Heat

by Lis Lucassen

  Dan

  “It wasn’t your fault.” Jason was next to him. They were waiting in the parking lot where the bus had left them this morning. “No, really, Dan. She slipped. How is that your fault?” Jason’s hand hovered over his arm. Quickly, he sidestepped Jason’s touch, and his brother dropped his arm to put his hand in his pants pocket.

  They waited for the bus to arrive in complete silence. After fifteen minutes, it turned into the lot and stopped right in front of them. The others weren’t there yet, and he liked it that way. He wanted to get on the bus as fast as possible and go back to his hotel room. The muscles in his upper arms were aching, telling him just how little strength he actually had left. Two years ago, he’d done push-ups all the time. He’d been shooting three-pointers without touching the rim. Now, he couldn’t even stop a girl from tumbling down a rock wall.

  Well, she hadn’t really fallen. Thank God.

  The doors opened and he followed Jason inside. Jason picked a seat halfway down the middle and Dan joined him there.

  “I liked today. You being here today, I mean,” Jason said, his voice sounding frail.

  Dan glanced at his brother as he stared out the window. Part of him had wanted to join this excursion because of Lynn. For some reason, she kept popping up in his head. For some reason he wanted to be near her. He wanted… more from her. She brought out feelings in him that he hadn’t felt for a long time. Part of him had also wanted to join Jason on this trip. When Lynn had told them they needed to wear protective clothing during the survival trip, he’d given in to the urge to finally be normal again. To be a part of something again.

  And it had been a total disaster.

  Because he was no longer normal.

  Dan closed his eyes and listened to the other people boarding the bus. The Germans were guffawing, Steve and the British girls were teasing each other. Lynn got on without saying anything. He refused to open his eyes – refused to even look at her.

  And yet, he couldn’t stop himself from peering through his eyelashes to check if she’d really gotten on. He was looking for a sign of pain in her expression, for a clue as to how bad her injury was. But she was just sitting there. Quietly.

  Once more he closed his eyes. Should he have done something different? Should he have just stayed in the hotel? No matter how much he racked his brains, he couldn’t figure it out. Maybe Jason was right. Maybe it was just dumb luck.

  But he knew like no other how dumb luck could destroy your life at a whim. How it could devour you and spit you back up. How it could change you so much that no one wanted to be your friend afterwards anymore. Not even your best friends at one time. Not even the girl you thought you loved. Not even your own family.

  “So maybe we could do some indoor climbing together again, once we’re back home? Or do something else?” Jason spoke carefully, softly.

  He swallowed the first answer that came to mind. It wasn’t fair to take out his frustration on Jason.

  “Maybe,” he conceded.

  Dan opened his eyes and studied Lynn. She looked nothing like Ella. She wasn’t blonde, she wasn’t full of herself, and she didn’t treat him like a piece of garbage stuck to the soles of her too-expensive shoes.

  Something about Lynn made him suspect there was more to her timid stance than met the eye. She triggered his curiosity and made him feel new things. No, actually, it was more than that – she made him feel like his old self. Did he like feeling this way?

  That question, too, was met with a hesitant ‘maybe’, although not out loud.

  15

  Lynn

  Lynn spent the entire trip back to the hotel in solitude. Dan had preferred the seat next to Jason. Steve was sitting next to Ellis, the two of them turned around in their seats to chat with the Germans sitting behind them. She caught snippets of the half-English, half-German conversation, but she couldn’t focus enough to join the discussion.

  Her shoulder felt stiff and when she furtively prodded the sore spot with her fingers, a stab of pain lanced through her arm. In all likelihood she’d be confronted with a giant bruise in the bathroom mirror that night. Sighing, she slowly closed her eyes.

  The first kiss had to be a remnant of a faraway dream. The second time she felt soft lips against her own, she was no longer sure. And the third and final kiss woke her up for real. Lynn kept her eyes closed and wished for her heart to stop fluttering like a bird.

  Dan.

  His brown eyes, observing her from underneath his cap. His lips, now covering hers. Soft like a feather. All of a sudden, she knew she wanted more. More of him. She trembled, like a guitar string touched by an experienced musician’s hand for the very first time.

  “Wake up, princess.”

  Lynn opened her eyes with a start. Steve was looking down at her, a satisfied smile playing around his mouth. The mouth he’d just used to kiss her.

  “Steve! Jesus! Stop being such an idiot!” Her voice shot up a full octave and she pushed against Steve’s chest to make him back off.

  “Yup. Nothing’s changed. You’re still a frog.” Ellis patted Steve on the shoulder before she got off the bus, Steve laughing as he followed her. Just before he got off too, he turned around and winked at Lynn.

  She awkwardly scrambled out of her chair and stepped into the narrow aisle, where she smacked into Dan even more clumsily. He extended his hands and forcefully pushed her back into the cramped space between the seats. Holding her wrists, he forced her to remain where she was. Not that she’d have been able to take one step forward or sideways. The window she’d rested her head against during her short nap was now pressing into her spine.

  Dan leaned in, the stubble on his cheek scraping lightly against her skin. Lynn’s breath hitched. Suddenly, the air was out of oxygen, and nothing remained but the crackling tension between them, his skin against hers.

  “If I kissed you, you’d have no breath left to say anything at all…”

  She flushed crimson as she realized Dan was absolutely right. Unspoken words of shock caught in the back of her throat and refused to come out to defend her honor. Slowly, he moved away, only letting go of her after there was at least three feet between them. Lynn leaned back against the window to support herself. When she finally remembered how to move her legs again, she staggered out of the bus only to find Dan long gone.

  When she got back to her room, Lynn switched on her cell phone. A voicemail left by her mom, asking her if she was still having a good time. A tinny female voice then informed her: “You have two saved messages. To listen to your saved messages, press four.”

  Without thinking, her finger tapped the ‘4’. For a few seconds, there was only silence, and then she heard Esmee’s voice.

  “Lynn, honey. Where you at? I’m having such a goooood time at the party! And you’re sitting at home all by your lonesome. I should probably feel sorry for you, but…” A laugh in the background and someone calling her name. “But I’m way too busy for that! Hang in there, sweetie.”

  The same metallic voice told her that the message had ended. “To listen to this message again, press one. To listen to your next saved message, press two.” And as usual, she pressed one, listening to Esmee as she laughed and danced and got on her bike to go home before she was hit by a drunk driver. The murderer behind the wheel who’d made sure she would never laugh or dance again.

  16

  Dan

  The first thing Dan did when he got back to the hotel room was duck into the bathroom and lock the door. He took a deep breath and gripped the edges of the washing basin with his hands. If he didn’t hold on to something, he’d collapse on the spot.

  “Dan? You all right in there?” Jason knocked on the door.

  “Yeah. I’m okay,” he managed to say. He hoped it sounded convincing enough, or that Jason would get the hint.

  Jason fumbling with the doorknob. “Dan?”

  “Fuck off, Jase!” He immediately regretted his outburst. “Sorry. I’m sorry. Nothing’s wrong. G
o join Mom and Dad downstairs, okay? I’ll be there soon.” For a moment, the room was silent, then he heard the door open and close again.

  Every fiber in his body screamed for release. What he wanted most of all was to tear off his clothes and stand under an ice-cold shower. The agonizing memory of his last time with Ella forced itself upon him, like a voyeur enjoying every second of his torment.

  He’d wanted to kiss Lynn. He’d wanted his hands to touch her everywhere. And at the same time, his actions had scared him to death. The way he’d trapped Lynn between the seats and the window.

  He could almost imagine tasting her – those full lips, slightly parting to let out a soft, startled sigh. The vivid, red color flushing her cheeks and spreading down to her neck, tracing a path underneath the fabric of her shirt. Tempting him, inviting him to follow.

  The idea of kissing her made his head spin. The idea of holding her close enough for her to touch him made him nauseous. He was stuck between two impossible possibilities and he couldn’t choose.

  But of course he could. It was only too easy when he thought back to that moment with Ella.

  Quickly, he opened the tap and cooled down his hands under the cold water, splashing a few handfuls onto his face. It stopped him from panicking completely.

  When he finally looked into the mirror, water was dripping down his face. Lynn didn’t know him, the way he’d been before. She didn’t know what he was hiding underneath his clothes. And she never would. Dan took a deep breath and slowly let the air escape his lungs again.

  Suddenly, his life no longer just revolved around the word ‘no’. ‘Maybe’ had become a very real option. And it was so much more than he’d ever dared dreaming of.

  One hour later he’d finally pulled himself together, enough to go down to the restaurant. His parents and Jason had already started on their desserts. He wasn’t very hungry, but just to appear normal he scooped some salad and strange-looking potatoes onto his plate before walking over to their table. He sat down. A quick scan of the room made it clear that Lynn wasn’t there. There was no sign of the other members of the animation team either.

  “Jason told us he had a great time.”

  Dan met his mom’s eyes. They surveyed him in eager anticipation. One potato tumbled over the edge of his plate, probably because he’d been prodding it with a fork. “Yeah.”

  “That’s great.”

  Another potato rolled past the pile of lettuce.

  “Yeah. Great,” he mumbled.

  “Daniel…”

  His head jerked up to look at his father. “Yes?”

  “You’re nineteen years old, goddammit. Maybe you should start acting like an adult.” His father cursing meant that another argument was about to erupt.

  “So what are we going to do tomorrow?” Jason piped up to diffuse the tension.

  “We’re going inland to explore the island for a few days.”

  Dan pushed his plate away. The idea of having to go on a family-style road trip and – surprisingly enough – of not seeing Lynn for the next couple days killed every last bit of his already weak appetite.

  The next morning, they picked up their breakfast boxes from reception. He’d hardly call it morning, the ungodly hour at which they boarded the bus to visit some touristic hotspot he’d seen a few times already. Years ago, when they’d come to this island almost every summer.

  Jason was sitting next to him, engrossed in his tablet. With trained fingers he catapulted another Angry Bird into the air.

  “Remember last time, Dan? When Jason…”

  “Yes, Mom,” he interrupted his mother. Of course he still remembered their last trip to the lake, when he and Jason had swum and peddled in canoes all day and he’d been in just his swimming trunks because the air inside the tent they’d rented reached the boiling point even before nine o’clock in the morning. “Don’t tell me this is a trip down Memory Lane?”

  His mother’s eyes filled with shock. She wasn’t quick enough to avert her eyes, and her face told him his suspicions had been spot-on. He proceeded to ignore his parents’ various attempt to recall the better times for the rest of the journey.

  This time, he wouldn’t take a dip in the lake wearing only his swimming trunks. This time, he wouldn’t flirt with a girl and get his first kiss as the sweet water lapped over his bare feet. He sagged down in his seat and closed his eyes.

  When would his parents leave the memories behind and face up to the fact that everything had changed? That the person they were looking for so desperately had simply vanished?

  17

  Lynn

  The next few days were marked by Dan’s absence. Much to her embarrassment, she’d asked Emmanuel to look up the Mertens family on his list of excursion participants. He’d been able to inform her that they were doing a three-day trip to touristic highlights in the east.

  Steve was his usual self. He didn’t mention the kiss, and she refused to bring it up. Maybe she was making too big a deal out of it. It hadn’t been a real kiss – just a few pecks on the lips. She’d been kissed before by a few guys. Esmee’s cast-offs, sent her way by her cousin. And of course, Tobias had kissed her. Because that’s what you do when you date someone – you kiss. But when Tobias had wanted to take things further, she’d broken up with him. Much to Esmee’s dismay, who thought sixteen was an excellent age for a girl to be deflowered.

  “Lynn, can we go swimming now?” Cherry’s question interrupted her ponderings. She caught herself neglecting the kids. She had to stop mulling things over. Dan was gone for three days and she had a job to do. That’s why she’d come here. Cherry was already wearing her floaties and she was pointing impatiently at the water.

  “No, honey, not there. It’s still too deep.” She rested her hand on the little girl’s red hair. “Come on, let’s go to the kiddie pool.”

  Now that her German playmates had gone home, Cherry was the only toddler in the hotel. Lynn had already announced that some new kids were arriving the day after tomorrow. “That’s only two more nights of waiting.” Until then Lynn would take care of Cherry personally, she’d promised. Steve was having a good time with the few teenagers that were still vacationing in the hotel. The umpteenth game of water polo had turned into a game of soccer when they’d taken the ball to the lawn – much to the dismay of a few elderly ladies who were sunbathing there in order to get their wrinkly skins even more tanned.

  “Let’s go.” Cherry slipped a tiny hand into hers and pulled Lynn along to the shallow pool in the shade. As the girl started to busy herself with the plastic buckets and spades, Lynn let her feet trace slow, wide circles in the water.

  If I kissed you now…

  Dan’s words haunted her feverish dreams. What would it be like if Dan kissed her? Lynn bit her lip. Why was she even considering that? The guy was one big enigma. Jekyll and Hyde – that’s what he’d said about himself. A split personality. Why? Why? Why?

  She shook her head resolutely. This wasn’t going anywhere. Daydreaming about a guy she didn’t understand. Was that any way for the new Lynn to behave? No! The new Lynn went straight for the target and didn’t allow herself to lose her head over some guy. She’d demand an explanation.

  She would claim that kiss she was promised.

  And more.

  Her own thoughts scared her, because she’d never felt this strongly about anyone before. Tobias had been sweet and kind. That had been all.

  Dan, on the other hand, was – unpredictable.

  Lynn focused on the water undulating around her feet. Cherry contentedly played with her watering can until it was time to go back to the hotel and reunite her with her parents. Steve and Ellis had already joined the Oakland family. Steve spotted her and pulled her into an embrace.

  “Hey babe. We’re going to the Interglod tonight. It’s Holland Night, lots of music from back home. Whaddya say?”

  Lynn wriggled out of his grasp. “Sounds tempting… not. Bye, Cherry, see you tomorrow!”

  Th
e little girl waved at her and was about to follow her parents when she suddenly turned around. “Lynn! I forgot my watering can! What if it’s gone tomorrow?”

  Despite her mother’s various pleas to come with them and board the elevator, Cherry refused to budge. Lynn exchanged a look of understanding with Cherry’s father and kneeled down in front of the girl. “Don’t worry. I’ll get your watering can and I’ll keep it safe until tomorrow. Now go with your mommy and daddy, sweetheart.”

  Cherry hesitated for a beat, then apparently decided that further dawdling would be useless. “You’re going to get it now?”

  “Yeah, of course.” Lynn patted the girl’s red hair. “I’ll go right away.”

  She waited until Cherry and her family had entered the elevator cabin before she turned around to go back to the paddling pool. Steve stopped her, putting a hand on her shoulder. Thankfully, it no longer felt stiff and painful.

  “You’re really going back for that thing?”

  “Yes, of course. I promised, didn’t I?”

  Steve shook his head with a sigh. “Whatever. You don’t really think the kid’s going to remember, right? Anyway, you tagging along to the Interglod or will I be stuck with just Marina again?”

  Lynn pulled a disgusted face. “No way. And watch the two of you suck face all night? I’ll pass.”

  The grin on Steve’s face didn’t leave much to the imagination. “Who says you’d be watching? You can join in. You do know how big those king-sized hotel beds are, right? Just saying…” His voice trailed off and he waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “If you want to share, that is. If not, I’ll happily cancel Marina.”

  “Thanks, but no thanks.” Lynn pulled away from his hand on her shoulder, trying not to think about where else that hand had been this summer. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to fetch a watering can.”

  From a distance, Lynn spotted the watering can on the edge of the baby pool. Dan was sitting next to it. Clearly he’d returned from his trip inland. Lynn halted and observed him. He was wearing his usual attire – a long-sleeved shirt. A gray one this time. He was sitting slightly hunched over as he stared at his feet dangling in the water.