Prison Ramen
Page 6
During my time at Corcoran, in order to control the boldness of the inmates, staff made it clear that there would be no more warning shots. So then the writing under every gun tower read: WARNING. NO WARNING SHOTS! You better believe they take this shit seriously. There’s an officer straight out of the military, specialized as a sniper, just waiting to show off his marksmanship.
Ramen Torta
Ingredients
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 large hoagie or hero roll (big enough for two people), split open
¼ cup mayonnaise
¼ cup mustard
¼ pound sliced turkey
¼ pound sliced ham
¼ pound sliced chicken breast
1 tomato, sliced
1 onion, sliced
About 6 lettuce leaves or a handful of shredded lettuce
¼ pound sliced pepper Jack cheese
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for about 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Open the roll, leaving the sides attached. Spread the mayonnaise and mustard on the inside of the roll.
5. Spread half of the Ramen on the roll. Sprinkle half the seasoning over the Ramen.
6. Lay the turkey, ham, chicken, tomato, onion, and lettuce on top of the Ramen.
7. Add the rest of the Ramen and sprinkle with the remainder of the seasoning.
8. Top with the cheese. Close gently and hold it down while cutting it in half.
Black and Brown Get Down!
It was a cool afternoon, and I was waiting for my turn to play handball with the homies. We all noticed the scuffle on the other side of the prison yard. Once we saw who was fighting—black and brown—it was like a domino effect. One after another, every black and Hispanic inmate in the vicinity ran toward the square dance. Midway, we were cut off by a few brothers running in from the basketball court. They were squaring up to fight, and it looked like we were outnumbered and outsized. But before they could swing, the two homies I was with pulled out shanks. The square dancing continued and the brothers didn’t back down from a knife fight. Finally, there were tear gas shots, rubber bullets, and warning shots to the sky. The goon squad—special task force officers—ran in with zip ties and cuffs, and the riot was contained.
I was lying facedown in the main yard with my hands cuffed, waiting to be placed in AD-SEG (Administration Segregation), where everyone in the riot was headed. All around me I heard moans of agony and pain, but I had managed to avoid being cut or wounded badly. All I could think of at the time was eating a warm bowl of this Spicy Ramen Rice Casserole, a recipe I had just gotten right. Go figure. The stuff we think of in the most unusual circumstances.
Spicy Ramen Rice Casserole
Ingredients
2 packs chili flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 package (7.5 to 8.5 ounces) cheesy rice
1 pouch (5 ounces) seasoned beef crumbles or ¾ cup seasoned crumbled cooked ground beef
2 to 3 tablespoons picante sauce, or to taste
1 jalapeño chile, chopped
Notes:
• Uncle Ben’s and Old El Paso both make a cheesy rice.
• Libby’s beef crumbles were for sale at the commissary.
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packets.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Meanwhile, prepare the rice as directed on the package.
5. Combine the seasoning, beef, picante sauce (to taste), and jalapeño in a separate bowl. Mix well.
6. Cover and microwave for 5 to 10 minutes, until hot.
7. Mix the beef and Ramen into the rice.
Eyewitness to Mayhem
It was six-thirty on a cool Saturday morning in the California State Prison, Corcoran. My road dog Spider and I were out for our usual morning walk around the yard. Coffee in hand, beanies down past our eyebrows, we were strolling along when something caught our attention. There was an unusual number of black inmates and white inmates on the yard. They were in groups of about ten each. The vibe in the air was cold—and not just from the weather. We decided not to walk past them, and just posted up against the wall facing both large groups. Sure enough, they kicked it off! A full-blown race riot. We weren’t in a position to run from it, so we got down on the ground the second it started. From where we lay, we saw men getting stabbed, beat, and finally shot by the CO in the tower.
After the smoke from the pepper gas canisters cleared, Spider and I were escorted back to our building, unharmed. It reminded me of the movie Braveheart, the scene where the two masses run toward each other with weapons, and the bloodiest feud unfolds. It’s one thing to see it on TV or even a big movie screen, but when it’s ten feet in front of you, it’s something else altogether—and a lot more memorable, unfortunately.
Ramen Goulash
Ingredients
2 packs beef flavor Ramen
1½ cups boiling water
1½ cups or ¾ pound beef chunks (about 11 ounces)
½ cup chopped cooked potatoes
½ cup chopped celery
½ cup chopped onion
2 jalapeño chiles, chopped
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
Note: I’ve been known to double the mayonnaise if I have it handy.
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packets.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Mix the roast beef, potatoes, celery, onion, and jalapeños in a large microwavable bowl. Add a little water to moisten—about 2 tablespoons.
5. Cover and microwave for about 5 minutes, until hot.
6. Add the Ramen and mayonnaise. Mix well.
Romeo
{from All Saints Day}
Addresses the Court
by Troy Duffy
I’m sitting in the courtroom facing my imminent demise, while the loud shrieks of “You killed my husband! Now his children will grow up with no daddy,” etc., etc. ring in my ears. These are the voices of the family members of the men I had killed. I feel in some way betrayed. Don’t they know what these animals they called father or husband were about? All these men were scum, the scum of this very earth! But I had been charged with three murder counts!
Then the judge gives me four f’ing minutes to respond before he sentences me on three counts of murder in the first! I’m like, “Really, Judge?!!” I’m thinking, Oh hell naaah! So I stand to respectfully retort.
“Your Honor, three? Just three? I was on Donkey Kong that day, it had to be more than three, had to be. I demand a recount!”
I also addressed the gallery. “As for your husbands, fathers, and sons, apparently neither this court nor the media asked the following rather obvious questions. What were they all doing in those woods, armed to the teeth, with twenty other douches assaulting a house filled with people who kill known criminals for a living? Now, granted I’m aware that I was fresh in the game. I get it. I totally get it. I’m a nobody. But those other three? My associates? Whooo, all they did was kill assholes, all day every day. Seriously, they’re like the holy trinity of asshole killers! Now, during the discovery process, I was provided the criminal histories of your husbands, fathers, and sons . . .”
At this point my lawyer rudely interrupts me and whispers in my ear, “I gave those to you confidentially, wasn’t supposed to, blah blah blah . . .” To which I say, “WTF?! You were a shitty lawyer anyways. I hope you get in trouble. And Judge, if you need me to testify against this douche bag, no problem! Back to biz!”
&nb
sp; So I turn to the gallery to perform my well-thought-out last hurrah speech, looking each person in the eyes. “Your husband was a rapist. Your father was a murdering rapist, and your son was a drug-dealing murderer who, to his credit, wasn’t much for rape. Guess he really stood up to the peer pressure. But let’s talk big picture. If there is any justice in the next world, your husbands, fathers, and sons are spending their days being force-fed demon cocks in hell and capping off every evening with a good old-fashioned ass raping from Satan himself. Well, except the lone nonrapist. Let’s hope the Prince of Darkness rolls with the ‘punishment fits the crime’ crowd.”
Then out of the corner of my eye, I catch this little girl, and my heart bleeds. “My only regret here is you, dear. I think in the years to come you are going to look into this and come down to my side, especially once you realize how your own family pimped you out to the media. For you, I just have sort of a, a, like a very soft ‘fuck you.’ Enough to let you know where I sat, ya’ know? But not enough to . . .” Then she starts wailing.
I can’t take it, so I turn to the judge. “Well, shit. Sorry. Judge, go ahead and throw the book. You know you want to.”
The judge can’t wait to sentence me, but then I realize I still have some time on the clock!
“HANG ON! Still got some time, and I’d just like to say . . . prison: looking forward to it. Haven’t seen the ‘family’ in a while; besides, it’s time to check in. Back to three hots and a cot and mandatory workouts. Could use a little more ink, too. Shit, ain’t nothing changed but the time and the weather! Looking forward to cooking up my old Ramen spread with the fellows!”
Troy Duffy is a director, screenwriter, and musician. He directed The Boondock Saints and The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. This monologue imagines a scene in which Romeo from Boondock II, played by Clifton Collins Jr. as a ferocious underdog, addresses the court. He is on trial for murder after a barrage of bullets ended in a bloodbath that left several mobsters dead.
Romeo’s “Ramen con Pescado”
Ingredients
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1½ cans (about 4 ounces each) mackerel, drained
1 can (3 to 4 ounces) sardines in hot sauce
1 can (3 to 4 ounces) smoked oysters, drained
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for about 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Add the seasoning, mackerel, sardines, oysters, and mayonnaise. Mix well.
No Hershey Squirts Here
When a federal inmate gets transferred to another prison, it’s usually by air or bus. If it’s by air, it’s con-air. Do not eat or drink the night before a transfer of any kind. When you are handcuffed, shackled from waist and ankles, it is very difficult to use the restroom. And the guards don’t really care how difficult it might be. I learned from the accidents of others that it’s better to stay prepared for what’s ahead. No matter how hungry I get or how weak I feel, I’d rather have an empty stomach than a full load.
A few days before you transfer, try a meal like this one. You’ll have energy to spare, even after you’ve eliminated most of the meal.
Ramen Pot Roast
Ingredients
2 packs beef flavor Ramen
3 cups water
½ cup chopped carrots
½ cup chopped cooked potatoes
½ cup chopped celery
½ cup chopped green beans
½ cup beef broth
3 tablespoons soy sauce
½ cup cooked beef chunks
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a large microwavable bowl. Add the seasoning.
2. Add the water, carrots, potatoes, celery, green beans, beef broth, soy sauce, and beef. Mix well.
3. Cover and microwave for 8 to 10 minutes, until hot.
Preparing for Battle at the Conjugal Visit
by Jacob Vargas
A lot of people ask me how I got to be known as the “Aztec Warrior.” It all started when I was doing a stretch at Tracy. I hated doing time, eh. I got claustrophobia and shit, eh. I don’t like locked doors! No more locked doors! Damn where was I? Oh yeah. So I was locked up and there was this female prison guard who kept flirting with me and shit. She told me she wanted to see my mini me. I must admit I was a bit nervous. It had been a long time since I’d done it with an actual woman. So my cellmate Lil Puppet (every Vato Loco knows a Lil Puppet) schooled me on a secret Ramen recipe that is guaranteed to get your lil soldier to attack and take no prisoners! It was called Ramen-Agra. Let me tell you this shit worked, eh! I took care of business and then some. I gave new meaning to the term “penal system”! She called me her Aztec Warrior. Ramen-Agra is great to eat right before a conjugal visit. Your lady will keep coming back for more. It will also keep her from running into Sancho’s arms while you’re locked up. If you’re freaky and want to make it extra pungent, add a little oyster sauce. Just make sure your lady isn’t allergic to seafood, if you know what I mean. Also make sure your cellmate doesn’t eat too much of it or you might have to sleep with one eye open.
Jacob Vargas is an actor who has appeared in several films, notably Traffic and Jarhead. He is perhaps most identified with his role as Joker in the film Next Friday. Vargas wrote this piece as Joker, taking his life a step beyond the movie. This is Joker telling the story of his time behind bars.
Ramen-Agra
Ingredients
1 pack shrimp flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
3 cans (about 3 ounces each) smoked oysters
1½ cans (about 4 ounces) mackerel
2 cans (3 ounces each) smoked baby clams
2 jalapeño chiles, chopped
Hot sauce
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl with seasoning from the packet.
2. Add the boiling water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Add the oysters, mackerel, baby clams, and jalapeños. Mix well.
4. Add hot sauce to taste.
An Eye for an Onion
Sometimes the inmate-on-inmate beatings you see in prison are for reasons that could make you laugh if they weren’t ultimately so tragic. I watched a guy get beaten so badly he lost his eye. He was caught red-handed stealing onions that a bunch of other inmates had smuggled in. He was beaten with a weapon known as the “lock in the sock.” This is a heavy iron padlock concealed inside a tube sock. The sock is knotted, and when it is swung quickly, making contact with soft parts of the body, it will cause severe damage, sometimes death.
One man loses an eye, another gets years added to his sentence. For vegetables! The guys who had been stolen from may have wanted to forget it, and say it’s just not worth it, but there was no option. It’s the convict code, the law of the land. Fight, and you spend longer in prison; walk away, and your life in prison is made even harder because you’re an easy mark. You’re stuck either way.
Ramen Chinga Soup
Ingredients
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
¾ cup boiling water
¾ cup crumbled cooked hamburger
¾ cup chopped cooked chicken breast
½ red onion, chopped
1 jalapeño chile, chopped
½ bag (2-ounce bag) pork skins or rinds
3 tablespoons strawberry jelly
3 tablespoons soy sauce
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Mix the hamburger, chicken, seasoning, onion, jalapeño, pork skins, jelly, and soy sauce in a large microwavable bowl.
4. Cover and microwa
ve for about 5 minutes. Stir, re-cover, and microwave for 5 minutes more, until hot.
5. Add the Ramen. Mix well.
Rotten Pig
Gustavo “Goose” Alvarez
I was in my mid-thirties when I joined a recovery program at the California Correctional Institution in Tehachapi. I was tired of hearing the same bullshit in my life. I knew I had issues with my temper, but I didn’t feel like there was anything I could do about it. Until my recovery counselor told me a story that I continue to share with anyone who seems to need it. This is how I remember hearing it.
There was a village in Africa that was suffering from a mysterious disease. It was killing the animals, the elders, the kids—just everyone. A group of scientists came to investigate. They found that the drinking water from the local river was contaminated with a deadly bacteria. They went to find the source of the water. It turns out it was coming from a mountain range where there was a huge pool of fresh water from melted mountain snow. The researchers tested that pool of water and found it worse than the actual river water! So they had a diving team go to the bottom of the pool to see what was causing this deadly bacteria. At the bottom of the pool they found a huge wild boar stuck at the opening where all the fresh water flowed into the river and down to the village. All the water was being filtered through this rotten pig, which caused the deadly bacteria to flow all the way down the river and infect everyone. Once the pig was pulled out, the fresh water coursed through and everyone was able to live healthy, normal lives.