Everything (ARC)

by Catherine Miller

  ‘I told Max not to. I told her I’m fed up of her getting us both in trouble.’

  ‘You’re not in trouble, Syd. I know the expression “double trouble” gets bandied about a lot, but I know you two are individuals. Just because you come as a package doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate how different you both are and how differently you behave. I’m just sorry I haven’t managed to spend more time with you individually. I’d like to.’

  Perfectly timed, Luna woke and started her wailing, highlighting why Tabitha’s time was scarce. Lewis got up to tend to the baby’s cries.

  ‘I’d like that too,’ Syd said, the sadness in her voice breaking Tabitha’s heart a little.

  ‘Come here.’ Tabitha gave Syd a hug and stroked her short hair, admiring for the first time how they’d both cut their hair short to try and define their lives more. Syd to mark a distinction from her twin sister, Tabitha as a way of trying to erase the past. ‘We’ll make sure that happens. Starting with this picnic. We’ll give Lewis the challenge of feeding Luna while we eat.’

  When Tabitha realised Syd was having a little sob, she held her for a bit longer. ‘Don’t worry. It’s all going to be okay. I’ll talk to Max when she gets back, but you’re not in trouble.’

  Over Syd’s shoulder, Tabitha watched as Lofty laid down on the hay, using Max’s straw head as a pillow. What a prank to get her sister involved with. No wonder she was upset. She wasn’t going to panic. She would concentrate on Syd at this moment, knowing that Max normally turned up again on her terms.

  As she held one crying teenager, she realised there were some parts of parenthood that were going to be impossible to understand. All she could do was keep showing up.

  She just had to hope her missing teenager did the same.

  Forty-Six

  Now

  ‘I’m sorry.’ It was the obvious place for Tabitha to start the conversation.

  ‘I’m the one who should be apologising. I’ve always felt guilty about what happened,’ Melissa said.

  Lewis had made both of them a coffee and left them to it and Tabitha was happy to be nursing her regular mug. It gave her comfort even though he wasn’t here.

  ‘Guilt has a funny way of punishing us,’ Tabitha said, staring at her drink, but not seeing it.

  ‘You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about. I’m the one that screwed up.’

  Tabitha always thought she’d hate her friend for what happened, but with her sat here the hate wasn’t anywhere to be found. ‘Did Toby ever tell you what happened the night before Andy died?’

  ‘He didn’t tell me much of anything. He was steaming drunk that night. It was that night I realised I had to leave him, even before the news about Andy.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me about the affair?’ That was what Tabitha found hardest to fathom. Why her best friend had kept so many secrets from her.

  ‘There was no affair. At least, nothing physical at that point. I found someone who loved me for who I was and I didn’t know what to do.’

  ‘But why didn’t you tell me? If I’d have known I’d never have been caught off guard.’ Tabitha choked up thinking about it.

  ‘It was a very confusing time. Things weren’t great with Toby and I wasn’t sure if I was just reaching out for comfort. It was someone at the school so I didn’t want to complicate things by telling anyone, especially you. And I didn’t tell you because it meant confessing parts of my sexuality that I wasn’t certain of myself. I don’t mean this to sound callous, but Andy dying reminded me that life is short. It reminded me that I deserved to be happy and to follow my heart.’

  Tabitha brushed away her tears. ‘And are you happy?’

  ‘Utterly. I’d love you to meet Sasha one day. Although you have if you remember Ms Watkins. You’d like her. Believe me when I say she’s a big improvement on Toby.’

  Tabitha thought back and had a vague memory of one of the newer teachers from Year 6. ‘I’d love to meet her,’ she said. ‘I just wish I’d spoken to you about this sooner. Toby told me, more than once, that you’d been having an affair.’

  ‘I wasn’t – honest. It was a friendship that developed fairly rapidly, but I never cheated on him. It didn’t become more until after I’d left him.’

  ‘The other thing is…’ Tabitha teetered on not telling Melissa. If she’d struggled with the knowledge, perhaps her friend would too.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘The night before Andy passed away, Toby told me he thought you were having an affair with my husband.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I knew it wasn’t true, but I ended up arguing with Andy anyway. The last night we ever had together and we argued.’

  ‘Oh, Tabby. Please tell me you haven’t been carrying that round all this time.’

  Tabitha pressed her lips together to try and stop another outburst. She didn’t want to cry. She wanted the hurt to go away. Unable to speak, she nodded confirmation.

  ‘Darling girl. Come here.’ Melissa left the kitchen chair she was in and circled the tiny dining table to give Tabitha a hug. ‘No wonder you haven’t wanted to talk to me. But you should have called me. We should have been back in touch a long time ago. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder at the time.’

  Tabitha gave in to some ugly crying to say what she needed to. ‘I’ve always felt so guilty. I’ve always thought that argument was the thing that killed him. That the stress of it is what caused it and in the morning I was too preoccupied to notice he was dead…’ She truly sobbed at that moment, letting out years of reliving a memory she was powerless to do anything about.

  ‘Oh, Tabitha. Truly none of that is how it was. You having an argument that night wouldn’t have caused it.’

  ‘But it caused this. I believed Toby. I took his word for it and stopped talking to you, my best friend. I’ve blamed you for something that wasn’t your fault.’

  ‘But we both know the truth now and that’s what’s important. We can start afresh from this point on.’ Melissa swiped some of her tears away. ‘And Andy wouldn’t want you to be sad like this. Please tell me you’ve found happiness too. Your new man seems lovely.’

  Despite her upset, Tabitha found herself letting out a little laugh. ‘Lewis isn’t my man. I’m not that lucky.’ Or young enough, she thought. ‘But I have found happiness elsewhere. I have three foster daughters. You glimpsed them when you called by. Sorry for being so frosty. I’m just very aware of protecting them and I was caught off guard.’

  ‘That’s amazing that you’re fostering. Sasha and I have been looking into it.’

  ‘It’s not for the faint-hearted.’ Tabitha recalled all the sleepless nights and teenage antics that she was dealing with. ‘But it’s totally worth it.’ There were the sofa snuggles and late-night chats that she wouldn’t want to be without now.

  The sound of feet came up the stairs, and Lewis and Syd appeared.

  ‘Sorry to interrupt, but Syd needed to talk to you,’ Lewis said.

  ‘What is it?’ Tabitha wiped her face and hoped she didn’t look like too much of a mess.

  ‘I think Max is going to do something stupid. We need to stop her.’

  Rekindled Love

  Love can hurt. It can hurt in indescribable ways. It can cut to the core and make you bleed.

  You can be lying there gaping and wondering why. Why does it have to be over?

  And we have to accept that it is. Because how can we move on otherwise.

  But sometimes. Just sometimes. There is a love that doesn’t die. It’s simply waiting to start over.

  Forty-Seven

  Now

  Syd shoved a piece of paper into Tabitha’s hand. ‘We need to go and find her.’

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Tabitha asked. Syd hadn’t been concerned earlier so she wasn’t sure what had changed.

  Looking at the paper in her hands, it was one of the evaluation forms they’d all been filling in every month. In large, block capital letters were the words: I TOLD YOU I WOULD. The jud
dering handwriting was scribbled as if done in a rush.

  ‘What does that even mean?’ Tabitha asked, even more perplexed after reading it.

  ‘We need to get moving,’ Lewis said. ‘Mum said she’ll look after Luna until we’re all back.’

  ‘What’s going on?’ Melissa asked.

  ‘Max has gone off,’ Tabitha said. ‘She’s got a tendency to go AWOL for short periods, but she always comes back. But obviously if Syd is concerned then we are too.’

  ‘Let me help. We can take my car if you like. I think it’s the fastest one here.’

  ‘If yours is the Merc then we should go in that. If that suits?’ Lewis glanced at Tabitha to check that was alright.

  The years of misunderstanding didn’t matter in that moment. What mattered was finding Max and making sure she was okay.

  They were loaded up in the fancy silver car in record timing. Tabitha took a seat in the back with Syd while Lewis took the passenger seat. Tabitha looked at the evaluation form again. It didn’t make much sense, but it didn’t sound good.

  ‘Do you know what she means by this, Syd?’ She had to know something to be this worried.

  ‘Which direction am I headed? Where do you think she is?’ Melissa asked from the front.

  For a moment Syd was quiet, staring out the window with tears glistening in her eyes.

  ‘When you said you think she’s going to something stupid, do you think she’s going to harm herself?’ Tabitha wasn’t sure she could cope with another loss on that scale and she wanted to make sure whatever they did they would prevent another tragedy. She briefly reminded herself that last time, she was powerless to stop it. But she just had to make sure she did the right thing now.

  ‘No, she’s not,’ Syd whispered.

  ‘What then?’

  ‘These pictures. They’re different,’ Lewis said from the front seat.

  Tabitha didn’t know what to make of the comment considering she thought he’d been looking at maps.

  ‘Where do we need to go, Syd? It’s important that you tell me.’ Tabitha tried to emphasise the importance of sharing what she knew.

  ‘Yalding.’

  ‘Yalding it is,’ Melissa said, putting her foot on the pedal and getting them up to fifth gear before Lewis had a chance to point out the way.

  ‘What’s she planning on doing?’ Lewis said, staring at the pieces of paper in front of him.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Syd said, staring at her fingernails.

  Tabitha gently took a hold of the teenager’s arm, bringing her closer. ‘Whatever it is, it’s important you tell us what you know. You know I want what’s best for you and your sister. You know I can’t control what happens if this falls out of my hands.’

  ‘I’m not sure exactly.’ Syd gripped Tabitha’s hand. ‘I just know that she’s out to prove a point. She told me she told Julie exactly what she’s planned on her evaluation form and she knew that they wouldn’t be read. It’s something to do with our adoptive family. She misses Jolie.’

  ‘Do you have any idea what she might do? Anything that might help us?’

  ‘All I know is she’s been planning it for a while and she’s been getting me to cover for her. Like she always does.’

  ‘Do you remember their address?’ Lewis asked.

  ‘Yeah. If they haven’t moved I know exactly where they live.’

  ‘You need to see these,’ Lewis said, passing Tabitha the pieces of paper in his hand.

  They were more sketches. The ones Max had been doing on repeat. The first two were like the ones she’d seen before of Jolie. If not those exact ones, then they had to be copies. But the last one was different. It wasn’t a replica of the others. The baby was now a toddler; walking, taller, long hair, flowers on a jumpsuit.

  ‘How old was Jolie when you left?’ Tabitha asked, unable to take her eyes off the vibrant lifelike image. She already knew the answer, but was after confirmation.

  ‘Eight months old.’

  The difference in the two images wasn’t huge, but enough for Tabitha to know… This wasn’t a result of Max’s imagination. She had seen Jolie.

  If they found Jolie, they’d find Max.

  Forty-Eight

  Now

  Even with Melissa driving as fast as the speed limit would let her, Yalding was quite the trek in the car. All of them remained in silence for the journey, staring out of their windows, worried about what was to come.

  Tabitha kept grabbing glances at Melissa driving. Even though it had been years since they’d been in each other’s company and Tabitha had felt a burning resentment that should never have existed, it was a relief to have her here. It gave her hope. If they’d managed to regain their friendship then anything was possible. She would no doubt always struggle with the loss of her husband, but at least in the end she hadn’t lost her friend as well. Now she just needed to make sure her girls weren’t going to be lost to her either.

  ‘This is it,’ Lewis said, from his position as navigator. ‘Do you know the exact way, Syd?’

  ‘It’s the property across from the village pub.’ Syd pointed through the two head rests.

  Melissa carefully pulled up nearby, but not directly outside.

  ‘What do we do now?’ Tabitha asked. She was suddenly aware that even though she was trying to keep the girls out of trouble, their former adoptive parents might not feel the same way. ‘We can’t just ring the doorbell and ask if she’s there, can we?’

  ‘That doesn’t seem like the wisest move if they aren’t aware she’s there. We don’t want to get her in any more trouble. They’d be sure to tell social services,’ Lewis said. ‘Any ideas, Syd?’

  Syd hadn’t let go of Tabitha’s hand the whole way there. ‘What time is it?’

  ‘It’s four-thirty,’ Melissa said.

  ‘The park!’ Syd said, the realisation almost making a lightbulb appear as she pronounced it.

  ‘Which way?’ Melissa asked, turning the key and bringing the engine to life.

  ‘It’s just round the corner. We can walk from here.’ Syd opened her door and Tabitha followed.

  ‘How about we walk round and you two follow in the car in five minutes? That way we can flag you down if there are any problems.’

  With that agreed, Tabitha and Syd made their way to the park. They passed the village pub with its whitewashed walls and black beams, a metal sign swinging above the door. They continued over an old bridge and in other circumstances, Tabitha would have stopped to admire the view and listened to the flow of water. But she was too worried about Max.

  ‘Do you think she’ll have done anything stupid?’

  ‘She might do. I don’t know. She’s been really cagey about it.’

  ‘If you’re ever worried about anything, you can talk to me. I am your foster mum you know.’ Maybe Syd didn’t know. Maybe it needed to be said.

  ‘But what about when it’s not my secret to tell?’

  ‘Look, I don’t know much about being a twin. Hell, I don’t know much about being a sibling. All I know is that sometimes not talking can be damaging.’ Tabitha had certainly learned that the hard way and it was a lesson she should have learned a long time ago.

  When they reached the recreational ground, the park’s play equipment was in view on the other side of the field that had various football pitches marked out on it. There were several figures over there – parents watching their children, kids running around – but none of them stood out as being Max.

  ‘It’s just always been me and Max. I’ve only ever really had her to talk to properly.’

  ‘Well you have me now, too.’

  ‘Thank you, Tabby.’ Syd paused for a second. ‘I mean Mum.’

  Tabitha threw her arm around her and pulled her close. ‘Now let’s find this sister of yours. Can you see her?’

  Inwardly, Tabitha’s heart was beating faster than she thought humanly possible. She couldn’t help panicking about what was driving Max to come back to the people who’d reject
ed her. However much she wanted to protect the sisters’ placement with her, it would be rather reckless to cause more harm by not reporting Max’s disappearance to the correct authorities. If they didn’t find Max soon, she’d have to call Julie and the police for help. Plan B was going to have to be swiftly instated. Not that she was entirely clear on what plan B was.

  ‘I can’t see her. But Jolie is there.’

  ‘With her parents?’ Tabitha didn’t want to have to explain to them why she was here with Syd.

  ‘No, she has a nanny.’

  ‘And Max definitely isn’t there?’

  ‘I can’t see her.’

  ‘She wouldn’t be wearing a disguise, would she?’ There was such a mix of scenarios going through Tabitha’s head. After discovering the straw version of Max, she was hoping she’d not become a master of illusion over the course of the afternoon.

  ‘She’ll have a note pad. I know that much.’

  ‘Of course. She’ll be drawing. Where would she put herself to do that?’

  It was a vague hope. One that she needed to cling onto. With every passing minute, Tabitha’s concern for Max was growing and she was finding it harder to hide the fact from Syd.

  A horn beeped in the distance.

  Tabitha glanced across to the car. Had five minutes already passed?

  But in front of the car was a bench with a very familiar occupant.

  They ran. They ran as fast as their legs would take them.

  Syd reached Max first, flinging her arms around her sister and squeezing so hard it was enough to push the tears out of her in a trickle.

  ‘Oh, Max. You had us so worried.’ Even though it might turn the three of them into a water fountain, Tabitha joined in with the hug as well. These girls were hers. She didn’t want to lose them and she didn’t want them feeling lost.

  As she glanced over, Lewis and Melissa were now stood by the car, waiting for them.