Bittersweet Wreckage

by Erin Richards

  “On the count of three,” he shouted. “One, two, three.”

  I uncurled my fist and the ashes blew high in a gray puff. It joined the four other puffs, and they rained onto the surface of the water, a temporary stain on Lake Tahoe. For the first time, we were united, even if only in ashes. Jesse circled the boat around, touched two fingers to his lips and gave Dad a two-fingered salute. Dry-eyed, Mom tossed a white rose into the water, her lips moving in silent words.

  “Adios, amigo.” Kristen dipped her hand in the water to rinse the ashes off. She chased it with a louder, “I may have loved you at times.” My heart pinged in wistfulness for those times.

  Misty-eyed, Jade remained silent. She held the urn high, tilting it on its side as Jesse increased the speed. The wind whipped the gray dust in different directions until Dad’s mortal remains emptied out of the urn, his ashes as separate in death as he was in life. How would this final act join his mortal family remains, outside our Dysfunctional Families ’R’ Us hellhole?

  “Alice, may I keep the urn?” Jade coughed to hide her rough voice.

  Mom peered at each of us in turn, expecting me or Kristen to object and want to house the ugly-ass urn in our bedrooms. Satisfied she’d receive no objection, she gripped Jade’s hand. “Of course. I’m sorry I haven’t offered before, but if there’s an item or two of Leo’s you might want as mementos, let me know. I’ve saved things I thought you might like.”

  I smiled at Mom, acknowledging her generous offer. She was indeed growing up.

  “Bye, Dad,” I whispered. Thanks for the memories, the good, the bad, and the ugly. You’ll never be forgotten, for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Most of all, thanks for Jesse, the best of the good.

  The last laugh landed on Leo Lynwood.

  Chapter 28

  The ritual of scattering the ashes rained a somber pall upon our weird family. Dinner was a quiet affair, all of us still lost in the zombie lands of our heads. Drinking coffee and eating cheesecake, we sat at the outdoor table waiting for the mystical maids to clear the table.

  “Where’s Jade?” Mom rose to get the ball rolling. “It’s getting dark. She’s normally back from her walk by now.”

  Jesse frowned at his watch, then slipped his phone out of his pocket and called her. “She’s not answering.”

  “She’s probably ranting at the squirrels and birds,” Kristen said.

  “Yeah.” I scratched my healing arm, having forgotten to slather on my lotion. “You’re ugly, too fat, have daddy hang-ups. Here, let me make a voodoo doll of you so I can fix you,” I mimicked.

  “Or their crowns are too pink and expensive,” Jesse threw in. His gorgeous smile had me melting into a pool of chocolate syrup and him into a pool of ice cream I wanted to lick up. “You know she doesn’t mean it.” He sobered. “It’s her way of deflecting.”

  “There’s deflecting, then there’s Jade’s deflecting.” Kristen licked cheesecake off her fork, making a show of it. Porn style. “She’s driving us cuckoo with the constant lip talk. She been this way since you guys moved in?”

  “For the most part. She’s attained a whole new level here,” I replied. “At least she didn’t bring her voodoo shrine.” I’d already told Kristen how Jade had transformed her bedroom into a Goth-Voodoo tomb.

  “I’m worried.” Mom gathered our dishes. “She’s not usually gone this long. Keep calling her, Jesse.”

  By nine, Jade still hadn’t returned. Jesse, Kristen, and I took the car out and drove the two-lane roads searching for her.

  As Jesse drove the twisty streets of the more populated lower mountain, I dialed her a hundred times from Jesse’s cell and my calls kept rolling to voicemail. “I’m gonna kill the twit.” I was about to call Mom for an update when she called me.

  “Harrah’s security called,” she said. “They have Jade. Apparently, she snuck into the casino three times, and now they want me to pick her up or they’ll press charges.”

  Anger crackled like flickers of lightning inside me as Jesse parked in the driveway ten minutes later. Jade had ruined our night of remembrance. The night should’ve culminated Dad’s various lives and marked the beginning of a new life for our twisted family. Silent, we trudged inside the house. The day had zapped all our energy and emotions seethed in all of us. Soon my mother and Jade arrived, silent and cold.

  Jesse advanced on her, his shadow cloaking her small frame. “Don’t ever scare me like that again.”

  “You’re not Dad, so butt out.” She tossed her jacket on the dining room table. “Go screw your Princess Vine. She’s all you care about.” She made smooching kissing sounds and twined her arms around herself to mimic a couple in embrace. “Ohhh, Vine, you’re so perfect, so pretty in pink-ass ribbons. Ohhh, Jesse, my rock idol, let’s make lame elevator music together.” Jade revved up the engine on the snarkathon.

  My mouth hung open. Mom turned the corner to her bedroom upstairs, a bottle of water in hand, heading toward her escape. Hopefully she hadn’t heard Jade.

  “What the what?” Kristen’s bug-eyes swept from me to Jesse. “You two? You said—”

  I clapped my hand over her mouth, my eyes daring Jade to spew more trash talk.

  “You didn’t know your little sister and her brother are hooking up?” Jade practically purred. “Getting their jollies on while they grieve. Using each other.”

  Jade voiced my biggest insecurity. What if Jesse and I were using each other? What if we were merely balm to each other’s grief?

  Jesse grasped her arm. “Ivy and I have a connection. We care about each other. Get over it and shut your trap.”

  She yanked her arm out of Jesse’s grip. “I said I wouldn’t yak a word to Alice. All bets are off with Kristen. Time she knew what an incestuous slut her sister is.”

  Fighting my internal battles, I still hit the wood-beamed roof and lunged at her. “What crawled up your ass and built a nest?”

  Jesse and Kristen stepped between us, Kristen yanking my wrists behind my butt like a cop, Jesse holding Jade back from digging her black nails into my eyes.

  Mom called from the upstairs landing, “Are you two at it again? If you only saw the potential I see—”

  I kicked backward at Kristen, missing her shins by a mile. “Let me go.” She released me and I seized my keys off the counter. “I won’t put up with Jade for one more day here.”

  “You’re not going anywhere. Put the keys down. Now.” Mom’s voice drooped toward the land of the dead.

  I slammed the keys on the floor, chipping a corner of a hardwood plank. “Then I’ll hitchhike home. I’m not staying.” Tears welled. I wanted to pound something. Headline: Teen Girl Beats the Black Off Her Half-Sister for Driving Her Batshit Crazy.

  Mom braced herself on the upstairs railing, battling her sleepy-time drugs, half-heartedly waving her hands to dismiss us. “You kids are killing me. I tried to do right. Tried to bring harmony to you, hoping you’d see the light.” She threw up her hands in capitulation. “We’ll all leave after the fourth.” She shuffled to her bedroom and slammed the door, the walls vibrating. Kristen sprinted upstairs to talk to her.

  Despite how Jade constantly pissed me off, I wanted to run to my mother and tell her she’d done right by bringing the Jeromes into our lives. It had nothing to do with my feelings for Jesse either, or how he occupied my head from the moment I awoke in the morning to the moment I fell asleep at night, and into the land of my dreams. Jade needed her. We all did. She wasn’t merely that pill-popping pseudo-mother any longer. She had truly stepped into the role meant for her. Single mother of four. The Jerome kids had awakened her more than Dad’s death did.

  Jesse took my hand in one hand and Jade’s in his other and squeezed. “You are the two most important people in my life. I hate that you don’t even phone it in. It’s fucking sad when you share the same blood.”

  “Give her up,” Jade wailed. “Please, Jesse. If you love me. We share the same blood. Do it for me?” She pounded on her chest, her g
orilla war cry.

  Jesse released our hands and walked outside. For an hour, I waited for him to come to me and he didn’t. Jade went to bed, and I lay on the couch, the TV on with the volume muted.

  Our days were numbered. Did Jesse plan to give me up to maintain the peace? Was it time to stomp the brakes on our budding relationship? Jade knew her brother too well and there was no sliding any fake breakup past her. Ten million factors weighed against us, and my heart fractured with every breath I took. Maybe Jade would open up and we’d become the family Mom expected. Our family may never come together as a whole if Jesse and I stayed together. What lured us to each other now promised to split us apart. I grabbed a blanket and pillow and sacked out on the window seat. A nightmare sleep claimed me, a heartbreaking decision anchoring me into my own personal hell.

  Our snowball continued to roll downhill to hell the next day, until I was fit to burst with the need to do something other than veg and bake under the sun, listen to Jade’s crap, and fight my internal battles.

  “Let’s take the boat out,” I suggested to Jesse, sandwiched between him and Kristen on lounge chairs at the end of the dock. My invite included Kristen, and I bet she’d bow out due to her motion sickness. Made me wonder why we owned a Tahoe cabin, until I questioned if Dad had bought the vacation home for his Jerome winter trips. “Jesse, did your mom like to go out on the water?”

  He cracked an eye open. “Can’t live in Santa Cruz without liking water. She even surfed a little.” He toweled the sweat off the back of his neck. “I’m game for a ride. Fishing? I bought worms at the Fishing Shack yesterday. Kristen, you in?”

  I gave a sharp shake of my head for his benefit and received a sly smile in response.

  “Hell no,” she said. “I’m still jacked from the last ride. And I don’t want to talk worms, let alone see the slimy bastards.” Her nose crinkled beneath the bridge of her sunglasses.

  Grinning ear to ear, I gathered my towel and beach bag. “I’ll pack a cooler.”

  Mom sat on the cabin’s wraparound deck talking on the phone. She saw me approach and hung up, a red tide sweeping her honeyed face. Planning her next murder with the mysterious N?

  “We’re taking the boat out.”

  “Okay. Jesse’s driving, right?” she asked. I nodded. “Good. He knows the boat well. Wear your life jackets.” Had she forgotten all about Jesse and me liking each other outside the boundaries of siblings? My excitement refused to be caged.

  “Promise.” Grinning wide, I averted my face, throwing out a mental high five. “Jesse wants to fish.”

  “Smoked trout for dinner sounds awesome.” She smiled and picked up her latest romance novel, resting the paperback on her lap, romance to fill a widow’s soul. Maybe if she’d read them when Dad had lived, there might’ve been a spark between them instead of ice cubes. “You and your father always liked fishing together.” A new wistfulness entered her voice. We had hardly talked about our family memories since being in Tahoe.

  “I caught the most fish too.” Dad always baited my hook and took the fish off. I enjoyed catching them, but not much else to do with the slimy bastards, to steal Kristen’s line. Fishing with Dad was one of our best bonding moments. Now I was the son he never had heading out on the lake with the son he did have. Oy.

  “Are you okay here?” I asked Mom.

  “Life goes on. I have to be strong for you kids. I can’t pretend to understand your father and his actions, but it’s time we moved beyond our time with him. You kids are innocent victims.” She took off her glasses and shielded her eyes from the sun. “I’m getting better. Plus, having Kristen here is a godsend. You both ground me.”

  Thunderstruck, I didn’t know what to say. Instead I hugged her hard until we giggled, reminiscent of the old days of liberation when Dad traveled, and it was Mom and Ivy against the oppressive regime. I hadn’t ever seen my mother so well-grounded and happy. Therapy and death had accomplished a masterful transformation on her. Or was it her new parenting role?

  Binge-thinking about everything under the sun, I fixed my makeup and brushed my hair. I stuffed a cooler with water and snacks, sneaking a couple beers for Jesse. He’d brought his fishing tackle, beating me to the boathouse. Kristen left the dock to play cards with Mom, and I joined him in the boathouse, sheltered from Big Brother and minions.

  “Smart girls rock. You’re amazing.” He touched his lips to my ear, taking the cooler from me. “Our ticket to alone time.” He nipped my neck, his lips tickling. A moan escaped me, spurring him on. “I’ve missed you.” His lips roamed my neck, pressing trails of kisses, his hand settling on the small of my back under my cover-up, warming my skin. I missed his touch and I trembled. “Show me how much you missed me.”

  I wound my arms around his neck and crushed my breasts against his bare chest. I kissed him hard, our tongues twining around each other. He pulled me in tighter, where air didn’t exist between us. I fit my soft curves into every hard plane of his body until we were a perfect mold. Familiar and newfound sensations—his amazing scent, the slight taste of wintergreen on his lips, the warm and soft feel of his skin, the heat of his entire hard body—flooded me in a warm glow.

  Flip-flops slapping down the dock shattered our mini-reunion. Jesse sprang away, hopped into the boat, and pretended to check the engine. Bitch alert.

  “I’m going.” Jade entered the boathouse and tossed her hoodie and a towel onto a padded seat in the rear of the boat. Helm, aft, whatever it was called. I couldn’t recall, especially with my head submerged in my fiery desire and the sudden sharp twist of disappointment. Jade gave me a smirk to end all smirks. All her black makeup certainly hadn’t dimmed her wits. Son of a Goth bitch.

  “You sure you can stand being in a confined place so long with me?” I retorted, my disappointment a stone anchoring me.

  “What do you think?” She adjusted the shoulder of her T-shirt, showing a strap of black bathing suit beneath, worn for the first time. I bet it still had tags on it. What disaster would befall the Wicked Witch of the West if water or sun touched her corpse-pale skin?

  “Maybe not so confined drifting in the middle of the lake.”

  “Now, girls,” Jesse reprimanded, a smile curling up his lips, sounding like a father. Not my Jerkface Leo—maybe their Loving Leo. “Play nice and I won’t toss either of you overboard.”

  Jesse tried to force Jade to wear a life vest in his protective big brother role. She tossed it onto the dock. Muttering under his breath, he expertly backed the boat out of the slip and headed toward the open water.

  The engine slowed as we entered deeper water. “Do you ski or tube?” he asked me.

  “Both. Slalom?”

  “What else is there?”

  “Don’t vines float?” Jade dropped her first snark of the minute.

  “Like rocks sink,” I scoffed, shutting her down.

  Jesse’s hand cut the air. “Can you two ever be nice to each other? You’re sisters.”

  “Half-sisters,” we said in tandem. She could piss off a statue if given the chance.

  “Half, full, does it matter?”

  “Isn’t it enough you get along with her?” Jade asked. “I’m not planning to bag and bang her or to cut another notch in my bedpost.” She paused, index finger tapping her black lips. “You do know, Vine, that Jesse’s got a half dozen other girlfriends who hang with the band? You’re just a rebound fling.”

  “Shut up, Jay.” Jesse slammed the boat into neutral and we floated to a near dead stop. “This why you came with us? To spew more bullshit?”

  “Of course. Every chance I get.” She blew a puff of smoke toward me. The wind whisked it away. “I’m gonna plant a big-ass wedge between you two. You’re like black versus white. There’s no gray to link you. Ivy will never be anything more to you than some princess brat Dad spawned and had an obligation to support.”

  I snagged the empty fish bucket and extended it to Jade. “Need a pail for the diarrhea spewing out your mouth?”
/>
  “Enough!” Jesse advanced on Jade, shaking his fists. “Dial it down, Jade. This isn’t you. This is Ax talking.”

  “No. It’s death talking,” she screamed, rising to butt her chest against Jesse.

  “Mom would be so disappointed in your attitude. She’d never let you treat Ivy so poorly if the situation were reversed, hell, in any sitch.”

  “Don’t talk about Mom in front of her.” She poked his shoulder. “Ever. She never would’ve let this happen if Dad had married her first. He’d never have gone outside his marriage for another woman. We’d have it all instead of his leftovers.”

  “If you think that, you’re delusional,” I finally dropped a dangerous bite into the conversation. “Dad stayed with my mom for a reason. He loved her and made vows to her and our family. It’s pretty obvious your mother wasn’t enough for him, wasn’t enough for him to leave my mother. No more than my mother was enough. He wanted more than any man was entitled to possess and now he’s paying for his douchery with his mortality.”

  Jade lunged past Jesse’s right side and head-butted my middle. “I’ll kill you for saying that about my mom. You don’t know shit about her or my parents together.”

  I slammed against the seat. Jade’s bowling ball head knocked the air out of my lungs, her stubby fingers putting my neck in a chokehold. Wind snapped hair in my face, obscuring my vision.

  “Then tell me about your mother.” I shoved forward, trying to drive her off me. “Enlighten me, because I really want to understand why he did this to all of us.” Growling and snarling, her fingers tightened. My windpipe ached and screamed bloody murder. I grasped for her neck, and as my fingers made contact, she released me. Like a bull snuffling and pawing the ground, I drove her forward until her butt hit the edge of the boat. Her fingers dug into my shoulders, and I hung precariously over the side. For a half second, we teetered on the edge.

  The engine growled and the boat lurched forward in a burst of speed. It knocked us off balance, and we tumbled overboard, my head conking the side of the boat. The last thing I remembered before a blinding, freezing darkness claimed me was Jesse yelling and Jade kicking my left wrist.