Everything (ARC)

by Catherine Miller

  After saying goodbye to Lewis, Tabitha looped round the back of the neighbouring properties with the dog scampering along beside her. It was her favourite shorter route for Lofty. The hedgerows were low and quiet at this time of year and the brambles were beginning to bloom. There’d be plenty of opportunities to forage for blackberries and elderflower in the near future. She wondered if gathering berries to make jam would be something that Max and Syd would want to do. The idyllic scenes that played in her head were often far away from reality, and she wasn’t even sure they’d hang around long enough for her to find out.

  Lofty nuzzled deep into a hedge, his ears pricking up as he sniffed out some form of wildlife.

  ‘Lofty, walk-on,’ Tabitha instructed, knowing that this was one command she’d no doubt have to say again before he would pay any attention. Repeating herself, Lofty listened the second time, channelling his energy into sniffing all the way round the back of Sylvie’s garden.

  Tabitha would be glad when she’d managed to get the extensive land – it was a back garden plus some – surrounding her property sorted. When she’d arrived in the village, renovating the barn had been the main priority and only a small section of the garden had been manicured. It was essentially a show-home patch: a demonstration of what the rest could look like eventually.

  The rest was a jungle of wild hedgerows, overgrown patches of bramble, and no footprint of a garden underneath. It was a wild field she was eager to tame.

  She intended to crack on with it as she settled into becoming a foster carer. It would take some work, but once the girls were at school she’d have some time and hopefully by summer it would start to look more like she imagined. She was considering using the space to host some outdoor exercise classes. Yoga had become her solace in the years since Andy had gone. Whenever a low ebb hit, it was the one thing she was able to bring herself to do. This would be a perfect space to bring its healing powers to other people. There was certainly enough room. For now though, caring for the girls needed to be her priority, even if she didn’t feel like she was doing a particularly good job of it.

  Ahead of her, Lofty nudged open the broken back gate. He had the potential to be quite clever when he wasn’t trying to trip her over.

  From her pocket, Tabitha’s phone rang. Before checking the screen, she assumed it would be Lewis. The girls were bound to have got bored and moved on, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to hear that they were in trouble again.

  It wasn’t Lewis’s number, though. It was one where the news might be slightly more terrifying than the prospect of the kids having moved on… It was Julie, their social worker.

  Tabitha stared at the screen for a moment. It wasn’t that Julie scared her, rather it gave her a sense of having not completed her homework. She was going to be in trouble with the teacher. Julie was going to suss out that she wasn’t capable of fostering, and take the girls away from her – if they hadn’t already made sure of that themselves.

  ‘Hello. Is everything okay?’ Tabitha answered quietly, expecting bad news.

  ‘Hi, Tabitha. How are things going?’

  ‘As well as can be expected, I guess.’

  Tabitha had no benchmarks to compare with. Max and Syd were fed, they were sleeping well and the police had only turned up once. It seemed like a reasonable start.

  ‘That’s great. Would you be happy for me to pop round later in the week to check in on all of you?’

  ‘Of course. When were you thinking of?’ Relief flushed through Tabitha. It was a simple check. Nothing more worrying.

  ‘Is Thursday morning any good?’

  ‘Yes, say nine o’clock?’ Tabitha smiled at her quick thinking. They might have been a pair of teenagers who she didn’t have tabs on, but there was one thing for certain… They’d still be in bed at that time of the morning. It was one way of guaranteeing they’d be at home and not out gallivanting.

  ‘That’s perfect,’ Julie replied. ‘And to be honest with you, as well as checking up on Max and Syd, I also wanted to talk to you about another potential placement.’

  ‘Wow. Really?’ The shock of caring for the twins hadn’t really caught up with her yet, so this development was enough to stun her.

  ‘It’s only a possibility at the moment, but I do think you have the perfect set-up if the placement is needed. I don’t want to say too much about it on the phone, but if you’re open to the idea of another foster child we can talk about it on Thursday. How does that sound?’

  It sounded overwhelming. Unfounded. Impossible.

  But then again, wasn’t that why she had renovated the barn? The Bunk-a-low was intended to home multiple children. If she was able to manage two, why not three?

  ‘What age are we talking about?’ The field escapades would soon evolve into full-on raves if the number of teenagers continued to multiply. And the last bedroom was only a box room.

  ‘It’s a newborn. It’s a complicated case, but I can fill you in more when I see you.’

  ‘Really? Okay, we’ll talk on Thursday then.’

  It was a lot to take in. Tabitha wasn’t sure she was coping so far, but the social worker clearly held her in high enough regard. The idea of younger kids was what had appealed to her in the first place. In the absence of being able to have children with Andy, like they’d planned, this was her way of meeting a desire that had been left unfulfilled.

  And if that nugget of news wasn’t shocking enough, the appearance of Max and Syd at the time they were supposed to return for dinner practically took her breath away.

  Maybe if things continued to go well, it wouldn’t be impossible to take on another child.

  A newborn baby.

  A life she really would be able to help mould.

  Unconditional Love

  These are the occasions you don’t expect, like when you unintentionally notice your favourite constellation in the night sky. They are often found in places you might not be looking for them. The dog that drapes itself across you whenever you sit down. The lovingly restored building that has raised you up when you were down. The thought of loving a child that isn’t your own.

  These are loves that will be there for you no matter what. They do not care what you look like in the middle of the night. They will not question you when you question yourself. They are as continuous as the beating of your heart.

  You just have to remember that they are there. Waiting.

  Twelve

  Now

  There were no hitches over the days that followed, despite Tabitha carrying an expectancy that something was bound to go wrong. Perhaps that was what it was to be a parent… The constant sense of being on alert.

  Ever since their trip to the seaside, the girls had either been hanging round watching TV or making their excuses and escaping to the field. It wasn’t exactly what Tabitha wanted them to be doing, but at least the police hadn’t dragged them back home again. In the grand scheme of things, she wasn’t about to tell them off for field loitering. She would take more of a stance if it continued when they should be at school, but they weren’t starting until Monday so she’d save worrying about it until then.

  Instead, she was concentrating on taking a batch of shortbread biscuits out of the oven without burning herself. She hadn’t slept well knowing the social worker was due to visit that morning, but she’d decided to use her insomnia to her advantage. Surely homemade biscuits spelt ‘woman-in-charge’ like nothing else could? Still, they were hardly a breakfast food of choice, and she wouldn’t be offering any to the twins until they had some proper fuel in their bellies.

  Without even knowing that much about the possible new placement, she was aware that deep down she wanted it to happen. It would complete an unfulfilled wish. The one she’d never had granted when her husband was alive.

  Of course, she was already fulfilling that wish to an extent with Syd and Max. But it didn’t hurt to admit to herself that she also wanted to provide a home for some younger children. When Andy had died, t
he possibility of raising a child had seemed to be wiped away with him. Fostering was her way of having children on her terms.

  The shortbread was the perfect shade of golden as she lifted it from the baking paper and placed it on a rack to cool. The air was infused with the smell of baking and Tabitha inhaled the sweet, buttery scent that was enough to make her salivate. The large round biscuit would cut into pieces easily with the fork imprints she’d pressed prior to baking, but she would leave slicing it until the social worker arrived. That way she wouldn’t be tempted to eat several pieces before anyone else had the chance.

  She filled Lofty’s bowl with dry dog biscuits, and refreshed his water. Laying the table for breakfast, she got out the cereals. She made herself toast with generous amounts of butter and planned to fill the toast rack once the girls were awake. Filling the kettle, she made herself another brew.

  When she was done with all her chores, she moved on to fussing in order to whittle away the time. She straightened the wedding picture that she treasured and ruffled the cushions that were already straight. She watered plants that would have survived had she not managed it today. She dusted surfaces that weren’t anywhere close to being dusty.

  In the end, Julie was running late. Something about an urgent matter that she had to deal with before heading over for her visit.

  ‘What can I smell?’ Max asked as she emerged from her room.

  Typical that today was the day they were surfacing at a reasonable hour.

  ‘I did some baking.’ Tabitha gave up her poor attempt at relaxing, abandoning the magazine she’d been reading.

  ‘Is it for breakfast?’ Max asked, eyeing up the circle of freshly baked biscuit.

  ‘More like elevenses. We’ll have a guest soon. Would you like some cereal or toast? Or both?’ Tabitha set about adding bread to the toaster. If there was one thing she was learning about teenagers it was that their appetite was endless. She’d realised on day one that she was going to have to up the portion sizes to greet the ferocity of their metabolisms.

  Max was still busy sizing up the shortbread. ‘I’ll just have some of this,’ she said, reaching over to the waiting biscuit.

  ‘I’ve already said that’s for later.’ Tabitha intercepted the teenager’s manoeuvre by lifting the cooling rack from the island counter and moving it onto the side.

  Max darted Tabitha an icy look, her brown eyes growing darker. It made Tabitha feel awkward. She didn’t want to disagree with Max, but she needed to play the role of parent. It was the first time since the girls had arrived that Tabitha was aware of the mood in the room changing, all over some shortbread biscuit.

  ‘There’s toast or cereal for now. Which would you rather have first?’ Tabitha attempted to keep her tone light and airy.

  There was a ring at the door and Tabitha was glad of the diversion. On her way, she popped four slices of bread into the toaster, even though she’d not received an answer.

  ‘Tabitha, so nice to see you.’

  Tabitha stepped back and allowed Julie to venture in. The social worker was a curious mix: smartly dressed, yet with a scruffy head of untamed tendrils, short with a roundness to her that made up for any lacking of height, and a pleasant level of disorganised chaos that was evident from her over-spilling bag. ‘Ah, and Syd. Or is it Max? I never can tell when you aren’t both in the room.’

  Max scoffed. Or was it a growl? She started doing everything with an added level of teenage angst… Fridge doors closed with force, cutlery drawers banged shut, plates slammed.

  ‘This is Max,’ Tabitha said. She would have thought that was pretty obvious when Max had long auburn hair and Syd’s was short and dyed black. It was disappointing that despite the girls deliberately making efforts to be distinguishable from each other, people fundamental to their lives weren’t paying enough attention to know the difference.

  ‘Yeah, Julie. Get with the ducking programme, would ya?’ Max said as she disappeared with a plateful of food into her sister’s bedroom.

  Tabitha couldn’t help but smile. She was trying to encourage the girls in the ways she knew best. One of them was to eat together as a family. Ideally, she should be getting Max and her sister to have breakfast in the kitchen. But she wasn’t going to worry about that when Max had used her suggestion of turning a less savoury word into a duck, just as every phone’s autocorrect seemed to do. It made her insides go fuzzy and warm. Somehow she was having an impact and she couldn’t help but smile at that.

  ‘Charming as ever, I see.’ Julie rolled her eyes once Max had left the room.

  The sarcastic comment made Tabitha want to phrase her own sentence involving a duck. She knew the girls hadn’t been easy, but she felt Julie should be championing them wherever possible.

  ‘Take a seat. Would you like a hot drink?’ Tabitha managed to keep a hold of the professional edge she was going for.

  ‘I’d love a tea if that’s no problem.’

  Tabitha decided it wasn’t a problem this time, but if Julie got the girls’ names mixed up again, she wasn’t going to offer such niceties next time.

  But it would seem, thanks to Max’s input, she wasn’t going to be able to offer all the niceties she’d prepared anyway. The shortbread had been smashed to bits and had significant chunks missing. There was a small part of Tabitha that knew she should chastise Max over this, but somehow the scenario made her smile. Instead of serving up pieces of broken biscuit, she instead grabbed a packet of ginger nuts (her least favourite) and used them as a substitute. It seemed only fair the royal treatment wasn’t delivered to a woman incapable of knowing the difference between the two unique girls.

  ‘How are things? Have the girls settled in okay?’ Julie asked once Tabitha had served their drinks and the plate of biscuits.

  Tabitha glanced towards Syd’s bedroom door before answering. She imagined the two girls with their ears pressed against it, not missing a beat.

  ‘Things seem to be fine so far, but you’d be better off asking them to be certain.’

  As much as things appeared to be okay on the surface, Tabitha wouldn’t like to second guess how the two near-adults were finding this new situation. It wasn’t as if they chatted in any depth as to how it compared to their previous experiences, and she still had a lot to learn about the two children in her care.

  ‘It’s great that they seem to be settling in well. I’ve got feedback forms that I’ll get you all to fill in regularly. They’re just to keep a record of how things are progressing. What you write won’t be seen by the girls. Have you had any trouble from them at all?’

  Tabitha glanced at the door again. She wouldn’t say anything knowing the conversation wasn’t a private one. She thought she should probably mention the run-in with the police, but then decided as it was only a telling off, she wasn’t about to get them into further trouble.

  ‘They’ve been great.’

  Children needed to hear positive things about themselves in order to feel encouraged. That had been her experience as a teacher. Surely that applied at any stage, not just when they were little kids with star charts. Their behaviour might not have been perfect, but they certainly weren’t bad kids. She was going to make sure they knew she’d recognised that.

  ‘That’s fantastic. And I know it’s still early days, but I wanted to scope out the possibility of you managing an extra placement. What are your feelings about using the potential fourth bedroom?’

  Tabitha hesitated. Butterflies were fizzing in her stomach and they were going on their very own rollercoaster. She did want to hear about it, more than anything. But she didn’t like to think the girls would find out about it while eavesdropping. Unable to see through walls, Tabitha decided to check on whether she was being paranoid.

  ‘I’ll just pop to the loo first and then you can tell me all about it.’ Tabitha pasted a smile on her face, not quite able to summon a real one with her feelings all over the shop.

  Something wasn’t quite right. Tabitha’s instincts were
rarely wrong and she was sure that something was amiss. The breeze she felt as she reached the toilet confirmed the fact. It was coming from Syd’s room.

  Continuing into the bathroom as if nothing was wrong, Tabitha was quick to lock the door.

  She wasn’t daft. She’d been a teenager once. Going straight to the window, she opened it as far as it would go. She placed her hands on the windowsill and moved her body forward so she was able to crane her head enough to see the window of Syd’s bedroom.

  Of course it was wide open.

  Tabitha didn’t need to check the room to know they’d done a runner.

  ‘Drat.’ It had been going so well. She just had to hope that their flight path was a predictable one.

  Grabbing her phone from the pocket of her jeans, Tabitha achieved the proper mum-skill of combining a trip to the loo with a quiet moment on the phone. Quickly, she sent Lewis a message and kept her fingers crossed that Syd and Max were creatures of habit.

  The girls have bunked off out the window. Can you do me a massive favour and check to see if they’re in the field? Will explain more later. Tx

  Knowing Lewis, his mobile wouldn’t be on him and he wouldn’t pick up the message straightaway. She just hoped that when he did check it, Syd and Max were hanging around in the field as usual.

  Returning to the sofa, Tabitha had to try and keep her mild panic under wraps. She prayed that Julie wouldn’t want to talk to the girls.

  ‘What was it you wanted to ask me?’ Tabitha steered the conversation back to where it had been, but she wasn’t sure if her poker face would hold.

  ‘I know we spoke before about the office being a negotiable space and there was potential for it to be another bedroom. Is that still the case?’