Prison Ramen

by Clifton Collins

  I didn’t understand what this story had to do with my anger problems until my counselor asked me some questions. We ended up talking about one of my childhood friends. He was a crime partner I thought I could trust. When he had a chance to snitch and go free, that’s exactly what he did. He pointed a finger and gave up all the evidence to find me guilty and sentenced to ten years. We had been best friends, and I never thought this could happen. I buried this anger and betrayal deep down, but it was affecting me in ways I couldn’t even imagine. When there was a snitch on the prison yard, I would volunteer to “handle him,” as we’d say. My trust issues were ruining my relationships with everyone. Having a short fuse didn’t help.

  When I finally came to terms with all this and realized my old friend was the rotten pig affecting me and my “village,” I was told to do what seemed impossible: forgive him. You can imagine my anger when I heard this. After a couple of months, I finally stepped up to face it. Not many convicts agree with the idea of forgiveness, but I was tired and just needed some change in my life. So I forgave him. I even sent him a letter explaining how I had been feeling all these years and told him not to worry. Our feud was over and I did not hold him responsible anymore. He responded, and from his letter it was clear he’d been carrying the heavy weight of what he had done. His apology was sincere, and I accepted it. Things have turned out so much better.

  When you let stuff go, it’s like being able to take a deep breath for the first time. Check yourself. Who knows what rotten pig you may be dealing with and how it might affect others in your life. I have found that life is just too short for grudges.

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  Gen Pop

  “Gen pop” means “General Population.” It refers to prisoners who are on the main line—where you are not confined to a cell all day or limited to only certain ingredients. These recipes can feed more than two—something we call a spread. Being in gen pop—with its access to boiling water and occasional fresh ingredients—has its perks, including weekend potlucks, birthday spreads, and parole parties.

  The Wheels on the Bus

  The Gray Goose was the bus that took us on the five-hour journey from the county jail to the California State Prison in Corcoran. If you were on it, it meant you’d be spending some serious time at Corcoran. The ride began at dawn, and most of the inmates were too tired to talk or notice anything around them as the bus climbed the Grapevine—the interstate that runs from the border of Mexico up north along the length of California. I knew I wouldn’t be traveling south on this road for years to come. Regret jangled in my mind like the shackles on my wrists and ankles.

  My first day in, some homies from West Los Angeles invited me to share a meal. Outside that prison, I may have looked tough, but inside those walls—and inside me—I was a scared kid. The invitation felt like a lifeline. Those three guys shared stories, gave me advice, and made me feel less afraid.

  Sharing food helps weed out the good from the bad—even in prison. Guys who have seen people come and go for years know how to size you up—or as they put it, “run a make on you.” They judge who you are, what you represent, and if you can be a trustworthy member of the group. In most cases, they already know who you are before you step off the bus. If you’re no good, you wouldn’t warrant eye contact, much less a shared meal. I always carried my court transcripts. They provided not only legal confirmation of your case, but proof that you were “good,” as we’d put it. Not a pedophile, not a rapist, not a punk. I passed the test by the guys from West L.A. and was invited to share their meal of cheesy tacos. After the third taco, my new life in Corcoran began.

  Cheesy Meat Tacos

  Ingredients

  3 summer sausages (about 9 ounces each), chopped, or 3 cans (9 ounces each) Vienna sausage, drained and chopped

  1 bag (about 4 ounces) pork skins or rinds

  5 tablespoons strawberry jelly

  ¾ cup soy sauce

  1 tablespoon garlic powder

  Pinch of crushed red pepper

  ½ onion, chopped

  1 jalapeño chile, chopped

  2 cups shredded cheese

  4 to 6 corn tortillas

  1. Mix the sausages, pork skins, jelly, soy sauce, garlic powder, red pepper, onion, and jalapeño in a large microwavable bowl.

  2. Cover and microwave for 5 minutes.

  3. Mix well, adding the cheese, re-cover, and microwave for 5 minutes more.

  4. Microwave the tortillas for 30 seconds or heat on a stovetop griddle.

  5. Spread the cheesy meat on the tortillas, fold, and eat while hot.

  Looks Can Be Deceiving

  When I first met the old guy, I had the impression that he was in for something petty like a D.U.I. or drug use. But this “harmless” old guy had been down for about thirty-two years by then. He stood about five-foot-five, salt-and-pepper hair, and had a huge mustache. At that time he was in his early sixties and in better shape than some twenty-year-olds. He was highly respected and feared by everyone. He was a well-known hit man with a strong affiliation to the Mexican mafia. He always struck me as wise and humble. I was lucky to share a few conversations with him. Once, I asked him about the people he’d killed. After a brief silence where I feared I’d been out of line, he smiled sadly and said, “There were many, but none haunts me more than my first.” At that moment I felt it best to change the subject. It seemed to me after all these years, he was still dealing with what he had done for a “living.”

  Despite his past, I never saw him lose his temper or get into an altercation with anyone. In fact, he was always very giving and every Saturday afternoon he would make these very spicy burritos and share some of his stories about his past. I felt like I was eating at a Mexican restaurant while watching an old gangster movie.

  Hit Man Burritos

  Ingredients

  2 packs beef flavor Ramen

  2½ cups boiling water

  1 cup or pouch (about 6 ounces) whole kernel corn

  1 pouch (about 8 ounces) microwavable pinto beans and rice

  1½ cups seasoned beef crumbles or seasoned crumbled cooked ground beef

  6 tablespoons spicy nacho cheese sauce

  6 flour tortillas

  Note: Many brands make a 5- to 6-ounce pouch of beef crumbles; you’ll need two pouches.

  1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a bowl. Set aside one seasoning packet and save the other for another use.

  2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for about 8 minutes. Drain off excess water. Cover to keep warm.

  3. Prepare the corn and the beans and rice as directed on the packages.

  4. Microwave the beef crumbles in a large bowl for 3 to 5 minutes, until hot.

  5. Add the corn, beans and rice, seasoning, and Ramen. Mix well.

  6. Microwave the cheese sauce for about a minute, until hot and spreadable.

  7. Spread a large spoonful of the beef mixture on a tortilla.

  8. Drizzle 1 tablespoon of the cheese sauce over the beef mixture. Wrap and eat.

  9. Repeat until the tortillas, beef mixture, and cheese are gone.

  Charlie

  When I was in the California State Prison in Corcoran, I was getting a medical checkup, so they placed me in a holding cell by myself. The cell must have been right next to a landing pad, because on the day I was there, the sound of a helicopter was loud and clear. I had a little daydream, imagining the helicopter was for me, to fly my ass out of there. Sadly, I was snapped out of my dream by all kinds of commotion between officers and medical staff. I saw a huge correctional officer escorting a prisoner who must have come from the helicopter. As they got closer, the officers yelled out, “Face the wall!” as they walked the inmate past my cell. My curiosity got the best of me, and I caught a glimpse of the inmate they were escorting. I got quite a beat down for disobeying, but it was worth it to see Charles Manson eye to eye.
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  Manson’s story is notorious and became the subject of several films and documentaries. He led what became known as the Manson Family, a quasi commune in the California desert in the late 1960s. He is in prison for life on several counts of murder. He looked like one crazy guy, all right.

  Ramen Bean Dip

  Ingredients

  1 pack chili flavor Ramen

  1 cup boiling water

  1 can (15 to 16 ounces) refried beans

  1 can (14 to 16 ounces) hot chili beans

  1 jalapeño chile, chopped

  ½ cup shredded cheese

  1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.

  2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.

  3. Drain off excess water.

  4. Add the seasoning. Mix well.

  5. Mix the refried beans, chili beans, and jalapeño in a large microwavable bowl.

  6. Add the Ramen and cheese and stir.

  7. Cover and microwave for 5 minutes, until hot.

  Uncontrollable Temper

  One of the many things that a prisoner needs to check at the door is his temper. There was an old friend of mine we called Short Dog, who’d been down almost five years for possession of a gun. We met on the handball court—he was one of the best players on the yard. He must have been about five feet tall and had quite a Napoleon complex. Every time he’d play handball he attracted a lot of attention. He had unbelievable speed—and the way he’d dive for the ball was like nothing we’d seen before. Some homies would clown around with him and yell, “Andale, andale, arriba!” a reference to Speedy Gonzalez, the little Mexican mouse cartoon character. He would get mad and allow his temper to get the best of him, getting into scuffles with other homies.

  One day we were discussing our plans for when we got out. He was paroling in three months and talked about opening his own auto shop and starting a family. He was so excited to get this life started. The following day at the handball court, I noticed one of the yard officers watching the game. The officer had a reputation of being a real dick. By the time I arrived, he’d clearly been harassing Short Dog for a while. I could see it was getting to him, and he was feeling humiliated in front of all the guys. It got really heated and before we could intervene, Short Dog knocked the cop out cold. Three months to parole turned into ten years for assault on an officer. What a waste.

  Spicy Shrimp Spread

  Ingredients

  2 packs lime shrimp flavor Ramen

  1 can (6 to 7 ounces) baby shrimp, drained

  ¾ cup spicy dried shrimp (about ½ pound)

  ½ red onion, chopped

  1 jalapeño chile, chopped

  1½ cups boiling water

  Hot sauce

  1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a bowl. Add the seasoning.

  2. Add the baby shrimp, dried shrimp, onion, and jalapeño. Add the water.

  3. Add hot sauce to taste, stir well, cover, and let sit for about 8 minutes.

  Maybe Tomorrow, Maybe Not

  Just after dinner one night, I decided to make a cup of coffee to take outside for night yard. That’s the time you get to hang out with the homies, walking the yard with a nice cup of coffee, shooting the shit. I was rushing out to the yard so as not to miss my time there, and I spilled my coffee right in front of the control booth and gun tower. I obviously couldn’t just leave the mess, so I went to grab the cellblock mop that was next to the control booth. Just as I was about to fill the bucket with water at the sink, a Spanish guy asked me if he could go first just to rinse his cup off. I let him go ahead as I waved to the officer in the tower to open my cell again. I knew I wasn’t going to make it out to yard in time so I figured I’d clean my cell.

  As I was walking toward my cell, all of a sudden I heard the telltale sound. Pop. Pop. “GET DOWN!” yelled the officer, gun in hand. The officer in the tower shot directly toward the shower, which opened out onto the yard. Two African American inmates were fighting in there, butt naked. When the guys separated and lay down as directed, I could hear the cries from the Spanish guy: “Dios mio!” He had been shot by accident, just trying to rinse out his coffee cup. That bullet could have been mine. After that, I stopped believing tomorrow was guaranteed.

  Chicken Ramen Tostadas

  Ingredients

  1 pack chicken flavor Ramen

  1 cup boiling water

  ½ cup shredded cooked chicken breast

  1 can (15 to 16 ounces) refried beans

  ½ onion, chopped

  1 jalapeño chile, chopped

  1 tomato, chopped

  4 tostadas

  ½ cup shredded lettuce

  1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.

  2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.

  3. Drain off excess water.

  4. Mix the chicken, refried beans, seasoning, onion, jalapeño, and tomato in a microwavable bowl.

  5. Cover and microwave for about 5 minutes, until hot.

  6. Add the Ramen. Mix well.

  7. Spread the mixture on the tostadas and add a good handful of lettuce.

  Movie Night

  Movie night in prison was usually a big deal. We didn’t get to watch any new or R-rated movies, but they did bring in a big old projector and showed movies on a huge screen in the chow hall. It kind of made it feel like you were actually at the movies.

  One movie night involved some famous people—but not actors. A vicious hit was carried out by members of the L.A. gang, the Crips. There was a guy in the prison who was a member of the rival group—the notorious Bloods. You could tell this was a planned hit by the precise mechanics of the execution. The projector was set up, and the guys were in a pretty good mood. But just as the lights went out and the movie began, the soundtrack kicked in and got loud. That was the cue. Right next to me, there was a sudden movement and I saw the guy I knew to be a Crip put his hand over the Blood’s mouth as he simultaneously sliced his neck with one smooth, quick motion. Before the lights came on, the assassin was out of the chow hall, nowhere to be seen. That night, nothing that happened on the screen matched the drama around us.

  Jailhouse Popcorn

  Ingredients

  1 pack chili flavor Ramen

  Note: Chili flavor Ramen is best for this recipe. Other flavors just don’t do it.

  1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper.

  2. Open the wrapper on one end only and take out the seasoning packet.

  3. Sprinkle the seasoning into the crushed Ramen, close the bag, and shake until the seasoning is distributed.

  The Cellmate Challenge

  The two essentials to cell living are mutual respect and common courtesy. When two men are living in a cell the size of a small restroom, both of these things are a matter of life and death. There are rules, and sometimes new cellmates need to be informed. For example, two inmates can’t walk around the cell at the same time, so there is a “one up, one down” program. This means one inmate is up and doing whatever he needs to do—restroom, brush teeth, cook, birdbath, and even exercise—while the other waits on the bed, staying out of the way. Also, if your cellmate is asleep you should have the courtesy of not making too much noise. I’ve been in prisons where inmates kill their cellmates over stuff that wouldn’t matter outside.

  One of the best cellmates I had was a lifer homie named Rascal. We got along so well that lockdowns weren’t even that bad. He was a few years older and a real clown. He was so upbeat that you couldn’t tell he was facing twenty-five to life. I don’t think there was a day this homie didn’t make me laugh, and he always respected my space.

  Rascal’s Ramen Pastrami

  Ingredients

  2 packs chili flavor Ramen

  1½ cups boiling water

 
1 pouch (6 ounces) pastrami

  ½ onion, sliced into half-moons

  1 jalapeño chile, sliced into wheels

  2 tablespoons soy sauce (about 1 ounce)

  Mustard

  1 hoagie or hero roll, split open

  Hot pickle wheels

  1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packets.

  2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.

  3. Drain off excess water.

  4. Combine the pastrami, onion, jalapeño, and soy sauce in a large microwavable bowl.

  5. Cover and microwave for 5 minutes, or until hot.

  6. Add the Ramen and seasonings. Mix well.

  7. Spread mustard in the roll. Add the pastrami mixture and pickle wheels.

  Express Mail

  When an important and confidential message needs to travel from prison to prison, in most cases we’ll carry a note, wrapped in plastic, in a place where the sun never shines. In most cases, the note is written in detail and made as compact as possible. It could be as long as half a page, and is folded and rolled into the size of an enema. It’s wrapped several times with plastic from the sack lunch. If you are the person transferring the note, you prepare your “suitcase,” if you will, by making sure it is completely empty. You lather the plastic-wrapped message with hair grease and just before you hear the officers walking toward your cell with the handcuffs and shackles for your waist and legs, you insert the note into your suitcase. You’ll be glad you didn’t eat anything the night before.