Everything (ARC)

by Catherine Miller

  ‘What were you thinking coming all this way?’ Tabitha took a seat on the bench with Syd the other side of Max forming a little huddle.

  ‘I’m not sure really,’ Max said, looking rather lost, and younger than she normally did.

  Tabitha smoothed Max’s long hair, moving it away from her face. She noticed the sketch of Jolie was different to her normal accurate style. Instead it was heavy lines broken up by watermarks, evidently splashes from tears.

  ‘Have you at least realised that coming here wasn’t the answer?’

  ‘I don’t know what the answer is any more.’

  Tabitha knew the time had come for her to start telling her story.

  ‘When my husband died, I really shut down. I didn’t want to speak to anyone or see anyone. It felt like the whole world had wronged me.’

  ‘It’s not the same, though. You can’t compare your past to ours and make out like you know how I’m feeling.’ Max wiped her cheek with the back of her hand.

  ‘I’m not trying to say that. I guess, what I’m trying to say is even as an adult I make mistakes. But we can learn from them. They’re not lost feelings. It does get easier.’

  ‘But when? When will it stop hurting?’

  Tabitha soothed Max’s hair and brought her close to her, wishing she was able to instantly erase the hurt.

  ‘If you want to know the moment I stopped hurting I can tell you exactly… It was the moment I met you two. It was the moment I realised that despite all of that hurt, bigger and better things were going to happen in my life as a result. I wouldn’t have you two or Luna in my life if it hadn’t been for the course my life took. I didn’t choose that, but I did choose you two.’

  Max folded slightly, adding a few more tears to her latest artwork.

  ‘Mum isn’t angry with us. I thought she would be, but she’s just worried,’ Syd said, soothing her sister’s back.

  ‘I just wish Luna wasn’t there,’ Max wailed.

  ‘Why?’ Tabitha asked quietly.

  ‘Because I don’t want to go through this hurt again. I don’t want to fall in love with her and think of her as a little sister for some social worker to be allowed to come along and take her away. I can’t do that again.’

  ‘Oh, Max. My poor sweetheart. I’ll do whatever I can to make sure that doesn’t happen.’ Tabitha pulled her in close and let her cry. She nearly made promises about how she’d never let that happen before realising she wasn’t in a position to give them false hope. She was in a position to find out if it were a possibility, though. To keep all three girls under her roof on a permanent basis – their forever home. But those weren’t words she could whisper to them now, in case she couldn’t pull it off.

  ‘When my husband died, I thought it would be impossible to love again. Nobody was ever going to be able to make me love on that scale again. That’s what I thought, until you two arrived. For all your gallivanting and teenage stropping you are exactly what the Bunk-a-low needed. You’re exactly what I needed. I think maybe I just hadn’t realised it until now.’

  ‘We need you too, Tabby,’ Syd said.

  ‘Syd keeps telling me that. Maybe I didn’t realise it until now either,’ Max said.

  ‘Us humans aren’t always as quick off the mark as we should be.’ Tabitha tried to add a light-hearted comment to the moment to distract from the fact her heart was singing with the words they’d spoken.

  ‘Can we go home now?’ Max said.

  Tabitha took a deep breath. It had been a big day. ‘I’ve got an old friend with me who’s giving us a lift back.’ Hopefully rather than being an old friend, Melissa was one she was able to welcome into her new life. Given today, she liked to think that would be the case. ‘You do mean the Bunk-a-low?’ she asked Max, wanting to hear confirmation that that was where Max wanted home to be.

  ‘That really is the worst name for a home, you know?’ Max wiped her eyes on the sleeves of her black hoody.

  ‘I thought it was awesome. It was the perfect name when I was building the place.’

  ‘Can we rename it?’ Max asked.

  ‘Yeah, can we?’ Syd added.

  Tabitha smiled, a warmth spreading inside of her. ‘Of course you can. It would be lovely if you did. But the new name has to get my final approval.’

  As they returned home discussing the topic at length, Tabitha was glad she’d made such stipulations especially when The MaxSyd Pad was banded about as a possibility… She didn’t want to have to point out it sounded like a new brand of sanitary towel.

  Stopping off for dinner on the way home as a merry band of five, nobody would know, from the outside looking in, what any of them had been through that day. They wouldn’t recognise the fractures that were only just beginning to heal. They would only see five people queuing up for a carvery, the two girls piling their plates high enough to make passers-by wonder if they’d been fed that week. They would hear them laughing about how The Happy House would be a ridiculous name for a property. Almost as bad as the Bunk-a-low. They would be amused by Max and Syd competing over who ate the most Brussels sprouts. They would know none of the things any of them had been through that day or any other day. Because none of us ever know what a smile or a lilt of laughter can be hiding.

  * * *

  It was much later that evening, when Sylvie and Melissa had both returned home and Luna was down for the night, that Lewis made Tabitha and the girls hot chocolate.

  Cuddling up, Tabitha and the girls gathered on the sofa under a blanket, Andy’s shirts providing their cushioning. It was gone eleven according to the juniper-wood clock on the wall that was watching over them all, keeping them safe. It was past her bedtime and certainly past the twins’, but with the drama of the day, they deserved a night cap and some time to wind down.

  When Lewis joined them, he sat separately in the tub chair and they all sipped their hot chocolate in quiet contemplation. It was one of the nicest moments Tabitha had had for a long time.

  Whatever past she was grappling with, and however fraught the day had been, she still had the soon to be renamed Bunk-a-low and her very own version of family. She’d fought hard to be in this position. She’d fought grief and guilt and doubt and while all of those things would still haunt her, they hadn’t stopped her. She’d earned this. In a day that had been filled with dread, it made this precious moment with her foster family all the sweeter.

  And there was something else she was realising… She didn’t want Lewis to be sitting separately from her. She didn’t want him to be helping from the sidelines. She didn’t want to be scared of moving on. She would always love her husband, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t ever love again.

  As she glanced over at him and smiled, the frisson in the air surged. She just had to hope that one day she’d be brave enough to find out if it was real or imagined.

  Forty-Nine

  Now

  It took far longer than Tabitha would have liked, so it was a relief to finally be at this juncture.

  ‘What do I say to them?’ Max asked.

  ‘Whatever you like. You can say as little or as much as you want, I don’t think there are any rules.’

  Over the last two weeks of the summer holidays, Tabitha had deliberately sought out time to spend with the twins. Sylvie and Frank had proved to be such a help with Luna, and were happy to do more, so it had allowed Tabitha some freedom. She was yet to work out what her neighbour and her dad were enjoying more: the babysitting or each other’s company.

  Today, along with the art class they’d started going to together, it was also time for Max’s first counselling session. Tabitha hoped it would help. Syd was also signed up for them, but Tabitha had requested appointments on different days so it allowed some more one-to-one time with each of the girls.

  ‘How was it?’ Tabitha asked once Max was out. She’d let Tabitha braid her hair that morning and it suited her, the auburn in her hair mixing with the honey-blonde streaks summer had added.

  ‘She a
sked a lot of questions.’

  ‘I figured she might.’ Tabitha’s smile broadened. She wasn’t sure why she was after any kind of post-analysis. It wasn’t like the girls ever managed to tell her what they’d been up to in any detail. Apparently it was the norm, according to the parenting forum that she’d joined for support.

  After their art class, where Tabitha was completing an awful watercolour of a vase and Max had started a beautiful sketch of Luna, they met up with Lewis and Syd for lunch.

  With Syd she’d started doing a pottery course and secretly, Tabitha was enjoying that one much more.

  That wasn’t the only thing she was enjoying in secret. Although hopefully, even if part of her didn’t want it to, this afternoon, it would come to an end.

  * * *

  ‘Are you ready for this?’ Lewis asked once she was settled in the driver’s seat.

  ‘I’m never confident enough to be ready, but I’ll give it my best shot.’

  Normally she was fine, driving was becoming second nature, but with the thought of what was ahead her movements were more awkward. With eight failed tests behind her, it was surprising she wasn’t on first-name terms with the examiners.

  The problem was the nerves creeping up on her. They stopped her from functioning normally and instead she had to think about everything twice and rather than producing the smooth driving she was usually capable of, her limbs became hesitant and juddered.

  ‘It’ll be fine, you know. Just pretend it’s me in the passenger seat as always,’ Lewis said.

  Lewis provided her with a different kind of distraction these days. She was trying not to think about it too much because for all the time they spent together, he’d not hinted at feeling the same way and the last thing she needed was to get hurt. Their friendship was too important to go and spoil it by doing or saying something silly. Besides, if she passed, the reason to spend extra time together would be gone.

  Today it was a blonde female examiner and she was quick to start asking Tabitha questions as she drove them round on the routes she asked her to drive. Some were about driving, but others were about her life: what she did, whether she had any kids.

  It was quite a delight to be able to tell her about her three foster children she was in the process of adopting. She talked about the large back garden that was now cleared, and how Tabitha was in the process of ordering a tipi tent to start running yoga classes there. The test felt more like a lesson bar the moment she’d had to perform an emergency stop.

  By the time they returned to the test centre, Tabitha had more than likely achieved a new sign-up for the yoga classes.

  But there was one final manoeuvre to do – reversing into a bay – Tabitha’s nemesis. Lewis had gone over it with her so many times, but getting it to go perfectly was an art form she struggled with.

  Despite checking her mirrors and turning the wheel in the right direction, she ended up at an angle in the space.

  In that moment, Tabitha thought about all the times she’d wanted to give up. She was a widow not wanting to leave the comfort of her duvet. She was a woman living in a caravan while a derelict barn became her home. She was a new foster mum with teenage children who ran away. She was a sleep-deprived woman cleaning up baby puke. She was a friend who hadn’t been brave enough to have a conversation.

  All of the times she’d wanted to give up. But she never had so she wasn’t about to now.

  Bringing the car forward, she straightened up and ended up in the centre of the space. The faux pas was bound to mean a fail, but she’d done her best. As she switched the engine off, that was all she could ever hope to do. It was all she ever asked of herself.

  ‘I’m glad to tell you, you’ve passed,’ the instructor said with a smile, robbing Tabitha of breath.

  Once she was allowed out of the car, Tabitha jumped and screamed to let the excitement out. As far as she was concerned this was an actual miracle.

  ‘I did it!’

  Tabitha ran to Lewis, then she did something she’d never done to anyone before… She leapt on him, a blind sense of trust running through her as she ended up wrapping her arms and legs around him.

  ‘I bloody did it.’

  Lewis held her, keeping her there. ‘I told you, you would.’

  ‘Not without your help. There are a lot of things I wouldn’t have managed without your help.’

  ‘That’s what family is for,’ Lewis said.

  Tabitha stared into Lewis’s blue eyes for a moment, questioning what version of family they were. For all she’d managed to clarify, she might be like a big sister to him.

  When their lips met, it provided all the clarification that was needed.

  And within a heartbeat, she knew it was possible to love again.

  Epilogue

  Six Months Later

  It wouldn’t be most people’s first choice for Valentine’s Day, but it was something Tabitha needed to do. She’d been avoiding it for too long.

  Melissa and Sasha were babysitting Luna and Lofty for the day, while Syd and Max were at school so she was able to do this one thing and then spend the rest of the day with Lewis.

  The black lettering spelling out his name gleamed as if it was still fresh, which it was in many ways.

  Andrew David Sanderson.

  ‘I’ll wait by the car. Let you have some time,’ Lewis said, kissing her on the forehead before leaving.

  ‘Thank you.’ Tabitha didn’t know how she’d got so lucky. She hadn’t believed it would happen twice in a lifetime, but there love had been on her doorstep.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said out loud. ‘I’m so sorry for everything.’

  There were too many things she wanted to apologise for. She was sorry for the angry words she’d said. She was sorry for any doubts. She was sorry for not realising the instance she woke that something was wrong. She was sorry for believing they would always have tomorrow.

  She’d known she wouldn’t be able to voice everything that she wanted to say. So much had happened in the years since he’d passed and yet the pain was the same. Knowing she’d never see him again in her lifetime, never got any easier, and yet, there were many loves to be had.

  Instead of saying any more, Tabitha got out the small present she’d brought for Andy’s grave. Today seemed like an appropriate day to pass it onto him. It was a small book about love. It was the kind of thing you picked up at the counter on the way out of the gift store and her father had given it to her after Andy had passed away. She’d read each of the quotes so often the pages were beginning to look wearily thumbed. For a long while, reading them had made her cry. They’d made her focus on what she’d lost, not what she’d gained. But not any more. Now she read the quotes and was able to see how far she’d come.

  In the front, she’d added a small update on her life. She wasn’t sure what she believed in, but she hoped that those handwritten words would somehow reach Andy. That he’d know she thought of him daily and that their love was not forgotten.

  * * *

  I have three daughters, none of them my own, yet they are mine completely.

  I live in a house that I built and the girls made me aptly name ‘The Forever Home’.

  My love for you has never died, but my heart has grown and with it, I have learned to love again.

  It is so hard to convey all the things that I want to say, but that is why I’m giving this book to you. Read the part on Eternal Love… That’s the one that’s always made me think of you.

  Eternal Love

  There is a fire that burns and it burns for eternity. It is my love for you. It is your love for me. It is our love for each other. And if you look hard enough, you’ll see it shining every day. Not in the places you expect, but in every corner of life. It’s in a sentence. It’s in a smile. It’s in the shedding of a tear.

  We all need love and we all need to allow ourselves to find it. Because there are many loves to be had. You just need to look for them and believe they are real. Do that, and you
’ll find the fire. Do it often, and that fire will burn brightly.

  Six-Month Feedback Form – Max

  Filling these forms out is beyond ridiculous now, Julie! I still know you’re not reading them. You see writing and that’s enough to know they’re done.

  If you did read this properly, you’d know I’d like to thank you.

  I don’t make a habit of thanking people, certainly not out loud, but this feels kind of quiet. Like no one is listening. It feels safe to shout out the things that I can’t always voice.

  So I can say thank you because Tabby (Mum) is hot on making sure we’re being polite these days. Reckons it’ll help us once we’re ready to look for jobs. She doesn’t buy it when I tell her I’m an artist and I’m never going to need to be polite at an interview. She reckons even the best artists in the world had to get by at some point and politeness always pays.

  Anyways, I haven’t said what I’m thanking you for. I wanted to thank you for doing a good job, even when I thought you were doing a bad one. I wanted to thank you for not giving up when others might have put us elsewhere. I wanted to thank you for finding us a forever home. I have a feeling you always knew it was going to work out.

  If you do ever read this, make no mention of it. I don’t want people knowing I’ve gone soft. If you do, I’ll set my mum on you… She’s the Drone Defeater, don’t you know!

  If you loved The Day that Changed Everything, and how it left you feeling warm and fuzzy, crying and laughing along the way, then you need to read the beautiful 99 Days With You, Catherine Miller’s absolute heartbreaker of a story – but be warned, tissues will be needed for this one!

  * * *

  Get it here!