Worth It All

by Claudia Connor

  This was a jumping-off point. He knew for most people it wouldn’t be, that one night in bed wouldn’t land them here, but this was Paige, and there was Casey and…His jaw tightened with the painful thought that maybe this shouldn’t happen. Maybe she did have too much going on and maybe there was no possible way he could be everything they needed.

  What made him think he could be a father now when he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, before? He watched Paige drive away with Rachel’s words echoing in his head.

  You don’t deserve a family.

  Chapter 18

  Later that night, Paige sat at her kitchen table with her thick textbook on the Roman Empire open in front of her. She’d put Casey to bed over an hour ago and so far she’d made eight flash cards and read the same page three times. But she’d made some really nice ink spirals while she daydreamed about Jake.

  It was hard to concentrate on Caesar when her body was still throbbing in places that had never been touched. The words blurred and all she saw was Jake over her, spearing her with heated brown eyes. Or under her as she lay on top of him, kissing her way across his broad chest and shoulders. She could probably write a ten-pound textbook on the varied and extensive beauty of Jake McKinney. And he knew what to do with each and every part.

  The trailer door opened and she looked up and watched Jenny come in. “Hey.” She’d left Jenny a message, but she hadn’t seen her to give her an update. Jenny dropped her purse and went to the fridge.

  “You’re home early. Have fun?”

  “Yeah.” Jenny poured herself a glass of milk and joined her at the table, grabbing a cookie from the paper plate in front of her. “Yum.”

  “Casey and I made slice and bake.” She studied her cousin. “You didn’t have too much fun if you’re home at ten, having a glass of milk.”

  Jenny shrugged and bit into the sugar cookie. “I think we should talk about you. You slept over last night.” She waggled her eyebrows.

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, come on, girl, spill. Was it good? Tell me everything.”

  Everything would be way too much to tell. She’d come undone under his very capable hands and mouth. It was impossible not to. One night in his arms and she felt like something huge had changed inside her.

  Jenny leaned her face in close. “My God. Are you about to cry? If you are I’d say it was way better than good.”

  “It was…incredible. He was incredible.”

  Jenny squealed and sat back.

  “But it definitely wasn’t the responsible thing to do.”

  “I bet it was worth it,” Jenny said, picking out another cookie.

  “Yeah, but there’s a battle going on inside me, complete with swords and Roman headgear, shouting about shame and stupidity, while my heart and my body are more like Julie Andrews spinning on top of a mountain.”

  “I’d go with Julie Andrews. I mean, look at their faces.” Jenny tapped on the open textbook. “Those people do not look happy. No singing songs and eating jam and bread going on there.”

  No, but fun and happiness didn’t always lead to a better future. She knew that. So why was this so hard? Why was her heart putting up such a fight? “I’ve got Casey and—”

  “And everything you do is for Casey.”

  “Yes, it is.” Because that’s what she’d promised her daughter before she’d even been born. That every choice she made would be putting her first. “Last night I was thinking of myself.”

  “Is that so bad? Does taking care of Casey exclude doing anything for yourself? Would it hurt to have both?”

  “Maybe. I mean I wanted him, so much that I stopped thinking about anything else.” Her eyes fell closed. “I was getting lucky with my daughter sleeping right down the hall.”

  Jenny broke off a piece of cookie. “Is that what it was? Getting lucky?”

  “No.” It was way more than that, which scared her even more.

  “So, what comes next?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t even know what should come next. I don’t even know what I want to come next.”

  “I call liar on that one.” Jenny stood and took her glass to the sink.

  True. She’d like about ten more nights in a row exactly like last night. “With the way I ran out of there this morning, I’ll be lucky if anything happens at all.”

  “Mmm. Let me guess, you woke up and your intense sense of duty and work and striving for perfection kicked in, and you ran out of there with your tail on fire.”

  “Pretty much.” She’d considered coming home in the middle of the night, but waking Casey, driving home at midnight, hadn’t seemed like a good mom move either. So she’d stayed, slept with her body pressed tight to Jake’s. Maybe what scared her the most was how much she wanted to feel him there again. How much she wanted to be with him in any capacity.

  “Are you afraid it won’t work out?”

  “Work out?” She turned to stare at Jenny still at the sink. “What does that even mean? We date? I become a single mom with a boyfriend? And then what? It fizzles out and six months or a year from now I have another and then another, and Casey grows up with men coming and going?” It made her stomach hurt to think about it.

  “Why are you so sure it won’t work out for you?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe I’m not sure there’s even such a thing as working out.”

  “That’s sad.”

  “Do you think there is? How would we know, Jenny? I’ve certainly never seen it.”

  “I have. All the time.” Jenny grinned. “Don’t you watch TV?”

  Paige shook her head. “Maybe you have to have it to believe in it.”

  “Or…maybe you have to believe in it to have it.”

  That seemed like a mighty big risk. Her mom had always been willing to risk it, the leap-before-you-look type, and it hadn’t turned out well for her at all. In fact, most times it had turned out very badly.

  But her mind went back to Jake and his velvety eyes and heart-stopping smile. Then it went to Casey and work and school and the job she wanted and the house. She groaned. “Look at me. I can’t even concentrate.”

  She picked up the much larger stack of blank notecards beside the few she’d done. “I waited six years to get out of Dugger, to go to college and change Casey’s and my future, and now instead of studying for my first test—a key to that future—I can’t stop thinking about a man!” She dropped her head to the table, thunking her forehead.

  Exactly why she didn’t have time to be distracted by a man. Though it felt like a whole lot more than a distraction. Like after just one night in Jake’s arms she’d been shown what was missing. She lifted her head and took a cookie.

  “I can’t let myself want this. It’s a mistake, Jenny. How could it not be? Wanting something so badly I’m afraid I can’t say no.” She took a bite and had to make an effort to swallow it. “I’m running on empty as it is.”

  Jenny moved closer and wrapped an arm around her. “Are you sure that’s it? Or maybe you’re scared you’re falling in love with him.”

  Yes, she thought, and felt the sheer terror of it. Overwhelmed, she let herself lean against her cousin. “I’m not going to get anywhere like this.”

  “I guess it depends where you’re trying to go,” Jenny said softly, then gave her shoulders another squeeze. “Okay. Stop thinking about him and start studying. I’m going to bed.”

  She returned Jenny’s hug, determined to double up her efforts to ace her first college test. It was one thing to screw up your own life, making decisions that could screw up a child’s, her child’s…that was much, much bigger. Her chest felt tight and her stomach got that familiar falling feeling she hated. The one that said if she wasn’t careful, she was going to mess everything up.

  And now on top of that, there was the very real fear of losing her heart.

  Chapter 19

  JT entered the Down Diner just after four in the afternoon. The bell dinged over his head and his eyes searched the room for Paige. C
asey sat at the counter, one arm stretched out on the white surface and her head resting on it. He walked over and stopped beside her. “Hey there, Little Bit. Why so down?”

  She groaned, or it was more like a growl. “I have to eat all this broccoli and it’s four more pieces and I already ate two.” She sighed and closed her eyes as if the broccoli situation had taken everything out of her. Or maybe she just didn’t want to look at it.

  Jenny greeted him with a smile. “Paige is in the back. Unless of course you’re just here for the food,” she added, raising a brow at him.

  No. He definitely wasn’t here for the food.

  Casey lifted her head and pushed the offensive pieces of green to the edges of her plate. “And I met Mrs. Miller today and she used to have a pet but now she doesn’t and she has way too many apples on her door.”

  “Hmm.” He knew Paige had been counting on the teacher meeting helping the situation.

  Jenny grabbed two plates from the window. “Your mom said three more pieces, Case,” she said as she passed.

  He wasn’t particularly hungry, not with his stomach in knots over seeing Paige, but he could help a girl out. He picked up a piece of broccoli and stuck it into his mouth. Casey grinned up at him with such gratefulness he took two more.

  He’d just grabbed the third when Jenny stopped directly in front of him.

  “You did not just eat her broccoli.”

  “Guilty.” He winked at Casey and stood. “Be right back.” Mac turned and gave him a look that held a touch of protective warning. JT nodded to him as if to say I see your warning and it’s not stopping me.

  Tense with anticipation, he made his way into the back. He needed a few minutes alone with her. He’d spent the past thirty-six hours replaying it all over and over. Paige’s body under his, her soft legs, the curve of her thighs, her cries when she came.

  She didn’t see him as she stood on her tiptoes, reaching for something high on a metal rack. He took in the slender arms he’d kissed and stretched above her head, the legs he’d spent far too little time gliding his mouth over. A smile spread across his face and his chest felt like it was stretching, maybe to accommodate his heart.

  He stepped in behind her, heard her draw in a startled breath as he easily retrieved the item for her, and placed it on a lower shelf. She turned in the cage of his arms.

  His heart expanded with that first meeting of the eyes since she’d left his house two days ago. “Hi.”

  “Hi,” she answered softly.

  Only a few inches separated them, yet they seemed miles apart. In the dark, they’d been completely in sync, turning to each other in the night, languid and slow, no words needed. Going up and over together, then slipping back to sleep. “How are you?”

  “Good.”

  “Are you sure? Because you were already tired and I’m afraid I added to that.” He cupped her cheek, brushed his thumb under her eyes, falling even deeper when she leaned into his hand.

  “I’m sure. I’m fine. Except…” She stared at his shirt before meeting his eyes again. “I’m sorry I left the way I did. You didn’t deserve that and…I don’t regret it, I’m just…overwhelmed.” Her teeth pressed hard into her bottom lip and she avoided his eyes.

  “Paige.” He curled his fingers around the back of her neck. “I don’t want to make your life harder.”

  “You’re not. It’s not you. It’s me.” She laid her hands on his chest and blew out a long breath. “You make me feel all shaken up inside.”

  He slid his arms around her back. “In a good way?”

  She stared up at him, her head tilted back. “Is there a good way to be shaken up?”

  He could almost see her practical mind spinning, trying to right itself. “Definitely.” Remembering the panic in her eyes when she’d left his house, he tightened his hold. “I don’t want you to be overwhelmed.”

  He took another second, then figured this was as good a time as any. Fingers crossed it wouldn’t sound like he was asking for more than she was ready to give. “Don’t say no to what I’m about to ask you. I talked to my brother, and my sister-in-law, the one who runs Freedom Farm, and it’s all worked out. She wants you and Casey to come.”

  Paige stared up at him. Blinked. “She wants us to?”

  “Yes. It’s all arranged.”

  Her eyes slid away from his. “You know I’d love to go, but I can’t afford it.”

  “Let me take care of that.”

  “What? No, I—”

  “Please. Casey and I are friends. And so are we, remember? Let me do this. Hannah said you’re welcome whenever you want, but she had some cancellations for the weekend so she’ll have more time.”

  “When? This weekend?”

  “Next weekend.”

  Her lips were still parted in shock. “Jake, I can’t just go out of town. That would be…I have…stuff I should do.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like…I need to do laundry and study, and I was going to take Casey to get a library card and…”

  He smiled, watching her try to think of more reasons she shouldn’t go. This woman did not do spontaneous.

  “You already said you’re off next weekend. Come on.” He leaned down so his eyes were more level with hers. “You’ll love it there. It’s just for two nights, and Hannah will take care of everything. You’ll stay right there on the farm, she has people to pick you up at the airport. She’s got this down to a science.” The more he’d thought about it, the more excited he’d gotten, picturing Casey riding horses and Paige relaxing.

  “Wait. You’re not going?”

  “No.” It was a gut reaction. His instinct to avoid his past. And then there were the legitimate reasons. “I’ve got this project at work, Lynn’s about to give birth, and…I’m not trying to crowd you. This is for you and Casey.”

  She opened her mouth and he laid a finger over her lips before she could protest. “No. Don’t say no. Go. Have fun. Do it for Casey,” he added.

  “That’s low.”

  “Maybe, but if I said do it for yourself, would you go? Just think about it.”

  “Okay. Thank you.”

  That was half a battle won, but there was a more important one that had to do with them. “Paige, being with you was…” He caressed the back of her neck and waited, almost afraid to say what he thought it was until he heard something from her. He wouldn’t push her, but he also wouldn’t let her run from whatever was building between them because she was scared.

  She bit her lip, her blue-green eyes drawing him down and in. “It was unbelievable and I don’t regret it. I’m just confused and…” With a small, embarrassed laugh, her gaze slid away from his again. “I’m sorry. I’m probably making too much of this, people do this—that—all the time, but…I don’t have casual sex.”

  She didn’t have sex at all except with him, and the possessive male in him stood a little taller.

  “Paige.” He framed her face in his hands and waited until he had her full attention. “Nothing about that was casual.” Then he lowered his head and kissed her. Slow and deliberate, soothing and promising. It was meant to reassure, but quickly turned into a hot reminder of their night together. Her soft curves pressed against him, her hands slid into his hair, and he made love to her mouth like he wanted to make love to her body.

  When he lifted his head, the shadows he’d seen in her eyes earlier were gone. In fact she looked a little dazed. Good.

  “Hey, guys.” Jenny stuck her head in. “I’m doing my best out here, but I can’t hold Casey off much longer.”

  He held up a finger signaling one minute, but kept his eyes on Paige. “Better?”

  “Yes.”

  “Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.” He kissed the top of her head. “And we’re still going to Simon’s sister’s wedding. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at five.”

  She smiled. “Okay.”

  “And Paige, people don’t do that all the time.”

  —

&nb
sp; Torches burned brightly around the outdoor patio, the wedding reception in full swing. There was a band set up at one end and a buffet at the other. White and green flower arrangements adorned tables where people sat laughing over hors d’oeuvres.

  Jenny had forced her to borrow a short black dress, then did her makeup and hair while Casey looked on excitedly. When she caught herself in the mirror, she saw something she’d never seen before. Not a pregnant teen or an exhausted waitress with too much on her mind. She was a woman anticipating a date with a man who made her heart beat faster, and she’d smiled at herself.

  Jake was every woman’s fantasy on any day, but in black pants, a crisp white dress shirt unbuttoned at his neck, he was utterly devastating.

  He handed her another drink, something pink and delicious that had her feeling bold and tingly. She kissed his cheek, easier in the heels her cousin had also provided. “Thank you. This is the best wedding I’ve ever been to,” she said, pressing into him, grinning even wider when his arm tightened around her.

  He smiled. “This is the only wedding you’ve ever been to.”

  She pushed the little umbrella out of the way and took a sip. “True. Do you think that’s weird?”

  “Probably not as weird as how many weddings I have been to.”

  The band started up again, and the groom twirled his new bride onto the dance floor and other people joined them. Simon’s sister was spun from her groom, to her father, to the groom’s father and back again. She caught Simon across the room, holding court with five adoring women all over sixty.

  Jake leaned down to whisper against her ear. “Dance with me.”

  It wasn’t a question and goosebumps broke out over her arms at the low command in his voice. In the space of a few heartbeats her drink was gone and Jake had swept her into his arms. His hand was hot through the thin fabric covering her lower back and she shivered again, then sighed, burrowing into his warmth. He brought their joined hands to his chest, right over his heart. Her other hand slid up his chest to curl around his neck.

  He lowered his head until their cheeks were touching. “You’re so beautiful.”