Everything (ARC)

by Catherine Miller

  Eight

  Now

  As the girls’ review of the walking tour of Little Birchington had been less than favourable, Tabitha was hoping a bigger venture out would be better received. She was sure they’d be visiting Margate Sands as often as possible once she’d introduced them to the beach.

  Frank had given them a lift down this morning and he was setting up to go fishing with the help of Max. The idea was that Tabitha would get a bit of one-on-one time with each of the girls and they’d be able to spend some time with her father as well.

  ‘Would you like to head to the arcades or the art gallery?’ Tabitha asked Syd.

  Syd shrugged, clearly unimpressed. ‘The arcades, I suppose.’

  They were stood by Margate harbour, surrounded by significant landmarks: the Turner Contemporary, Margate Sands, the clock tower, Dreamland. They’d all been famous in one era or another, but Syd seemed to be too busy studying the pavement to pay any attention to the heritage around her.

  Heading to the long row of arcades in silence, Tabitha tried her best to take in the scent of the salty sea air and the view across the sands to take away from her nerves. A shiver passed through her as she recalled when she was last there with Andy. It had been a Sunday in October, with Lofty enjoying running on the sands. They’d stayed long enough to opt for a treat of fish and chips while watching the glorious sunset. If she closed her eyes, she was right back there in that moment. But then a seagull cawed, breaking the image in her head.

  None of the certainty of that relationship was here now. It was like being on a first date and not knowing what to say.

  ‘Do you know what you want to do when you leave school?’ It seemed like a safe question.

  ‘Wanna get rid of us already?’ Syd glanced at Tabitha. The first time she’d raised her gaze beyond her shoes since they’d got there.

  ‘No, of course not! I just want to get to know you better. I thought asking that would be a start.’ There were grabber machines buzzing into life as they entered the Flamingo arcade. Games were flashing their lights, enticing them to spend money. The space would be dark if it weren’t for all the neon signs brightening up the place.

  ‘I dunno.’ Syd shrugged and one of the penny machines got her attention, probably because of the electronic tune it was blasting out. It seemed that all the gaming sounds were in competition with each other, set to maximum volume. ‘Did you know what you wanted to do when you were young?’

  ‘Not really. I did a maths degree because I enjoyed it, but then I ended up going back to university to do my teacher training. I decided I wanted to work with people as well as numbers. I loved being a teacher.’ Tabitha got her purse out and switched pound coins for two-pences at the change machine, enjoying the satisfying whoosh of metal bouncing on metal as they spilled out. She filled two pots and gave one to Syd.

  ‘Why aren’t you still teaching?’ Syd asked as she circled the penny machines trying to find the one that was ready to drop its bounty.

  Tabitha was deluded if she thought that by getting to know Syd and Max, she wouldn’t have to open up to them. There were always going to be some questions that were more difficult to answer than others.

  ‘My circumstances changed. I decided I might be better suited to fostering. I’m training to teach yoga as well so those skills aren’t wasted.’

  It wasn’t untrue. She just neglected to mention that she’d lost her confidence and the fact that she no longer wanted to work with someone she’d previously thought of as a friend – but turned out to be anything but. Melissa had been a teaching assistant in another year, but hers was a face she no longer wanted to see. And even then it wasn’t just that. She could have moved to a different school. She could have continued her employment elsewhere, but losing Andy had broken certain aspects of her soul. It would have been a hard reality teaching other people’s children, knowing any hope of having her own was gone.

  She’d had to recapture hope in some other way. And here hope was cramming two-pence pieces into the slot machine.

  ‘Yoga’s cool. I wouldn’t wanna teach it though. I haven’t got a clue what I wanna do.’

  ‘There’s no rush. People often change their career at some point in their life anyway.’

  As the pair of them continued to push in coins, Tabitha tried to concentrate on what they were doing and nothing else. Not the decisions of the past or the people she once knew. Not her grief, or her constant guilt. The past was there for a reason. She’d drawn a very distinct line between then and now.

  After sinking more than a pound’s worth of coins, Tabitha was no closer to winning the silly purse that was laid on top of the bronze sea of coins that kept shifting the wrong way. Nor was she any closer to knowing more about Syd as an individual.

  * * *

  When the twins swapped over, Max opted to go and see the Turner Contemporary Art Gallery. It was nice that they’d gone for different things, but that lent little knowledge to their true personalities, other than they didn’t like to be the same.

  ‘Who’s the eldest then?’ Tabitha asked Max as they went up the concrete steps towards the entrance. She knew the answer from their file, but she wanted to open up a safe topic of conversation.

  ‘I am, of course. Twenty-seven minutes before Syd.’

  That was as deep as their conversation got. Once they were inside, Max stormed ahead of her, rushing through the art pieces on display, regarding them with varying levels of approval or disgust.

  When Tabitha caught up with Max, she was in the foyer laid on a beanbag. There was a double-height ceiling and there was always a sculpture of some sort there. This time it appeared to be a jellyfish designed to be appreciated from below.

  It was mainly children enjoying the arrangement of beanbags under the art exhibition. Years of yoga meant Tabitha didn’t have any fears about not being able to get back up again, so she joined Max. The tentacles of the jellyfish created a stained-glass effect, casting shards of pink and purple light all around. The effect was mesmerising.

  ‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it?’ Tabitha made another attempt at conversation.

  ‘Their sting can kill you. Not everything that’s beautiful is kind.’

  ‘How true. Hopefully this one isn’t venomous, though.’

  Max turned to look at Tabitha. ‘That’s how they get you.’

  Tabitha sensed they were talking about something beyond the art installation. ‘How who get you?’

  ‘Beautiful people. They act like their soul is pure and they lure you in before killing you with their sting.’

  Tabitha’s heart seemed to squeeze a bit harder for a few beats. It was such an insightful remark from someone so young, and so unfair for the twins to have had experience of it. And she knew exactly what Max meant, having had her share of that kind of experience: people turning out to not be what they said they were.

  ‘I’d never do that to you, you know.’ Tabitha meant it.

  ‘I’ve heard that kind of promise before.’ Max moved off her beanbag, putting an end to the conversation.

  Staring up at the pink and purple hues, Tabitha started noticing the blues and greens. Had those colours been there before? Had it changed or were they already there and she’d just not noticed?

  Why did life have to be like that? Changing and uncertain. At her age, it was perhaps to be expected, but it wasn’t fair for someone as young as Max to have as much of an understanding of it as she did.

  For the first time, Tabitha realised that not only did she need to get to know these girls, she also needed to work out how to fix their broken hearts. It would be a tough call when she hadn’t figured out how to mend her own.

  Nine

  Now

  Even though Margate had vaguely captured their interest, Syd and Max were still put out that to go there again involved walking one mile to the bus stop. Rather than venturing there under their own steam, they spent the next few days rattling around the Bunk-a-low and spending large portions o
f time hanging around in their new favourite field.

  Tabitha didn’t mind. It was quite a novelty having them about and it meant in small ways she was getting to learn more about them. Like how when you made Max a sandwich, she always took out the filling and ate that before the bread. And how Syd was quite the fan of a teenage soap opera and didn’t like to miss an episode.

  This afternoon they were once again in the field and Tabitha was popping in to see Lewis before taking Lofty for a walk.

  ‘Honestly, what are they up to?’ Tabitha had joined Lewis in his flat and they were enjoying a cup of tea from their vantage point.

  ‘Do we really want to know?’ Lewis grabbed a tin of biscuits for them to share. His hospitality was as good as his mum’s and he was similar to Sylvie in a lot of ways. It was endearing and only added to his attractive qualities. Tabitha wasn’t sure why in the time that she’d known him, he’d never had a girlfriend, why women weren’t lining up at his door. If she were younger and less damaged she’d certainly be keen to start that queue.

  ‘There’re quite a few things I’d like to know. I think I’m too far from youth to understand any of it. Maybe you’ll have more of an idea than me?’

  Lewis was over a decade younger than Tabitha and had only recently breached into his thirties. She had some hope that being born in a different decade might give him the edge.

  ‘What’s that then?’ Lewis dunked a digestive into his tea.

  ‘For starters, why are they complaining about being bored and then opting to hang around in a field?’

  It really was beyond Tabitha’s comprehension. It would be fair enough if they had absolutely nothing to do. Surely using one’s legs to walk wasn’t such a lost art.

  ‘It’s probably an authority thing. They are clearly two ladies who don’t like being told what to do. They’re rebelling.’

  Tabitha drank some tea and nodded. ‘They got brought back by the police the other day. They were trying to graffiti the bin round the corner of your garage. I’m just hoping it was a one-off.’

  ‘Really? That’s not what you need.’

  ‘I know. It’s made me more on edge. I know they’re old enough to be doing their own thing, but it’s made me feel like I need to keep an eye on them.’

  ‘I imagine trust has to be formed in these situations. It’ll be hard when they’ve put you on the back foot.’

  ‘I do feel like I’m waiting for the next thing to go wrong. It’s a shame they haven’t taken you up on the offer of getting a bit of work experience here.’

  Tabitha loved it at the garage. Often when she took Lofty for a walk and Lewis wasn’t busy, he’d invite her in for a cuppa. The smell of oil and workmanship was unmistakable and although she wasn’t into cars herself, she’d enjoyed carrying out some of the furniture upcycling for the Bunk-a-low here. Lewis had been very generous in letting her borrow the space.

  ‘They might be part of the new generation that are allergic to hard graft.’

  ‘I do hope not. They’ll need to work hard with their exams coming up next year.’

  Lewis shrugged. ‘Maybe physical graft isn’t their thing.’

  ‘The other thing I don’t get is how they don’t realise you can see them from up here.’

  ‘I guess they haven’t worked out that anyone lives up here. They probably think it’s storage for car parts or something.’

  Tabitha went over to the window to get a closer look, hiding herself from view of the girls in a pose Poirot would be proud of. From where she was standing, the girls weren’t up to much. They were sat on a bale of hay, kicking back their heels and plaiting pieces of plant life into Max’s hair. It looked like the perfect way to spend an afternoon when the sun was still shining brightly, she mused. Maybe now she actually got it. It wasn’t even close to being a rebellious act.

  Lewis came over and stood by Tabitha, his closeness bringing warmth with it. ‘They’re just killing time on their terms.’

  ‘I want to get to know them. I’m just not sure I know how.’ She needed to try and form a connection.

  ‘It’s not going to happen instantly. For now, all you need to be is their safe harbour.’

  That was a nice way to look at it. If nothing else, Tabitha was making sure they were fed and watered and looked after. ‘I know it’s a lot to ask, but do you mind keeping tabs on them? I’d like to know if they decide to go further afield on the days they’re hanging out here.’

  ‘Further than a field, you mean?’ Lewis laughed at his joke.

  Tabitha found it hard not to smile. ‘That’s exactly what I mean.’

  ‘I can check in on them from time to time and let you know if they’ve gone anywhere.’ Lewis popped open another tin that was full of dog biscuits and offered one to Lofty. It was no wonder the dog loved coming here. ‘It’s not exactly been the easiest start for you, has it?’

  Tabitha almost said something about how her life had never been easy, but she stopped herself from saying more. He knew she was a widow and that was enough heartache to offload on one person. He didn’t need to know about the regret she carried round with her. Instead she pulled a face and shrugged. It was safer that way.

  ‘Life seems to have a funny way of never being quite what I expected it to be.’

  Ten

  Before Then

  There was nothing Tabitha enjoyed more about her teaching job than a school trip. It was nice to be rid of the usual structure of lessons and be able to take the children’s learning into a different environment.

  For the thirty six-year-olds in her class, visiting a farm rather than sitting at a desk was causing optimal excitement. The fact that it was within walking distance from school was making it altogether more novel as they started to make their way there.

  The local farm had been taking part in the national open farms event and even though that was hosted on the Sunday, they were extending it to the Monday morning to allow the schoolchildren to attend.

  The students looked like ducklings as they wandered along the pavement in their pairs. Not for the first time, Tabitha’s biological clock reminded her it would like a duckling of its own. But for that, surely she needed a drake? She’d had one serious relationship in the past decade and that had put her off for the foreseeable. Still, she hadn’t entirely lost hope.

  She was still pondering that possibility when she saw him. When their eyes met she almost forgot who she was and what she was there for. It wasn’t the norm to be thinking about something and then for the perfect version of it to appear: tall and rugged with dirty-blond hair tousled in every direction, as if the wind was always deciding how his hair style would go.

  ‘Erm, I’m, I mean, we…’ Tabitha stumbled over her words and indicated to all the school children. ‘We’re here for the school visit.’

  ‘Of course. We thought they’d all want to help feed the lambs first. Come this way,’ he said.

  ‘Follow us, children,’ Tabitha found herself saying as she fell into step with the man she was pretty sure she’d dreamed up. ‘I’m Miss Allen,’ she said, attempting to concentrate on being a teacher.

  ‘I’m Mr Sanderson, but you can call me Andy. What’s your name when you’re not Miss Allen?’

  ‘Yeah, what is your real name, Miss Allen?’ asked Jonny, the eldest kid in her class and by far the most inquisitive.

  ‘It’s Miss Allen,’ Tabitha said, knowing that she’d never hear the end of it if this particular child got a hold of that fact.

  ‘Well, Miss Allen, it’s nice to meet you.’ Andy offered his hand to shake.

  Tabitha wanted to say something more, but she’d temporarily stopped breathing as she held the roughness of his skin, holding his gaze as she did.

  ‘And we’ll have to talk another time so you can let me know,’ Andy said with a wink. ‘Now come on, kids, who wants to help feed these hungry lambs?’

  The kids cheered and Tabitha felt herself glow with the words directed her way.

  As the staff from
both the farm and the school herded the children and the lambs, she kept glancing his way. Every time she did she was met with a broad grin and she had no control over the coy smile she kept returning. While he delivered bleating lambs from their pen for the children to feed, and she made sure each of the children seated on hay bales held the large milk bottles correctly, there was an undeniable spark in the air.

  If love at first sight was a thing, she was certain this was it. And as she spent the next few hours trying to concentrate on the children in her care, she knew she had to act on it. By the time they were set to leave, she’d managed to write her name and number on a scrap of paper and just had to find an opportunity to pass it to him. That’s if she was brave enough.

  She didn’t need to be in the end. As they gathered the school children for their walk back, Andy beat her to it.

  ‘I can’t not know your first name. This way you can let me know without little ears overhearing.’

  Receiving his phone number before she’d delivered hers emboldened Tabitha. ‘I’ll make sure I let you know. Although it might have to be in person, to make sure no one’s listening in,’ she said in a whisper.

  ‘I’ll look forward to it.’

  Following her parade of ducklings back to the school, Tabitha glanced behind her and knew that the feeling she felt inside was the start of something big. It might have been a small note she was holding in her pocket, but a lifetime of possibilities were warming up her hand.

  Eleven

  Now

  No amount of time would make losing Andy any easier. Tabitha had hoped that entering this next phase of life would mean moving on, fading her heartbreak, but the unsettling echoes from the past still lay in wait to haunt her.

  She wasn’t even sure what she was worried about. Telling Syd and Max that she was a widow should be easy. It was one sentence that needed to be spoken. And yet it was abundantly more complicated than that. It would mean opening up about the past and that meant opening up a floodgate of memories she wanted to forget.