Kaiju for Dummies

by Nicholas Knight

  I’ve got a choice to make. I can’t destroy all of these buildings in time with my HP so low, not if I avoid killing the military forces. It’s literally us or them.

  Something tears inside of me. My rage meter flashes. The world sucks and isn’t fair and I fucking hate this. But every time when it comes down to this question, I’ve got to pick us.

  I renew my attack. No more dancing around. No more dodging. I’m just a freight train racing around the military base flattening everything in my way. Tanks explode. I grab one and hurl it into a cluster of saucers. They explode and their wreckage collapses on top of more buildings, setting them on fire.

  They keep attacking me but it’s futile. I am a bulldozer and they are ants. There is nothing they can do but be crushed beneath me and I hate it and love it and hate that I love it. If I could use my Burning Aurora without frying this egg I’d be able to clear this whole damn level in no time flat.

  Shit. I’m thinking of it as a videogame again. I don’t have time to consider that. I have to destroy. I lash out with my tail, flattening several more buildings. Toss another tank away. Everything is on fire. More energy is blasted at me.

  The military facility is sufficiently destroyed, the AI tells me.

  Good. Because I’m down to maybe ten or fifteen percent of my HP. And the other players mocked me for making Taisaur a special defense tank. Ha!

  I race toward the abyss and it’s suddenly every single gun in the place aimed and firing at me, not just a select few. I draw closer. HP dropping. Closer. A saucer kamikazis into my face, exploding and knocking me flat on my back, spikes churning up the ground.

  The death warning music plays in my head, over and over again. But as I roll over I’m on the edge.

  The egg isn’t. It’s rolled out of my grasp. I leap for it, grabbing it away just before a blast of energy scorches the stone where it was. I hurl it down into the Hungry Abyss.

  Nobody’s shooting at me anymore.

  Mission complete, Mr. Moretti, the AI says. Good job.

  The rumbling that suddenly shakes the earth does not feel like a good job. Every tank and armed personnel rushes to the edge of the Hungry Abyss and begins firing down into it. The saucers hover overhead, gathering like a storm cloud. They begin dropping little white payloads that I recognize as their bombs straight into the hole. There’s light down below as they go off. I glance down after them and can’t see the bottom.

  Another huge flash nearly blinds me and creates different kind of shake. The saucers just dropped their equivalent of massive heavy ordinance down the hole.

  What the hell is down there that’s got them all so intent on killing it? They’re not even paying attention to me anymore and they’ve always done their best to blow me up, even when I wasn’t actively trying to destroy anything.

  Then I see something. It’s not the ground. The texture is all wrong. And earth doesn’t move like that. The details are hard to make out amidst all the energy blasts and explosions but after a few moments I can tell exactly what it is I’m looking at.

  Scales.

  Sometimes I hate being right. There is a monster down there. A kaiju of proportions I can’t even begin to contemplate. I can’t actually tell what body part I’m looking at as it slowly rises up, shrugging off the alien’s combined assault like it’s nothing.

  The ground around the Hungry Abyss begins to crack and fissure. I nearly lose my balance and topple over into the hole with all the explosions and the giant monster.

  Logout, I growl. Logout now.

  Something lets out a roar that shakes the saucers in the sky and rattles the hover tanks before the AI obeys me.

  I come to a second later in the Paris casino. “Fuck. Me.”

  “Not really the time or place I’m thinking.” I roll over and find Isabella crouching next to me. I’ve been laid out on her cot. She looks…better. No, not just better. She looks positively vibrant.

  “Hey bonita,” I say, smiling up at her. “I did it.”

  “I bet you say that to all the girls.” But she’s grinning and she leans down to kiss me on the forehead.

  My phone chimes. There’s another notification from Kaiju Wars Online. Great. This had better be the fucking cure or so help me I’ll—I don’t actually know what I’ll do. That stings. It stings deep, burns even. Because it’s a reminder of just how powerless I am. It makes me think back to Dr. Warden’s little rant and wonder whether or not I’m still just a pawn.

  “AI,” I say aloud. “Which feels really weird with Isabella kneeling right next to me. “What the hell was that?”

  That was your quest update, it says. Congratulations on completing part two. Part three is now available to you.

  I sit bolt upright. “What the fuck do you mean part three?”

  A frequency that can administer the cure has been downloaded to your phone, the AI says cheerfully. You have one hour to broadcast it before it is gone forever. Good luck.

  If this stupid voice had a throat I would throttle it. I glance down at my phone. This time, there’s a little red circle in the corner of the Kaiju Wars Online app, only there not just a little white one like before. No. Now there’s a freaking timer and it’s counting down.

  “You have got to be shitting me,” I snarl and push myself to my feet.

  “Aaron, what is it?” Isabella asks just before Max comes sprinting up to us.

  He’s panting and so out of breath that his words are all but unintelligible. I’m able to make two of them out though at about the same time the earth shakes under our feet. “…Plague Doctor…”

  I throw my head back and scream at the heavens. “I cannot catch a fucking break!”

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  ⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎

  Plague Doctor is back in Vegas and I have less than an hour to somehow broadcast an unknown signal from the app on my phone that will supposedly cure everyone he’d made sick. It would not prevent them from being killed now if he, or I guess she since she laid eggs, knocked over the casino or spun so many caustic webs that everyone gets stuck and dies. If she kills me before I can broadcast the signal the cure will be lost and the sickness will spread beyond Las Vegas and infect who knows how many people around the world. And it has to be me that broadcasts it because there isn’t actually an app on my phone, there is a chip in my hand that makes me see an app on my phone.

  “Okay, we’ve got to think fast,” I say, looking between Max and Isabella. I give them the condensed version of the quest’s requirements. “So, any idea how the hell we’re supposed to get the cure signal out?”

  “The Pearl Theater,” Isabella says without hesitation, making both Max and me look at her.

  “I dated a crewman who helped televise the fights.” She shrugs. “There’s a room set up with equipment and everything.”

  “When did you guys date?” I ask.

  She gives me the kind of look that question deserves. “Really?”

  I hold up my hands. “Just asking.”

  Isabella rolls her eyes. “Anyway, the real trick is making sure there’s something to receive it.”

  I glance at my phone, which I’m clutching with all the desperation of a mother holding her dying child. It’s my last hope. I’ve come to the conclusion that hope is a toxic, traitorous bitch who likes to let you think that everything is going fine and going to get better only to betray you and throw you to the sharks. And yet I still keep chasing after her. I don’t think I have any choice but to hope right now. I know better, but if I don’t then I’ll just curl up in the corner and wait for everyone to die. Poisonous fuel is still fuel and we’re in dire need.

  I hold the phone up and ask, “Does there need to be any special equipment to receive the signal or do we just need to get it out?”

  Isabella gives me a funny look but Max sets his jaws. He knows what I’m about.

  No, Mr. Moretti, the AI
supplies. There is no special equipment required. The bodies of the infected are the receivers of the signal. No mechanical assistance beyond the broadcast is required.

  “Thank you,” I say.

  You are welcome. I am happy to be of service. And damn if she doesn’t sound like she means it. Wait, when did the AI become “she” in my head? Oh, screw it. Not important right now.

  Isabella looks back and forth between Max and me. “What the hell was that?”

  “He’s talking to the game’s AI,” Max supplies. “He say anything useful?”

  “He?” I ask.

  “It,” he says. “Whatever.”

  “No, I mean yes it did. But mine sounds like a woman.”

  His ears burn red. Huh? “Go figure.”

  “Anyway,” I say. “We don’t need any special equipment to get the signal. We’ve just got to get it out there.”

  The ground shakes. Dammit. We’re running out of time. “We need to move. It’s half an hour on foot to the Pearl and that’s without the city falling down around us. Isabella, can you give me a quick breakdown how to use the equipment.”

  “Fuck no,” she says. “And even if I could, I wouldn’t. You think I’m letting you leave me behind?”

  “Okay, Max, talk some sense into her.”

  “Screw you, Moretti,” he says.

  I give him a surprised look. “I thought you were all for saving your own ass.”

  He holds up a finger. “When I thought we couldn’t save anyone, yeah, I’m willing to make hard choices. This is one of those hard choices, but it’s not just me throwing away my sanity for a bunch of people who are going to be dead soon anyway. You’ve been right about everything so far. I’m coming with you.”

  The ground shakes again. I don’t have time to argue. “Come on, both of you.”

  We take off, ignoring the screaming protests of the doctors as we pass them and sprint out the door. The sky is full of red needles and caustic crimson webbing. I don’t even know where Plague Doctor is but clearly she’s already hard at work transforming Vegas into a fresh new nest.

  “Isabella,” I say, eyeing the airborne needles.

  “Don’t you even say it, Aaron, or I’ll make you swallow your teeth.” She grins. “Death by giant monster while saving the world. I can go like that.”

  I shake my head and we’re off again. We round the casino quickly enough and get to West Flamingo street. From there it’s a straight shot to the Pearl Theater. Unfortunately, it also affords us a clear line of sight to Plague Doctor.

  The bloated, ugly bitch is several miles down the road, standing on the other side of the Las Vegas Freeway. There’s a whole damn city for her to level and she picks the one damn spot where we’ve got no choice but to pass through and covered it in her acidic webs and needles.

  “Isabella, you go through that, you’re not coming out,” I say. We don’t know what my blood transfusion did to her. It might have been an immunization or just a temporary patch. For all we know it’s got nothing to do with her current well-being and she’s going to fall over dead in five minutes.

  “Hell, mate,” Max says. “None of us may be coming out of that thing.”

  I take several deep breaths, mind racing for a solution. “Okay. Okay I think I’ve got this.” Dammit this is going to be complicated and really, really suck. “I’m going to summon Taisaur. My HP’s going to be low because I’ll be summoning him so soon after my last fight.”

  Actually, Mr. Moretti, the AI chimes in my head. You leveled up. Congratulations. Taisaur’s HP and Burst Mode have both reset.

  Okay, that gives me a surge of hope. “Thanks, AI.”

  You’re welcome. Damn does that voice sound pleased with itself. Would you like to allocate your points now?

  Dammit, I should have set something up to automate that. “Dump everything into HP.”

  “What?” Isabella says, giving me a sideways look.

  Understood, Mr. Moretti. Taisaur’s HP is now fifty-two. Would you like to review your kaiju’s stats now?

  “No, I would not like to review my kaiju’s fucking stats!” I snap, then offer a sheepish look to the incredulous Isabella. “Sorry. Computer in my head. Anyway—I’ll summon Taisaur and try to get Plague Doctor out of there.”

  Because that’s such a good idea. Taisaur might have leveled up but even with that extra mass he’s still tiny compared to Plague Doctor. I can’t imagine lasting more than a minute or two going one on one against that abomination. And that’s being generous.

  “You guys carry me to the Pearl and force me to logout when the equipment’s ready,” I say. “Then we’ll send out the signal.” And hope to God that Plague Doctor doesn’t turn around and crush us flat.

  “I cannot begin to cover the numerous issues with that plan,” Max says. “But let’s start with the most obvious. That thing kills you as Taisaur, we can’t use the cure because—best scenario here—you’re comatose. And your girlfriend’s buff as fuck but that’s a mile and a half of rubble strewn road you’re asking us to carry your unconscious ass down. Oh, and there’ll be falling debris, poisonous needles, and that fun dissolves-your-flesh-webbing being tossed about while we can’t dodge.”

  He shakes his head. “And let’s not forget how disorienting it is to actually come out of the game. We’ll have seconds to get that signal out, all while you’re still coming too.”

  “Okay, Mr. Positivity,” I say, resisting the urge to deck him. Barely. “Do you have a better idea?”

  He yanks up a finger and points it at my face. “Yeah. Fuck you, Moretti. Fuck you so very, very much.”

  He turns and runs away, leaving me blinking after him.

  “What the hell just happened?” I ask.

  Isabella shakes her head. “Reality caught up to him. Once a coward always a coward I guess.” She takes a deep breath and looks down the path before us. “Let’s try to get us close as possible before you go all monstro on us. The less I have to carry you the better.”

  Once more we take off at a jog. There’s rubble everywhere, preventing us from moving in a straight line. We have to duck around a vehicle to avoid a cloud of needles as they float lower to the ground, impaling everything they come into contact with. With a sigh of relief, we get moving again.

  Only to come up short. Plague Doctor hasn’t moved. In fact, the bitch has her proboscis pointed directly at us. It’s like being in the middle of a hurricane and having the storm sprout a face and glare directly at you. You know that you’re in the presence of impossibly awesome power. That all that power is about to be directed at you with the sole purpose of ensuring your ultimate destruction. All while knowing that there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop it.

  There’s not a force on this earth that could stop a sentient hurricane any more than one could stop Plague Doctor. But I got to try.

  “Monstro.” Isabella elbows me. “Go monstro now.”

  I pull up my phone and select the Kaiju Wars app.

  The air above us glows with light and there’s a rush of displaced air that hits us so hard we’re knocked off our feet.

  When I push myself up, we’re no longer alone on West Flamingo and Plague Doctor’s no longer the only kaiju in town.

  Guess we know what Max’s better plan was now.

  Solrin stands over us, golden and glorious. He lets out a roar that shatters the remaining unbroken windows nearby and crouches down, ready to bring the fight to Plague Doctor.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  ⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎

  It’s been a while since I’ve seen Solrin and never from this angle. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to having a worm’s eye view of a kaiju. There’s nothing quite like that moment of recognition of your own impotence and the sheer awe of the creature standing before you.

  Fun fact, the original Godzilla movie was produced because the Japanese wanted a film about the
horror of the nuclear bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The American government, who was basically telling everyone in Japan what they could or could not do at the time, did not want that kind of movie made for obvious PR reasons. What resulted instead was a science fiction movie with a giant monster acting as a metaphor for the nuclear bombs. Watching the original Japanese version is actually fairly distressing when you go into it with that in mind.

  From there sprung the kaiju genre. Monsters as metaphors for foreign governments, natural disasters, and forces beyond human control. Looking up at Solrin and Plague Doctor, it’s not hard to make the connection. These two behemoths are powerful beyond anything a human should be able to control. They are two storms set on a collision course.

  Unfortunately, Solrin is clearly the smaller storm.

  He’s a leonine kaiju, quadrupedal and maned with thick golden scales like a pangolin’s, a head that would look more appropriate at a museum next to the tyrannosaurus exhibit, and a single, multi-pronged antler sprouting up from his forehead. He’s absolutely majestic and just as absolutely no match for Plague Doctor, who towers more than four, maybe more than five times his height.

  Solrin snarls and Max’s voice is clearly audible through the bone shaking rumble. Aaron. I’m going to clear you a path. Get to the Pearl.

  The snarl turns into a roar and Solrin’s mane comes to life. The rage meter hovering over him in my eye flashes in time with his rippling mane and a rush of streaming golden energy pours from him. I know the attack is called Solar Wind and I’m not sure exactly how the physics of it work, but everything in the attacks path that’s combustible combusts.

  Including the needles and webbing in our path, exploding like red and gold fireworks that light up the street and sky. Plague Doctor lets out a shrieking hiss and chitters like an angry rodent. If that rodent was big enough to cover several city blocks.

  The Solar Wind washes over the insectile kaiju to no apparent effect and she starts forward in that bobbing glide of hers. With another roar, Solrin charges forward to meet her.