door slightly cracked and Braden pokes his head in. I smile and say, “Good morning, Braden, want to come in and see James?”