Shattered Dreams

by Brenda Kennedy

  Braden walks in, carrying his small blanket and a bear in his other hand. I lift the covers so he knows it’s ok to get in bed with us. He tries to climb in our bed, but I have to help him. Once he is in bed with us, he smiles. “It’s wake-up time,” he says, looking out the window.

  I look out the window, too. “Yes, I guess it is. Is mommy awake?”

  “Mommy’s feeding bubby. Baby up?”

  I look down at James and he is looking around. “Yep, baby’s awake. You want to go down and see mommy?”

  “Yep, and bubby.”

  “Ok, lil guy, let’s go see mommy and bubby. Don’t forget your bear.”

  “Get baby,” he says, scooting down off the bed.

  “Be careful and I’ll get the baby.” We walk downstairs. Brooke is on the couch feeding Briley.

  “I’m sorry, Emma, I asked him not to wake you. I think he heard James.”

  “That’s all right, we were already up. Braden said it was wake-up time.” I smile.

  “He thinks whenever the sun is out, it’s wake-up time. Thank his dad for that,” she says, smiling.

  I kiss James before putting him in his swing. “Braden, are you hungry?”

  “No.”

  “Braden?” Brooke says sternly.

  “No, thank you.”

  “He doesn’t eat right away, Emma, but thank you.”

  “That’s all right, do you want to watch cartoons?”

  “Mommy, please?”

  I look at Brooke and she smiles. “For a little while, then you have to eat. On channel 36, SpongeBob should be on.”

  “Yay, ’pongeBob,” Braden says excitedly, clapping his hands.

  “SpongeBob it is for Braden, and coffee for me and Brooke.”

  “That sounds wonderful. Come on, fat man, I think you have had enough milk. I going to legally change your name to Milk Hog.” Brooke laughs, as she puts Briley down on the blankets that are still on the floor and spreads a few toys out for the boys to play with. She walks over and picks up James from his swing.

  “Good morning to you, too, Handsome,” she says, in a baby voice I am becoming all too familiar with.

  “Brooke, do you take cream and sugar?”

  “Yes, please.”

  When Brooke leaves to get ready for the day, I check my phone for messages from Max. Of course, there aren’t any yet. I look through my pictures on my phone and find some new ones that Max had taken the night before he left. They are selfies of himself making funny faces and acting like he is asleep and pictures of James. It brings a smile and a tear to my face. I am so happy to see them, but it reminds me of how much I love and miss him.

  I scroll through the videos on my phone, and I am shocked to see two new videos of Max. I play the first one and my nose begins to tingle. It was taped the night before he left and Max is in James’ nursery telling me how much he already misses me and how much he loves me. He tells me I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and how he will spend every day of his life making me happy and trying to be the man that I deserve. I cry and force myself to not feel sorry for myself. I miss Max, but he is the one who is giving up so much. He is my hero, although some soldiers hate it when people refer to them as heroes. Max says he has a job to do and it is no different from any other job. I disagree, but it doesn’t do any good. He is and will always be my hero.

  Brooke comes over for lunch, and while we are cleaning up she asks. “Emma, do you remember that day we went out to eat with the guys and they still had their Army fatigues on?”

  “The time when that older couple came up to Brice and Max.” I smile.

  “Yes, and they thanked Max and Brice for their freedom and told them they were heroes.”

  “What was that Max said to them?” I ask.

  “Using his southern accent, he said, ‘Thank you, ma’am. I’m just doing my job, I hope you both have a nice day.’”

  We both laugh loudly. “Max does have a sexy southern accent.”

  Later on that day, I watch the other video from Max. I was too emotionally upset to watch them both. The other video is to James. It’s Max reading him a bedtime story. My nose begins to tingle again and my eyes water. Max tells James how much he loves him and that he didn’t start living until he was born. He also adds that he loves James always and forever. I laugh and cry. Our saying is ‘forever and always’ but Max always messes it up. I hold my phone and lie on the bed and cry myself to sleep.

  Brooke

  The next month goes by in slow motion. I haven’t spoken to Brice yet, but we heard from the commander they are starting to get internet service at the platoon’s location. If it weren’t for Emma and James, I would have returned to my home state of Oklahoma. Emma is a great friend and mother. We are living the same hell, and although I hate it for her I am grateful for me. I am living a nightmare with a wonderful girl, who is trying to hold it together for herself, James, Max, and for us.

  The boys and I have been staying with her and James five nights a week. We eat fattening foods and watch outrageously funny movies. It is exactly what I need and what she needs. In the first couple of weeks, I would fold up the blankets we slept on and take them over to my half of the duplex, but now I just fold them up and tuck them inside the coat closet. No need to take them to my house since I would just be toting them back over to her house in a few hours.

  We have had potluck dinners with the other Army wives every Sunday. It has been working out, and Emma and I realize others share our loneliness and concerns. We make the best of what we have here and are grateful for our friendship. Max’s parents and my parents plan on visiting next month. This will help with the loneliness we both share. James is starting to smile and coo — this has helped Emma to be in a better, a happier place. He is a good baby, and she is an excellent mother.

  After I leave the doctor’s appointment with Braden, I text Emma.

  Brooke: Movie night?

  I already know the answer and head to the Red Box to grab another comedy.

  Emma: Heck yeah, wanna watch Hangover?

  Brooke: You read my mind. Ice cream?

  Emma: I just bought stuff for sundaes.

  Brooke: Perfect, be home soon.

  I grab the movie Hangover and also the sequel, Hangover Two. It may be a night for a double feature; if it isn’t, we’ll watch it tomorrow. Because I have the kids in the car with me, I go to a drive through and get some snacks for us and some juice for Braden.

  I get what I need from my house and head over to Emma’s. The kids and I just walk in and I yell, “Honey, I’m home.”

  “We’re in the kitchen.”

  I take off the kids’ coats and follow the aroma of food into the kitchen. James is sitting in his swing batting his hands at a rattle.

  “It smells delicious in here. What can I do to help?”

  “Thanks, can you chop the tomatoes?”

  “Sure.” I bend over and talk to James who looks up at me and smiles. I kiss him before washing my hands to chop the tomatoes for the tacos. “I’m going to get fat, hanging out with you,” I say, laughing.

  “Good, it’ll teach Max and Brice to leave us again.” Emma smiles.

  “Double hot fudge sundae for dessert?” I ask.

  “Of course, then the gym tomorrow morning?”

  “For sure.” We both laugh, knowing that going to the gym is not going to happen.

  “Do they still offer childcare?”

  “How would I know? I’ve never been there!” I laugh as I chop the tomatoes.

  Emma’s cell phone rings and she runs to answer it. She walks into the kitchen with a smile. I hear her say I am right here and she’ll tell me. I assume it’s from the other Army wives. Emma hangs up and squeals. I smile and wait for her to say something.

  “They’re gonna call! They’re gonna call in about an hour!” she says, smiling ear to ear.

  It dawns on me what she is saying. “What, tonight, they can call tonight?”

  “Skype, they have
internet, they can skype for 15 minutes each,” she squeals. Emma turns the meat off and covers it with the glass lid. She picks up James and smiles as she says, “Come on, lil man, daddy’s gonna call. We have to look all pretty for him.”

  “I’ll see you soon. Our prayers have been answered.” I walk with Emma and put the boys’ coats on them before leaving.

  Max

  I sit in front of the computer in a makeshift office/tent waiting for it to come to life. It’s hot, sandy, and miserable. I thank God every day that my son and wife are safe. I miss them and just thinking about them helps me to get through these miserable conditions. I have had one hour to prepare myself to see Emma and James. I sit in front of the computer monitor and try to calm my racing heart. We had a care package donated to us with some much-needed hygiene items. I washed the dirt from my face and hands with the baby wipes provided in the care package. When they announced the internet was up and running and Jamison and I would be first, I fell to the ground and thanked my God. Jamison came over to me and asked me what I was going to tell Emma. I know what he is asking and as much as I hate to lie, today I will lie and smile for the first time. I can’t tell Emma that fear and misery loom near. I can’t tell her about the close calls we have had. I can hear the bombing behind me and I pray it remains at a distance. I also pray that Emma will not be able to hear the sounds of the war that is nearby.

  The monitor comes to life; I can barely see the grainy image of Emma. I smile and wait for the monitors and microphone to work. When I hear a baby cry, I know it is my son. The image becomes clearer, and I can see Emma rocking James. She looks beautiful.

  She smiles at the monitor and put her fingertips to the screen. I lean forward and also touch the screen. I can’t feel her, but our fingertips are touching the same place on the screen.

  “Oh, Max.” She begins to cry.

  I get a lump in my throat and I cough it away. “Emma, you look beautiful. How are you and James doing?”

  She removes her fingers and turns James around so I can see his face. He looks around the room until his eyes land on the screen. “Look at daddy, James. Do you see him?” He coos and I get choked up.

  “Hey, James, daddy misses and loves you so much.” He coos again and I smile a genuine smile.

  “How are you?” Emma asks. “You look thin, are you eating?”

  “I am, don’t worry about me. How are you?”

  “Good, your parents are visiting next week, James weighs 11lbs and 6oz., and Brooke sleeps over with the boys five times a week.”

  I smile when I realize how fast she just said all that.

  “Our son weighs over 11 pounds? Wow, he is getting big.”

  “He smiles and coos all the time. Max, he is such a good baby.”

  “Of course he is and my parents are visiting?”

  “Yes, they called and wanted to visit. I think they miss the baby.”

  “Good, if you need anything that needs done, have dad do it while he is there. Get stocked up on groceries and have them watch James so you can get out of the house. Have lunch with your friends … wait, Brooke stays there with you and James with the boys five times a week? Should I be worried about Brooke spending so much time with my wife?” We both laugh when I realize how fast I am talking. “Sorry, fifteen minutes is going to go by quickly. I want to make sure I say everything to you while I can.”

  “I know. Me, too. It’s nice having them over; it is very therapeutic.”

  “I’m sorry, Em. I didn’t realize how hard this is on you … and James.”

  I hear more bombing in the distance and the computer screen flashes off and on. It takes a minute before the mic begins to work again.

  “Max, are you guys all right? We don’t have an address to send mail or care packages to you. When I ask, they just say they are working on it.”

  I am grateful she didn’t hear the bombing in the background. “I know, Em, That’s what they say when we ask, too. Maybe it’ll be this week or next.”

  “I hope so.” She bends over and reaches for something before coming back into view of the monitor. “I have all these I need to mail to you,” she smiles.

  I smile and reach into my pocket and also pull out a stack of letters for her. “I have these that I need to mail, too. We were advised today that they’ll be collecting mail tomorrow. First time since we got here. You and James will get all these all at once, I’m afraid.”

  “You wrote all those?”

  “One letter a day. I have missed you. Do you want to know what the good news is?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “In 22 months we’ll be moving back to Florida.”

  “That is great news, and it can’t come quick enough. I love and miss you so much.”

  I can hear more bombings and the computer shuts off. I wait for a few minutes before being instructed to take shelter.

  Emma

  I wait in front of the black computer screen for I have no idea how long. I hear a knock at the door before I hear Brooke and the boys downstairs. I’m not ready to admit my time seeing Max is over. I remain seated on the bed with James and begin to nurse him. I cry as I wait for the computer screen to come back to life.

  Brooke enters the bedroom with tear-stained eyes. She is carrying both boys and climbs into the bed with James and me.

  “I wasn’t finished talking to him,” I admit.

  “I know. I wasn’t either. The screen kept going blank then coming back on,” Brooke says, rocking Briley back and forth.

  “Max looked thin. Do you think they are all right?”

  “Emma, I don’t know. I guess we’ll know soon. Brice said they are collecting mail tomorrow. So, with luck, we’ll have mail next week. Hopefully, we’ll get an address to mail their letters to them soon.”

  “Mommy, tacos?”

  I put on a fake smile and look at the Brooke’s innocent hungry boy lying at the foot of my bed. “That sounds good; come on, I’m hungry too.”

  “Emma, you don’t have to. Stay here, we’ll stay at home tonight.”

  I smile at her, and close my computer. “We have tacos and a movie to watch. Let me burp the baby and I’ll help with the food.”

  The next week Max’s mom and dad return for a visit. I was going to pick them up at the airport, but they didn’t want me to drive that far alone with James. I am glad to see them when they pull into the driveway in a rental vehicle.

  They come into the house carrying bags and bags of groceries. I laugh because Max was worried about me being low on groceries and here they are stocking the house up with food. “Did Max tell you to bring food?” I say, laughing.

  “No, we haven’t heard from him, why?” his dad asks, shutting the trunk of the car.

  “Because when I talked to him last week, he wanted me to stock up on groceries while you were here.”

  "That’s our son,” Cheryl says, carrying the last few sacks into the kitchen.

  I hug them both and thank them. I walk over and pick James up from his Pack ’n Play; he has recently outgrown his bassinet. I hand him over to his grandma and he just looks at her. She smiles at him and she tears up. “He is getting so big and he looks more and more like Max,” she beams.

  Danny stands over her and nods in agreement. “He sure does.”

  “I think so, too, especially when he smiles,” I add.

  While they are here, we mostly stay in the house, although we go out to eat dinner a couple of times. I like to keep James home because it’s easier for me to watch him and I don’t want to expose him to all those germs, just yet. The doctor told me it’ll be good to expose him and it’ll help to build up his immune system. I’m still not ready for that.

  Max is scheduled to skype with us today so we have the computer set up on the dining room table waiting for him.

  Brooke’s family is also in town visiting. I haven’t seen much of her, but I know as soon as they leave we’ll fall back into our routine of eating fattening foods and watching funny chick
flicks.

  The monitor comes to life and Max’s grainy image appears. I smile as we all crowd in front of the small monitor. I hold James as I stand beside Max’s mother. Max’s father stands behind us. His father doesn’t smile and stands tall and serious. I wonder what is going on in his mind. Max’s image appears clearly, and he smiles. I automatically place my fingertips on the corner of the screen. Max does the same.

  I cry and try to look away before he sees me.

  “Em, don’t cry, we are one week closer to being together.”

  I wipe the tears away and make myself smile. “I know, I just miss you.” James coos and everyone laughs. “James misses you, too.”

  I hear a noise and the screen goes grainy again. We stand there patiently waiting for Max to appear.

  “Was it like this last week?” Danny asks.

  I don’t take my eyes off the screen. “What?” I ask.

  “The noises and then the interference. Was it like this last week?” Danny asks.

  “Yes, but not as bad.” The screen comes back to life and Max looks thinner than last week.

  “Sorry about that,” Max says. “We are out in the middle of nowhere,” he adds.

  I hold James out for him to see. “Hey, daddy’s little boy. He is getting so big, Em.”

  “And strong, I can barely hold him still,” I say, trying to keep James from moving.

  “How are you?” Danny asks.

  “Ok, I’ll be glad when it’s over,” Max says.

  “Do you need anything?”

  “No, we are getting a care package once a week and so far it has been enough. They are loaded with hygiene items and some other things; cards, socks and dental floss are the extras. I am very grateful to have them. They started collecting and sending out our mail last week. So far we haven’t received anything from home. The care packages are being donated from schools and churches from the U.S.”

  “We just got a mailing address and I mailed some letters, cards, and a care package from me and James,” I say.

  “Same with us, we just got the address a few days ago. Once you get everything, you should be all right,” Max’s mother adds.

  We hear another noise and the screen goes grainy again. We wait and his dad seems to tense up. “Emma, has Alec said that they are in active combat?”